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Why do people blame the faithful spouse for the decision to cheat?


Kate51

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I was just wondering why it is that people outside the marriage, what to blame the faithful spouse, when the other one has cheated?

 

They both lived in the same marriage, why did one decide to cheat and the other one stay faithful?

 

The pain of infidelity is much more devastatiing than the pain of death, so why would someone who is suppose to love you and cherish you, put you throught this?

 

Would you? Would you hurt someone you loved this way?

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They do it to justify their actions. Deep down I think they know it is their fault, but they rewrite the entire history of the relationship to justify what it is they have done. Like they have to have a reason for what happened and can't take accountability for their own actions so they blame it on their partner.

 

You have to understand that cheating is a purely selfish act. It isn't done to spite the other person but a pursuit of ones' own selfish desires.

 

Yes, it is extremely, extremely painful.

 

I would never do it in a million years. It just isn't in me.

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They do it to justify their actions. Deep down I think they know it is their fault, but they rewrite the entire history of the relationship to justify what it is they have done. Like they have to have a reason for what happened and can't take accountability for their own actions so they blame it on their partner.

 

You have to understand that cheating is a purely selfish act. It isn't done to spite the other person but a pursuit of ones' own selfish desires.

 

This is exactly right. Cheaters cannot accept responsibility for what they've done. They have to find some way to rationalize their selfish actions, and blaming the betrayed spouse is the best way to do that.

 

Yes, it adds horrible insult to horrible injury, and it takes at least half a conscience for a cheater to turn around and admit they are in the wrong.

 

The act of cheating on a faithful spouse just shows a dearth of character, so when you think about it, it shouldn't be surprising that the cheater will blame the victim.

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So they can have someone else to blame for their actions and not deal with consequences. As to why one would remain faithful while the other one doesn't, there can be varying of reasons to that one.

 

It can range from recklessness, not knowing how to address the issues in the marriage, first time they got marriage and it can be shocking, first experience and they might want to see how it's like being with someone else (this applies for those that were virgins when you met your SO), seeking attention, getting caught up in passion, the person's personality traits, history of cheating parents, ect.

 

In the end it's they who chose to do it. Cheating is not in any way like the same as when you forgot to rewind the type. That was a conscious and well thought decision you made and only you are to blame for the outcomes. Some can forgive and forget while others can't.

 

Kate has this happened to you by the way, I'm curious?

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If someone cheats on me, I do not give them a chance to say "Well I wouldn't have cheated if you....."

 

No thanks. Save that sob story for someone who cares

 

I agree though. It is a cowardly way to deal with the fact that they are the one that messed up. If they can put the blame on someone else, they will get a temporary sense of justification. In the long run, they will all regret it and they will not be able to trust anyone they date in the future because cheating becomes a reality to them so they will always question their partner.

 

Cheaters make me nautious!

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Another thing, in my opinion I think that dumping them would then teach them a lesson in life. See, if you take them back from whatever reason then in some cases, they can think ''This is my free pass then, he/she accepted my behavior. Yes there are those that never do it again when taken back but very rare nowadays.

 

Then very hard to believe they won't do it again esp. if they are either discovered or in severe cases caught red handed and the cheated on spouse had to witness it with their own eyes. Now if they actually confess out of free will (very, very rare) then it can be worked out more.

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I was just wondering why it is that people outside the marriage, what to blame the faithful spouse, when the other one has cheated?

 

They blame b/c they can't accept the responsibility of their actions.

 

They both lived in the same marriage, why did one decide to cheat and the other one stay faithful?

 

Um, one person wanted to or had the opportunity to do so?

 

The pain of infidelity is much more devastatiing than the pain of death, so why would someone who is suppose to love you and cherish you, put you throught this?

 

And I'm going to have to disagree with you. I have been cheated on and I have had people I loved die. And death is much more painful. Maybe it's different for you. But people cheat because they are bored, or don't really love you, or they're horny, thrill seekers, for variety, b/c they have low self-esteem, they have a fetish, lack of commitment, etc.

 

Would you? Would you hurt someone you loved this way?

 

I have cheated. I'm not proud of it. But I'm also not a liar. I didn't want to hurt my partner but I was young and selfish.

