weird date experience

[LAYAAN]

of course nothng says he is dangerous per se. But he was strange to say the least.

Yes, he didn't seem dangerous but strange for sure. Don't know what he wanted.

[Anon333]

maybe he was just grabbing at things and acting weird because he was really nervous and was in an awkward situation like you were....I'm just trying to look at it from a different perspective..He may just be some guy that only talks to girls through the internet or phone and gets freaked out in real life and acts like a total freak...He didnt try to shove his hands down her pants or lock the car door..I understand it is scary for a woman to be with a guy who is a stranger, and if he had any common sense, he'd be respectful...But maybe when it comes to woman he had no common sense?

[LAYAAN]

Anon, my friend said exactly the same thing. She said "He was so nervous that he didn't know what to do. I don't think he was trying to harm you."

[lady00]

He doesn't sound dangerous. But that's not really a ringing endorsement for a date!

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I agree, Lady.

[grymoire]

"why do you have to turn him down 2 times?"

 

I don't have a straight answer to your Q. I do have an honest answer though.

Remember what I said before? Every failed date has left me with some Qs and I want this to stop. I struggle with myself to go on dates and get turned down. So, I said no, b'coz I meant no. But I finally decided to go b'coz I realized that the only way I could stop with the online thing is if I met him in person.

But I agree with what you said. I should meet sooner than later.

 

Ok I understand. That's why Tinu it is important to know very early where you stand. You do not want to spend so much time with a guy and then get rejected. That will hurt more and will discourage you from meeting other men. Next time around try to meet the guy in person after 1 or 2 phone calls.

 

I have a feeling that you are a good looking girl but I am guessing that you give off certain vibes during the date and that is making the guys not interested in you.

[Batya33]

You are so lucky that he was just weird and not dangerous. I made the mistake once of letting a guy drive me home after a first meet - he was creepy too.

 

I agree with annie that you talk on the phone/chat too long and get this idea that the person is decent based just on typing and talking - all "decent' should mean is that you are comfortable meeting in a public place.

 

 

I might be out of left field but I get the sense that you take pride in turning these guys down and having them persist. To me, that's not a great first impression to make.

 

I am glad you're safe.

[LAYAAN]

Ok I understand. That's why Tinu it is important to know very early where you stand. You do not want to spend so much time with a guy and then get rejected. That will hurt more and will discourage you from meeting other men. I completely agree. This has happened to me almost all the time. But I really hope that I will be more courageous now on and quickly meet in person. Next time around try to meet the guy in person after 1 or 2 phone calls.

I have a feeling that you are a good looking girl but I am guessing that you give off certain vibes during the date and that is making the guys not interested in you. I think, I'll have to agree with this. My problem is that if I like a guy, I start to feel afraid and don't know what to say. I also feel afraid that if I show how I feel, he will leave me. This has happened before. I liked a guy. I didn't say I like you but I asked him if we could meet in person. He said, "oh, you are pushing me and he went away."

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Batya,

Yes, I agree. My reason for choosing to drive with him in my car was that I didn't have navigation (I'm gonna buy it, seriously now) and didn't want to get lost driving in a separate car behind his car. It was night time.

 

Regarding turning down and the pride thing - I don't know what I say here would make sense or not, but I'm gonna share it with you. I have had men look at my snap and the comments ranged from cute to pretty to hot. I don't feel that way about myself though. Also, I just get really really scared inside if I like someone and don't know how to react. I start to think "oh Why is he interested in me? What if he leaves me" I think, I have issues. They are fear, low self-esteem, low self-respect, inability to communicate my feelings clearly. But thanx for pointing it out. I think, I'm confusing men by sending out such signals. I would really like to change my behavior though. Yes, I don't deny the pride thing.

[LAYAAN]

Well, Gry, (others can respond to this message as well, if they want)

I've been only on a handful of 1st dates so far, based off my online profile. Most of my phone conversations have been for arranged marriage purpose. I have Qs in this area.

After these experiences, I really want to meet in person as quickly as possible. But my problem is that men in this arranged marriage thing are heavy on email and phone call but they don't ask to meet in person. Now, would you recommend that I suggest them to talk on phone after 1-2 emails, and suggest to meet (if they haven't already) after 1-2 phone calls? I want a man to ask me out, not me hinting him to ask me out. This may look like I have pride but there is a deeper message here. I want a man to take initiative, show that he wants to get to know me, show that he is someone who knows how to identify a situation and take control of it. I appreciate this in a man.

Here are some of the examples of situations I've faced with these men:

A man kept emailing me every now and then. But after 5-6 emails I got tired and asked "hey, how about we talk on phone?" He completely stopped. No emails, no phone calls, no nothing.

The other man would call me only for 15-20 min each time while he was driving to someone's place, while he was packing his bags etc. He did suggest that we met but never came up with a plan/date or anything. Finally, I got tired. My interest in him just died away.

The other man just kept chatting on IM. I had to push him to get a chat headset with a mic. I said "why don't you see me on a webcam?" He said "oh I don't care so much for external beauty." "I'll come to Canada (from UK) to see you. (His bro is in Canada)" I said "That would be great. Let me know." So, my mom talked to his mom and said "It would be better if he could see my daughter on a webcam first that way he can decide if he wants to meet in person or not. These are initial steps that shouldn't take this long. Once they meet we can decide further." He freaked and emailed me "You are pushing me for marriage. Plz, plz, I can't take any decision this quick."

Now, looking at all this, I just dont' know how to act anymore.

[Batya33]

I think you need to adjust your expectations about strangers - and on the safety point do not meet at night if there is a chance you could get lost and have to be in a stranger's car. as far as expectations - it still sounds like you consider these first meets a date and that you "like" the person romantically - or have romantic interest - before you meet in person. It's fine to have romantic interest or to like the person as long as you react to that feeling by reminding yourself that he is a complete stranger for all purposes, including for safety purposes. After all, you would have never expected this person you "liked" to behave that way in your car, right? That's because he is a stranger for all in-person purposes.

