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Should I believehis excuses or he just doesnt want to commit?


Buttterfly

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HOw do you deal with being in a relationship where you don't see eachother very much? My boyfriend works at night and on top of that he has other commitments. We do love and miss eachother but there is nothing we can do now about this lack of time together.I love him but I have become very lonely and frustrated. that isn't helped by the fact that he finds it hard to sit down and actually discuss the situation ( well he is so extra busy anyway).

Took im 2 years to introduce him to his mum - because, allegedly, she didnt agree with us.

We moved in together but he still sleeps at his mums and 'visits' me.

I have spoken to his mum against his will, her story is diffrent than his. He got pissed off wit me cos I went over his word and disctated a small break in our relationship. I know he hasnt got anyone else becasue he is so busy. Being on this break from him I dont even have right to reply and discuss why his story and his mum's don't match.

 

He is taking extra hours as much as he can because of this credit crunch.We have been in this situation for one year. I amvery lonely and I miss him very much and somethimes I just can't handle my frustration. Is any of you in a similar situation? Should I leave this guy and find someone who is more available? OR should I hang on for him in the hope that soon enough we will talk and find a solution? SHuld I be smart here and cut my losses?

I proposed so many times to sit downand discuss this whole thing . Before he used to avoid/delay it. Now, since we are on a break , his answer is that he will do it when he wants to, not when I snap my fingers.. Because he feels controlled by me.... Is this a dead end?

Is this man not up tp commiting to me and using lots of excuses to string me along?

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Thank yo for your reply.. Problem is ihave been waiting for one year believing he is theone.. but now i see he isnt able to bring himself to have a serious discussion to me about what the hell is going on. He does have other commitments ( a severely disabled brother that is cared for by his single mumand him). But int he past he used to tell me things will change, he will eventually move in with me. HOwever now things have changed for the worse and he is still at his mum's. But he doesnt want to go into details to me, thats fine, i understand that, just that i feel i deserve more consideration after waiting sitting like a duck on the side for one year.. it's got to the poin tnow when he tells me if i dont like this situation im free to go. I think he is using his situation as an excuse not to commit... I mean he isnt willing ot sit down and talk... and there are ways around things.. we could solve this together and that would make our relationship stronger.. i feel so excluded and he knows this.. Maybe he just discarded me.

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It seems to me like he was to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants everything. But it takes TWO to make a relationship work. Right now, there is just one. You. If he can't talk to you about things, then it's not important to him. I don't know if there is another girl, but at the time it doesn't seem to matter. You have been waiting for a year, and that's too long to be waiting for someone when they aren't trying. It will hurt, but I would move on if it was me. Sometimes it has nothing to do with feels when people break up, it's the circumstances that tear you apart.

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from what ive gathered, his lack of effort really doesnt speak well for his character.

if he just wont try and make things work for the both of you, something drastic needs to be done.

good luck, i hope he starts to see things how they really are and starts to work it out.

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ahh goshhh.. i am so angry i have allowed to be treated like this... I think i willgo but I cannot do it just yet. we are renting a flat together but in an inspired moment last week i hand out the move out notice to my landlord without my bf knowing ( onyl my name is on the rental contract and he pays me his share cash). I dont want to splt up now now because he might not give me the remaining rent. but in january 09 i am out of our place.. I wont even tell him.. let him ring the buzzer and have someone else answer the door... and I feel angry and like i want to revenge. I think i will be taking his rent until he figures our we actually are not renting a place together anymore. That would be fair, i think.. if he was interested in me he would know when our flat is no longere our flat. but if he doesnt figure it out, ill take his rent until he figures it out. I feel so embittered, offended, hurt, insulted, and most of all angry at myself for allowing this man to string me along.

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everytime i waned ou the told he to hang on to have faith in us . and that kept me there. even today i texted him, shoul di still have faith in us or move on and he texted back that he loves me and wants to have children with me and yes to keep strong and positive. but we can not talk abou twhat where when . i think moments like this really led me on.. now i see it for what it is..

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People do have commitments, but there are ways to have a relationship and deal with life.

 

I could understand if he needed to go to help with his brother everyday, but he could come back home and spend time when he is not caring for his brother with you.

 

But if he is telling a different story than his own mother, then i suspect he just doesn't want to live with you. Perhaps he likes an occasional girlfriend, not a steady live in girlfriend. And he should be willing and able to talk about the future and make concrete plans as to when he wants to get serious and get married etc.