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Not all cheaters refuse to take responsibility. My husband accepted responsibility when he cheated, all of it. What he didn't do was accept responsibility for fixing what made him cheat to begin with. I didn't make too big a deal of it and I can see now that it was a mistake not to. It had never occurred to me that my spouse would cheat. When he did I was more surprised than anything else, but it did explain much of his behavior. Looking back, I was very naive and I thought all he had to do was decide not to do it again and everything would be magically all better. I was w-w-w-w-wrong.

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I THINK EVERYONE IS MISUNDERSTANDING THE QUESTIONS OF THE OP.

 

If I understand the question correctly, she is asking why people who aren't part of the marriage (family, friends?) who know about the situation, blame the person who was faithful and not the cheater.

 

I think we need more details to answer the question really. The outsiders are probably biased one way or the other?

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i don't think that the cheater really BLAMES the other spouse for it. i think that they just say they blame them in order to relieve some of their guilt and make them look like the good guy (or girl.) it's a defense mechanism. plus, when the cheater gets angry that they were caught, in the heat of the moment they will rarely blame themselves 100%. you always get the "WELL... if you weren't always out with your friends," or "Well, if you weren't three states away..!" etc. This is their hope that you will stop being angry at them and will let them get away with it. Or to turn the tables so that the guilt is placed on you instead of them.

 

It doesn't just happen with cheating. My father turned out to be an alcoholic while married to my mother. Whenever she would talk to him about it he'd say it was "because of her" that he drank. Well apparently that wasn't really true because 15 years after their divorce he is still calling telling her he wants her back and still loves her.

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I THINK EVERYONE IS MISUNDERSTANDING THE QUESTIONS OF THE OP.

 

If I understand the question correctly, she is asking why people who aren't part of the marriage (family, friends?) who know about the situation, blame the person who was faithful and not the cheater.

 

I think we need more details to answer the question really. The outsiders are probably biased one way or the other?

if that was what the OP was asking, i really don't think people do that? at least not anyone in my group of friends or family. why hurt somebody even more in that situation?

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Not all cheaters refuse to take responsibility. My husband accepted responsibility when he cheated, all of it. What he didn't do was accept responsibility for fixing what made him cheat to begin with. I didn't make too big a deal of it and I can see now that it was a mistake not to. It had never occurred to me that my spouse would cheat. When he did I was more surprised than anything else, but it did explain much of his behavior. Looking back, I was very naive and I thought all he had to do was decide not to do it again and everything would be magically all better. I was w-w-w-w-wrong.

 

Not to be a thread stealer here, but did your husband know what made him cheat?

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I was just wondering why it is that people outside the marriage, what to blame the faithful spouse, when the other one has cheated?

 

Cheating as we know is a very selfish act. Works well how it was put earlier, not as simple as 'forgetting to rewind the tape' it is indeed a conscious choice. Why do the blame the innocent party, because it's a vain attempt to defend themselves from an indefensible position. Unless in the case of an exit affair from an abusive marriage; there are simply a plethora of much more suitable choices.

 

I think Ice said this earlier; cheaters know what they are doing is wrong but if they want to continue with the affair they have to vilify their partner to make it seem 'fair' in their own minds. To make it seem that this is something that is owed to them and in THEIR case, is actually right.

 

They both lived in the same marriage, why did one decide to cheat and the other one stay faithful?

 

And that is the million dollar question!! I'm sure humans have been pondering this for millennia and will for millennia still.

 

The pain of infidelity is much more devastatiing than the pain of death, so why would someone who is suppose to love you and cherish you, put you throught this?

 

We think of avoiding an affair solely from a logical standpint. (ie, if I do X, and my SO finds out, I will lose Y). But affairs do not follow this paradigm. The vast majority of cheaters do not want to hurt the ones they love or even end their relationships, but during of just before the affair, it's almost as if black is white and so on.

 

Would you? Would you hurt someone you loved this way?

 

Well, I'm too selfish. I really love my wife and I woudn't want to lose her or for that matter see her in pain, irreprable pain and know that I caused it. I've made the vow that If I where to I would have to tell her and I know that would be the road to splitsville. Makes it somewhat easier to walk away from temptation.

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One thing about this confuses me. People have said that Bill Clinton or Elliot Spitzer or John Edwards just weren't getting what they needed sexually at home, so they blame the wives, but these men stayed with their wives. So, the sex can't be that bad.

Jennifer Aniston was blamed for Brad's affair and while she was in therapy, she was told that she needed to hold some responsibility for it and stop acting like a victim.

