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Confused and a little scared


Applewhite

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My boyfriend just started a conversation out of the blue, and told me he is settled now, and doesn't want to change anything. He told me he doesn't want to hold me back.

 

I said I was confused and didn't know how I felt about the things he was mentioning and not to talk about any of it unless it becomes relevant. I am not sure I am as neutral as I made that sound. (And I admitted this to him too).

 

I asked him:

 

basically as i understand it, you are telling me you don't want to move, you don't want to have kids, you don't want to get married. did i get all that?

 

he replied:

 

at this moment in time... yes

 

not to say id never change my mind about 1 or all of those, i have before-- i just figured i should let you know where im at now- so theres no surprises later.

 

 

I just feel rather sad. And wanted to share it with you.

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How do you feel about this? Do you want to get married in the near future? It sounds like he may never want to get married or have children. It sounds like he is being really up front with you. I fear that if you stay hoping he will change his mind, it's a huge risk. But it might be worth the risk. It's a tough decision.

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How do you feel about this? Do you want to get married in the near future? It sounds like he may never want to get married or have children. It sounds like he is being really up front with you. I fear that if you stay hoping he will change his mind, it's a huge risk. But it might be worth the risk. It's a tough decision.

 

Should I tell him that I might want to get married and if he is sure he doesn't I don't want to be with him? It is too early for this. It is not like I want to get married tomorrow. But you are right. What if he never wants to get married? It is so wonderful now, we are both so happy. I am meeting his family soon. I am the first girl he's ever introduced to them.

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It doesn't sound like you have known him that long. Why did he suddenly start this conversation and lay it out there like that. If you continue to see him he could change his mind over time...however, he seems to have ruled you out as a permanent fixture in his life. You may be great for right now, for having a few laughs and then going your separate ways once he is ready to find woman to settle down with. He is making his intentions with you very clear and now he is leaving it up to you whether or not to continue this relationship. Do you want to get your heart really invested in him after he has said all that to you?

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It doesn't sound like you have known him that long. Why did he suddenly start this conversation and lay it out there like that. If you continue to see him he could change his mind over time...however, he seems to have ruled you out as a permanent fixture in his life. You may be great for right now, for having a few laughs and then going your separate ways once he is ready to find woman to settle down with. He is making his intentions with you very clear and now he is leaving it up to you whether or not to continue this relationship. Do you want to get your heart really invested in him after he has said all that to you?

 

You might be right and you might be wrong. I have some thinking to do. But my heart is breaking at that thought.

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I am thinking about talking to him. Explaining that I was not waiting for a proposal tomorrow, but that I wasn't waiting for the opposite of it either. And if he truly feels this why, I either want out or an open relationship. I do not want to get hurt. Is this a rash decision?

 

He is a genuinely nice guy. And I thought he was serious and not playing. It still feels that way. But now this...

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I don't think it's rash. I think he's been honest about how he feels and you should probably respond with honesty about how you feel. I would give it some more thought, time, let it sink in and then talk to him and try to be as unemotional about it as possible so that you can get your thoughts accross effectively.

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Some people suggested (through PMs) that I should wait a couple of days, go no contact and have 'the talk' when I am ready. He was expecting me tonight. Do I just send a text around the time he is expecting me saying; I will talk when I am ready and I will not be over tonight?

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I don't understand cancelling tonights plans....

 

You definitely need some clarification. Seems as though he somewhat contradicted himself with "I am happy at this point and with how things are" and then to say that he could change one or all of them in the future...? I'm confused!

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I just wrote to him :

 

Don't expect me tonight. I don't know when/if I will be ready to talk.

 

He said:

 

I really wish you weren't acting like this - would talk to me and tell me whats wrong. You know where to find me when youre ready. I still love you.

 

 

Tell him what's wrong? Is he serious?

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I just wrote to him :

 

Don't expect me tonight. I don't know when/if I will be ready to talk.

 

He said:

 

I really wish you weren't acting like this - would talk to me and tell me whats wrong. You know where to find me when youre ready. I still love you.

 

 

Tell him what's wrong? Is he serious?

 

why not meet up and have a heart to heart and see where both of your heads are at?

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If we talk now, then I just feel like packing up my things, giving him back his key and presents and walking out. I will most probably make a dramatic exit if we talk now. I can't stand the idea of being with someone who just told me: By the way I WON'T marry you, I hope you are aware of that.

