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Cheated, lied and now don't know what to do. Please help.


alone88

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About two years ago I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years with a few different people on various occasions. He recently found out. We are still together, only just. When I cheated I was an immature girl, I feel now I have grown up and have deffinalty changed from the person I used to be. The thing is now because I lied so much my boyfriend understanably has no trust or respect for me. Although he says he does still love me. And I love him.

None of our friends know about what has happened. I can't tell my friends because I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel so alone because I can't talk to anyone.I now never see my friends because my boyfriend is worried I will cheat again (I NEVER WOULD DO IT AGAIN) and although he isn.t stopping me going out, I know that his paranoia will get too much and he will finish with me, which I don't want to happen.

Now whenever I talk to a boy in person or facebook or whatever I feel guilty and my boufriend doesn't trust me.

Please help me find a way to regain his trust, make it up to him and get our lives back to normal. I'm desperate

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How did he find out? Did you tell him or did he find out some other way? It kinda hinges on this as to whether he will fully trust you again. If you came clean then that's something at least. I'm sure you can understand how he is feeling, having just found out that his girlfriend cheated on him several times and lied about it by not telling him. You may need to give him some time to think things over about the relationship.

 

What you could do is write down the ways in which you are going to be a better girlfriend and how you have changed since you cheated. Outline what you are going to do to ensure that trust can be built up again. This could be things like when you go out, give him a call to "check-in" throughout the night, give him a time you will be home by and stick to it. If you are going to be hanging out with guys, let him know. This will show that you don't want to lie to him.

 

You may get some heated comments on this board about the cheating, people may tell you to both break up. Do what you feel is right though, if you want to try again and if your boyfriend does too then just be aware that trust is going to take a while to build up again. Do you know why you cheated? Was it just because you were immature, or was there something you weren't getting from your current relationship? Were you drinking at the time?

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Thank you so much for replying it means alot.

He found out throgh someone else.

Yes I was very drunk every time apart from once. The time I wasn't drunk I felt like throwing up afterwards.

I also used to text him a lot but nothing about getting with him or anything like that, just like friends, but I also did this behind my boyfriends back.

I think maybe at the time I was too young and immature for a serious relationship but now I've grown up and do want a serious relationship. ](*,)

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I agree with Darkness Falls and was also going to ask if you know why you cheated those times. I would think that unless you can be very specific about how those times happened, and how that cannot be the way things are again, his trust will be very hard to get. And can you truly trust yourself? If there is any doubt about you trusting yourself, you can never ask him to trust you.

 

I would think that to trust you it will take a lot of time, and you will have to show him each and every day how you will do whatever it takes to never be in that situation again. If that means not seeing your friends (did you cheat while out with them? What's the link?) then perhaps that's the compromise you make. I would think that what you are both asking of him is much tougher. Sorry, but the hurt caused by cheating cuts extremely deeply, and it has a habit of driving you crazy for some time. He'll be imagining you doing this all the time, he will be visualising what you did with the other guys, and he'll be feeling very betrayed. So I think that you might need to just suck it up and do whatever it takes if you want to regain his trust.

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ouch, your poor boyfriend.

 

You know what you did was wrong and how much pain youve caused your boyfriend and you want to know what to do now...

 

my opinion is that sadly that trust is not something you will be able to repair. My ex cheated on me (just the once) and for a while I desperately wanted to stay together but it simply couldnt work. He was ashamed of himself, got angry and frustrated with the situation because he felt guilty for hurting me so badly and i couldnt trust him, my self-esteem hit rock bottom, our relationship was in tatters and it caused so much pain and drama for both of us.

 

You cheated repeatedly, with different people then you lied for years and probably thought you'd got away with it. I cant imagine that he will be able to forgive and forget, sorry.

 

However, if you really think you want to try, maybe the two of you need to take some time apart from each other, you need to give him time to grieve and feel angry. Time is the only thing that will prove to him that you have changed....and you need to understand that even if he stays with you, you are likely to be on a leash and have to deal with accusations and his jealousy..is that a relationship you want to be in either?

 

I genuinely believe if he was the one for you, you wouldnt be in this situation and you might be best to let him go - it is torturous being with a partner you dont trust and constantly trying to feel that you are good enough to keep them from straying....do you want to put him through that?

 

Try putting yourself in his shoes i guess....would you stay? Could you forgive someome?

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The best thing to do is probably to give him some space to consider everything. Perhaps write him a letter about what you want to do to move forward from the situation. Explain how you know you were too young and immature for a serious relationship and that you regret what you did. And tell him how you want a serious relationship with him and that from this day forward you will not lie. Allow him access to your phone if need be, for a while, or say that if he ever wants to see anything he can ask you then and there and you will show him your texts or emails etc.