Reese Witherspoon even said that she needed to take responsibility for making wrong choices in her life.

The cheated spouses are often advised to ask themselves where they have failed in their relationship!

I think this is absolutely horrible for people to have to accept blame for their loved one's faults!! Communication should always be first when someone feels they are about to breech trust or are no longer happy in the relationship!! If they can't do that, they are selfish, lazy, destructive fools.

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Okay, here I go. I have been married 18 years. I was full of life, I loved doing and going places, I loved making love, I had so many friends, I worked hard outside of the home and in the home as I have 3 children. Now all raised. I found out my husband has been having affairs since we got married. Right from the beginning.

I have lost friends, because they say I hold some responsibility to this. I feel like I hold no responsibility. I did nothing wrong. Yes, I got angry at times, because my husband would be emotionally unavailable or just not communicate with me.

But I did not deserve this. I just lost 18 years of my life. All he ever had to do was tell me that he didn't want to be with me or love me and I would have let him go.

I could have found someone who would have appreciated me, loved me, but he stole all these years from me. Now I am 51 and close to retirement. I am mad. Angry, not that he did what he did, if thats what he wanted he should have let me go, but instead used up my life. I am not married anymore.

But WHY do others want to blame me?

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The only reason I can see for others to blame you is because they feel:

 

1. That they have to blame somebody.

2. That they don't want to blame him.

 

 

Pretty much. They are all biased, and apparently closer to him than you. It's a very unfair situation for you to be in. I know it must be painful for you to hear them say those things, but any reasonable unbiased person will tell you that your husband had no right to cheat. He is responsible for his actions: not you.

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Here's a few thoughts on this topic......

 

1. I dont believe people cheat to deliberately hurt their spouse. I think that most people believe that they are clever enough that they will not get caught. However, overconfidence breeds carelessness, and sooner or later most get caught.

 

2. It's easy to just assume that the injured party is automatically some kind of saint. That may, or may not, be true.

 

3. and when it comes to what others think, or who they are blaming, that probably depends on which person they were closer to, and what they were told about the situation. In all likelihood, the cheater probably ends up portraying the victim as some kind of monster or something in order to justify their actions to others.

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You can't be held accountable if you weren't even aware there were problems. It was HIS obligation as your spouse to tell you if something wasn't working. I agree, he should have told you. Cheating is NEVER, justified- Ever.

It's because some people say " He wouldn't have strayed is something wasn't missing" - but I disagree- Cheating is a choice. He had the choice to either discuss things with you and work on it, Ask you for a divorce or cheat.

A lot of People assume a person cheats because their spouse either isn't emotionally available or because they refuse to have sex- Not always the case. Sad to say it, but there are people out there who do it for no other reason other than to see if they could get away with it.

I don't believe in placing blame on the non -cheating party- After all, you chose NOT to cheat, even though you had times of feeling unsatisfied as well. I really feel for you. I really wish he had told you sooner. But remember-this was NOT your fault.

You still have time- and you're still someone to be loved.

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  • 1 month later...

People sometimes blame the faithful spouse for the same reason why they might feel a need to blame any other victim. For example, "She was asking to be raped wearing a dress like that". This phenomenon is known as the Just World theory. In order to feel safe about the world we live in, some people need to believe that bad things don't happen to good people. So the faithful spouse "must" have done something wrong to "deserve" what happened. If not, it might just happen to anyone! We can't have that now, can we?? Unfortunate thinking, but sadly quite common.

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The pain of infidelity is much more devastatiing than the pain of death,

 

This is a far out there statement. I have been "cheated" on with incredible drama about it. Insecurity, hurt, pain, incredible amount of crying.

 

Hasn't even come close to the pain I have felt in losing a significant person in my life. Not even close.

 

Both events are painful. Infidelity is one that you can become stronger from, you can move on and find another to replace a need. I can't replace a loved one who has left.

 

Sorry that statement is way to big a leap to accept.

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There are many causes of infidelity. Only the two in a marriage can know the true meaning for one's decision to stray. A lot of times both people had a hand in the status of the relationship. A lot of times, it seems to have happened for no reason.

 

People like to try and judge. People make rash statements and think they know the "inside" scoop.

 

Honestly what others think means nothing. It is more important that the individuals look at their relationship with an honest view and try and determine if there was anything they could have done differently to avoid this from happening. And if it does happen only they can decide if they are strong enough to overcome it.

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