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Is this a red flag?


confusedleo

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Hello all, my friend recomended me to this site and she said it has been rather helpful and full of wonderful people

 

Okay so I have been dating this guy for 5 months we have had a few ups and downs but pretty much everything is good and he calls me his bestfriend and girlfriend .. very sweet.

 

Anyway we went to a dinner dance last night and alot of people were asking when we are planning to get engaged. It's very odd because it happened last week too we were in a store and a man turned around and said we look happy and when are we getting engaged?

 

I am in no means a hurry to tie the knot I am 26 and my boyfriend has just turned 31. So as I was sitting there sipping my wine he turned to me and said when ' he thinks about marriage, he feel's like passing out' I sat there and looked accross the dance floor. I didnt know what to say. I mean eventually one day maybe I would like to get married, but now I am thinking about it today is this a warning sign of a guy who cannot make a commitment?

 

Thing is he has spoken about how he wants a family and a nice house etc ( as everyone does ) so I kind of got caught off guard with this comment. I spoke to my friend about it.

 

I know it's WAY to soon to be thinking about marriage but I was thinking should I be worried about this comment.

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It could be one of two things, to throw you off, or he really is afraid of commitment. At his age I know a lot of people will assume why isn't he married, most men marry around that age, maybe he is just sitting, waiting for the right person. No need to rush. To some people they think marriage is only a title and they think it isn't necessary.

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I mean thats what I think too. He said to me he wants to travel the world with me and I come to all his family functions. It feels like he is very proud of me. But he said to me that we have our whole life ahead of ourselfs and what is the rush? I just got a little bit scared and I dont want to act weird around him next time I see him.

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Although it might be too soon for you to actually get married, it's not too soon to find out if he's serious about marrying you one day. 5 months is a long time, long enough for you to know where this thing is going.

 

Talk to him. Ask him straight up "Not saying now, but do you see yourself marrying me one day?"

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He said he does, before we got serious he said to me his next girlfriend is potientially going to be the one for marriage. He wouldnt just go out with someone for the hell of it. He discusses what our house would look like how many kids he wants dogs etc. He said he wouldnt be with me if he didn't think I was marriage material...

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Hmm, well there's his answer. But I get a sense that you are not convinced, and I am no one to speak as to your bf's true intentions. He might be telling you the truth, he might be lying, he might be one of those confused guys who thinks he knows what he wants but really doesn't (the vast majority of guys in western civilization fall in this catagory).

 

I would still talk to him again if I were you because things still need to be ironed out between the two of you. You need a more firm and convincing answer.

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Yeah I dont think I am going to talk to him about it again. I mean it was a pretty big conversation last night and I know he got a little stressed talking about it and I don't want to push him in anyway. I have been doing some reading and some guys run when marriage is mentioned too early and I don't want to do that to him.

 

It just got my mind thinking... I mean who says by 30 that you have to be happily married. He said to me last night he likes where we are at the moment and where it is going...

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Yeah I dont think I am going to talk to him about it again. I mean it was a pretty big conversation last night and I know he got a little stressed talking about it and I don't want to push him in anyway. I have been doing some reading and some guys run when marriage is mentioned too early and I don't want to do that to him.

 

It just got my mind thinking... I mean who says by 30 that you have to be happily married. He said to me last night he likes where we are at the moment and where it is going...

 

He might have said that because he was scared, and didn't want to scare you off. If you are still feeling uneasy, I would bring it up again gently. Tell him exactly how you feel though.

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He could be doing the whole Chandler Bing thing (didn't Barack Obama do it too??) and pretending to be anti-marriage while secretly wanting it more than anything, just saying he's afraid of commitment to throw you off.

 

I'm not trying to give you false hope about marriage, but I've seen this happen before (and no, not just with a character in Friends and the US president on a small level (ie: my ex pretending he didn't like me and doing it deliberately so it would be a surprise when we first kissed) and on a more serious level (ie: my cousin's fiance playing the whole I-don't-want-marriage-card and proposing a few months afterwards.) Furthermore, people don't just ask couples out of the blue when they've been dating for only five months if they're getting engaged!

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Do you wonder if your boyfriend is on some other on line self help site posting "is this a red flag, I girl I've been dating for only 5 months is talking about marriage"

 

Just a thought....

 

I do not see it as a red flag that someone fears marriage. Marriage is not all it's cracked up to be

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See that’s the reason I was a bit abhorrent to posting on here due to the fact that some people might think that I am being pushy.

 

I haven’t mentioned the whole marriage thing since and I am going to leave the conversation where it left off.

 

As this whole marriage topic is new to me, it just surprised me to think that some guys are afraid of marriage and I didn’t know what to think of the comment.

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