 

All his I love you's and you are my girl crap doesn't matter at this point. How could he have said this to me? How could he want me to be monogamous and be his girl and then say this? I'm too angry and emotional.

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^^ You think you'll feel or act differently if you wait a couple days to talk?

 

By all means Hike, you have said nothing but good things about him for a long time.

 

Couldn't this be as simple as the following scenario?

 

He mentions that you are meeting his family to a friend. The friend says "ooohhhh - she's going to be thinking marriage and SOON!" He begins to worry a little thinking that maybe you are thinking that. So he tries to clarify that he's happy the way things are right now...?

 

I mean really - I'm not getting that by his comments he will never want to get married..?

 

But I think that calm communication is necessary rather than bottling up the thoughts and feelings for a few days. What will change by waiting a few days?

 

Hugs to you btw~

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^^ You think you'll feel or act differently if you wait a couple days to talk?

 

By all means Hike, you have said nothing but good things about him for a long time.

 

Couldn't this be as simple as the following scenario?

 

He mentions that you are meeting his family to a friend. The friend says "ooohhhh - she's going to be thinking marriage and SOON!" He begins to worry a little thinking that maybe you are thinking that. So he tries to clarify that he's happy the way things are right now...?

 

I mean really - I'm not getting that by his comments he will never want to get married..?

 

But I think that calm communication is necessary rather than bottling up the thoughts and feelings for a few days. What will change by waiting a few days?

 

Hugs to you btw~

 

Thank you. You are really nice, and what you wrote really helps me feel better. He truly is a great guy. He's very thoughtful, he's very kind. But this just struck me very hard. Several weeks ago, we went to a wedding. His friend Laurie was getting married to a man that wasn't nice to her (or to anyone for that matter) and was twice her age. He kind of made it seem like she was desperate and wanted to just get married. Laurie had been engaged to someone else for about 9 years. And he didn't marry her. And in the end she felt like she had just wasted time with him.

 

I told you this story because some time after the wedding, he told me he didn't want me to feel like Laurie. When I asked him what he meant, he just repeated himself. So I didn't push it.

 

And I think it's relevant to add that I have never mentioned marriage or anything. And he was the one that was insistent on me meeting his family. I have been putting it off for a while now, and he kind of imposed it on me.

 

I think CAD has a point, he is making clear that he doesn't want marriage, so I shouldn't expect anything. Don't you agree?

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He didn't ANSWER anything. Because I didn't ASK anything. He just suddenly told me; by the way I don't want to change anything. I am settled now. You are young, you may want things. You may want kids, marriage. I don't want to hold you back.

 

He wasn't simply telling me he doesn't want marriage RIGHT NOW. He meant it in a more general way I think. The way I understand it it is most likely he will want it to remain this way. Hurt aside this makes me angry. I don't want to wait for him to 'maybe' change his mind. I don't like the idea that he made us get into a committed relationship and now he drops this bomb. Why then am I not dating other people? Why then does he call me his girl, repeat he loves me and keep saying he's so happy? If he wants nothng to do with me in the end???

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Trying to follow here...

 

Isn't it true that he could be worrying that "you" are settling for him rather than meaning that he doesn't want you to waste your time?

 

I see what Cad is saying. But - I also see that you and your guy seem to be a good fit and seem to be creating and taking your time at creating a future together.

 

I understand your pain and maybe I'm missing something. But - I have much experience at hearing something and blowing it out of proportion. You don't wanna do that, Hike..... Trust me. I don't feel confident that he was trying to tell you that you should never expect marriage or kids with him. I feel like more communication is needed....

 

You mentioned that you HAVE to move in 2-3 years. Care to elaborate? Maybe he won't be ready in that time frame and he's worried that he'll disappoint you?

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In 2-3 years, because of my visa I will have to leave the states. There is possibility I can change that but it is slim. I was trying to plan my future around him and he knows this. Worst case I considered finding a job in Canada, so at least I can be close. I can move back eventually, but it might take 2 years or more (this is a complicated issue).

 

I was not expecting a proposal in 2 years. But I don't like the idea of being commited to someone who has anti-proposed to me. Oh by the way I am NOT marrying you, we are straight on that, right?

 

I don't know what the h*ll he is saying. He keeps repeating he loves me. At this point it is losing it's meaning. I am so crushed. I can't tell you how broken I feel.

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