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Update on "Friends turning into lovers"


mca1975

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5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – ...
5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – Spotting A True Friend

Hi all, you may remember my last few posts appertaining to the fact that my best male friend and I are extremely close and what this means.

 

He has already established for some time now that he wants us to be partners, but I have been not so sure.

 

Even though the sexual/physical attraction is not strong, I am finding myself "feeling" quite deeply for him. In fact, this weekend just gone, I agreed, or almost suggested!, that we go out together, alone, for a drink, at which event we had a GREAT night together! The build-up to the meet was immense, and I worked myself up, I was so nervous and was in tears. But being out together felt very nice. We even slept in the same bed, but no funny business. I so wanted to cuddle up to him but I felt like a petrified piece of wood.

 

I dont want to feel like this about someone. It is really scaring me and I am trying my best to fight against it, but I keep getting so upset with myself....

 

I didnt hear from him yesterday and someone said something that made me feel like he was going to "give up", and it really upset me. I feel jealousy about him too.

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just a simple request. because i have JUST gone through most of what you have described in this thread as well as the earlier threads. please do not do this. if you are not interested, at least don't go out with him alone or cuddle or sleep in the same bed. even though he puts on a very strong outer appearance, i did too, to show that it's not affecting him in anyway, i promise you it does.

 

he might end up on here everyday like i have trying to find some relief.

 

this is in no way to make you feel bad. i am just speaking on what i have been through and how i feel each day. every morning i wake up with her on my mind and then realize nothing is going to happen. my mornings are miserable. i keep looking at the phone hoping that it would glow with her usual smses. upbeat times are good, but down times have been twice as worse.

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I am confused about how you willingly fall into bed with unavailable guys, but this guy you are holding back on. You need to either REALLY date him (and sleep with him to see if you're compatible or not), or accept that you're just friends and don't dally around.

 

Sometimes you need to get those sexual urges going (with sex) to see whether it will work, or you just overthink this. If you genuinely find him sexually repulsive though, don't bother.

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You need to either REALLY date him (and sleep with him to see if you're compatible or not), or accept that you're just friends and don't dally around.

 

 

i fail to understand how sleeping with someone once or even two or three times will decide whether they are sexually compatible or not?

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I'm not sure what you posted in other threads, but do you want to be with him or do you think you should be with him?

 

There are two distinctions...sometimes wanting something to work even if you're not in it 100% is a bad thing.

 

Personally, I wanted it to work with my old best guy friend. We had a minor history of random drunken kisses, but all in all, fun times together and years of friendship. When we finally tried to let it progress (since he cared about me and I really did care about him) it flopped. Sometimes friends are better left friends and people you care about, you care about in the type of relationship you have with them, nothing more or less.

 

It's hard to distinguish it sometimes...but figure it out. If you really care about him but don't really want to be with him because it doesn't feel 100%, then don't do it. Stop sleeping in the same bed with him and slowly ease away to what your friendship was. Don't let it progress to the point to where you can't get what bonded you in the first place, back.

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I am confused about how you willingly fall into bed with unavailable guys, but this guy you are holding back on. You need to either REALLY date him (and sleep with him to see if you're compatible or not), or accept that you're just friends and don't dally around.

 

Sometimes you need to get those sexual urges going (with sex) to see whether it will work, or you just overthink this. If you genuinely find him sexually repulsive though, don't bother.

 

Could be a bad idea.

 

Sometimes caring for someone a lot can confuse you, when that intimacy that should not be sexual, turns sexual. Just because you have sex doesn't change the fact that you're good for each other or not. Frankly, if you're not sure, sex will not clarify anything at all.

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Could be a bad idea.

 

Sometimes caring for someone a lot can confuse you, when that intimacy that should not be sexual, turns sexual. Just because you have sex doesn't change the fact that you're good for each other or not. Frankly, if you're not sure, sex will not clarify anything at all.

 

i agree...

