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My husband "needs time"


helpsurvive
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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My husband said he needs some time off and went to stay in a hotel(I hope so) this weekend.

 

We had a rocky marriage too. But we used to talk(verbal shouting) and then calm down.. but this time, he was sulky for a week, not talking at all and very rarely speaking to me. No physical contact whatsoever. So when his birthday came (yesterday), I asked whats the problem, we can go out somewhere. That's when he put it out in open. I was devastated, did not expect it all. I know I have pushed him away many times and not made him feel appreciated. Only when you know that you might loose something you love more than your life, you seem to see all these.. I am ready to make whatever action possible to save this marriage.

 

I asked him if hes ok to see some marriage counselor and he said , yeah sure, I will support you, if that's what you want I am very scared if this counselor will give me negative inputs or ask us to go separate ways. I know there is this bond we have that kept us together in both good and bad times. I want to revive that and make it grow more and more with professional help.

 

Its tearing me inside to think what if I wont be in his life and some other woman might be with his babies.. I don't even feel like living anymore I haven't managed to eat anything yet... couldn't sleep last night. Hope God hears me and helps us..

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Thanks redhearts.

 

I hope to do exactly that. Show to him that I am strong, not a needy, begging person, but at the same time dont want to give up on this marriage and try to make it work.

 

Hope the counselor helps us to communicate our feelings without hurting each other.

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yes that's what he said.

 

The conversation went like this:

 

"You got to do what you got to do and I will mine[it was more like if you want to save this marriage, do whatever you think it takes. I will move on with what I have decided].

 

Then about marriage counseling, "I will support you, if that's what you want."

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Unless there is physical abuse or child endangerment, a good counselor or psychiatrist would never suggest off the bat that you should be separated. Their job is to counsel, not create a wedge. Part of the reason to go is to have a neutral moderator where you can get together and you and your husband can express feelings, thoughts, etc without being jumped on by the other and effort can be taken that you are both "hearing" eachother.

 

The other thing you can address or look at is your communication pattern. It is hard when two people do love eachother but push away in reaction to the other person's words or feeling that the other is pushing them away, when in fact, it takes two to tango.

 

Sometimes i find time apart could also mean not days apart but making an effort to not be glued to eachother and have your own interests so that when you come together it is more special. But for some people it is not about too much togetherness, but not spending enough time with eachother, so that time spent together there is pent up hostility getting out.

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If he will do it, counselling I mean, then set up an appointment now, or yesterday! Listen-you wrote that you are hollering at each other, but no physical violence. If there is love there still, and either partner has not completely shut down, then a good counsellor can teach you two to resolve differences with respect and underlying love. And no yelling. No name calling. It might not be too late. If your husband is willing-do it now.

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How long have you been together?

 

It seems like he's pushing you away for some reason. To fight to make this work you have to let him know he can't push you away, that you're not going anywhere. Give him a couple days space, then find him and talk to him. Communication is a big thing, let him know he can tell you whatever is bugging him. Once you find that out you can both go from there.

 

10 years together and married for 4. We started seeing each other out of college - 21.

 

We had long talks usually during fights. And we blame each other for our family and then conclude that we will not do this anymore I guess I should have stopped that long back..

 

I at times feel may be he's resentful at me, that I was the reason he missed all his partying times. Also, our marriage was not accepted by his parents. He loves his parents so much and I think its hurting him to feel that they wont come to our house. I have told him many times that I will do anything to make them accept me, but as I said in the other thread, I am from lower caste and they are from higher caste, so it will not be that easy for them to accept me.

 

Unless there is physical abuse or child endangerment, a good counselor or psychiatrist would never suggest off the bat that you should be separated. Their job is to counsel, not create a wedge. Part of the reason to go is to have a neutral moderator where you can get together and you and your husband can express feelings, thoughts, etc without being jumped on by the other and effort can be taken that you are both "hearing" eachother.

 

thank you, that is comforting to hear

 

The other thing you can address or look at is your communication pattern. It is hard when two people do love eachother but push away in reaction to the other person's words or feeling that the other is pushing them away, when in fact, it takes two to tango.

