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A little Support?


hatinglife

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Okay, folks some of you have already been prviy to my indecision about what I should do between staying with my husband or leaving him for the man I've been seeing for a couple of years. Well I am doing my very best to break up with and cut off all contact with the other man. The emontional pain and stress of trying to plot and plan and figure stuff out is too much. Plus I'm pretty sure the other guy is playing me, trying to make me hold on while he figures out what he wants. My husband is a good man and deserves my attention. I have a major problem now though and that is how to discipline myself into not talking to the other man and also how to hide much of my grief from my husband. I really feel so hurt and sad. I miss the other man like crazy. He has been such a huge and positive part of my life. How do I tell myself that he is no good for me? I've been staring at myself in the mirrior giving myself stern talks and telling myself that I love me and deserve to do better for my own sake. I feel kind of crazy doing that but I don't have anyone else to talk to...I don't know what this forum can do and I don't know if this would be better on the breaking up page but help me with my resolve? I need to make this work!

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No, no kids. That is good, it would terrible to take them through this but I guess focusing on kids in my position would help. Sadly I want children desperately and my husband has always been pretty iffy about them. (Though when I told him I cheated he told me that it is a shame because he was just about to tell me that he was ready to start trying for kids--don't know if that was just a ploy to hurt me or honesty). Anyway it will certainly be a while before I have any children now. Long answer to your short question.

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Take a step out side your self for a moment. Instead of looking in the mirror and telling yourself what to do, pretend one of your best friends has come to you with this issue. What advise would you give her? You know what the answer is and what should be done. I know it's easier said then done but that is what being an adult is all about, making those hard choices.

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Focus on all the good things. Think of how the other man makes you feel. Sure the excitement of an affair made you feel good, but how did HE make you feel. Is he someone you could see yourself with for the long haul?

My guess would be No. If your husband is willing to work it out with you and forgive you for your infedelities that tells me HE is the one you need to focus on and HE is the one you can possibly see yourself with for the long haul.

Getting yourself to quit thinking of the OM will be hard, because it brought something to your life you were missing. But try your best to think ahead.

 

ps I also look myself in the mirror talk, ask questions, sometimes telling myself I am worthless, then I sternly tell myself that I am worth something. Its kinda weird.

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Have you spoken to a therapist yet? It seems to me until you figure out why you thought it was okay to betray your husband you will constantly be in danger of betraying someone else. This is not about your husband or your boyfriend it is about you. You said: "I need to make this work!" You should not need anything, you should want to make it work. It looks like you are still making each man a choice. Please don't do that. Neither of them are a choice although I don't think much of a man that would mess with a married women.

 

Tex is right, step back and decide for you. It should not be an issue of staying away from your boyfriend or being strong, it should be a issue of what got you here and why you chose to do this. Once these are answered you should be able to decide what you want your life to be like. You must do something soon before the good man you married decides for you. See a therapist, there is something deeper going on here.

 

lost

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Goodness folks! Yes I am seeing a therapist and yes I want to be with my husband. That doesn't take away the pain of missing the other man though. I can't just turn it off because I want to (if I could I really would have). I appreciate your words Supa Gurl, I don't think it is that strange to talk to myself in the mirror, it helps me to build up resolve and confidence both of which I need in large doses right now. I apprciate every one else too. I know I shouldn't just stay with my husband just because he is a good man but right now as much as I can feel like I want anything I want to stay. As things calm down for me I certianly plan to keep discerning what is best for myself and for him in this relationship. At this point he wants me to play house with him, act like everything is normal and sleep with him but he doesn't want to go to counseling with me or acknowledge that we as a couple have some things to work on. But I'm being patient because I think he deserves that for a time.

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  • 5 months later...

I have been through an eerily similar situation to yours (happy marriage, can't explain why it happened); please let me know if you want to discuss more. I and the OM ended things and I am happily still with my husband. You can get through this, but I agree, you want to take time to know you are doing what you really want to do. I have been in your shoes - nobody to talk to...because my husband would track what I did over the Internet, plus my friends were so against what I was doing/plus close with my husband, too, that eventually I couldn't even talk to them...so I can give you support!

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I don't think you should stay with your husband just because you think he's a "good man". He deserves someone that is in love with him and will stay faithful. If this isn't you, maybe you should be alone for a while.

I agree with that 100%.

 

The fact that you say you can't switch off your feelings for the other guy and that you're missing him, shows that even if you stayed in your marriage, you wouldn't be giving it your all. Your husband still wouldn't be your number one. It's NOT fair to your husband at all. You may have convinced him that you want to stay with him, but how can you make it work when you are longing for another man?

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Take it from someone in almost the exact situation. There is truth to the statement that time heals all wounds, it truly does. I was flippin head over heals for the man I left my husband for, and I can tell you after almost 4 months now of no contact, my feelings for him have diminished greatly.

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