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Horrible Love


Jaybake
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My bf is wonderful. He really really is the ultimate catch. He is sociable, patient, sensitive, funny, cute, smart and has a great relationship with his family. And with our time together he has only shown me a side of him that he never shows anyone... and its a privilege that he chooses to come home to me at the end of his day. ME of all people. I have so many issues, and I have brought large amounts of drama into his life.... and yet he has stayed with me... stayed with me until I am sure tomorrow.... Let me explain.

 

I have always been insecure and haven't been able to cope with my trust issues... its just something that I have adapted as a defense mechanism and I can't seem to let go of it in this relationship. When I get stressed, when something happens....thats when my insecurity and trust issues spark like crazy....then out relationship crashes like a row of domino's. And sometimes we both catch it in time before everything comes crashing down and we repair the damage. But I believe tonight I am finally drove him away. I just do so many stupid things, and treat him so horrible that I don't know why he stays. I try so hard not to screw up... but I continue anyways..... I think my mind is tricking myself... does a part of me think I that I don't deserve love at all? Is that why I push him away? Do I subconsciously want him to find someone who wont hurt him?

 

I think that tonight I finally reached the end of his leash. For about a month now things have basically been hitting rock bottom, and we pretend that its all okay but it really isn't. Tonight I addressed this problem, and we both agreed that things aren't the same. My bf said "I hate fighting. But its all we do. Every day when I come home you find one thing to get angry at, every day." And its so true! I am causing my own pain. This relationship is failing because I overreact, because I knit pick.... because I have problems. And I so badly want to stop. I want so badly to have things the way they were a few months ago.... but....

 

He told me before he went to bed that he doesn't know what he wants. And I 100% respect that, and can 100% understand if he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Help! I don't think there is anything I can do anymore....to repair this relationship....

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Help! I don't think there is anything I can do anymore....to repair this relationship....

 

I felt the same way about my ex. everything I ever wanted in a girl...even specifically the way she looked, she sounded, etc...and it ended, because of petty fights, and finally I was cheated on.

 

I mean, it's like this: the first few months are always the best. so when you first start dating...NEVER FORGET THEM!!! savour those moments...those are the best in the relationship.

 

Now about your relationship: He's with you of all people because he loves you, obviously. you have what he likes in a girl. my ex thought the same thing: "Why are you with me?" she asked. Because I loved her, of course! why else?

 

so if he really loves you...you just need to learn to stay off the knit picking. you're taking the relationship for granted, and you feel as if he'll never leave you...but don't be sure. just take things slow, be a little less demanding in your knipickyness, and everything should be fine.

 

Good luck, though. I wish you nothing but happiness.

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There is most certainly something you can do to repair this relationship:

 

STOP.

 

While I can't tell you why you choose to do these things to sabotage your relationships, I CAN tell you that if you stop doing them things will get better.

 

You've already identified the issues at hand. You already know the root of the problems in your relationship: You. Rather, your behavior, or 'defence mechanisms'.

 

If this is and has been a persistent problem for some time, then it's high time to get professional help in resolving them - or you'll just keep making these mistakes - over, and over, and over again.

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I try so hard not to screw up... but I continue anyways..... I think my mind is tricking myself... does a part of me think I that I don't deserve love at all? Is that why I push him away? Do I subconsciously want him to find someone who wont hurt him?

 

Yes, that's very possible.

 

When you can see your patterns and say "I try so hard not to screw up" but then fall into your own "traps" anyway, this is a sign of some very deep undercurrents in your psyche that are beyond just willpower at this point: they are about feelings and beliefs about yourself that have been unaddressed, and ways that you have been wounded in the past that have not been resolved so they keep playing themselves out in these ways. I think thoughts and behaviors can almost become like addictions -- they are so habitual, that we cannot imagine how to live without them.

 

I think that first thing tomorrow, you should tell your boyfriend how much you love him and feel he deserves someone doesn't pick these kinds of battles and fights, bringing down the quality of the relationship -- but you still want to be that one for him, so would he stand by you while you work some of these things out in therapy.

 

I agree with the previous poster that you need professional help to get to the bottom of why you "need" to go there, with these dramas. They are stemming from something, they just didn't come out of nowhere, they are your pilot lights for where you can grow and heal your life and relationship. Tell him you're very serious about wanting to make these changes. And then go and get the help because yes, I don't think you really believe you're worthy of him, I can tell from your post. That perception is not going to change overnight. It's going to be hard work, so it's good he's patient, but you need to demonstrate real action, not just regret and apology.

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Are you re-living the kind of drama you saw between your parents? What kind of fights do you pick with your boyfriend? It is good that you recognize what you are doing...but you need to be able to recognize it as soon as you start picking on him and train yourself to immediately stop the behaviour as soon as you see it starting. Have you done the same thing in previous relationships? If you don't put an end to this now you will take this behaviour into subsequent relationships. Are you like this with people in general or just your boyfriend. I knew someone who was like this and she could never ever be happy in any of her relationships.

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Reading this sounds like me. Everyone who tells you to stop and change things, especially when you know exactly what you're doing, it's just not that easy. But I am trying, especially with saying sorry to my stupid fights and out bursts, it's just hard. I think one step at a time, and you'll learn to change what you feel you need to. Do it for yourself, though... it's the only way you'll truly change what you want to.

