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Help me.. I want to save my marriage


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Hello friends.

 

My name is lakshmi. I am from India. I want someone to talk too, dont have a separate friends circle.

 

Please help me save my marriage. Sorry for the long thread.

 

I knew my husband for 10 years. We were living together without any commitments for 5 years. We really were very much in love and hes such a caring and sweet person to be with. Eventually my parents started looking alliance for me and finally I told them that I am in love with this person and was living with him. Now when my family and society came to know about it, it was a disaster. In Indian community, when a girl lives with a guy without marriage, shes an outcast. My family were outcasted. They came and spoke to my then boyfriends parents and they did not agree. We are from a lower caste and they are of higher caste. But since my entire community knew about this, they discussed a lot with his parents and finally he agreed. He loves is parents so much too. But he knew it was a mistake in both our parts to lead such a life knowing our society and then it was morally wrong too[i know in other places, there is dating, living together and but in our culture, its one man and one woman and its fate that has brought them together]. So knowing this, he finally agreed. But his Parents did not. Marriage was set immediately and done. He came alone for the marriage.

 

Then we came back to USA. He told that since it was very unpleasant what happened, there wont be any physical thing for a while. I agreed as I know it would be hurting to see his parents like that. 4 years went by. We had very good relationship with fights in between, but it was always him giving me assurance that everything will be fine soon. He will tell all the positive things that will happen. This year, beginning, we started our marital life. It was so heavenly. He had hes going to make things better. We moved to a new place. invited my parents to visit for couple of months. During this time, I made a lot of mistakes. I was clinging on to him always, maybe I guess its that I was so afraid to loose it. Whenever he did something for this relationship, I always expected more and did not appreciate him. Also felt very insecure and started checking upon him. Thinking back now, I messed it up, I actually suffocated him so much. I also started pressuring him for a baby as I was turning 32. He said it will take place.. but I think I pushed him more. Today he said, it needs a break to think how this relationship/marriage will turn out.

 

I was so broken. I never wanted this to happen. I waited all these years 10 to have a great start which happened this year and I pushed him so much. I was desperate and begged him that I will correct my mistakes and not make him feel so. He told that it was not me, I might be a nice person, but its that we cannot be together, that will not make both of us happy. He said he does not have that love for me anymore and not happy.

 

Today was his birthday, he said I want some time off to be alone and I agreed. He called me from office and checked up on me. I told him, I miss him and will do anything to save this marriage and give it a second chance. And asked him if hes open for marriage counseling. He said, I know what I want, but may be to support you, we can give it a try. He said, you got to do what you got to do and I will do mine, it may or may not be the same. He came in the evening packed dresses for the weekend and said he wants to spend the weekend to have his time alone. I did cry when he left, but controlled it as I thought I should not do the same mistake of suffocating him again.

 

I know him. He loves me, may be not as much as he used to. I want to bring that feelings back. I am ready to do whatever it takes. I love him so much and I don't want to divorce or leave him. Hes my life, he knew me in and out.

 

Please friends, I am strong believer that impossible is just a word. If we give our entire heart and soul, anything can be done. I want him to understand that and give me a second chance. Please let me know what I should do to not push him further and save this marriage. How should I react when he comes back home after the weekend? What will make him consider that I am changing and doing positively anything possible for this relationship and for him to be happy.

 

Also does marriage counseling help? Can you please suggest some who understands our Indian culture too. any one in NJ/NY

 

Thanks so much for reading the big post.

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i wish i could say it will work out alright, but no one on thos forum can tell you that and know for sure.

 

its all up too him, and how he will act on his feelings.

it sounds terrible to give up a beautiful marrage over something like this, hopfully he will relise it.

 

good luck hun

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i wish i could say it will work out alright, but no one on thos forum can tell you that and know for sure.

 

its all up too him, and how he will act on his feelings.

it sounds terrible to give up a beautiful marrage over something like this, hopfully he will relise it.

 

good luck hun

 

Thanks for your kind words..

 

I hope too...

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I think you should tell him you want to work things out, and ask him what you and he can do to give your relationship a chance.

 

I have told him, I will do whatever it takes....

 

he says, yes I know u will, but I don't hv anything more to give

 

I so love him and can't think of a world without him...

