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Ah..now I've got your attention, for most people... we're quite familiar with this word...right?

 

So if this could ever be *stickied* I would love that, because I plan on getting a lot of responses here...not debates.

 

Selfishness... so this shouldn't take too long. We know what this word means, but do we ever really? I'm getting kind of tired of hearing(and I know, it's a forum, people have the same problems and same questions) about my boyfriend does this, my girlfriend doesn't do this, my husband doesn't do this for me, my wife doesn't do this for me... and I know, it doesn't always come in that exact form of wording, but there-in lies the problem for the most part.

 

Many of us on here have been in relationships, some years, some months, some days, and for those of you who haven't... you may even appreciate this more because you've yet to deal with sharing your life with another.

 

I want anyone and everyone who comes to this thread, to answer this question, I don't want you to look and then run, because this could turn out to be the most informative thread of your life if you'd just realize it...

 

If you've been in a relationship, and you've dated, obviously, you've had fights, you've had problems, you've broken up, you've gotten back together... if you haven't, then you've got one crazy relationship. I want any of you who've had fights in the past, relationship conflicts, problems with your significant other, whether on your own end or theirs- I DON'T CARE because that's not what I want to hear. I want you to sit and think about your relationship conflicts for a minute, and answer me this, did most of your problems arise from selfishness...?

 

Oh wait wait you saw this one coming... after all that build up... what a waste. ](*,) No not really, we're selfish beings, we're sometimes raised that way, it's hard not to push for one's own wants and desires... if you don't get what you want, you won't be happy...right? In such an automatic society where people get what they want, and quickly because most don't wish to work for it, how hard is it to not easily apply that to your relationships? GET OVER THAT! GET OVER YOURSELVES! I'm not going to deny it, I do it too, just KEEP THIS IN MIND!

 

Last question, whether most of your relationships problems arised from either your or your partners selfishness, that's not the point... a blame game will not solve problems....the last question is, what will it take for all of you to realize that love does not equal selfishness? and in order to have a true loving relationship all around with your partner, it starts with wanting to make him/her happy... not yourself. Don't get me wrong either, having your own desires in life is an amazing thing, don't lose hope in them, the problem begins with always putting yourself before your partner. And please please, don't get me wrong, I know your partner may be the most selfish person in the world, but you won't make anything better by being the same way... so pulling away and saying "but he/she's not thanking me, or even doing anything back for me"...love does not require a thank you or a response. Thats our desires for wanting acceptance or a response back, when in reality as amazing as it is when both partners ARE loving one another fully and responding with love without even thinking about it... it's even harder when they're not.

 

Please... tell me how long you would get up every morning and make me breakfast with orange juice, toast, scrambled eggs and some bacon before you got upset that I didn't do it back... that's actually another question I want answered. How long could you take it? How long could you deal with putting up with my behavior and my taking granted of your actions to get up every morning before me and do this...? I would imagine for most not so long...

 

Then you could read something like this...

link removed

 

...could you put up with taking care of someone else you loved for 30 years with nothing in response? No love back, no money, no words, no actions...

 

So really... how unselfish do you think you really are?

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No one is completely unselfish ever.

 

But if one person is generally unselfish and his/her partner is not, it leads to the unselfish partner getting taken advantage of... and it becomes unhealthy for him/her to be in the relationship. If I made you breakfast everyday, treated you well, took care of you... and you neither thanked me nor did anything to further the relationship from your side, I would not be "unselfish" in continuing to serve you. I would be self-desctructive.

 

Someone being in a coma is completely different as their lack of expressed appreciation arises not from selfishness and disrespect but rather from... well, you know, being unconscious.

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I was selfish in my past relationship. I took my comforts for granted. I took her love for granted. I took our vows for granted. I took and took but never gave back. And now I am alone and hurting more than I ever wanted too. Now she is being selfish and took her happiness back (which is a good thing for her).

 

 

 

So really... how unselfish do you think you really are?