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Yes exactly, why do I fall into bed easily with unavailable guys? My thoughts exactly. Because its easy I guess, there are no feelings involved, no risk of any commitment, even tho I fight to obtain it from them, I know deep down that I will never get it. Smacks completely of a commitment problem on my part.

 

I wanted to post another thread but it wont let me, but I have always been the same. If someone really likes me, it freaks me out and makes me get an ugly feeling inside me that is filled with dread and panic. I prefer them to not be that into me and I find the struggle to make them want me more normal than anything else. How am I ever going to break free of this. This guy does really like me, and cares, this is what is scaring me. I dont find him sexually repulsive at all, but granted, he is not my usual type. Its his personality I love the most.

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MCA,

 

If you keep trying to protect yourself, you won't get hurt- But you won't get loved either.

Love is a chance, a gamble and unfortunately, we never know how it will go until we've already made the leap of faith.

 

That being said- It's very simple- Do you see yourself having a romantic relationship or not ?

I'm not just talking about going out and having fun, because friends can do that. And I'm not just talking about sex either.

Can you see going over to each other's place for holidays with their family ?

Can you picture paying bills together, running errands together, taking care of the unpleasantness in life together ?

At lot of people believe that just because they are compatible as friends it means they would be compatible as lover/SO's- and this is NOT always true.

In fact, despite what a lot of movies, tv shows say, I find this is usually not the case. All I would say is make sure you want a real relationship before starting something that may ruin a solid friendship. And don't do it if your whole heart is not in it.

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Yes, I can imagine us doing all this together, and it feels great in my mind. But I cannot rid myself of this ugly feeling inside that I get when I feel it is turning into a reality. This is something I may have to give up on, as I refuse to hurt him if I cannot overcome this.

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I am not leading him on, I care about him immensly, that is why at the times when I feel like going for it, I do not, mostly for that reason. I have been very careful not to make ANY promises to him and have been totally honest with him. When I stay over his, I go top and tail for instance, but I want to stay there with him, tho this has only happened a few times over the course of a year.

 

I am as confused as ever and not hurting him as my top priority in this.

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I know.

 

I've been in your situation a few months back.

 

I personally believe though, that if you don't want to be with him right off the bat, that if you're having conflicting feelings and are unsure...well, then it isn't right.

 

The thing is you need to realize this before you get in too deep. As in stop trying at ALL and try to get your friendship back. It's not fair to him or yourself. Don't push yourself to mold into something that isn't working just because you're giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

And even if you don't want to lose that intimacy you have, you need to realize that your friendship has already gotten complicated and it's unlikely to improve unless you give it some air. But it can quickly get worse if you continue this just because you're not willing to give him up.

 

Again, just talking from personal experience.

 

I slept with him...I thought it would be right...and it wasn't bad. But it was not right for me... I should have just sucked it up and realized that I needed him out of a weakness and I was too selfish to let it stop because I craved his attention and affection more than I craved HIM.

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Balbina, I see what you are saying. I used to think that was why I was "considering it" (for the attention thing), but I have other attention (albeit not good attention) and I really don't feel that I could do anything with anyone else at the moment as I am too busy thinking about him. I am fast realising that he is so good for me and true to me and that I would be a fool to let that go. At the same time as saying that, we get on so well and have many other interests in common, plus I care about him.

 

I am very confused, but I am going to be so sure if and when I decide to go for it as that would be only fair to both of us. If this involves more time, and even losing him to someone else, then so be it.

 

I just cant get over this ugly feeling inside, it's just awful. I can go for a guy who is sexy and good looking but who is a complete bast*rd and get my kicks that way, but I cant go for a guy who cares about me and loves me but who is not that sexy.... its madness and its frustrating.

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The thing is you recognize your wrongs. It's one thing to recognize a mistake and an entirely different thing to keep repeating it.

 

Do you think you'll repeat the same mistakes? Or that your weakness for sexy jerks is going to get in the way of your happiness with your friend?

