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Is there such a thing as a long term monogamous FWB ?


WoundedHeart
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I have spent the last 2 yrs online dating without a lot of luck . I feel my bad luck with online dating is because I have never been clear about what I am looking for .I believe the reason why I wasn't clear is because I really didn't know exactly what I was looking for until recently . Once I figured out exactly what I am looking for ,I was then afraid to admit it because it makes me come accross as only being interested in sex . Hey what can I say ,sex is one of my top 3 things of importance .

What I am looking for is a long term monogamous FWB ,if there is such a thing . I have no interest in ever getting married again, because I have been married more than once ,and know that marriage is not for me .I seriously doubt I ever want to live with a man again as well ,but slumber parties at each others houses can be fun .

I like my freedom and space . I would like to be able to call someone up and say " Hey Baby wanna play hide the salami ?" ,do our thing and then go our own way . I would like to spend time together having fun and doing cool things ,but not 24/7 . I like keeping my home life separate from any relationship I may have . I would be perfectly content with a man never meeting my children and I really have no interest in being involved with their children if they have them,because in most cases ,other than my children , I really don't like kids .

I am totally open to loving someone ,but I don't feel it is necessary to have someone up my ass 24/7, or have to answer to anyone . I like choosing when I allow people in my space .

I don't have to many requirements for a man but the main one is I NEED to be the only person they are sleeping with as they would be with me. This one point seems to be what is hanging me up because I come accross the men who want to dip their poles in several ponds and I don't want to have to worry about STD's and I don't like sharing .

I have been told I will likely not find what I am looking for by more then one person . I was told I won't find this because I am not offering my total self to someone,but only a part of myself . I have always held a part of myself back ,even in my marriages .It is much easier for me to gave a man my body then my heartbecause it is safer . Hey the only time I offered my total self to someone ,I was rejected and hurt with my heart lying exposed and bleeding ,so I am not interested in going there again . Am I asking for the impossible ? Will I ever find this ? Thought please .

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I was told I won't find this because I am not offering my total self to someone,but only a part of myself . I have always held a part of myself back ,even in my marriages .It is much easier for me to gave a man my body then my heartbecause it is safer . Hey the only time I offered my total self to someone ,I was rejected and hurt with my heart lying exposed and bleeding ,so I am not interested in going there again . Am I asking for the impossible ? Will I ever find this ? Thought please .

 

 

Read this part again.

 

I think FWB is just fine. But, this part struck me. Do you really want to give up on love because of one guy who, in the end, didn't deserve your heart?

 

I question your ability to be happy with this mindset.

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The main idea of an FWB means they do not love you, you can not impose rules on their sexuality, and they are there for sex only.

I can see your point but what would you call what I am looking for then ? I have tried coming up with the words to discribe what I am looking for and this is the closest I have come .

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Read this part again.

 

I think FWB is just fine. But, this part struck me. Do you really want to give up on love because of one guy who, in the end, didn't deserve your heart?

 

I question your ability to be happy with this mindset.

 

I don't want to give up on love . I would like nothing more than to love someone and have someone love me ,but I just don't want all the crap that goes along with it . I spent my entire life looking for love without much success so I guess we can call this self preservation ,a way to protect myself from hurt .

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I had people tell me the kind of relationship I wanted wasn't possible either, but I refused to believe them.

 

I've come to realize that when someone tells you "that kind of relationship isn't possible" what they're really saying is that it's not possible for them. Not that it's not possible for you or for some other like-minded person....but that it's not possible for them.

 

Knowing what you want is half the battle. Finding someone who is looking for something simliar is the other half.

 

I won't tell you what you want is not possible, but I think it would be accurate and fair to say that it will probably be difficult to find.

 

But you could you say that about someone who was looking to be in a more "traditional" kind of relationship, too.

 

I also agree with debaser wolf's observations about your mindset.

