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Don't try to rekindle the Old Relationship...


babysunshine
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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Futile attempts at Reconciliation are:

Painful

Anti -Healing

Anti-Growth

A waste of vauable energy

Stupid

Irresistible

 

RESIST- To give up on this final hope may be the most difficult challenge of all.

 

INVEST your energies in healing and growing, in yourself, in new relationships and in life.

 

LEARNING to let go can be one of life's greatest lessons.

 

I took this from a book by Peter Mcwillimas, called How to survive the loss of a love. It is amazing and I just wanted to share one particular page that I ripped out of the book and placed right on the wall next to my bed so I see this every morning and it gives me the strength to focus on ME and LET GO!

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Why is it always ME who actually sees the light?

 

I guess if you're one of the "beautiful people" and see others as "disposable" those words would make sense.

 

I, for one, have no problem with a word I have never heard mentioned on this forum once: forgiveness.

 

There are dozens of threads here about maintaining "NC" and "Cheaters" but I really don't think I've heard much encouragement to try to work things out.

 

Thats sad.

 

I am, and always will be, ready to try again.

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Nurseman-

I don't think it has anything to do with "beautiful people" or seeing someone as disposable. The fact of the matter is someone choose to leave ME, to live their life WITHOUT me.

 

Did I just shrug my shoulders and accept it and skip off into my new life??? No, I tried to negotiate, I begged, I promised the world, I did EVERYTHING to not have to lose this person. For ten months. Almost a year of my life. There comes a time when for your own sanity and health you HAVE to let go and not be willing to try again...... at this time.

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Why is it always ME who actually sees the light?

 

I guess if you're one of the "beautiful people" and see others as "disposable" those words would make sense.

 

I, for one, have no problem with a word I have never heard mentioned on this forum once: forgiveness.

 

There are dozens of threads here about maintaining "NC" and "Cheaters" but I really don't think I've heard much encouragement to try to work things out.

 

Thats sad.

 

I am, and always will be, ready to try again.

 

 

I also believe that everyone deserves a second chance. But I think what the OP is talking about is how many dumpees want their exes back so much. We don't grow or heal as long as we're wishing our exes came back to us.

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Greywolf, that's exactly right. Like I said for ten months I thought I was healing but the only thing on my mind was this one person. How I could keep them in my life, how I can get them back... I will always love him and who knows? Life is strange sometimes and we might cross paths again and deep, deep down I still have hope for that. But, for now, it is not healthy to live like that and letting go and moving on is my main priority.

 

Also, when I read the title, Don't Rekindle the OLD relationship, I took the meaning to be the relationship we used to have for four years, but if in the future we were to be together again it would be a NEW relationship... so in that case (and if the stars were aligned =), I would give him a second chance of course.

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Nurseman- i understand what you are saying but sometimes one cannot go back. People should always forgive after they have had time to heal but that doesnt mean they should give it another shot. I know i have been forgiven by my ex for cheating but that doesnt mean she should come back to me. All i want is to give her my life, my all, but i will not get that chance. people forgive but they never forget and thats what keeps them apart.....

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BabySunshine,

 

I couldnt agree more! If someone does not want to be with you, there is nothing you can do, and you are only hurting yourself by thinking otherwise.

 

Like you, it took me a year to realize that, but in the past year I have tried to follow and live that advice.

 

I think it's a natural reaction though to give in to all of those weaknesses in the beginning.

 

I agree.. 100% letting go is the hard part. 2 years, and I'm almost, but still not quite there.

 

Thanks for posting that.

 

By the way, I realize that sometimes relationships can be given a second chance, but I interpreted the comments to mean when the other person is done with it.

 

To me, you're over it when the ex calls you, and you cant talk to him/her as if they were just an old friend. You have no motive for getting them back.

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My then girlfriend left me to return to her own country. We were apart for several months.

 

Been married now for over 30 years.

 

What do you think would of happened if he didnt try to reconcile?

In some cases it is best to just to move on but not always... I know plenty of people that broke up for a few months sometimes a few years then got back together and got married and have been happy together ever since.

 

It really depends on the circumstances of the break up and how much you love eachother but just giving up whenever you break up could be the biggest mistake of your life and later down the track when you look back and really think about what happened you might regret it.

 

Sure, when you try as hard as you can to get back with your ex but it doesnt workout it can hurt but what IF it did work? would you really wana miss out on what COULD of been? It's been proven many times over it CAN work but haveing topics like this is just discouraging people from trying and could end up by hurting them more in the long run especially since they dont know what could of happened.

.

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Sure, when you try as hard as you can to get back with your ex but it doesnt workout it can hurt but what IF it did work? would you really wana miss out on what COULD of been? It's been proven many times over it CAN work but haveing topics like this is just discouraging people from trying and could end up by hurting them more in the long run especially since they dont know what could of happened.

.

 

The OPs point is that the dumpee has to eventually let go. You're getting nowhere if you're constantly thinking about what you could have done differently, and if you had another chance you'd do everything right.

I have nothing against giving someone another chance. The point is during the time that you're desperately wanting your ex back, you are NOT healing. You aren't letting go.

I took my ex back and I hadn't healed yet, and now we're broken up again.