 

 

I wasn't as much as I had thought or had hoped

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No one is completely unselfish ever.

 

But if one person is generally unselfish and his/her partner is not, it leads to the unselfish partner getting taken advantage of... and it becomes unhealthy for him/her to be in the relationship. If I made you breakfast everyday, treated you well, took care of you... and you neither thanked me nor did anything to further the relationship from your side, I would not be "unselfish" in continuing to serve you. I would be self-desctructive.

 

Someone being in a coma is completely different as their lack of expressed appreciation arises not from selfishness and disrespect but rather from... well, you know, being unconscious.

 

You're right, but in doing that to me, would I ever learn how selfish I was being until I lost what I took for granted? People make mistakes, so there's reasoning in being completely unselfish so others may see how truly good they have it... and if they don't realize it... then they will be alone and unhappy... or with someone and still unhappy.

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i think we all are selfish to varying degrees...I think it's always effort to put someone else first the difference is in a persons ability and desire to put others first.

I am a very empathetic and caring person. I open doors for people, make sure i am not cutting anyone off when walking, give up my seat on the bus to the elderly etc...but i am always putting effort in to making sure i am considerate and thoughtful, i think it's foolhardy to think that it should come naturally to each person...

Relationships of any kind are work and a lot of that work should come from attempting to be selfless and considerate.

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I want you to sit and think about your relationship conflicts for a minute, and answer me this, did most of your problems arise from selfishness...?

 

 

To be honest, they don't. Most of our disagreements are about the kids (for varying reasons). And I actually think that just being in a relationship is an unselfish act (for most people).

 

There will always be times when self interest will rule. And that is healthy, I personally think relationships NEED the tension of conflict occasionally to be healthy. And I think people NEED to look after their own self interest from time to time to maintain their own esteem and well being.

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that is such a long winded post. lol.

 

 

i think it's mostly about self-preservation. you have to take care of yourself. neglecting yourself for someone else is not self-less. most people who let others take advantage of them aren't doing it out of self-less-ness and love. it's a whole other underlying issues.

 

 

i don't believe anything is free in life. when i'm in a relationship, i will try to shower my partner with love and give him everything i can. but if he only takes and takes, i'm out the door. selfishness is defined as ONLY caring for oneself and not tending to other's needs or feel that they are well below yours. problems i'vehad in my relaitonships have not been about selfishness/arised from selfishness but incompatibility.

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that is such a long winded post. lol.

 

 

i think it's mostly about self-preservation. you have to take care of yourself. neglecting yourself for someone else is not self-less. most people who let others take advantage of them aren't doing it out of self-less-ness and love. it's a whole other underlying issues.

 

 

i don't believe anything is free in life. when i'm in a relationship, i will try to shower my partner with love and give him everything i can. but if he only takes and takes, i'm out the door. selfishness is defined as ONLY caring for oneself and not tending to other's needs or feel that they are well below yours. problems i'vehad in my relaitonships have not been about selfishness/arised from selfishness but incompatibility.

 

great post-rep points to follow

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that is such a long winded post. lol.

 

 

i think it's mostly about self-preservation. you have to take care of yourself. neglecting yourself for someone else is not self-less. most people who let others take advantage of them aren't doing it out of self-less-ness and love. it's a whole other underlying issues.

 

 

i don't believe anything is free in life. when i'm in a relationship, i will try to shower my partner with love and give him everything i can. but if he only takes and takes, i'm out the door. selfishness is defined as ONLY caring for oneself and not tending to other's needs or feel that they are well below yours. problems i'vehad in my relaitonships have not been about selfishness/arised from selfishness but incompatibility.

 

I wasn't talking about being taken advantage of either, and it's not about just having to take care of yourself. I'm talking about love, within a relationship... if you walk through life thinking "I'm only going to take care of myself and my needs"... whether you are in ANY sort of relationship, you're going to have it very hard and/or possibly not even make it. Many people have jobs, and you may not even know it but you serve on a daily basis other needs... whether you see it or not first-hand, the only difference is you see this thing called money as your motivator. When in reality, money should not be a motivator, living should be...helping others should be... it's a twisted view that makes you think you need it to survive. But I'm not talking about jobs... this is a relationship/marriage.

