I need advice on what to tell my girlfriend and her past trauma

[antwaan31]

Ok I made post here a while back stating that my girlfriend of now 8 months had always said no to anything sexual and i never pushed her but wanted to find out why. (im 21 and shes 20 btw). well I couldnt ever get her to talk much about it until tonight. She is a virgin and her last boyfriend that she had for the last 1-2 years of high school started getting annoyed by her wanting to wait to have sex and one day she started to loosen up and maybe let something happen until she realized she still wasnt ready and said no. well he didnt want to take no for an answer and started doing things to her that she didnt want to happen and he was trying to force himself on her then she got away. Well, she says that that past experience has made her terrified of sex and she doesn't know how she will ever get over it. No matter how many times I tell her that I am different and I respect her and that I would never get mad at her if she said no, she keeps thinking that this isn't going to be different even though she's told her friends she wants to get married to me. But, the problem is she doesnt know how she will ever be able to have sex after what happened.

 

What should I do? its not that I'm trying to push her to do it now, its that she has had a problem and I want to help her because it really bothers her to this day.

[Keyman]

I think she needs to book in and talk to a councillor about it. She needs to work through it, open up to it and move on past it. If she doesn't deal with it, she may end up being constantly distant from you and it may make living together in the future difficult.

[waveseer]

I agree with Keyman, she needs professional help.

[antwaan31]

thanks... thats what I was thinking too, but I'm afraid if I said that she would say she's too scared to see/talk to somebody. even though I think a professional would help significantly better than the advice I have to offer her.

[Shadows Light]

thanks... thats what I was thinking too, but I'm afraid if I said that she would say she's too scared to see/talk to somebody. even though I think a professional would help significantly better than the advice I have to offer her.

 

 

Well if she counters the way you think she will. Then ask her if she wants or plans to live this way forever? Does she want to help herself? find some resolution?

 

YOU can't fix her. She's gotta do this on her own. All you can do is be her friend, talk to her, make a suggestion and then... it's all up to her.

[RougeKali823]

My ex bf has similar issues and I suggested therapy and we worked through it together-so maybe you two could do the same thing.

[antwaan31]

yeah so I asked her if she would talk to a professional and she hated the idea...

[srssatellite]

It's a hard thing to help with, unfortunately, but be as encouraging as you can towards her. As others said, she's going to have to be the one that processes it, you can just be there to guide her.

 

Best of luck.

[SusyQ]

I know I had some issues like that in the beginning of my relationship, learning to let go is very very hard when you are scared of being dominated against your will.

 

Just try to be comforting, and don't pressure her if she doesn't like it. Communication is very important for her, make sure she knows she doesn't have to be afraid to tell you to stop. Don't make her feel ashamed of her fear, just try to empathize when she is scared because she probably needs that from you. Above all do not belittle her fears by telling her they are unfounded (even if they are) she needs to know that it is ok to feel her emotions thoroughly (in order to get past them) and that you will listen if she needs to talk.

[Nutz]

If you're young and value sex, move on. She needs help and there's no reason you should be her emotional tampon wrt sex. Maybe after she gets over her issues she'll be a good match for you, but right not she's clearly no match for anyone that is sexually active.