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The coward's way out


SiMas

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Hi,

 

I'm new, and I guess I just need to vent.

 

I was reading earlier tonight and I was overwhelmed with the desire to take a knife from the kitchen and plunge it through my heart. I still want to even as I type this. I've thought about suicide for a long time, and I want it. I WANT it so bad. It's an end, a way out of this meaningless existence. What's so funny is that I have a wonderful life. I have two loving parents who would do anything for me, and a brother who I would jump in front of a bus for. I have many "friends" and I'm supplied with everything that I might need to stay happy and healthy.

 

But I still want to die

 

Jump off a building, a knife to the heart, anything.

I just want an end.

 

My life is empty. I have no purpose, no goals. I pretend to with wanting college and scholarships like most teenagers. But its really more of an escape. A way out of the system our species has created. I want solitude, peace, quiet. I'm tired of being the embodiment of personalities collected from those around me. Living is like watching myself being tortured (if that makes any sense). Seing myself talk to all those horrid people, who are all the same. They also have no purpose, no opinions, nothing. Just hollow shells, that take in what's around them.

 

I can't take it. I can't touch them. I can't be around them. I cringe, my fingers hooked into claws, when anyone comes near or tries to touch me. There are some that I like, some that understand. To some point. Even so, if they knew me for who I really am, they would avoid me. I stay with them because I need them. Because no human can take complete solitude. But I need it. Human interaction kills my soul and changes me into one of them.

I don't want to be one of them.

 

I can't take it anymore

 

I want to slit my writs, and watch them bleed. I want to die and see what's on the other side.

 

Its the cowards way out, and I know I'll find a purpose if I wait long enough. But in the kind of world we live in today its almost impossible to be truly passionate about anything. But I never said I was brave. I am a coward, and I want the coward's door.

 

However, I'm not saying I'll actualy kill myself. I probably never will. But the urge is always there. The only thing stopping me is human fear. Fear of pain, and the unkown.

 

So I'll live with this torture until my body is ready to quit.

I'll watch as my body and mind submits to the robots around me.

 

I just want something to live for, a purpose. Something to feel passinate about. To love.

 

I'll end my rant here. Any advice is welcome. Or just companionship.

However, no comments on religion. I don't believe in God. To me He is just the embodiment of the human need to believe in something biger than ourselves.

 

Whether or not I believe in that higher power I have not yet decided.

 

I am 15 years old

I live in the suburbs with rows of houses that all look the same

I have everything I could ever want at this point in my life

And I want to die

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Hi SiMas,

 

I grew up in the suburbs too and it was a crime against humanity. All that wealth and no love.

 

15 is a hard age to begin with, that's when I really started feeling as if everything I had ever been taught was a lie.

 

How long have you been thinking fondly about ending it all?

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Maybe a year now, but I 've always had a strange obsession with death.

Living here feels like the stepford wives movie. All perfection and no realism. I just want truth, and I feel like i can't get it. Like I'm trapped.

 

Can't wait till college

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I was hormonal, suicidal and deppressed as a teenager. It tapered off later in life as I found goals, beliefs, accomplishments. You're so young. I think you should see a professional and wait it out b/c you have a lot to offer the world if you change your line of thinking from negative to positive...suicide is often a normal response to people who believe that there is no meaning/purpose to life.

 

Life is usually about being disappointed, but its also about hope.

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From my perspective a couple more waves out I can tell you that the truth is out there in many, many places. Very few people live the way suburbanites do. I completely agree that it's Stepford-like and in my neighborhood you had to be wearing a jogging suit if you wanted to walk down the street otherwise people would stare at you and maybe call the police!

 

You are absolutely right that it's temporary and when you become an adult you can live anywhere you want. It's worth waiting for.

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Thanks for the advice.

I feel so pathetic. Some people on here have it way worse than I do, and here I am complaining away about wanting to die. What does it matter anyway, if (when) my parents find out I'll se a therapist again.

 

Oh well, I have my books, sleep , and dreams

Thats about as close to death as I can get.

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Nah, not really.

The woman was nice enough, talked to me seriously, and wasn't sunny enough in her disposition to really annoy me.

Its just that I couldn't really connect with her. All she was was ears and eyes. Like a bird waiting for its prey to do something. I dunno maybe that sounds crazy, but I felt like she didn't really care.

It was just her job after all.

Eventually, I pretended to cheer up all on my own and I didn't have to see her anymore.

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You have to find a good one. Maybe part of it is b/c you hate religion & God. I'm gonna get in trouble for this post. But talking to God and having faith helped me to see the bigger picture. Its not all about the way we think things should be.

 

If you don't like suburbia (which I would hate it myself) work to move out of it as soon as possible. Find your passions...you love books, you might like traveling. Earn the money to travel. Its your life. Open a bank account.

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Either way I can't go see a therapist again.

As for the religion thing, I don't hat God. I guess I'm just to rational to wrap my narrow minded brain around it.

I feel better now, the suicide feeling comes and goes

I feel completely normal now, the urge is still there, but its faint and easy to deal with

A mere curiosity

I may ask my parents if I can go see a doctor, this is more than curiosities and emotions.

Maybe they can give me something to help

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Well, faith/God is always an option. Maybe not the option for you, but its always there for people when people need hope or a better alternative to giving up via suicide/depression. Most people criticize faith b/c they say its for weak people...weak people who can't take life .Maybe it is, maybe it isn't but it helped me. There is nothing wrong with exploration/curiosity to see if other options would work for you.

 

Keep writing...they say writing is therapuetic. Try to force your thoughts in a more positive direction.

 

The professional therapist idea is a good one. Find one you respect.

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The reason you feel so empty is because all of it (the family, friends, nice house, money) is so transparent. That is something we all hide behind in society. What you need is a good fun trip WITHOUT YOUR FAMILY to someplace fun. When you experience personal freedom and growth you see beyond all of the hollow images that are glorified by suburban life. Take a breather. Allow yourself to run away because then you can truly be enlightened and see past all of the gimmicks of life.

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Hello.

 

I think you know what the cause of these feelings are as you have mentioned that you have "no goals" and life purpose. I remember growing up and things can get quite depressing especially if you don't know where your life is going (I surely didn't). Use this time to find what you love in life, and there you have your purpose. A hobby or a future career path you can start working towards. There you have your reason to get out of bed in the morning and show the world what kind of a person you are - find out for yourself who you are.

 

As stupid as it sounds, I have found love in my life through middle distance running - love for myself especially. I haven't felt like this in years and I believe it's the answer that I've always been looking for... so simply put, hard work is the answer. But hard work at something you love

 

I hope this means something to you.

 

Good luck.

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