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Hi. I do the same thing. My relationship with my bf has been rocky all throughout and what I have noticed is that when he was being not the greatest bf I was a lot nicer and I didn't really start any fights. Now that he has changed and has become dedicated to being the best bf he can be, I am the one bringing all kinds of drama into the relationship. Part of this is because I am not completely over the past hurts but the rest is just sabatoge. I am starting drama because it is what I am used to, what I a comfortable with. I recognize what I am doing, but I also don't know how to change. I am going to go back to therapy, although I went for many years and haven't made much progress. I know its a slow process and I just hope my bf hangs in there with me.

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Wow! If I didn't know any better I'd think you were my ex writing.

 

My ex did the same thing. She created a lot of drama and would pick fights. Her communication skills were horrible. Yet, she would apologize for being such a * * * * * sometimes and would always think I would break up with her.

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Work on your ability to process negative emotions.

 

When we pick fights we're trying to force our own painful emotions onto someone else. Learn to take responsibility for those painful emotions and deal with them.

 

First thing you need to do is recognize them. You need to start being mindful of when you begin to feel 'dragged down' by negativity. You'll notice that these fights happen right, RIGHT, after you start feeling bad.

 

Once you start to identify yourself when you're on the downslope, you need to empower yourself to get off of it.

 

Identify those activities in your life that make you feel happy and competent. Exercise, hobbies, art, meditation--anything that gives you a sense of accomplishment and a glow afterwards.

 

Now, when you feel yourself on the 'downslope' instead of projecting all that negativity at your boyfriend in a fight, instead do something that makes you happy.

 

Whatever you do, don't give in to the urge to force your negativity on someone else--this is abusive. Even if you have to leave the room and just think about what you're feeling--really focus on allowing the feelings to just happen and watch them. Then say something like 'wow, I'm really feeling like crap right now, but that's okay, I have the right to feel like crap, it's okay to feel like crap, I accept that I feel like crap, I can deal with feeling like crap.' And then give yourself a hug.

 

When you get good at processing your negative feelings without being abusive to someone else, even THAT will give you a sense of accomplishment and boost your self-esteem.

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  • 1 month later...

Its just only two months later. And I we are calling it quits. I thought everything was going great... until he started acting distant for about a week.

 

He is saying now that we need time a part... and that he feels that we want different goals, and different things out of life.

 

Right now... I don't know what to do. We still live together. I don't know where to go from here. I just got a promotion with work.... I don't have family in this city.... I have so much furniture I don't know how to sell it or move it. And the two of us just spent all of our savings....

 

I am so lost right now.

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this type of behavior is called self sabotage. since you know you have a problem and since you want to salvage the relationship: go and find help, get some counseling.

 

you have tried by yourself to stop behaving like this, but you haven't succeeded. i don't doubt that you have good intentions, but that by itself won't be sufficient to change a behavior that you have learned and used for such a long time. you have to get some help to 'unlearn' the self sabotage and replace it with a healthier attitude.

 

and you have to try to figure out why you are doing it in the first place.

 

good luck to you

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Two days ago Jason, my boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me. His reasoning was because we both wanted different things out of life…. And I knew for a long time that he was unhappy. He is a young guy. He doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life… and doesn’t want kids or to even think about starting family.

 

I am young too, and in the limelight I am a little more mature than him. I think I know what I want to know out of life, and I guess in a way I have my life planned.

I have been talking to him about marriage, about baby names, and kid names. I didn’t think that it really impacted him to the extend that it actually did. His future career goals are still somewhat shaky and that is fine with me. I mean we are both only 20. And we love each other very much.

 

We are just going to be taking a break from each other. After reading some advice on these forums I was finally able to understand where he was coming from and it is making me feel a whole lot better. It hurt the first night a lot. And I was talking to a friend who was just full of advice and I came to a realization: I am young. And she mentioned that maybe Jason isn’t the guy for me. Well correction, he isn’t the guy for me at this stage in life.

 

He said that he is going to have to think about us, and whether this is what he wants for sure. But that could take a week, a few months, or even a few years. And right now I totally understand.

 

I love him so much. And in a way I was a little too fast in thinking of the future, and putting him on the spot and not supporting him and taking everything for granted, and being extremely clingy (and self sabotaging myself).

 

Maybe in five years he may still want to be with me. But I am not going to hold out and wait for him. It’s going to hard for such a long time to get use to not having him around. But somehow I am sure that I will pull through. And ultimately I want him to be happy. And if another girl makes him happy than that’s what I will want for him. It will be hard to think of him being intimate with another person other than me…but it will be fine. I will manage.

 

I will be giving him his space. And I will be there as a friend. Maybe in the future his best friend. I know everything about him. And he knows everything about me. It is going to be fine. I am going to be fine.

 

I just hate how I came to this realization now. But we learn from our mistakes. And maybe my true soul mate is out there… maybe I already met him… but for now I just want to be alone and enjoy being alone.

 

Heck that took a long time to figure out. The next step is trying to figure out this renting issue…

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