 

I've said time and time again, and my parents are VERY wise, wish I would listen to them more often sometime, but my dad told me when I was young, and I never forget, that "being in a relationship or marriage, is not about finding the right person, it's about being the right person." Many of us walk into relationships on a high from the feelings, love is not just a feeling, it's a choice. When the feelings wear down, we start picking at our partners unknowingly, "what's wrong with him/her? damn, that thing he/she does really annoys me. I want my way, why is it always his/her way!!! why won't you agree with me on how to raise children? why won't you agree with me on what political party we support?" People were not MEANT to perfectly agree on how to do everything, you're right in saying conflict is necessary at times, but the difference is most let it tear them apart. Conflict and being proven wrong/right is something that should be celebrated, not looked down upon... because you should be rejoicing that you learned something new or a new way to collaborate and work with your partner.

 

My parents have survived for 27 years of marriage, and many things I know about that could easily tear them apart, and only ONE of the biggest being a struggling business that they own and run together and have for the last 15 years....especially now. They self-lessly love one another, so the moment you find someone who walks into a relationship saying "what's in it for me?" you run? People deserve love whether we wish to give it to them or not, problems deserve to be worked out, not given up on... especially within a relationship.

 

I have been a very independent and taking care of myself-by myself type person for the last 3 years, it's not how you want to be. I convinced myself I needed no one at some point, and it sticks, it'll ruin you. It's okay if you don't wish to agree with me, but I have been there and it is ugly to believe self-preservation is the way to go.

 

If your partner takes and takes, you let him know then, but you don't do it by blaming... you do it by not giving up on them and you keep trying to help.

 

 

what's an incompatibility from your relationship then? give me a few examples.

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It's definitely not just having to take care of yourself. That's not what I said/mean. It's about taking yourself while taking care of others. The point is not to leave yourself depleted. Like I said, when I'm in a relationship... I try to give them everything I can. If he's taking advantage of me and not giving me back anything, it'll leave me an empty shell. I've been there and I know first hand that it is just self destructive and it's almost like passive suicide.

 

Now, if he was going through a rough time, then of course i'll be there and give and give. THat's not the time where I ask "what's in it for me?". That's when i'll be there for him. There's a difference between being in a loving relationship and truly loving someone and having it reciprocate. When I was talking about looking after myself, I was talking about how people will take advantage of you in life - and that is why you need to look out for yourself.

 

incompatibility could be anything from the way we express our love, how we communicate, etc. Yes those things could be worked on, but in the end, relationships are hard enough on their own... i'd rather find someone i *click* with. I'm sure you know what i mean, sometimes you just don't click with someone. and sometimes you do. that's the compatibility issue. some people's sense of humour makes you pee your pants laughing, the others leave you dry.

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I understand what you mean... everything, because we are a very wary of others, those who have been hurt especially, about watching our own backs, knowing when to pull away when you feel you've taken advantage of and such... but I still can't condone it on my end.

 

Because even though I started out being the one selflessly in love with one other girl, and she broke me, I engrained into myself to take care of myself and that I needed no one(and I'm not sayin this case applies to everyone, but you can imagine if I have that mindset, I'm in pretty deep). And I was bad... I mean really, I'd outright to her face lay it out that I felt other things were more important to me at times than her, I was making a choice to not put her first, and I didnt even know it. If it was not for my current girlfriend not giving up on me through out all our fights and how I had priorities above her.... I would more than likely still be like that. She, among other things, saved me. If she had given up... dont know what may have happened.

 

Yeah I completely understand *clicking*, but you're right in saying the other issues can be worked on. That's why I have a hard time believing theres a "the one" for each person, I believe there's a lot of people to be compatible with each, it's just a matter of as you said, having a truly loving relationship that makes it work.

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