 

So I think he just isn't serious about you, but is making excuses to keep you around as his girlfriend. If he won't even talk about real plans rather than just nebulous promises, then he is not serious about moving forward with you.

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His name isn't on the rental contract? Wow.

 

I can understand your anger right now...but think it through...before doing something you may regret later.

 

I'm talking about withholding the information about apartment and how you have taken up with the landlord that you are wanting out of it.

 

I do think, given his actions, his words have been more commitment orientated than his actions. Not signing on the rental was a big sign. Not wanting to talk about all this and figure out a way that works so that the two of you can move forward, that is too.

 

His intent may not be malicious at all, but he doesn't seem to be on the same page as you as to the seriousness of this relationship.

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I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. What steps have you taken to have a social life and activities outside of the relationship?

 

All of my serious relationships have been with extremely busy guys and since my mid 20s especially I have always been extremely busy --- but we always made each other a priority and made time for each other.

 

It could be not that he isn't into you but that he is not available to have a serious relationship right now and if so it is his obligation to tell you that. My sense from what you posted is that he is not willing to make you as much of a priority as he is to you. Perhaps it's time to tell him that you are going to work hard on having an independent social life and, since it sounds like he is not willing to put the effort in to see you on a regular basis, you are going to keep your options open as far as dating other people.

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His name isn't on the rental contract? Wow.

 

I can understand your anger right now...but think it through...before doing something you may regret later.

 

I'm talking about withholding the information about apartment and how you have taken up with the landlord that you are wanting out of it.

 

I do think, given his actions, his words have been more commitment orientated than his actions. Not signing on the rental was a big sign. Not wanting to talk about all this and figure out a way that works so that the two of you can move forward, that is too.

 

His intent may not be malicious at all, but he doesn't seem to be on the same page as you as to the seriousness of this relationship.

 

His name is not on the contract because when we have found this gorgeous bargain flat he was working cash in hand....so i understood that.. and put my name only. To be fair he never ceased to pay me his share of the expenses ever. Even when we had ups and downs, he still gave me the envelope with the money.We talked about him puting his name on the contract once he started his new job, but honestly, there has never been time to pursue it. As is said we never talked about stuff seriously..

 

Buthe is bloody confusing me now.. texting me to please ahve faith and hang on for him, again vague promises, I told him it feels like he's setign me up for a nice susprise, all this lack of details and asking me to close my eyes and just wait...

 

 

I had thought about this on all sides: if i get out of this flat, i will get on neutral territory, he will see I do have some independence in me. Not telling him right ahead.. well.. it was my way of showing him how it feels to withold information... and after all he never asked about any of my plans and never seemed interestedin whats going on so... I did what i thought it was best on my own. DOesnt he do the same thing?

 

I could present him the positive side: We dont live together anyway so me going into flatshare is so much cheaper for both of us and we can still see eachother occasionally. Also, the money we save from the rent, we can put them into a common saving account.. If he is serious about me and does not want to lose me, I think he will accept that. If he doesnt care, well, I am on neutral territory.. Ihave moved out of his influence.. so well done me. Gosh this is a mind f_kkkkk......sorry about the language

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It feels really good to be listened here. ISnt' it amazing, once we get sucked into a relationship, we tend to forget about other good people in our life.. Luckily i haver good friends with busy lives as well so did notice me fading but not disappearing.and they are willing to encourage me. Im just getting back in contact with all these people I used to hang out too but i have dropped contact... Today I spoke for the first time in 2 years with on eof myold friends.. she just had her baby last month...

I am going out.. sometimes even on my own to live music gigs.. and have already met lovely people.. there's a whole world out there. My bf doesnt know I have started to build myself out of this torment and re evaluate my options.. He thinks I am still sitting at home waiting for him.

Funnily enough i've got so many ' i told you so' from friends i've confessed to.. (I went against the grain when I chose this boyfriend, many a time i've been seeing raised eyebrows but no... I just wanted to do my thing... I believed in this guy).

Thank you so so much for listening

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Well... he is lovely now.. he explained the break to me. I feel considered and reassured. Just that something has changed inside me. It took one year to get here and I am tired. I suggested tohim why dont i go flatshare and we save money etc. He said no way, we will keep paying for the flat, but he still needs to spend time at his mum's. I feel the b_tch now going behind his backk. But it took one year too many. If we are to stick together, we will. I feel I need my own space as well now. Thank you guys for all your support.