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Bad Wolf,

 

I see what you're saying, but the forum is about HEALING after a breakup or divorce. I think it was an appropriate post. That being said, you're absolutely right. Things can work a second time. Maybe even be better.

 

Like I said, I take the post to mean when the relationship is absolutely done... it's pointless for one side to try and reconcile if the other is not open to it.

 

Gray Wolf.. Totally agree.

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Hey I believe in second chances! All Im saying is I have been "waiting around" "trying to be friends" "NOT HEALING" for ten months! What are you suggesting I do, sit around for another three or four years just to make sure Im not missing out on something that could have been?? There comes a point in time when you MUST LET GO. and letting go doesnt neccessarily mean you are closing all the doors for a reconciliation.

 

It just means that FOR NOW, you are focusing on you and not wasting your time and energy on trying to persuade someone to give you a second chance. It's not healthy. Cutting contact, truly living your life as an individual without the person who DUMPED you! .....

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And for every peson that supposedly feels discouraged from this post, there are ten others who finally see the light and it clicks for them that wasting their life on someone who CHOSE to let them go and go live their own lives is completelty and utterly useless. This helped me and I know it will help others. Don't get discouraged if you disagree! Go look up the one or two posts on people who broke up and got back together ten years later!!! -

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And for every peson that supposedly feels discouraged from this post, there are ten others who finally see the light and it clicks for them that wasting their life on someone who CHOSE to let them go and go live their own lives is completelty and utterly useless. This helped me and I know it will help others. Don't get discouraged if you disagree! Go look up the one or two posts on people who broke up and got back together ten years later!!! -

 

^exactly. I don't feel that way about the current ex, but there are past exes where I can't believe I spent sooo much time trying to get them back.

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Why is it always ME who actually sees the light?

 

I guess if you're one of the "beautiful people" and see others as "disposable" those words would make sense.

 

I, for one, have no problem with a word I have never heard mentioned on this forum once: forgiveness.

 

There are dozens of threads here about maintaining "NC" and "Cheaters" but I really don't think I've heard much encouragement to try to work things out.

 

Thats sad.

 

I am, and always will be, ready to try again.

 

 

I hope by forgiving you don't mean taking the ex back.

 

I have forgived everyone i ever had a past relationship with, but that doesnt' mean I will take them back.

 

So if you say you always forgive and take them back, then yes perhaps you are the only one who gets that concept. If you think you are the only one who has forgiven an ex, even if they hurt you, then you are mistaken.

 

I don't think her post meant there is never a successful second go 'round. What it means is that if a relationship really is NOT working and you made painful attempts time and time again to make it work, at some point you need to see the light and LET IT GO. Love and forgive that person from afar. Work on yourself, your healing and your peace of mind and wish them well.

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I think also second chances can be valuable. But once a second chance has come and expired, i think it is time to realize there are serious issues that likely won't be overcome. People can change but total turnarounds are rare. Third, fourth and fifth chances do nothing but wreak havoc on a person. Once a relationship gets to the point that on and off agains are common, at some point you need to let it go.

That is what i took away from the OP.

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Hey I believe in second chances! All Im saying is I have been "waiting around" "trying to be friends" "NOT HEALING" for ten months! What are you suggesting I do, sit around for another three or four years just to make sure Im not missing out on something that could have been?? There comes a point in time when you MUST LET GO. and letting go doesnt neccessarily mean you are closing all the doors for a reconciliation.

 

It just means that FOR NOW, you are focusing on you and not wasting your time and energy on trying to persuade someone to give you a second chance. It's not healthy. Cutting contact, truly living your life as an individual without the person who DUMPED you! .....

 

 

Thankyou Baby Sunshine,Ms. Kitty and Jeffrey

You are making soo much sense, i tried to rekindle,at least tried to be friends with a guy who not only dumped me but took pleasure in it by making it obvious that i'm not good enough 4 him through his blatant disrespect.

To me its not healing to continue knocking in a locked door, while he has been opening it for someone else for quite a while.

Now he is content on exchanging casual,superficial email about politics world news,without asking me how i'm really doing,or letting me know whats going on with him. How dead end is that???

I'd appreciate more insight and more advice on not wasting time,share a bit more of info on that book.

Need of help just as much

Viv

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Hey Viv! It's good that you finally realized that the only person benefitting from this "friendship" is him. He has someone to talk to when he is bored or feels like it, someone to confide and what do you get??? Uh.... nothing. or sometimes measly crumbs. That realization took me ten long, heart wrenching months to come to. NC is hard, but being friends with someone who sees you only as an option "B" is harder!

 

The book I read was by Peter Mcwilliams and it's called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". I bought about four months ago, read it and found it a little helpful. Picked it up about two weeks ago and re-read it and have never felt better! I was investing all my energy on keeping him in my life, now that I have let it go I have all that strenghth and energy to invest into me and my life! It feels sooooo much better!

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I read about reconciliations on here, but personally don't know of any cases where a couple was apart for months (exluding distance, military, that kind of thing) because the dumper did not want the relationship, and then got back together and had it last.

 

I've seen it happen quite a bit, though in most of those cases, the first relationship lasted a year or more.

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