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Seeking Another Perspective...


Anonymous122

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I've got a little bit of a conundrum brewing in my mind, and this website helped me realize the problems with my line of thinking in a previous relationship, so I wanted to express my thoughts here and collect as much advice as I can in order to help me make the right decision.

 

I met a woman about 3 months ago.

 

At first we were friends.

 

Now we're in a relationship.

 

We moved way too fast.

 

She asked me to move in with her. I agreed in a moment of overwhelming emotion.

 

The move in date is next week.

 

Here's the thing:

 

I'm fairly sure that I love her. It's not a fuzzy, childish kind of love. It's a general concern for her and a great deal of interest in her, combined with a healthy amount of passion. She is a fantastic woman.

 

She has two children from an eight year marriage that ended two years ago after an affair that her husband had been involved in came to light. The children are both young, under 5. The children are well behaved, and i've really taken a liking to them. I don't have any children of my own.

 

The problem is that i'm extremely scared and I feel like I want to simply run away as fast as I can and never look back. It's not a financial problem, or an education problem, or a conflict problem. I just don't feel like I can do it.

 

She has her priorities straight, and she takes amazing care of her children. I certainly have alot of respect for her. I think that her children are vastly more important than our relationship, but i'm worried about something. My work schedule is changing next month, which places me on two 12-hour weekend shifts. The only time that her children aren't present is two weekends out of the month. I want to be involved in her children's lives, but i'm feeling like it just might be a little bit too much for me to take on.

 

I literally work 60 hours per week, every week. Her kids stay up late, and she's made it clear that there can be no shift in their routine. This puts me into a bad position because one part of their routine involves laying in her bedroom watching TV with her into the wee hours of the night. I've tried hinting at the idea of the three of them doing that in the living room, and I even offered to buy a brand new HD TV in order to encourage it, but I was met with what felt like a defensive rhetoric. I have to get up at 6:00am, because my commute is nearly an hour each way and I need time to shower, eat breakfast, and gather my work materials. Making it even more difficult is the fact that she's talking about taking her children out of daycare when we move in together, effectively taking up my two days off since i'll have to babysit while she works on those days. These issues throw my whole system into a tailspin because i'm still taking a couple of college courses to finish off my degree and i'll have no time to do them. I can't do them when I get home from work because her children are going to be in the bedroom watching TV with her, which is where my computer will inevitably be, and I can't do them on my days off because i'll be babysitting as a result of their removal from daycare.

 

Another thing that has made me uncomfortable was a minor issue that I feel like i'm blowing out of proportion on the grounds of principle. I took everyone to dunkin donuts, and I parked the car for a moment to spread cream cheese onto a bagel that I purchased. She got snappy with me and told me that I need to keep driving because she wanted to get the kids out of the car. I asked her if she could wait just a minute so that I could finish what I was doing, and she suggested that she should drive if i'm not going to.

 

She's invited me to two different parties consisting of her friends and relatives. I've gone to both of them, but both of them have been horrible experiences. Each time that i've gone, something minor has happened with one of her children that results in her leaving with her sister, saying that she'll be back in ten minutes, and coming back an hour or two later. The first time that this happened, I expressed my discontent and asked that she simply take me with her rather than her sister. The second time was a direct breach of what we had discussed and agreed upon regarding the first time it arose. I don't appreciate being left in akward social situations with people who I cannot relate to on any level for extended periods of time, when I could very well be the person going with her in her sister's stead.

 

There are a number of compromises that i've already made on behalf of her children without even having moved in yet, but i'm feeling like it's not a symbiotic relationship. Her children should come first, but does that mean that they will never have to make a single concession on behalf of what would inevitably become a psuedo-family unit when we move in together next week? Concessions as simple as giving me sixty seconds to spread cream cheese onto a bagel so that I can enjoy it while I drive before it gets cold and unedible? Or concessions such as not leaving me alone in a place that i've expressed that i'm not comfortable, when I wasn't keen on going in the first place, and there was certainly enough room (if her sister stayed at the party) for me to go with her.

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Are these valid concerns? Should I give it a chance and see what happens, or should I run away as fast as I can? Am I getting a fair return out of this, considering all of the financial, time, and emotional contributions that i'm going to have to make?

 

Be as harsh as you need to be, I want a reality check.

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Eek. That's a lot happening in only three months.

Are you sure that it is not too soon? Just because you love her and you are both adults, does not mean you absolutely have to move in together so soon. Are you sure you're ready for it already?

 

I don't think you are blowing it out of proportion. You are making a major lifestyle change for her, and she doesn't seem to be helping the transition very much. I don't think it's unreasonable to watch television in the living room instead of the bedroom, for example, and also, what's she keeping under-five year olds up so late for?

 

I understand and agree with "kids first," but that does not mean that you should be stomped over. Compromise is key.

 

Personally, I think you need to take more time to consider how you are feeling. Three months is very, very soon. Do you want to bring these feelings into the household with you?

 

What would happen if you suggested putting off the move for a few months? Would that be an option?

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I'm honestly not sure what would happen. I know that she would be disappointed since we're moving into a new apartment together and not into her current one. It's much larger than her current place, and a much needed change of scenery for her.

 

I know that it's too fast, but I already agreed. I'm really torn.

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I'm honestly not sure what would happen. I know that she would be disappointed since we're moving into a new apartment together and not into her current one. It's much larger than her current place, and a much needed change of scenery for her.