 

Hey the only time I offered my total self to someone ,I was rejected and hurt with my heart lying exposed and bleeding ,so I am not interested in going there again

 

I'm hearing a decision motivated by fear -- fear of rejection, fear of hurt.

 

Decisions motivated by fear aren't a good way to live one's life. They tend to really limit our experiences, our growth, and ultimately, they limit ourselves. Being rejected and hurt is no picnic...but the thing is by taking actions that you believe limit your exposure to those things, you are also restricting the good things that can come from opening up and being accepted and loved.

 

A ship that stays in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for.

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You are asking for a exclusive physical relationship. However, that condems the other person to a relationship with no emotional intimacy for "long term" as you put it. The primary human emotional drive is to be loved. I think it will be pretty hard to find someone that only has physical needs and wants to be exclusive.

 

Where are all these men whose emotional drive is to be loved ? Apparently not where I live . LOL I have yet to find one . I keep coming accross the ones who are so damaged by what other women have done to hurt them , that I can't even get a foot in the door . They seem to want to blame me or be of the thought that since past women have hurt them that I will hurt them as well, so they aren't even willing to let me in . I guess it all comes down to self preservation .

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Love comes with crap, no way out of it. People are people with all their foibles.

 

LOL... ain't that the truth?

 

Part of loving someone (and being loved in return) is loving ALL of them -- the good, the bad and the ugly. You can't just pick the parts you want and leave the rest like you can at, say, an AA meeting.

 

This is true of anything/anyone you love -- be it a significant other or a pet or a career or a hobby. There's always going to be some portions that you don't like or that are crappy or painful...but the challenge is learning to accept and love the whole package, the whole experience.

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Where are all these men whose emotional drive is to be loved ? Apparently not where I live . LOL I have yet to find one . I keep coming accross the ones who are so damaged by what other women have done to hurt them , that I can't even get a foot in the door . They seem to want to blame me or be of the thought that since past women have hurt them that I will hurt them as well, so they aren't even willing to let me in . I guess it all comes down to self preservation .

 

We attract who we are. We create our reality with our thoughts, attitudes and beliefs.

 

If you are approaching this with an attitude of it being "self preservation" and that you cannot let your guard down because you will not allow someone to hurt you again, you are going to attract exactly what you've been getting.

 

Do you not see the irony here?

 

From your first post:

 

Hey the only time I offered my total self to someone ,I was rejected and hurt with my heart lying exposed and bleeding ,so I am not interested in going there again.

 

From a subsequent post:

 

I keep coming accross the ones who are so damaged by what other women have done to hurt them , that I can't even get a foot in the door . They seem to want to blame me or be of the thought that since past women have hurt them that I will hurt them as well, so they aren't even willing to let me in .

 

You are doing the same thing.

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Be careful what you wish for......

 

I think you are hiding from something emotionally. We must face our fears and learn who we are and what we truly want. It sounds like you want to love and be loved but you do not want to risk your heart or put in the work to that end.

 

It is possible to find the person you seek but it won't last. You may just have to replace them every year.......disposable relationships.

 

lost

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I would like to be able to call someone up and say " Hey Baby wanna play hide the salami ?" ,do our thing and then go our own way.

 

As others have pointed out, Wounded, this is an extremely unrealistic idea. Surely you've seen how ENA is flooded with posts from women who don't know how to handle their boyfriends' intense desires to commit to them and inability to use them solely for sex. My gender is so incredibly romantic and emotional that women have to force us to be more superficial and one-track-minded!

 

Meanwhile, back in the universe where our planet has a blue sky, any breathing woman between the ages of, oh, 16 and 50 can't take more than two steps without tripping over a guy who wants sex and nothing else. So, I'd say that your chances of finding a FWB are pretty good.

 

The "exclusive" part is a bit trickier, I'll grant you. I suggest looking for a career-minded guy who doesn't have time for a regular relationship. Not a player, but someone who can't bother with dating and wants a steady person to rely on for sex.

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