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"I want a working wife"


LAYAAN
Happy In an Unhappy Marriage
Happy In an Unhappy Marriage

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(I've posted about a similar question in dating section few months ago. )

I'm expected to go see this man. (I'm talking to this man through south Asian arranged marriage system. Not trying to focus on culture here (heck every Indian man wants a working wife) just trying to provide extra info if it helps you understand the post better).

I am a highly educated woman. I am still going to school and I do intend to work after marriage. But I want a man to step up and support his family if for some reason the wife can't/doesn't want to work later on. I really don't want to be put on a treadmill like this, pressurised to work no matter what. I want a man who respects my wish if I want to work part time/full time or just volunteering. I want him to support his wife and a kid in such times.

Am I talking with a man not suitable for me then? Should I ask him (before meeting) to elaborate on that statement? What should I do to know where this man stands in that area? How can I tactfully get him to speak his mind on that? Also, please tell me if I'm panicking for no reason. Please tell me if I am being unrealistic expecting a man to provide for his family if the wife makes no income?

BeStrongBehappy and Batya's response appreciated. Others can respond as well. More responeses is always welcome.

Thank you.

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Well, you didn't mention my name here specifically but I will give you my take on it anyway. I am not from the same culture as you are apparently, so maybe this is not as applicable, but i think that is an incredibly poor way of looking at a man to date and marry. I am for equality of sexes, not just when it is convenient for a woman to cry equality. So that being said i would think that if you would be turned off to a man who wanted to at his whim take time off and not work, and be supported by you, then it would be a stretch to expect it from a man.

 

I find it incredibly unfair, and even selfish. Lord knows i would love to not have to work, but in the state of affairs this world is in right now with economical woes this is just not very realistic. I have some friends who have wives who refuse to work and the guys are not happy about it. They tolerate it, but they always sAy behind her back "i wish she would get a darn job". Granted they should own up and tell her directly, but they fear the backlash. It's their own fault, but i can't blame them for envying two income households where they might not have to put in as many hours and actually have time to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

 

Now if you two have children and both agree that you will be a stay at home mom, that's a little different - even tho MANY moms are working now, not by choice but by necessity.

 

If this were a regular dating situation i would say no way, do not bring this up early on. But if this is an arranged marriage and this is what you want (not working) then maybe you should bring it up to get his reaction. who knows maybe he will be ok with it, but if he isn't that does not make him unreasonable at all.

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If you want the choices that go with traditional roles, find a conservative religious man who follows those. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If this man expects you to take care of him, ha, he should think again.

 

What a twisted mindset. If a woman has no kids why should she be allowed not to work but for the man "ha think again"?

 

So much for fairness.

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i would ask him for more clarification. he could just mean he doesn't want to support a woman who sits around all day and eats bon bons and gets her nails done.

 

i'd ask him to clarify in the context of 1 - taking time off to raise children, and 2 - working part time, assuming that you are financially stable.

 

(of course, these could also be better questions for the 3rd date).

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I love to work personally.It is good for me because it provides ME with a purpose in life. I love getting up everyday having a career I am proud of. I know I would also go crazy sitting at home cleaning the house and eating bon bons.lol

Seriously, why would you want to not work? Just because you would have the luxury of not working if you didn;t want to? or just because you would rather be home to raise the children?

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You should definitely dig harder on this subject with him before you consider marrying him or whatever would be going on- especially if this is so important to you.

 

But really take this warning- it is not up to a man alone to support a wife and children. It would be your responsibility to take care of your family, as well as it is his.

 

The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Benetts is a life changing book. Read it if you get the time.

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Are we talking taking a year off (aka maternity leave) with the kids? or are we talking "oh I randomly don't feel like working anymore, please pay my way."

taking time (may turn out to be more than a year) off to raise kids. Not randomly quit job and sit home and get bigger in size. But do some volunteering/charity work, pursue my hobbies. Its not just about earning money but how long am I gonna run like this? Earn a degree, then keep earning money for mortgage payment, then earn some more for retirement, then some more for kids, then some more to send kids to medical school. I want this treadmill to stop. I want to live life not just earn money and die one day.

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isn't it the feminine mystique ????

 

Yes, but there is an updated book called the Feminine Mistake! But you know what, Betty Friedan may not have penned that one... I will check.

 

It's an amazing book. It kind of goes back on what the Feminine Mystique says and gives a really realistic look at the difference between working and non-working women.

 

EDIT: It was written by Leslie Benetts. Sorry for the mix up.

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Thank you everyone for your quick replies.

Thank you JadedStar for your reply. From your reply, looks like you must be a man. I see what you say about a double income family though and I can't deny that. Don't misunderstand me, I do want to work. But I want a man who says don't worry about money. I can and will provide. (He need not provide a BMW, but he can provide a decent used car, right?)

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Yes, but there is an updated book called the Feminine Mistake! But you know what, Betty Friedan may not have penned that one... I will check.

 

It's an amazing book. It kind of goes back on what the Feminine Mystique says and gives a really realistic look at the difference between working and non-working women.