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Why are you putting all the blame on yourself? It takes two in a relationship!

 

Yes, marriage counseling can work if both parties are up for it. I think you should give it a try.

 

Why don't you go online to find S. Asian counselors in your area.

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I am so sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. I am sure it must be heartwrenching that you love your husband dearly and cannot accept that his feelings have changed.

 

I know I am accustomed to the American dating/marraige culture, however love can speak all languages and my advice to you is to step back from asking anything emotional of your husband. Go to counseling alone to be able to be more emotionally independent. Tell him you love him, but you will give him his space to decide what is best for both of you. Believe me, you do not want to stay in a marriage with someone who does not love you (if that is indeed the case).

 

If your husband will go to counseling with you, then that would also be helpful. When your husband sees that you are more emotionally healthy and able to stand on your own, maybe he will be willing to work out your marriage. If not, then you must eventually accept this. I hope you work it out, but in the mean time, definitely find a good therapist who can help you cope during this difficult time. Wish you the best.

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Yesterday night, I called him around 3AM, but did not leave any message.

He called me today morning and just asked if everything's Ok and sorry that he slept and did not take the call.

 

I was fine not contacting him or begging him, until I heard his voice. I asked him when he will be back, I don't know, soon. I told him that I missed him so much (I know it will be too begging, but couldn't control), he said he did not as much as I do and that's the problem.

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One and half days over and only one contact so far.

 

I soooooooo want to call him now and ask if he will come over for dinner

 

Will that look needy or clingy? One of our friend has come from India yesterday and she had left a voice message asking about us and when we can meet, may be I can use that an excuse to call him? Or I should just maintain NC..

 

Please advice.. I am going insane here crying...

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hello Lakshmi,

I'm from India too. I'm sorry to read your post.

I'm not yet married and never been in a relationship similar to yours so I can't offer a specific advice on that.

- But my impression has been that you are using your hubby as a social system and that might have drained him. I'm not sure if you are still in the US or not. If you are, there are a lot of opportunities where you can join groups and explore your interests, talents, hobbies outside. Encourage your husband to do that as well. Please listen/read the lyrics of the song "hold on loosely". (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to copy it here without the lyricist's permission)

- Don't worry too much about a child. Many women stay fertile until their mid to late 40s. All you need is 1 egg. First try to create a warm environment in your home for your future baby.

- Is your husband normally good at articulating his feelings and communicating them to you? have you noticed any differences in that area lately? Many men struggle to say openly what they are feeling inside if they feel judged or fear that you'll attack them.

- I would not use any excuse to contact him back. Give him his room to breathe, clear his head, let him figure things out. Most men I've seen operate differently from women. We cope up by talking, discussing. They take their time to figure things out on their own mostly without discussing. I would give him his room, continue to be supportive, understanding, less aggressive. Don't attack him if he says something that you don't immediately approve of. That is a sureshot way of closing the door to a man's heart slowly but permanently. Seriuosly, try to be more understanding and less judgemental. You can't force a relationship on a man that doesn't want it anymore and even if it hurts and its an extreme, its better to be alone than feel lonely in a marriage. I'm not suggesting that you think of the extreme (b'coz I'm afraid it would make you cling more) but assure him in a calm way that ultimately you want the best for him and if that involves a relationship with you then you will do whatever it takes to work it out with him and see both of you happy.

- I would certainly encourage going to a marriage counsellor. You have suggested your hubby already. Don't push the topic again. If he chooses to go, great, if not, you go.

- Do you know if this has something to do with you? or he is going through something at work, career? is there something related to his relatives, your in-laws, or he is just trying to figure out his path in life? It can be anything, right?

I know I've written a long reply. Hope this helps.

Keep praying, hope you get some guidance here as well. Keep an open heart to change things that you can. I hope things resolve. Good luck!

