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Prescina

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I'm so lost and I'm hoping someone can help me.

 

Backstory: I have been dating this man that I met online. We haven't met IRL yet, but I have the most amazingly deep connection to him. I've never felt anything like it. We are compatible in everyway, we seem to know each others thoughts. He works nights and I work days, but he messages me first thing in the morning everday just to ask how I slept. He calls me everynight when he has a break in his shift just to make sure I've eaten enough during the day and to wish me a goodnight.

 

Now, I know most of you are going to say that you can't love someone you haven't met, but damn, i sure do. He means the world to me, and I him. Aside from my daughter, I have never in my life felt so connected to someone on a spiritual and emotional level like this.

 

I grew up in a very bad situation, I'm 29 now, but was physically and emotionally abused until I was 17. I have Major Depressive Disorder because of all this. I take medication for it which helps. I give you this information because I am an incredibly insecure person, and its so hard for me to trust anyone. I'm so afraid that the rug will be ripped out from underneath me, he'll decide to end it, and that will be that. I told him about my insecurities last night because I finally felt I was able to. He reassured me over and over that he will always be here for me and he loves me immensly. He loves me despite all my emotional baggage, and I love him even more for that. How do I remove this iron casing around my heart and just let go? I've never felt love like this and it's terrifying. I feel like I will always have this fear that he'll fall out of love with me and my world will crumble.

 

If there's anyone out there like me who can give me some advice, please help.

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Hmm. Are you afraid of meeting him IRL because of these insecurities? I really, really believe that you can't know if it'll work out if you haven't actually been with this person. Don't not see him because you're afraid he won't like you then, etc.

 

I can tell you from what's been going on with me, though...don't let the insecurities create problems that aren't there. I do that, and it just ruins things. What helps me get over my problems like this is just reassurance from my boyfriend. I let him know that I need to be told that he loves me, held, etc; I need to be reassured, and it helps me so, so much when he realizes that and acts on it.

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How far apart do you guys live from each other? It's great that you built such a strong relationship without actually seeing each other yet, but you really need to be physically together for some time to build another part of the relationship that you can't do online. All you know are each other's words, not actions. I am by no means saying it can't work out. But you learn a lot more about a person by what they do than what they say, even when they have absolutely no intention of deceiving you. Do you have plans to meet each other anytime?

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are you in therapy? i recommend it so you can face some of your fears and figure out why you feel the way you do.

 

i wish that i can gaurantee that this man won't break your heart (or you won't break his), but there are no gaurantees, especially not in love. he could be a jerk in real life, smell bad, he could cheat on you, or.... you two could have a beautiful relationship and live happily every after. you just don't know... i think love is about taking some chances. so, good luck. i hope you two meet soon and see if the chemistry is there in real life also. and definitely, seek out a therapist so you can talk about the things that are bothering you.

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I was also emotionally and physically abused as a child (but we got out when I was like 11) so I understand the wall you build around yourself. It's easier to keep people out then let them in and risk having them hurt you. If you do really feel ready to try this though you need to meet your online guy.

 

One thing that kind of alarms me is you saying, "we're compatable in everyway". If you really believe that and you enter into this relationship with that belief you're setting yourself up for failure and heartache... There are going to be times where he disappoints you or vice versa. When that happens, try not to go into self preservation mode (which is so hard when you've been abused) and let yourself feel your emotions and express them with him without fear of being abandoned or degraded.

 

You seriously need to recondition yourself. It's hard... and there's never really anyway to fully break away from your past. Take each day and each problem at a time. You could also consider therapy just to help you understand things about yourself better. Plus, it gives you an avenue to turn to when you're hurt and confused during problems that will arise in your relationship.

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