 

I understand. Last 2 days, I did a lot of self-search and found that I have many things to correct. I know giving assurances will not help, I need to put it in action. And I ready to do whatever it takes. I just need him to give "us" a chance and so that we can both give our 100%

 

Sometimes i find time apart could also mean not days apart but making an effort to not be glued to eachother and have your own interests so that when you come together it is more special. But for some people it is not about too much togetherness, but not spending enough time with eachother, so that time spent together there is pent up hostility getting out.

 

I wish I had joined this forum long back. I remember he saying that whatever he does or thinks, I am there always.. I took it as a compliment and did not think that I was suffocating him. I totally understand that now. Both partners in a relationship should have their space and that's what I should have given him.

 

If he will do it, counselling I mean, then set up an appointment now, or yesterday! Listen-you wrote that you are hollering at each other, but no physical violence. If there is love there still, and either partner has not completely shut down, then a good counsellor can teach you two to resolve differences with respect and underlying love. And no yelling. No name calling. It might not be too late. If your husband is willing-do it now.

 

thanks so much. Yes, he said he will come for marriage counseling. I hope I use this opportunity to my best and show him that I am strong and will change.

 

Its very hard to get appointments. I have got one for wednesday.

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Hi, you said you have taken an appointment for this Wednesday.

 

All the best!

 

I have a point of view here. If you like it you may give it a try.

 

See, nothing works better than

- realizing & accepting your fault

- a promise to not to repeat those; and

- a request for a time period (1 month, 6 months..whatever), to show your partner the tangible results on your progress

 

No matter what he has decided, he is still giving you a chance.

 

Don’t think on if the relationship will work or not. Just give your honest-self and do your best now. Rest is destiny. Nobody can fight with it.

 

Anytime in the day, when you can spend at least 2-3 hours together;

- hold his hands firmly, look straight into his eyes; and with firm & honest voice – accept your faults in front of him.

- SAY SORRY & mean it.

- Tell him how you will cover-up things within WHAT TIME-FRAME

- And then finally, after telling your decision & plans; ask him – is there anything/anyway which he wants from you

- DO HAVE A LISTENING & ACCEPTING EAR towards whatever he says or expects. You might disagree with whatever he says, but find some other day & time to express your disagreement.

- No matter if he trusts/accepts your this discussion or not, start behaving & doing things that you promised ‘from that very moment itself’. There could be some-things where your ego might get hurt. For this remember one thing, any human being should never loose his/her self-esteem, but always let go the ego. If your self-esteem is in question, don’t comprise – let the relationship break-off; but if its your ego which is getting hurt, then bend yourself.

- Lastly, while going to bed – tell him that the whole day you made conscious efforts to keep your promise; but still there could be things which you are not able to see and still doing. Ask him to tell those, if any. If he dosent reply or makes fun of it….let it be….. you, just keep doing this for the time-period that you have promised.

 

Trust me, at end of it, you will feel good about it. Relationship may/may not work, but you will be guilty-free at end of it.

 

Please do this before you go to a marriage counselor. You can do it today/tomorrow itself.

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"needing space" generally means he's seeing someone else. at least that's what happened when my last woman said she "needed space."

 

Justignoreme,

 

you are scaring me I really want to ignore your post.. it makes me cry. That is the one thing I am so sure of, he will never betray me, as long as he is with me. Now you make me feel I am wrong

 

Hi, you said you have taken an appointment for this Wednesday.

 

Please do this before you go to a marriage counselor. You can do it today/tomorrow itself.

 

thanks so much cosmos.. He said he is taking this weekend off, so after he comes, I am going to start doing this, I know he might just ignore.. but I will give my 100% effort to show him that I am changing..

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After a whole messed up, stressful week, I was smiling for the first time. Thank you guys..

hey, just chill....

 

keep smiling and everthing will be okay... and do some pranaayaam in morning for 1/2 hour daily. It will give you mental peace and lot of energy.

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