 

I know that it's too fast, but I already agreed. I'm really torn.

i think you are moving in with her because of her needs, and not your own. at least based on what you have said here.

 

i understand wanting to not upset her, but you have a responsibility to yourself first. i don't believe that moving in with her right now will make you happy, nor do i think it's the right thing to do regardless of how disappointed she might be.

 

what are your friends/family's opinions on this?

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My friends nor my family are pleased. On the flip side, her friends and her family are absolutely ecstatic. I really love her, I just don't know if I can handle the sudden change and responsibility without some major give and take.

i agree with the give and take, unfortunately, she's taking but not giving.

this doesn't mean that it could never work. but i think three months is WAY too soon to even be considering this, nonetheless have a full-on plan set.

 

really give it some thought before you jump in.

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With this level of doubt - DON'T DO IT!!!

 

Yes, she'll be disappointed - but there are loads of issues which need to be sorted for you before you make a leap like this. Actually it does sound as though you're being taken advantage of. The kind of things which are worrying you at the moment aren't going to go away; it's more likely that they'll intensify once you're both under the same roof and you haven't got your own space.

 

The way things are for you at the moment, this is very unlikely to work out long term. It would be a lot more hassle to sort out the situation once you've moved in, and cause a lot more hassle and disturbance to you, her and the kids if you needed to move out again.

 

It doesn't mean you have to run away altogether, but if not moving in causes the end of the relationship, so be it. If I were you I'd be scared witless!

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Speaking from the perspective of a single mother, boy is she taking advantage of you!!

 

Here's my take on relationships and children. The child should never come first. This is why there are so many divorces. This is why there are so many divorces later on in life when two people realize that over time, the only thing they had in common was their children because they did not work on their relationship.

 

She is not giving anything and expecting you to give up everything. She is putting her children's needs first and expecting you to do the same.

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You're making a huge mistake, even if she didn't have kids.

Moving in with someone and changing your life for someone in 3 months is a recipe for disaster.

 

Why the rush? Enjoy someone first. Enjoy the dating. You're rushing right into the commitment part so fast.

 

And I agree with the above poster, she is taking total advantage of you.

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Wow...I felt like I was rushing it moving in with my bf after TWO YEARS!! And here you are after 3 months. Yikes! Actually, the time factor doesnt make a huge difference to me. 3 months or 3 years, if you're ready for it, do it.

 

Here is what is making me feel weird. She HAS to compromise with you for this whole thing to work. I moved in with my bf 4 months ago. We found out the hard way that if we dont compromise and stand by each other, we fall apart. He has a 9 year old daughter. She stays with us quite a bit and when she does, it still makes me feel uneasy. Only in that I am intimidated. I have no idea how to deal with a 9 year old girl. I've think I've done great so far in that we play games and watch movies and the three of us have spent some time just lying in bed and goofing off. BUT, a part of me still feels scared. I will insert here that I am also 6 months pregnant and I dont feel well ALOT, so I lie down alot when we're all home. We are fortunate enough to have a tv, dvd and vcr in our bedroom, in his daughter's room and in the living room. The last time she stayed the night my bf and her played video games in her room, watched movies and fell asleep in her bed. That's fine with me! I had our king size bed and tv all to myself...lol. My point here is that she HAS GOT to respect you and your routine. This whole thing is different for the 3 of us too. He tries to do little things for his daughter when she stays that are their old routine, to make her feel comfortable, but we've all had to adjust to this new thing.

 

You, she and her kids all need to sit down and talk. Include the kids. They need to hear that you need certain things to make this work. Like the bedroom to yourself after a certain time. She can go lie in bed with the kids in their room and watch tv.

 

Also, I want to throw something else out there for you to think about. A problem that I have is that on the weekends, his daughter stays, then his brother comes over all day Sunday for football, during the week, we have normal things going on like his daughter coming over, band practice, etc, so our "personal time" together at times seems nonexistant. I broke down once and my bf and I talked it out. (Keep in mind too that pregnancy hormones are making me absolutely crazy! lol) So, we are trying to work that out too. I have a fear that your "personal time" together will suffer and you will feel like the outsider. I never thought I'd feel like that, but I did and at times I still do. That's an awful feeling, like you dont belong in your own home.

 

My advice, talk to her immediately about all of this. You have to come up with a plan of action that works for you both.

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Simply put- You aren't ready.

 

Who wants an instant family after 3 months ???? Yikes.

 

Put the brakes on this now !!!!

 

Your concerns are Extremely valid. What I want to know is why is she expecting this large a committment after so short a time ?

I hate to make assumptions, but that sounds an awful lot like wanting a father figure for her kids. I say this because she is expecting an awful lot from a three month relationship- and I don't see what you're getting out of this ?

 

Beyond everything else, it does not sound like you are right for each other.

Please correct me if I'm totally off base here but-

Why isn't she making any concession for you and just expecting you to conform to what she wants in everything ?

Sorry to tell you, but it sounds a bit like she's treating you like a child as well.

 

Do NOT move in with her. If you want to stay with her, put the brakes on and only date casually. My opinion is that you should just break up. Right now it seems like you two have very different priorities.

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I ended up calling the whole thing off. I really regret calling it off, but this situation just wasn't for me. We tried to make it work without living together, but after only a few days it became vastly apparent that too much damage had been done. I miss her, but I guess this is what had to happen.

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