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hi.. i am in the same situation as you are... well i talk to my husband and asked him if we can try to work things out even for just a month. i said maybe for that short time he can feel something for me again. he agreed to try until end of december. we started going out as if we are just lovers. then suddenly he started sleeping at home every other day (he's now staying with my inlaws). he is still aloof until now but showing some signs that he still cares. i just don't pressure him. don't ask anything about his feelings. just let him be. go wherever he wants to go ( but always ends up coming to me ). now he is texting me everyday to know where i am. and i asked him if he want to go out of town with me this weekend... he said yes (and still pretend that he's just going along with me) but then he ask everyday if i already made the hotel reservations... it looks like he's also excited about the out of town. now i'm just hoping that everything will turn out well.

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Thanks tina.

 

hello Lakshmi,

- But my impression has been that you are using your hubby as a social system and that might have drained him. I'm not sure if you are still in the US or not. If you are, there are a lot of opportunities where you can join groups and explore your interests, talents, hobbies outside. Encourage your husband to do that as well. Please listen/read the lyrics of the song "hold on loosely". (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to copy it here without the lyricist's permission)

 

I love him with all my heart. Maybe my actions would have pushed him to think like that, I agree. I am now trying hard to make him understand that its not the case.

 

I have applied for volunteering and I am planning to just concentrate on those now.

 

- Don't worry too much about a child. Many women stay fertile until their mid to late 40s. All you need is 1 egg. First try to create a warm environment in your home for your future baby.

 

I completely understand and agree that now. Marriage is first important, everything else will fall in place.

 

- Is your husband normally good at articulating his feelings and communicating them to you? have you noticed any differences in that area lately? Many men struggle to say openly what they are feeling inside if they feel judged or fear that you'll attack them.

 

Hes actually good in that. Lately hes more precise with words thats so hurting to me

 

- I would not use any excuse to contact him back. Give him his room to breathe, clear his head, let him figure things out. Most men I've seen operate differently from women. We cope up by talking, discussing. They take their time to figure things out on their own mostly without discussing. I would give him his room, continue to be supportive, understanding, less aggressive. Don't attack him if he says something that you don't immediately approve of. That is a sure shot way of closing the door to a man's heart slowly but permanently.

 

Tina, I am giving him his space, even though its hurting so much. I wish I had come to this place earlier. I think I was over pouring the love and care that he did not like it. It came out as needy and clingy. Also, I am very calm nowadays and not saying anything against him at all.

 

Seriuosly, try to be more understanding and less judgemental. You can't force a relationship on a man that doesn't want it anymore and even if it hurts and its an extreme, its better to be alone than feel lonely in a marriage.

 

I understand. I dont want to loose him, hes such a nice person and I am trying as much as possible to bring that love.

 

I'm not suggesting that you think of the extreme (b'coz I'm afraid it would make you cling more) but assure him in a calm way that ultimately you want the best for him and if that involves a relationship with you then you will do whatever it takes to work it out with him and see both of you happy.

 

Its very hard to say that with his mindset now, he would immediately say, leave me. But I will try. I will not cling to him or make him feel suffocated.

 

- I would certainly encourage going to a marriage counsellor. You have suggested your hubby already. Don't push the topic again. If he chooses to go, great, if not, you go.

 

He agreed and we are meeting one this tuesday. Hopefully it helps.

 

- Do you know if this has something to do with you? or he is going through something at work, career? is there something related to his relatives, your in-laws, or he is just trying to figure out his path in life? It can be anything, right?

 

I understand. Lots of things are happening at the same time I guess. His parents are completely against this marriage and may be hes not liking it thinking futuristic.

 

His job is stagnant, he wants to change the job, but with Green card and current economy, he's not able to. He had hired someone to create a website and they are not prompt in doing job.

I know I've written a long reply. Hope this helps.

Keep praying, hope you get some guidance here as well. Keep an open heart to change things that you can. I hope things resolve. Good luck!

 

Thanks so much for taking time and helping me. You are a sweet soul. Hope my husband gives me a chance to show him that I could anything to make him happy.

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nurseclei, Thanks much for the post and hope it turns out fruitful for you as well. I pray so too. Very happy to hear that its going as you expected.

 

 

 

Yes, I understand that I need to give him space. I have some friends, I am planning to spend some time with.

 

I trust him now more even though my mind says to snoop and suspect him. But I am restricting that thought. Also I will just keep calm and let him do whatever he wants. Not going to ask anything or do anything unless he wants to ask.

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY WISHES FOR WIFE : KAVEESH MOMMY

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