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I've been thinking about this lately so I decided to post it here mainly just to vent and maybe hear from others that have been through the same thing.

 

My ex husband and I lived together for 4 years and got divorced in May 2008. He was the biggest love of my life and even after being together for 4 years I still got butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him. I knew he loved me very much as well. However, we had our issues and he lacked commitment so he asked for divorce in February 2008.

 

I moved out in March and we went NC right then and there (except for 2 times we saw each other to take care of some things that had to be taken care of). I have to say NC was pretty easy for me because I got involved with a rebound guy within a few weeks, moved to a new place and found new great friends. I was having so much fun being independent for the first time in my life that I felt happier than I've ever been in my entire life.

 

In August 2008 (about 3,5 months since I last saw him) I email him on myspace to congratulate him on his college graduation (yes, there was alcohol involved LOL) and honestly didn't expect a response. But he did respond - with 6 emails (also alcohol involved). We started talking again and decided to be FWB. When we started dating again I started thinking that there is a chance we could get back together. I knew we still loved each other (we said it to each other openly) and I knew he would agree to try again if I asked him about it (we talked about it). At first it seemed like he changed a lot (so did I) and we could actually make it work this time.

 

However, after hanging out for a couple of months I started to realize he did not change and the things about him that made me unhappy in the past are still there and would still make me miserable if I did go back together with him. We still hang out and we still enjoy each other's company a lot but I realized for myself that there is no way back for me and that we're indeed over. Even if he asked me back right now I would have to say no I find it so sad when 2 people that love each other very much and get along so good and are so compatible in a lot of ways can't make it work because of some personality flaws It's so sad to realize that you need to listen to your head this time - no matter how loud your heart is screaming Just wanted to vent I guess. Feel free to comment.

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Well at least we can take solace in that while we may have had a special experience with that one person, there is no reason to believe that there are not others out there that we can feel something even more special with. I thought I would never be as in love with someone as my ex, until I met the next ex! Emotions have a way of blinding us to the future, but in reality it is healthy to stay positive by treasuring what we had and acknowledging the great possibilities of the future.

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I agree that a relationship that wasn't meant to be can feel very sad. I spent a fair amount of time feeling the same way. What has been sinking in recently for me is that he had an entirely different experience in the relationship than I did. It wasn't nearly as special or right from his perspective. I'm not saying this is your situation too, I'm just pointing out that there's another truth on the way.

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Well at least we can take solace in that while we may have had a special experience with that one person, there is no reason to believe that there are not others out there that we can feel something even more special with. I thought I would never be as in love with someone as my ex, until I met the next ex! Emotions have a way of blinding us to the future, but in reality it is healthy to stay positive by treasuring what we had and acknowledging the great possibilities of the future.

 

I agree. That's the only thing that cheers me up on days like this. I've a grown woman and have been through a few break-ups so in my head I DO know that everything happens for a reason and that he wasn't the one for me.

 

The romantic me thinks we're meant to be but it's not our time yet. Damn it, sometimes it sucks to be a woman! LOL

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3 1/2 months is not enough time for anyone to change.

What would he need to change to make you happy?

 

Well, one of the biggest problems I used to have with him is that he lied a lot - about small and big things - and he knows he has a problem with that, he admitted to it. And when I confronted him (the truth always came out) he treated me like I'm an idiot and got very passive-aggressive with me making me FEEL like an idiot.

 

His lack of commitment is another thing why I'd be VERY VERY afraid to get back together with him because I would always feel like he'd give up on us next time times get tough. I think it's in his blood - everybody in his family got divorced at least ones - his Mom about 4 times, so he never witnessed commitment.

 

He has a bad temper. Very impatient. Yells and doesn't listen to anybody when he's mad. Thinks he's always right and doesn't even want to give you a benefit of a doubt when something is not clear.

 

Those are probably the biggest flaws he has...

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3 1/2 months is not enough time for anyone to change.

 

I agree with that. When we first split up I had a gut feeling (I have pretty strong psychic abilities) that we'll be together again - years from now, that it wasn't our time yet. But at the time I thought it was just wishful thinking.

 

When we stopped talking I thought I was right - it WAS just wishful thinking.

Now I'm not so sure... This feeling is back again. That we'll be together again - but years from now, not yet. I told him that too and he seems to believe that as well. We're probably just two dumb romantics lol.

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Would he be willing to get some therapy?

 

He wanted to when we first split up. He said he'll go to counseling by himself to fix himself. He found another way to deal with the divorce though - he got into 2 things he's wanted to do for years but didn't have the time. He says it helps him a lot. It doesn't, however, fix his issues at all.