 

Are you still emotionally attached to someone else??

 

I do wish you all the best and I hope it works out for the best, even if it means that trying to get with your friend does nothing but reinforce your positive dating choices for the future.

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I like the way you recognize these traits in yourself, but I'd have to say that they can be pretty universal, especially when it comes to people who have been through it all before. We tend to sabotage relationships we imagine would work out. We find excuses even if there really aren't any.

 

Conversely, we adore impossible relationships, be they long distance, emotionally unavailable, or just plain old "no way bub". This lends us the ultimate freedom of knowing that we'll never have to remain committed for very long if we don't want to be.

 

As for your friend, anything is possible. I had a close female friend for a year, and we started getting a little bit closer and then.... bam..... we got drunk and slept together. It lasted a decade, and I wouldn't undo it for anything. We fell madly in love, and it worked long term. We told each other that we loved each other right off, and the chemistry, although I couldn't see it before we slept together, ended up being off the charts.

 

However, I've also had a close female friend who I started getting much closer with, and we kissed a few times, and it obviously could have went much further, but I just didn't want to go there. Strangely, it wasn't her looks or her personality. She was gorgeous, funny, engaging... just a great gal all the way around. However, I was just missing "it", whatever that "it" is, and it never materialized.

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I do recognise my wrongs, there are plenty of women out there who are not "bright" enough to realise what they are doing and why, or have not taken the time to think about it. My aim is to "change" my choices and that involves making a positive effort to go for men who I do not usually go for, ie. NICE ONES! My friend fits into this category and I believe he could make me very happy, whether I would make him happy tho is another matter.

 

I am not sure if my weakness for sexy jerks will get in the way in future.... but I do know that I am totally loyal to someone when I am with them though and would never hurt them intentionally.

 

I am not feeling attached to anyone else, tho I have just finished a stupid liaison with "said sexy jerk" a few months ago, during which my said friend was my shoulder to cry on. However, I did see this "jerk" at the weekend, but apart from some anxiousness, I did not feel anything and did not fall for his usual "offer" - because I told myself that this is no good for me anymore, even though I still fancied him. I feel proud of that.

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That is a fascinating story Jettison, I feel such emotion when I even imagine us hugging, I feel that I would cry with joy and we have already told each other we love each other in a way.

 

I am just scared of "changing" it.

 

But I must be sure that its not just the 'getting attention from a male' thing.

 

Whatever is meant for us wont pass us I suppose.

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>>Yes exactly, why do I fall into bed easily with unavailable guys? My thoughts exactly. Because its easy I guess, there are no feelings involved, no risk of any commitment, even tho I fight to obtain it from them, I know deep down that I will never get it. Smacks completely of a commitment problem on my part.

 

Ok, then this is what you should be talking to him about. Let him know what is going on inside you. It sounds like he is really crazy about you, but is taking your anxiety as a sign you don't really want him that much. If he's a longtime friend and knows you have no trouble having sex with others, your reticence with him may be really confusing him and making him feel rejected.

 

Perhaps he will work with you on intimacy issues with you if you are also seeing a counselor yourself to understand why this impacts you. Perhaps he is really a healthy choice for you, and you don't want to let this opportunity to form a healthy relationship get lost in your fears.

 

And no one knows going into a relationship that it will or won't work. You could find enduring true love with him, and shouldn't avoid taking a chance unless you are sure it won't work.

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BSBH, thanks. In fact, I felt overwhelmed with emotion about it last night,and I called him and told him EVERYTHING! he was understanding and I was totally honest, he made me feel calm and said that there was no pressure and maybe we could just remain as we are, as friends, but just spend more time alone and see what happens... what a lovely understanding guy. I have never met a guy who was so understanding of me.

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As someone that has gone through this I second each and every word of Perfection.

 

Please please do not tease that poor guy like this. Either you want to be in a relationship with him or not. Either you feel the sexual attraction or not. It is very unfair to take a stance in the grey area. Please make things black OR white.

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