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I broke it off but I want him back.


sparks88

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My boyfriend and I had been together for nearly 3 years but recently I'd felt we were drifting apart and not talking or acting like a couple. Looking back on it now, I think this was mostly my fault - he tried a few times to spend more time with me but I kept pushing him away because I thought we were coming to an end. 4 days ago he made me sit down and talk about it I said I thought we were over.

 

The next day things were a lot better between us. It was like a weight had lifted and we were laughing and joking and acting like we used to, although I kept breaking down in tears. Halfway through the day I freaked out and told him I had changed my mind and that I did love him and I wanted to try again. He got really upset and went out for 2 hours and when he came back he said that he thought I was just overreacting and that we shouldn't try again. I didn't argue with him because I wanted to go back to us being friendly and nice to each other again. The worst thing I did was that he asked if I still loved him and I didn't say anything, which really upset him.

 

There was stuff wrong with us, I realise that. We were living together but we both sucked at housework and he lost his job recently so I started to resent that he didn't clean up more when I was at work.

 

But since we broke up, I moved back to my parents and I'm a wreck. I haven't eaten since the night we split up, and have been sleeping far too long, like 14-15 hours a night. I feel constantly sick and dizzy and the only thing that makes me feel better is that he said he doesn't hate me and that we can be friends. But in all my fantasies now I'm hoping we can take a break, have a little time to sort our lives out (we were both stuck in ruts career-wise) and still see each other as friends and get back together one day.

 

I feel like such an idiot. I hurt him so much and now the only person in the world I want to see is him but I know that's not fair on him. I miss him and I think I might still love him. But I can't say that cos he won't believe cos I freaked out that first time.

 

Is there any chance we'll get back together? He still loves me but I hurt him so much, I feel like the worst person in the world I thought our problems meant we were naturally over but now I wish I'd worked harder to sort them out.

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you know what, as time goes on and you get to sort your feelings out more and your head clears up with all these emotions, you'll slowly, little by little, start feeling better about it. right after you break up, naturally, emotions are running high and alot of these 'what if' questions start popping up. its part of the grieving process....before jumping straight back into it, you have to be completely sure about how you feel. yeah, maybe one day you will get back together with this guy. but then again, you might come out of this tunnel and feel like you dont want/need to....give it time.

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Thanks duppy. Right now, this is so hard. Everyone keeps saying 'sure, after a little while you might not feel any of this' and sometimes I feel so numb that I can imagine being able to live without him, but most of the time I feel like curling up in a ball and dying.

 

I spose what doesn't help is, we were getting on so well the next day after I called time that we spent some of the morning in bed talking and at one point had sex. I felt so much better afterwards and he said he did too. But then I think that also brought on my sudden panic at him leaving. So I can't work out in my head, does all this point towards us still being a good couple and just needing to work through our problems, or does everyone do this after a breakup? I'm so grateful we can be friends but it confuses me!

 

I feel like I can't function. I'm staying with my parents and they want me to get up, go out, eat and so on, but I can barely get out of bed. I'm meant to go back to work on saturday but I don't think I can handle it.

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So you break up with him and no sooner do you break up that you are both still acting like a couple by having laughs, snuggling in bed, having sex etc....yet you call that being friends. You want to get back together with him but he says no and yet you still find yourselves acting like a full-fledged couple. Over time, if you continue this "acting like a couple but not being a couple" it will cause even more confusion and pain. As painful as it will be, I would suggest a complete break from each other with no contact. It is only by going your complete separate ways and living life without the other will both of you be able to put your relationship into better perspective, figure out the problems which plagued the relationship and decide whether you want to work them through and try again. By continuing to be friends and friends with benefits both of you will only be thinking of when you will be getting your next "fix" of feeling loved by the other and that will detract from the real business of reflection and moving on.

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It's normal to have that panic reaction where you feel like you made a mistake and want the person back, and suddenly see/miss all the good things about the relationship. It doesn't change the things about the relationship you weren't happy about or the fact that you felt you were growing apart.

 

What do you think is miraculously going to change if you get back together?

 

Think about how you felt a week ago. What has really changed other than that flash of panic?

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Well, small update.

 

I feel a bit better now. We spoke on the phone this morning. At first it was a bit awkward but then we sort of got the flow back and talked about some everyday stuff.

 

Hope75 - I spose us talking for a start is what has changed. A week ago, we didn't talk, we spent hours in different rooms doing different things and we really took each other for granted. We would sort out our own meals, go out with different friends and we stopped acting so much like a couple as like people who happened to live together.

Now that we're not living together or in that situation, we actually talk, and we actually want to do things together.

 

We're meeting up tomorrow for lunch to discuss some things about the house. I'm fully aware that in a week I might feel we should just be platonic friends but I swear, after talking to him and arranging to meet, the lump in my throat is gone and I can eat again. It was almost like things used to be before we lived together and now I'm wondering if maybe our problem was that we moved in together when we were both at difficult points figuring out what we wanted from life (like career) and when neither of us was grownup enough to deal with having a house together to look after.

 

I guess maybe I'm being foolish and I know this feeling might fade, but I'm really hopeful that some space and some freedom to sort ourselves out while still seeing each other will mean we can rekindle what our relationship should have been like!

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Relationships are about working together to sort out problems. Many people fall into the trap of doing the big breakup and then they panic because they need their fix so they remain in contact with the other person never really healing, never sorting out the issues that caused the breakup. Breaking up and 5 minutes later getting back together is not the answer to a healthy relationship. Just like abortion should not be used as a means of birth control, breaking up should not be used as a means to work out problems. In relationships people should be working out their issues together as a couple who is officially together. Either two people are broken up and go separate ways to sort themselves out...or they don't break up and work on their problems together. Being broken up and yet acting like a couple and talking every day like there is nothing wrong...well, then you may as well be back together.

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now I'm wondering if maybe our problem was that we moved in together when we were both at difficult points figuring out what we wanted from life (like career) and when neither of us was grownup enough to deal with having a house together to look after.

 

When you move in together is when things get serious. Then the value of the relationship for both of you becomes extremely high, and all your issues come out. That's normal. Eventually it reaches a point where you either break up, learn to solve the problems, or accept them and live in a degraded state. This happens no matter who you are with. Sometimes it takes people a few relationships to figure that out. Some people never figure it out.

 

If you want this to work, you both need to get together and go to counseling to learn how to work through these things with each other rather than against each other. You don't have the knowledge to do it by yourselves, and that's normal too.

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