 

If we ever were to get back together I would definitely take it VERY slow and definitely get therapy together and be VERY VERY honest with myself about whether this relationship is good for me or now - regardless of how I feel about him. I am not thinking about it right now though - I just try to be friends with him. We're having so much fun and really enjoying each other - and spend a lot more time together than we did when we were married. Even though we don't live together anymore. And the best part is - we spend time together because we WANT to, not because it's what we're supposed to do.

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Hey it's funny because we say people can't change... but they can they just have to really want to change for themselves. The tough part is he probably doesn't see the lying as a problem but more as a helpful tool, so why would he need to change it? Anger also can be managed and eliminated if seen as a problem.

 

The big thing to me seems the fear of commitment. Sadly I think its becoming a much bigger problem today than it was in the past.

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One thing I really want for both of us right now is I want us to try another relationship. I want us to be with other people to see if maybe there IS somebody better for us, or if we still think we're the best fit for each other. We both had a couple of rebounds but those were rebounds - those don't count for me. He gets jealous of men I meet and I think he'd be crushed if I started dating somebody and actually have feelings for somebody. To be honest - I WANT him to date somebody, I want him to see what else is out there.

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Hey it's funny because we say people can't change... but they can they just have to really want to change for themselves. The tough part is he probably doesn't see the lying as a problem but more as a helpful tool, so why would he need to change it? Anger also can be managed and eliminated if seen as a problem.

 

The big thing to me seems the fear of commitment. Sadly I think its becoming a much bigger problem today than it was in the past.

 

He said he lied because he knew I didn't like him for who he really was and he was 'afraid' of me so he lied to pretend to be a better man for me. We also had a very bad sex life - I always had to beg for sex and he was very reserved when we did have sex. At the end of the marriage we had sex maybe once a week/every 2 weeks. He said it was because I was more like a mother figure than a wife. So it's pretty funny we're FWB now, isn't it LOL We're having GREAT sex now and he can't get enough of me! AND he's willing to do ANYTHING I want no matter how kinky it is. Now THAT I didn't see coming.

 

I know he still lies though. Not just to me - but to his friends as well. I think he lies because he wants to look like a better person. I think deep down he is not really comfortable with himself.

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3 1/2 months is not enough time for anyone to change.

What would he need to change to make you happy?

 

I whole heartedly agree with this. There is no possible way any 2 people will have any long term behavior changes in this short of time. Impossible. I think, in any instace I've read of a marriage reconciling after divorce with success, it's been at least a year and a half to two yrs. after the divorce for the people involved to realize any effective growing up, and sincere change. Plus, you need to recognize on both sides what honestly contributed, otherwise it's doomed to failure, even after said amount of time.

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Plus, you need to recognize on both sides what honestly contributed, otherwise it's doomed to failure, even after said amount of time.

 

I agree with that. We talked a lot about that when we first started talking. We both admitted to the things we did wrong and I think he IS trying to correct certain behaviors now but only after I point it out to him - which is not good enough for me. I want him to SEE what he's doing without me having to point it out to him. I want him to grow up.

 

I think I want us to go through a couple of other relationships to see if we belong together because I want us to practice our new skills on other people - and see what our flaws are with those people to get an even clearer picture of what we need to work on before we get back together - if it even happens. I realize that one of us might meet 'the one' but that's the point - if it's meant to be - it will be. I'm not worried about it. And I told him that.

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I agree with you there -

 

The fact you had to point it out to him, means he wouldn't be ready. Spend time apart - Realize that you two really do value each other...... It's come this far, might as well make the necessary changes, and if it happens, it happens. If he values you, and vice versa, the effort will be made. I'm recently divorced, after a little over a year of separation, and I'm not so sure it would be so healthy right now to consider reconciliation, if it came up. If offered, I'd unfortunately jump all over the chance, but would that really be advisable for me? Probably not. I even told her just before the divorce, that as much as it hurt, I probably wouldn't have changed anything in that last year, because without that shock, I would have continued thinking there was nothing wrong with me beyond the superficial level.

 

So, whether we reconnect, or I find someone else, I will know how not to act, you know?

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I even told her just before the divorce, that as much as it hurt, I probably wouldn't have changed anything in that last year, because without that shock, I would have continued thinking there was nothing wrong with me beyond the superficial level.

 

That is EXACTLY what I keep telling all my friends when they say 'Well, what was he thinking? He asks for divorce and now changed his mind???' . I keep telling everybody - because that IS what I really believe - that without this divorce, even with a separation, things would never change as drastically as they did (at least for me - I learned so much because of this trauma and feel like I aged 20 years). We would have spent years working on things while being miserable and it still wouldn't have worked out. This divorce needed to happen.