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I have the same relationship with my boyfriend. Not as intensive, but he works nights and his weekend is Wednesday night and Thursday night, and he's back at work Saturday at 12:00 am until Wednesday morning at 12 AM. It sucks. It's a horrible schedule, but I cherish the weekends that he takes off. It's almost like a mini vacation for me because I get to see him. It's a major strain on our relationship and I get frustrated too because he runs his errands after work (8:00 AM) and sometimes doesn't get into bed until 11 of 12 PM and that means I can't get him up until late that evening. I'm happy to see him when I get to see him. We have mutual friends that take me in when he's gone for a while or working a ton of overtime, and I catch up with my mom.

 

He also makes me a priority. Huge difference. If he has a weekend off, we spend time with our friends, but we'll usually leave a little early and snuggle and watch a movie... It's nice. If you don't/ can't have that with your guy, you need to talk to him and tell him that's what you need. If he can't, then it might be time to move on.

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i used to be a priority.. now he says he needs to spend time with his friends as well.. which makes sense, he only gets a day off a week, but i feel kinda hurt when he chooses them obver me. he chose me for a long time but dropped in about 3 months ago and i have been hanging on... he says he needs time to himself so he misses me... which doesnt make sense cos ...we dont get to see eachother too much anyway... but maybe his life is too monotonous all work wok no fun and he needs his mates.. oh it really sucks.. im so glad you understand. im confused why he still wants to keep me in the flat. the fact that he said he wants to miss me makes me think he took me for granted and never understood my efforts....

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i used to be a priority.. now he says he needs to spend time with his friends as well.. which makes sense, he only gets a day off a week, but i feel kinda hurt when he chooses them obver me. he chose me for a long time but dropped in about 3 months ago and i have been hanging on... he says he needs time to himself so he misses me... which doesnt make sense cos ...we dont get to see eachother too much anyway... but maybe his life is too monotonous all work wok no fun and he needs his mates.. oh it really sucks.. im so glad you understand. im confused why he still wants to keep me in the flat. the fact that he said he wants to miss me makes me think he took me for granted and never understood my efforts....

 

Maybe you should offer to go out with all of your friends. I'm sure by now you have mutual friends that you can go out with for that one night. That way you can spend time with him and he can spend time with his friends. You guys should think about going away for a weekend I think he has enough time off saved up at this point. My bf works for the state, and in New Jersey, he gets amazing benefits, so he opt for comp time and get more time off...

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Maybe you should offer to go out with all of your friends. I'm sure by now you have mutual friends that you can go out with for that one night. That way you can spend time with him and he can spend time with his friends. You guys should think about going away for a weekend I think he has enough time off saved up at this point. My bf works for the state, and in New Jersey, he gets amazing benefits, so he opt for comp time and get more time off...

 

Hi, funnily enough I did that just last evening...It was his night off and he wanted to spend it with his mate. We met for 5 mins to touch base and he noticed I was not wearing my engagement ring. We talked a little bla bla then I headed home ( it was so hard!). Then I made a mistake- I called him believing I was callin gthe estate agent ! just called him by other name onthe phone. He got suspicious and stroppy and kept calling me back, I pulled it off saying i thought I was calling my gf's boyfriend because I got a missed call from them.

To cut it short, this time he invited me to join them out. I did and jst relaxed.. didn't focus on him all evenng, and at the end of it i was ready to head home alone. And I did. except he came home after 2 hours!!! During our break, out of the blue. HE said he feels he's losing me and does not want that ( or maybehe just wanted the sex? LOL). HE begged me to not think he is there for sex. hah. lol. Then............ somehting sent from the gods above: In the most serious tone that I have ever heard him taking, he said, he thinks we should sit down one day soon and work out a way out of this mess, he needs advice and he feels stuck in this whole situation. I was cool, yeah ok, told him I'm glad he finally wants to do that, and I also told him that this sort of break we have had pened my eyes a litle bit too and I do need to talk to him as well. We left it at no contact for one week. Then meet up and 'set up the future' , as he put it.

