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I think I know why I can't get over this...


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if you've been reading my threads you probably know that my ex contacted me three times via e-mail/txt over the past month and a half with simple "how are yous" and one "come get your stuff" even after i asked her never to talk to me again and had our mutual friend get my things before her latest "come get your stuff" 2 months later from that date (this was monday before last). i ignored all three contact attempts. she's not getting anything from me. people have asked me to block her e-mail, etc. i haven't had enough courage to do that yet... because in the back of my mind i'm waiting on the "ive made a mistake" mail that will likely not come, but instead more "how are yous" and crap like that that I will continue to ignore.

 

there was another set back a few days ago when i was talking to my friend face to face and he had myspace up and i saw her latest profile picture. no it wasn't with another guy but it was a new picture of her. i shook all over when i saw it. i was able to get through it because finally someone had enough gall to tell me what i wanted to hear from the very beginning which was "dude she was such a b**** to you." i knew this but i always denied it. she's a decent person but there were times to me where she would not consider my feelings at all (read my posts from years back to see what i mean... the whole marriage thing sticks out) and hurt me without any remorse.

 

but i think i know what the problem is and i see a big mountain i have to surmount to overcome it. i'm shy and lack social skills. my ex actually pursued me more than i did her. before that, the girl i dated for 2-3 months also pursued me. i have never been the one who pursued. tonight i'm actually going to a college party with two of my friends from college (I'm well out of college) and there will apparently be lots of "single cute girls." i don't expect success but i am going to just go and be myself and try to carry confidence in who i am. who knows what will happen.

 

but anyway, here i am at 27 in a few days. i'm super shy. soon i will probably have another job in another city with no friends. what can i do as a shy person to improve my circumstances? i feel like the first thing i should do is to make friends. should i try therapy to work through my social problems? are there any good books on conversation and how to be a good conversationalist? i hate being shy and quiet. what can i do?

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I suffer from shyness myself. But, I dunno, lately I don't have any problems. It's just you being you and you're either going to make a friend or not. You can't expect everybody to like you. You have to put yourself out there. No expectations and just generally have a good time. Just live in that moment and do not think about the future. Just have confidence as who you are. That's it.

 

You either fail or you don't. Just as long as you keep trying, something will eventually pull out of it.

 

Because you are moving to a new town, why not just let loose? Not like you'll see any of these people again.

 

Good luck!

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Sounds like you're afraid of not being able to meet new women. Definitely normal in any break up, but being shy definitely does not help. I am quite shy myself. I have actually been able to overcome this to a large degree, but my own break-up is setting me back. I usually think of that Nike phrase "just do it".

 

Great for working out, and also great for getting out of your bubble. It's hard to start working out and what not, it's also hard for quiet people to open up to people. You just gotta do it dude. Don't be scared of saying something stupid or anything like that. To be a good conversationalist you can read all the books you want and you still won't help. You don't learn how to DO stuff by reading about it. You can learn history and biology like that, but you learn how to DO stuff by DOING it! So just go do it! I don't know about you, but if I want to call a girl, it takes me quite a while with that number punched in, mulling over the situation to push the send button. You're going to f*ck up and have awkward moments and not know what to say and be entirely apprehensive, but you just gotta do it. The most important part for me is not really caring what the other person thinks about what I say. You're not going to mesh with everybody, and when you don't, that's cool, becuase there are others who you will mesh with. Others will be really into your interests and personality. If for some reason you don't mesh with anyone you meet, that doesn't mean those people who you would mesh with aren't out there. It's just harder for quieter people to meet each other! Which sucks, but hey. Quieter people do different things, you know. But if that's not the person you want to be, you gotta work towards changing that part of you!

 

You've got to be 100% confident in what you've got to say. When I was quieter I was scared to tell people if I didn't understand something they were saying (you know, like asking questions in grade school when you didn't understand). Now I am totally confident in who I am. You know? You've got to be 100% confident in who you are, how you feel, what you're thinking, and most importantly, how damn good looking you are.

 

Oh, another important thing is being able to listen really well. Usually I listen extremely well, but when I am in a conversation it's hard for me to listen to the other person because I am naturally quiet and thereforee so anxious about what I am going to say next that I don't really hear what they are saying, but then you say something stupid like ask them a question they just answered because you weren't really listening to them.

 

Anyway, that's all I got on that subject.

 

On another note, if you're gonna get past this you can't keep waiting for that "I made a mistake" note. You're just going to be torn apart your whole life, unable to move on. I don't know the circumstances, but assuming she broke up with you, you know how badly that hurts. So what if you are dating someone else and you get an email from your ex saying she made a mistake, what would you do? Would you break this other woman's heart to go back to your ex? How would you feel about making this other woman hurt so much? You've gotta have defined moral boundaries here! I dunno. I just don't want you to keep feeling this hope of her running back to you and you just being even more dissappointed in the end.

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Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS

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