We'll see if WE were meant to be or not.

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That is EXACTLY what I keep telling all my friends when they say 'Well, what was he thinking? He asks for divorce and now changed his mind???' . I keep telling everybody - because that IS what I really believe - that without this divorce, even with a separation, things would never change as drastically as they did (at least for me - I learned so much because of this trauma and feel like I aged 20 years). We would have spent years working on things while being miserable and it still wouldn't have worked out. This divorce needed to happen.

We'll see if WE were meant to be or not.

 

The shock of you saying no, is the only thing that will get him thinking long term. Then he will realize, what the hell have I been doing? What the hell have I done? Self reflection will happen as a result, and if he cares for you, he will self reflect........... hard.

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The shock of you saying no, is the only thing that will get him thinking long term. Then he will realize, what the hell have I been doing? What the hell have I done? Self reflection will happen as a result, and if he cares for you, he will self reflect........... hard.

 

I think you're right. A few weeks ago I emailed him (after telling him that I thought he was my true love and that we'll eventually be together again) saying that I was wrong, that it's not him that was the love of my life, but my 'idea' of him, the man I want him to be. I also said I was ready for a relationship and I knew I wouldn't look for anybody else as long as we were still hanging out so it's better for us not to anymore. He freaked out. He came over to my place, drunk, and started talking about how I don't even consider him as a possible candidate... The conversation ended with us hugging each other and saying we missed each other (after not seeing each other for a few days). I think at this point he knows I don't want him back. And I am really proud of myself because I know I really don't, and I'm not just saying it.

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This soon into the game, this is probably exactly how you feel. You being sure at this point is common. It is only time and distance, that will make you, yourself realize that he is, or is not the one for you. I've read of lots of reconciliations happening - But only after time, and where one of, or both ex spouses swore it was over. They both moved on, and realized it was each other that they needed. I will look at it from his side, only because you rejected him the second time around - even though he wanted it, you are the one making him accountable for his decisions ( I was the one left, is why - experience) - This will be hard on him, and for him. Hell, I even have days where all seems hopeless, but in the big scheme of things........ A year or two isn't really that long considering that a marriage is supposed to be for life.

 

You will probably hook up with someone else, and he may as well, and think it's the best thing in the world - But a reconnection could happen, and when it's realized you two fell in love once, unless there was abuse, there will always be that connection. Time will tell all. Then both of you will have grown. Sure, I have hope. I think I always will. I loved her once. I love her still. But we both need to grow up. Whether we reconnect or not? Who knows.

 

But the next relationship may be the best thing ever - your new 'the one' - And maybe it won't. But you will feel it is, I guarantee that.

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But we both need to grow up. Whether we reconnect or not? Who knows.

 

But the next relationship may be the best thing ever - your new 'the one' - And maybe it won't. But you will feel it is, I guarantee that.

 

Exactly. I'm taking it one day at a time and I DON'T have an objective. I am honestly 100 % OK with however it plays out. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So whatever the reason was that he responded to my email back in August - I'm sure there is a meaning and a lesson behind it. As of right now I'm enjoying him along with my single life and I'm not worried about the future - be it with him or with somebody else.

 

I just realized this thread took a whole different turn than I expected

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I'm really not trying to be mean or rude, but it sounds like you are both playing a lot of head games

 

If you truly want him to be with other woman and to move on, then let him have his peace no?

And why tell him you want to date others. That is so hurtful and would only be said to maybe get a rise out of him?! Then he comes over drunk and you end up hugging

It all sounds very drama filled on purpose

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I'm really not trying to be mean or rude, but it sounds like you are both playing a lot of head games

 

If you truly want him to be with other woman and to move on, then let him have his peace no?

And why tell him you want to date others. That is so hurtful and would only be said to maybe get a rise out of him?! Then he comes over drunk and you end up hugging

It all sounds very drama filled on purpose

 

You're not being rude or mean I know that it looks like I'm playing games. But all I'm trying to do is be 100 % honest with him about my feelings and intentions. Right now we're friends - yes, we do have sex but as far as my intentions go we're just friends - so yes, I do want him to meet somebody if that's what he wants and if that what would make him happy. Being FWB was his idea in the first place and I Know that if he was uncomfortable about this arrangement he'd stop seeing me. I told him I wanted a relationship because it's the truth - and because I want to be honest with him, that's all. I don't have any hidden agendas. I think he knows that.

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