I should be glad to hear this... this is what I've always wanted to hear! but the heartache the games, the power games, the way he dealt with me for oer one year just becasue I WAS THERE ASSUMING DOORMAT POSITION... all left me wiht a bitter taste in my mouth. But lets se how it will go. Thank you again you all for the advice you';ve given me.

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You are playing a lot of games. Not wearing your engagement ring, going hbehind his back on the flat etc, if he is hurting you, hurting him is not the answer and you will both just get more hurt.

 

If he was giving you a fulfilling, loving relationship you wouldnt have the inclination to bve hurtful or play games with him, so I suggest you break this off now before you both keep playing games against each other and get more hurt.

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You are playing a lot of games. Not wearing your engagement ring, going hbehind his back on the flat etc, if he is hurting you, hurting him is not the answer and you will both just get more hurt.

 

If he was giving you a fulfilling, loving relationship you wouldnt have the inclination to bve hurtful or play games with him, so I suggest you break this off now before you both keep playing games against each other and get more hurt.

 

You are right. He has been living behnd my back for a long time now and never had the considerationor insight to share important informaiton with me. \we get along veyr well when we are together however problem was we arent very much together and the way he has been dealing with this just was not good. I will end it soon. It should not matter too much to him, I kow how he was wehn he was interested in me, courting me. The way he is now is not a person who is as focused as me on a relatiobship. It will end soon. Thank you for your insight.

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By going behind his back i wanted to gain some of my integrty back.. to make him see that he does not own me. He probaly think he does, and thats why he treated me like this until now. He courted me massively for a long long time before, so i know how he is when he is interested.. i might have been too available to him. i think it's a wise move to go on neutral territory.. i did try to talk to him and fix things for over one year. one year is a long time when, like one of you guys have said, the other person is not even trying. If he will try now to get me back, i'll know he is for me. if he won't be bothered, well, i will know we wasn't bothered before. we shall see. \it's not like we established domehting and i went behind his back. he AVOIDED discussions... so there.

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By going behind his back you are showing him that you are not a person who values trust and communication (and honesty) in a relationship. Rather, simply tell him that you prefer to have space from him for at least 2 months, with no contact, that you won't date anyone during this time and that he should not contact you unless he is ready to commit.

 

If he tries to get you back with your approach, it may be very romantic and exciting for the short term; for the long term he will always wonder whether you mean what you say, whether you are testing him/manipulating him in even the simplest of situations, etc and to me that sounds very unhealthy.

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I understand, Batya33... But here is a man that has been teling me for one year he will move in with me properly 'next month, next month'. Then avoiding discussions. Raising my expectation, seeing me fallingflat on my ____, and then telling me I am trying to control him.. One year is a long time. I do not really trust what comes out of his month, he is sooo wishy washy. I do think I need to be this drastic. I was under his control under his words for over one year now.. and NOTHIGN HAS CHANGED... so i decided to not be as open to him. Take my decision in private too, let him know at the last minute, and have him see I really meant i valued honesty in our relationship and being a clueless doormat for one year.. from now on i'll be a woman who takes her own decisions regardless of him or not. AFter all, both of us have to decide if we want the other person back. We have known eachother for more than one year so he should knnow by now my character, and what this drastic decision of mine really means. It's nothing more than throwing a bucket of cold water on him. The fact that i am willing to even listen to him after i move out, proves this ...

Plus the technical bit.. my name only is on the rental xontract.. if i tell him now, i dont want him not to pay me his share... that would really make me a foolish woman.

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(although he has always paid his share, on a few occasions during our arguments he threatened he will go and i can do with the flat what i want cos he won't pay for it if he doesnt live here). COnfronted next day, he appologised and told me he said it to upset me, but that really rang my alarm bells. I am sure he will see this point as well.

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talking aboput self fulfilling prophecies.... we had our chat after ***the reak*** tonight.. he confessed he alwasy had thought and he still thinks i will leave him. he says he knoow i have proven myself to him on and on but he doesnt know how to deal with his mistrust in me and his fear that one day i will leave him. i told him he almost fulfilled his prophecy by pushign me away so much and not sharing this with me throughout our relationship. and i feel sad, becasue it feels like i never really had a chance and he was hating me behind my back when i thought he loved me. To be fair,his dad left his family when he was young.. he has also been fired from job. so i understand fear of abandonment.. i suggested to him private councelling. i am so tired of this...

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