Sexless relationship =(

[RyanD333]

To make a long story short, me and my girlfriend have been together for about 8 months now. We didn't sleep together for 4-5 of those months because she wasn't comfortable and was going through a divorce. BEFORE we ever had sex, she would talk to me about how she loved it, how it was a big part of a relationship, etc etc etc etc.

 

Now here we are, and we haven't had sex in a month.

 

And the worst part is, she's turned me down the last 5-6 times I've tried to make it happen. She's always too tired, doesnt feel well, in pain (she has hip pain, even though she doesn't know why) there is always a reason.

 

It makes me feel unattractive and like I'm 16 years old again trying to be intimate with my first girlfriend. It DOES NOT feel like a mutual relationship. I've never had issues with sex before, as my prior girlfriends enjoyed it as much as I do.

 

It's gotten to the point I don't even want to do it anymore, it's like this big elephant in the corner, and it feels contrived and akward at this point. I try to not make it a big issue, I try to just accept it, but ultimately I wind up sexually frustrated and wondering why it isn't happening. I don't think for a second she is cheating, we see each other almost all the time every day.

 

So what should I do? Are we just not sexually compatible? Is this a dead end?

[DN]

Have you talked to her about this, told her how you feel and that she is in danger of losing you as a result?

 

And do you know the reason for the divorce?

[RyanD333]

We've talked about it plenty of times, moreso the fact she is completely passionless, and pretty much never touches me. She says it's just the way she is, and she will never be a "touchy-feely" type of girl. She tries to get better, but it doesn't last long. As far as the sex, she just brings up the reasons I mentioned, (too tired, pain, etc). She pretty much never confronts the issue head on. The more we talk, the worse it gets. It begins to feel so contrived and forced when do actually have sex, that I don't even enjoy it. My latest strategy was just to avoid sex, avoid coming on to her, and maybe she would lighten up and push the issue, but it didn't happen. I couldn't bear that anymore and tried to go for it this morning before work, and as usual, turned down.

 

Her marriage only lasted a couple of months. They waited until marriage to have sex, and apparently he couldn't perform at all in the bed, and that led to serious issues with his self-confidence and changed the whole dynamic of the marriage. It's just her side of the story, but she says he became abusive, mean, and distant. She also blames his military service for "making him snap." I don't know the guy, never met him.

[DN]

well it may have been that the same thing happened and he was the one who took off.

 

If she doesn't make a permanent change are you prepared to end the relationship?

[RyanD333]

I honestly don't know. I love her a lot, and apart from the sex thing, we get along great. She's smart, well-rounded, and we have a ton in common.

 

But I'm young, in my sexual prime, and wake up frustrated almost every single day. I hate to end things just based on sex, but honestly I can't say I'm completely happy right now.

[COtuner]

Maybe she has valid reasons. My BF jokes about how often I can't do that, but I'm in perimenopause and my hormones are totally out of control. Stress also affects libido - my BF and I went 2 years without sex because neither of us were interested or able.

 

In the present though, he knows about my conditions, he's aware of the medical reasons, and he knows I am not blowing him off on the days we don't click. (plus there's other things I can do).

 

Maybe she is legitimately having issues and you're just feeling somewhat selfish? (not accusing, I don't know either of you, just presenting a different viewpoint)

[DN]

I honestly don't know. I love her a lot, and apart from the sex thing, we get along great. She's smart, well-rounded, and we have a ton in common.

 

But I'm young, in my sexual prime, and wake up frustrated almost every single day. I hate to end things just based on sex, but honestly I can't say I'm completely happy right now.

Sex is an important and integral part of a relationship and if it is missing then you are basically friends and room-mates.

 

It is is as important as an emotional connection and if that were missing many people would also choose to leave. There may be a reason for it that is fixable but it is also possible she is happy as she is and doesn't want to change.

 

If she basically refuses to do anything about it, and refuses to seek some sort of help to find out why she is like this, then you have to decide if you can accept the lack of sex or if you want to move on to find someone with whom you can have a more normal relationship.