 

EDIT: It was written by Leslie Benetts. Sorry for the mix up.

Thank you. I'll certainly try to get and read this book. I like reading books.

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So the idea is ya find this guy that stays on the treadmill of life - the one you don't want to be on right? So he stays there 24/7 and then you can step off and pursue your hobbies, whether they be snorkling, fishing, making those little rubber band wind up airplanes, or harassing the women at the make-up counter at Bloomingdales. My only question is: Why would a sane man do this? Exactly what's in it for him?

 

Honey, we all want off the treadmill. But finding a man to run in your place is not exactly a selfless solution.

 

I don't think she's being necessarily selfish. I mean, I believe one hundred percent in giving in a relationship and I do my absolute best to keep my partner happy. Thing is, this guy demanded that he want a working woman, and thats what I find offensive.

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I don't see anything wrong with it as long as both partners are clear about their wants and expectations in a marriage.

I would find it a weird topic normally but since it is specifically directed to an arranged marriage, I can see why it would come up.

I would assume most men would not have an issue with you taking off a year or two just for raising kids, but taking several years off for volunteering or non-income bringing activities (other than school) might be viewed a lot differently.

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I think you need to discuss that expectation and communicate it with the men you are dating. In the American population at large I would think your view/wish would be fairly unpopular, but I think you will likely have better luck finding a man who can provide what you what on these cultural sites.

 

A man who says he wants a working wife does not sound like a good fit for you.

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So the idea is ya find this guy that stays on the treadmill of life - the one you don't want to be on right? So he stays there 24/7 and then you can step off and pursue your hobbies, whether they be snorkling, fishing, making those little rubber band wind up airplanes, or harassing the women at the make-up counter at Bloomingdales. My only question is: Why would a sane man do this? Exactly what's in it for him?

 

Honey, we all want off the treadmill. But finding a man to run in your place is not exactly a selfless solution.

 

I'm with you, Doc. It's not fair to the man to expect him to put up with the BS of the average workplace and never get to pursue his own dreams. My own BF divorced his first wife for EXACTLY that reason. He is with me because he knows I pull my own weight, and don't ask for anything I could not provide for myself with my own income. (ie, if he lost his job, short of some belt tightening, our life can continue)

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Thank you everyone for your quick replies.

Thank you JadedStar for your reply. From your reply, looks like you must be a man. I see what you say about a double income family though and I can't deny that. Don't misunderstand me, I do want to work. But I want a man who says don't worry about money. I can and will provide. (He need not provide a BMW, but he can provide a decent used car, right?)

 

Jadedstar is a female. So what are you going to do at home if you don't work?

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taking time (may turn out to be more than a year) off to raise kids. Not randomly quit job and sit home and get bigger in size. But do some volunteering/charity work, pursue my hobbies. Its not just about earning money but how long am I gonna run like this? Earn a degree, then keep earning money for mortgage payment, then earn some more for retirement, then some more for kids, then some more to send kids to medical school. I want this treadmill to stop. I want to live life not just earn money and die one day.
That's fine - many people don't want to be on a treadmill - but they dont expect other people do have to do twice the work on the treadmill to support them so they don't have to. Unless they have a slave but there are few countries that allow that these days.

 

The idea that you can expect some man to work so that you can pursue your hobbies is quite interesting.

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I'm with you, Doc. It's not fair to the man to expect him to put up with the BS of the average workplace and never get to pursue his own dreams. My own BF divorced his first wife for EXACTLY that reason. He is with me because he knows I pull my own weight, and don't ask for anything I could not provide for myself with my own income. (ie, if he lost his job, short of some belt tightening, our life can continue)

 

I dont' think that divorce is something to be congratulated for any reason except if abuse was taking place. In any case, laziness is never a good thing.

 

 

Wouldn't you demand that your man work? I think that would be a reasonable expectation for you to have - wouldn't judge you for it.

 

 

 

Partnership is what it's all about. Two crusaders on two horses, headed for the horizon. Not one tired ass horse dragging one crusader and one lump draped over the ass end, passed out and droolin.

 

A woman who wants to stay at home isn't necessarily lazy. She might be traditional...she might want to have children and be a good mother for her children, which is a lot of work. My Mother was somewhat untraditional, she was the main breadwinner in the family. But there is something slimily golddiggerish about a man who demands that he have a 'working wife'.

 

I think tinu will be miserable and trapped with this man. I think she should fund herself independently and since she is highly educated, not allow him to take advantage of her. If she wants a traditional set up, she deserves one.

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But that is predicated on what she wants. Why is he not allowed to state what he wants without being accused of being a gold-digger?

 

I don't think it is right for people to claim tradition to get what they want. Many traditions have changed over the years and now it is acceptable for women to choose what they want but I think they should accept the right of a man to choose what he wants as well. And if those wants aren't compatible then they either compromise or don't become partners. But no one has a right to demand that a partner does what they want and hold them in contempt if they won't go along with it.

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