 

You may need to have a kind of "session" with him where you lay all your cards out on the table. Say that you want to tell him everything that he doesn't know about. This means he can hear it all and start to deal with it. Try not to leave anything out because lies can come out eventually.

 

I've not really dealt with this before so I hope my advice helps in some small way!

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Yeah I have been drunk since but I can totaly trust myself now. At the time I was with friends who I wasn't that close to so they just let me do it and I didn't have anyone to give me a shake and tell me to stop it.

I just want to say I didn't sleep with anyone else, it was only kissing (not that that makes it ok).

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I'm sure that other people will have different views, and cheating is still whatever you would not do with your partner around etc etc, but in my view when you said you just kissed I just went 'oh!' and thought this was nothing like as bad as I had first presumed. Please no one come down on me too hard, it's just what I thought. I had my ex-fiance both kiss and have sex with other girls while with me, and I can tell you which of the two types of 'cheating' I 'preferred' (that is, found less painful to deal with).

 

OK, so two years ago you got drunk a few times and kissed a few boys. Pretty bad behaviour, and I would still be very upset if I was your boyfriend. But people your age (I am making assumptions here, can I assume you are under 22?) do this all the time, and two years can make a huge difference. If I was you I would be working very hard to demonstrate however you can that you actually have two years of good behaviour since then. Of course, for him, this is new news, so it will feel like you just did it. So whatever you can do to contextualise it would be good.

 

I'm not sure you can manage the trust issue about you never telling him yourself - that would really have damaged your credibility though. I still think that you can only do what he is comfortable with, and realise this will take time. He is not being paranoid - remember that he has little reason right now to believe any of what you say about it. He may well think you did more than kissing, and with more people than he just found out about. Give him time and your absolute patience and honesty.

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I have tried to contextualise it and once said ''It could have been worse!'' which probably wasn't the best thing to say but to be fair I know a lot of people who have done a lot worse!

I am 20.

I understand why he doesn't want me to go out with friends without him but I just get so jealous seeing pictures of my friends on facebook having good times and I have to make up excuse after excuse as to why I can't go out.

I truly hate myself for what I have done to my boyfriend and to myself.

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Yes, I can see why this is hard for you too. But it's the price you have to pay I'm afraid.

 

If it all works out with you guys things will get better. But you being on a short leash for a while is the way it has to go. And longing after pictures of your mates laughing it up on Facebook will not give him confidence in you - I hope you are keeping that to yourself. In his mind that's the sort of stuff that got you into trouble!

 

'It could have been worse' is a bit of a prize winner for insensitivity, I'll bet you regret that one . It certainly could have been worse, but remember that you have gone from Miss Perfect, to Miss Who Knows What I Have Been Up To in his eyes, which is a huge backslide, and he has probably imagined 'worse' anyway.

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Anyway, I forgot to say 'Welcome to ENA', so Welcome to ENA! I hope that you get some useful advice about how to deal with this, and how to help him deal with it. I know that when it happened to me (at your age) I actually got over the drunk kissing my then boyfriend did reasonably quickly. He even had sex with his ex and called me her name the next night. See, it did get worse!

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You two might need a bit of a break from each other to start putting things into perspective. I have a few comments:

 

1) You mentioned that you had no friends to stop you...but that is no excuse....the responsibility is on the individual not to get carried away...it is not up to friends to step in....it is your body and your choice if you want to make out with men other than your boyfriend, and you have to face the consequences.

2) It is perfectly understandable why your boyfriend no longer trusts you...you cheated multiple times..even if it was just kissing, it was indeed cheating...your were deriving some kind of physical pleasure from other men. Then keeping it covered up until he found out about it some other way compounds the actual cheating...because now there is continued deception thrown into the mix. Trust is abolished in two ways...by the cheating and by the cover up.

3) Trust will not get re-gained by having him lock you in a bubble not allowing you to go out with friends. That will ultimately breed resentment on your part but will do nothing to ease the hurt he is feeling. It is his knee jerk reaction to the betrayal but it will not solve the trust issue. Only dialogue and time will solve it. So I think you need to talk about it to him...you can't lock yourself away from friends in order to win back his trust. You should be able to go out with your friends and just not put yourself in a drinking/partying situation. In other words, go out with your friends when they are going to dinner or stuff that doesn't involve dancing, getting drunk and acting wild and crazy.

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Ok, now that you have said what you actually did, it doesn't seem so bad. I know that kissing is still cheating and all but... I can see why someone would do that when younger and more immature with regard to relationships (been in that boat myself too). Still, your boyfriend will need to learn to trust you again, but come clean about it all and hopefully you will both be able to salvage the relationship, good luck.

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