[COtuner]

From what you are saying, it sounds like counseling might help. Let her talk through whatever is physically holding her back.

[RyanD333]

The thing is, she NEVER does anything else, no oral, nothing. If i get her to touch my arm it's a good night. I don't ask for it everyday, nor every week. I try to be understanding, but if I never tried, I fear we'd just never have sex.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

'says it's just the way she is, and she will never be a "touchy-feely" type of girl. '

 

There's your problem. This is the way she is. And i seriously doubt her story as to why the marriage ended... most likely someone who is so uninterested in sex is not going to break up with a guy who isn't interested in sex either. I suspect she was the one with the problem, and he was angry, resentful, and frustrated and the marriage broke up when he realized his wife was not interested in sex.

 

The point is romantic relationships are about being someone's sex partner, and NOT having sex with other people, so if one partner doesn't want sex, the couple is sexless by default. So she is depriving you of a sex life by her refusals, and that is not fair to you if she expects you to be faithful to her.

 

If you don't have sex, then you're just friends and it isn't a good relationship. If both people are happy with that, fine, but really, you can have plenty of friends but only one girlfriend, so you need to sadly acknowledge she just isn't interested and move on to find someone who does want to have sex with you.

[COtuner]

Sex is an important and integral part of a relationship and if it is missing then you are basically friends and room-mates.

 

It is is as important as an emotional connection and if that were missing many people would also choose to leave. There may be a reason for it that is fixable but it is also possible she is happy as she is and doesn't want to change.

 

If she basically refuses to do anything about it, and refuses to seek some sort of help to find out why she is like this, then you have to decide if you can accept the lack of sex or if you want to move on to find someone with whom you can have a more normal relationship.

 

I disagree. I think age has a lot to do with it and what you are looking for in a relationship. My BF and I are perfectly content with relatively little sex - it's just not that important to either of us. It's more the flirting that we enjoy.

 

Just shows that matching libido is as important as matching financial strategies.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am a bit suspicious about her "reason" for the marriage ending. I have a funny feeling that SHE was the same way during her marriage so the guy bolted. She seems to have issues and is blaming everyone and everything instead of looking into why she can't get intimate. It is not only the sex, it is the lack of any kind of physical intimacy. What you have right now is a platonic friend, not a partner...I suspect her ex husband found that out as well. Just like you are having issues when you actually have sex with her because of the way she views physical intimacy, I would suspect her ex-husband's performance issues also had to do with the way she made him feel in that department. The problem is with her and over time your self-esteem will continue to erode. If she doesn't want to address her intimacy issues then you might have to re-think this relationship. Despite everything else going well, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who does not want to deal with her physical intimacy issues?

[Nurseman]

This a smart lady!

[RyanD333]

You guys are right, and I'm finding myself looking at other girls in that way again. But I do love her. I don't want to cheat on her, but as more time goes on and on without sex, I find myself looking other places for it, even if I don't act on those impulses.

[RyanD333]

So ultimately what should I do?

 

Should I try and be patient since I love her? Should i cut my losses now before I fall even deeper for her? Talking about it is just frustrating as hell and seems like we are beating a dead horse, not to mention it just inflates the issue!

 

Also, she won't even kiss me with her mouth open. She did at first, but now she says she "doesn't like sloppy kisses," and will just peck me. I forgot to mention that. .....

[J6th]

Hi Ryan,

 

In my opinion, sexually, it's a one-sided relationship, and you seem ready to move on. Be thankful that children aren't involved and you don't have to go through a divorce.

 

I've been married for 18 years, and we've had little to no sex. Throughout the years, we've talked and talked and tried to sort out our issues. Now I'd like a divorce, and he wants to continue working on it.

 

J.

[Nurseman]

Ok, time for a different approach. (My speciality)

 

We can't change HER, we CAN change YOU. You need to become the kind of guy she WANTS to have sex with.

