Ex is trying to be my friend...kind of depressing on several levels

[walkingonwater]

Well its been almost 5 months since the breakup. It's been really difficult since finding out she just replaced me with someone new and is doing fine without me. to make matters worse..I found out shes uber happy with him and loves SO much- she's not sure now if she was ever even in love with me! Great. well that really sucked since we were together for 4 years..but iv been getting better and even getting over this for the last while. But its like a thorn in my side all the time and dpresses me when i think about it...

On a positive note, I was able to overcome the thoughts of her with someone else only by thinking of her as sort of ..dead. And I'v kept perfect NC since the day I saw her with the guy.

 

When she tried to contact me on facebook, i didnt reply, and when i accidently saw pics of her and new guy (who posts pictrues of ONLY other people as their PROFILE pic!!?) i deleted my facebook. So i've done everythign i can to help me just forget her.

 

But now shes sending me txt messages and emails. She thinks we can be really good friends! She's also trying to apologize (she lied excessively and to my face throughout the breakup). Its a little sad but she just wants everyone to just be happy like she is, and why cant everyone just join in the fun? or maybe things aren't going so well with new guy now and lets see what old me is up to?

 

Do I: Respond with a short polite answer (sucks cuz i would have to acknowledge her existence)

-Keep NC and just keep ignoring her (but she will keep bothering me with txts and such)

-Meet up for a quick convo, and politely refuse the friends thing.

-Be friends...

 

 

Well, thanks for the advice in advance.

[waveseer]

Take care of yourself first. Others can better tell you how to do that than I can.

[littlestar]

Stick to NC and ignore her, eventually she will get the message you're not interested in responding to her.

[walkingonwater]

Hmm thanks i guess 2 for NC. I guess I should say I feel alittle bit like a bad guy here for not replying anything. She was genuinely nice in her emails, albeit oblivious to any of the things iv had to go through.. and this is why i considered sending her at least a one line " no thanks"

[yumicecream]

DO NOT TALK TO HER. SHE IS PROFITING FROM YOUR PAIN AT THIS POINT. THIS IS A TERRIBLE SITUATION AND YOU'RE LETTING HER WALK ALL OVER YOU. You deserve better. NC NC NC and heal.

[dabbledave]

Politely and coolly inform her that you're not happy with how things ended ... that you need time to heal ... and that you will be in touch when you're ready to be friends.

 

If you do want her back, you could add that you only want to hear from her if she SERIOUSLY wants to reconcile.

[funkymonkey3]

She is actually testing the waters with you. Maybe things aren't so good in her relationship after all?!! It's really funny to me now all the little games that people play trying to act like they're not interested! Tell her your really not all that interested in her friendship right now but be positive like your happy for her. A little dose of reverse psychology will make her go nuts. Then stay nc until you decide what is best for you.

[pushforward]

In my opinion.

 

You said she lied to you constantly. It's over dude. You are no obligated to answer her. Does she deserve an answer?

 

Seems like she wants to rub it in your face. Kick you while you're down. There are a few options, I will list them:

 

1. Stay NC, she doesn't matter. What she feels doesn't matter. What you feel matters. You do not reply, it will set you back in healing. (In my opinion is what is best for you.)(She left, assume it's over and she is never coming back. She wants to use you as an emotional crutch. Hey, let me break your heart. Not care about your needs and tell you how much my life is great. Let me remind you that I left you and hurt you.)

 

2. You politely reply, "Do not contact me, please respect my wishes." (Mature way of telling her to not contact you. Most dumpers do not understand why. They want to keep contacting you or will forget you even said this at all.)

 

3. You tell her straight out that you are hurting and need time to heal. You will contact her when you are okay to be friends. (You telling her that you are still here and a doormat.)

 

4. You tell her to F off, that she is a conniving *****. (Not very mature, will cause you more headaches in the end. Not worth stooping to her level. Not a good way to end things if you want to reconcile in the future.)

 

Either way. 1 seems like the best choice. Allows you to heal. You cannot push her any further away, because you're not doing anything. You can go from NC to LC when you are ready. As of right now, you are in pain. For your best interest, stick to it. Any contact of any sort is just going to set you back. Unless of course you understand that there is no hope. The longer you hold on to hope, the longer you delay healing.

 

I know all of this from experience and reading other people's threads. All in all, do what's best for you. Put your needs first.

[waveseer]

^^^^^^^^ This is one of the best posts I've read here on ena.

[dabbledave]

Actually, I take my advice back and agree with pushforward ... I missed the fact that she lied to you during the break-up.

 

Although pushforward's number 2 option is the one I personally would opt for ... a mature way of doing the same thing as number 1. And a reminder to her of where she stands in the scheme of your life i.e. not worthy of your time.

[testcase]

I wouldn't be friends. IMO it seems like you have little to gain from it and she has everything to gain. That's why she is trying, it's being selfish. I mean things probably aren't perfect in her relationship now, they never are. She has made it known that she is happy tho. She is probably feeling guilty and trying to clear her conscience by seeing you better off without her.

 

Stick to NC you don't need her help or pity.

[QWit]

Trust me buddy, you are not going through this along. Recently, my ex (5 years off and on) made contact me 3 months after the breakup. He told me that he is moving back to my town and he is now dating one of his female friends (homewrecker). I don't know about you, but I am going to continue NC. Look, obviously she is not over you, if she is now trying to make contact. I feel the same with my situation. Don't even think about trying to be friends because she lost that privelege when she dumped you. Keep yourself busy and ignore her. Sometimes you have to let people learn there lessons on their own. The only reason she should contact you is to ask for reconciliation. From there, you can decide what to do.

[walkingonwater]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've ready through them carefully.

 

I dont think she has any devious intentions to hurt me. Most likely she has a guilty conscious, or maybe she is missing something from her new relationship.. either way it doesnt matter to me.

 

I just dont think she gets the situation. She is keeping tabs on me, because we have mutual friends so she knows what I'm up to lately (and she is trying to start conversations about it in the emails). I also have the feeling that pretty soon our mutual friends will be asking me questions on her behalf. I'm not sure NC or even a polite message will work. She just.. doesnt get it. Anyways... NC for now .. and if things get worse we'l deal with it then.

[pushforward]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've ready through them carefully.

 

I dont think she has any devious intentions to hurt me. Most likely she has a guilty conscious, or maybe she is missing something from her new relationship.. either way it doesnt matter to me.

 

I just dont think she gets the situation. She is keeping tabs on me, because we have mutual friends so she knows what I'm up to lately (and she is trying to start conversations about it in the emails). I also have the feeling that pretty soon our mutual friends will be asking me questions on her behalf. I'm not sure NC or even a polite message will work. She just.. doesnt get it. Anyways... NC for now .. and if things get worse we'l deal with it then.

 

Good to hear. Through NC, she will get the point eventually.

 

Regarding the mutual friends, just tell them that you would appreciate if they didn't mention her or ask questions on her behalf. If they really are your friend, they will respect your wishes.

 

Good luck.

[walkingonwater]

Ahhh another txt today. Im beginning to get upset... I dont know where this is coming from I dindnt hear from her for months (once in 3 months) and now 3 in 3 days? It's gonna be hard to keep NC if this goes on... I guess maybe i want to make sure everything's ok?