 

When was the last time you two went on a "date"? A real date with flowers, dinner, a movie (I always recommend romantic comedy's), walk in the park. Stuff like that.

 

Are you overweight? (No insult my friend. I weigh 300lbs myself) If so, it's diet time. Hit the gym. Many will deny it but women LOVE muscles.

 

Friends of mine saved their marriage (or so they claim) by signing up for dance lessons.

 

Buy her some flowers, write her some stupid little love notes. Make dinner. Get some candles, nice napkins the whole shebang (Women REALLY love that)

 

Clean up after yourself.

 

Give some of this a shot, THEN try some moves on her. If still no response.......I give up. I don't know what to tell ya.

[RyanD333]

Ummm, I'm def not overweight. Not trying to be cocky or full of myself, but I've never had problems meeting or getting attention from girls. She is a beautiful girl herself.

 

And trust me, I've tried to do nice things for her. I shower her with as many gifts as I can afford, I clean her house for her to surprise her, I rub her back when it's sore, and her feet. I do all I can to make her happy and get her to lighten up. She'll smile and thank me, but no sex.

[DN]

I have seen many posts on here with much the same problem - and usually the lack of sex is an issue of the person who doesn't want it and the other partner trying to change or be seductive rarely works. And after all that effort to please the self-esteem is even more shattered when it doesn't work. If there is no reason that she is willing to address then she won't change even if she could. This is a choice she is making.

 

The fact is that there are people who just don't enjoy or like sex and if you do - then you are basically incompatible.

[KG]

"She'll smile and thank me, but no sex."

 

Then I think it's time to talk to her, tell her what you've told us, nicely. That you can't live in a sexless relationship, you aren't wired that way. She can compromise, get counselling, or close the door on you.

You sound like a great catch for the right woman.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So ultimately what should I do?

 

Should I try and be patient since I love her? Should i cut my losses now before I fall even deeper for her? Talking about it is just frustrating as hell and seems like we are beating a dead horse, not to mention it just inflates the issue!

 

Also, she won't even kiss me with her mouth open. She did at first, but now she says she "doesn't like sloppy kisses," and will just peck me. I forgot to mention that. .....

 

Okay, this is really her problem and if she doesn't want to address it then I would suggest you bail. Some people just have a lower sex drive but there are other ways that a couple can still be physically intimate without actually having sex. She seems to have issues with any kind of intimacy. There could be any number of reasons for that including being uncertain of her sexual orientation, past trauma in her life or she is simply wired in that way. It is not your responsibility to figure it out...after enough failed relationships maybe she will get a clue.

[enchanted771]

I honestly don't know. I love her a lot, and apart from the sex thing, we get along great. She's smart, well-rounded, and we have a ton in common.

 

But I'm young, in my sexual prime, and wake up frustrated almost every single day. I hate to end things just based on sex, but honestly I can't say I'm completely happy right now.

 

 

Arghhh that sucks! Well, it might not be based on sex but sex IS an important part of a relationship. If the passion dies, so will the relationship eventually...you have to have some passion.

[Blue Spiral]

Ryan--run, don't walk, from this "relationship."

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You have to ask yourself what you are being patient for? Are your expectations in line with what his possible for her, or even what she wants to do and who she wants to be? She may have no interest in being sexual, and you could be patient forever and she still wouldn't be interested.

 

It really sounds like she in fact dislikes sex and physical closeness, for whatever reason, and someone like that isn't going to spontaneously start leaping on you and loving sex. If she won't even discuss it nor consider therapy, nor consider that she should be having sex with you, then there is no point to this, unless you want a sexless life.

 

You could try a last ditch effort and tell her that you need to go into couples counseling to address your lack of sex and her revulsion to physical affection, or else it is time to recognize that your sex drives are not compatible and it is time to move on.

 

My fear for you is that if she thinks she may lose you she might put out more for a while, but as soon as you're married or it settles back down again you are back to no sex again. I think it frankly makes more sense to find someone who is more sexual than she is, who enjoys it rather than is repelled by it.