 

Yes, I would meet in person ASAP after talking by phone (you need to hear his voice, see how he behaves on the phone, it's an extra safety and comfort-screen). I also think that once you get into the mindset of this is just a first meet with a stranger to see if it makes sense to date all of these reactions you have that are more akin to a dating relationship than meeting a stranger hopefully will decrease.

 

I also think the "know where you stand" is unrealistic unless you mean you want to know whether he wants to meet you in person to see if it makes sense to go on a first date. What other information could you possibly know about where you stand from meeting a stranger for the first time in person?

 

As I've written before, if after the first phone conversation he didn't suggest to meet and I wanted to meet I suggested meeting, "I'd be open to meeting if you are". I never asked any of these men out on a date. I wouldn't tolerate having random phone conversations with a stranger while he's driving or out running errands -my time is too precious and I'd find it annoying.

[grymoire]

I also think the "know where you stand" is unrealistic unless you mean you want to know whether he wants to meet you in person to see if it makes sense to go on a first date. What other information could you possibly know about where you stand from meeting a stranger for the first time in person?

 

By "know where you stand" I meant that Tinu can to a certain extent gauge the guy's interest in her. If a guy just keeps chatting and talking on the phone for months together then that does not say much about his interest in her. As opposed to a guy that talks one or two times on the phone and then expresses an interest to meet her in person.

[grymoire]

I've been only on a handful of 1st dates so far, based off my online profile. Most of my phone conversations have been for arranged marriage purpose.

 

I am getting confused... you go on dates but have phone conversations for arranged marriage purposes?

 

But my problem is that men in this arranged marriage thing are heavy on email and phone call but they don't ask to meet in person.

Do you remember I have told that I always felt something was missing? Well this is an important information that was missing. I can now understand why you always end up with weird guys. Tinu you have to understand that Dating is very casual... if the guy and the girl like each other then it may lead to a relationship... then engagement... then marriage. But in an arranged marriage setting the dynamics are entirely different. It is pretty serious from the start. That could be one of the reasons why these guys are taking their own sweet time. Think about it from their perspective - if they choose to meet you then they are taking a big step.

 

I want a man to ask me out, not me hinting him to ask me out. This may look like I have pride but there is a deeper message here.

It is normal for a girl to expect a man to ask her out. It does not mean that the girl has pride.

 

The other man just kept chatting on IM. I had to push him to get a chat headset with a mic. I said "why don't you see me on a webcam?" He said "oh I don't care so much for external beauty." "I'll come to Canada (from UK) to see you. (His bro is in Canada)" I said "That would be great. Let me know." So, my mom talked to his mom and said "It would be better if he could see my daughter on a webcam first that way he can decide if he wants to meet in person or not. These are initial steps that shouldn't take this long. Once they meet we can decide further." He freaked and emailed me "You are pushing me for marriage. Plz, plz, I can't take any decision this quick."

Now, looking at all this, I just dont' know how to act anymore.

First of all a guy saying that he does not care about external beauty is just BS. If I were you I would see it as a red flag. May be he has some problems?? And of course the dynamics have changed because as opposed to Dating it is an arranged marriage thing. Your mom got involved and that would freak out ANY guy, not just this guy. If I got in touch with a girl and suddenly her mom comes into the picture even before I had met the girl in person I would freak out and leave. I am not surprised that he said he cannot take any decision this quick. No guy can decide if he can get married to a girl without meeting her atleast one time in person.

[LAYAAN]

By "know where you stand" I meant that Tinu can to a certain extent gauge the guy's interest in her. If a guy just keeps chatting and talking on the phone for months together then that does not say much about his interest in her. As opposed to a guy that talks one or two times on the phone and then expresses an interest to meet her in person.

Yes, thats how I understood it.

[TBE_1989]

Very odd situation! I'm sorry you had to go through this!

 

Make sure if you meet with someone online you stick to a cafe or restaurant for the first two, five, ten, twenty dates, lol.

[LAYAAN]

I am getting confused... you go on dates but have phone conversations for arranged marriage purposes?

alright... my parents were looking for arranged marriage. I had a profile on EH. So, men that contacted me on EH. Most of them wanted to meet right away and the max wait time was 2 weeks in between 1st conversation and 1st meeting.

 

Do you remember I have told that I always felt something was missing? Well this is an important information that was missing. I didn't know that this was not made clear by me. I also didn't know that you would consider this as important information. I can now understand why you always end up with weird guys. what do you mean by that? Tinu you have to understand that Dating is very casual... if the guy and the girl like each other then it may lead to a relationship... then engagement... then marriage. But in an arranged marriage setting the dynamics are entirely different. It is pretty serious from the start. I agree with that. That could be one of the reasons why these guys are taking their own sweet time. Think about it from their perspective - if they choose to meet you then they are taking a big step. Now, what can be done about this? Because men that I met on EH have never wasted my time. But through this arranged marriage, yes, I can't begin to tell you how frustrating experiences I've had. This is currently my main source of trouble. What would you suggest I do? (others can comment on this too, if they would like)

 

It is normal for a girl to expect a man to ask her out. It does not mean that the girl has pride.

 

First of all a guy saying that he does not care about external beauty is just BS. thats what I felt as well. If I were you I would see it as a red flag. May be he has some problems?? And of course the dynamics have changed because as opposed to Dating it is an arranged marriage thing. Your mom got involved and that would freak out ANY guy, this was an arranged thing. Parents from both sides were involved from the get go. His mom talked to me as well even before I saw the guy. not just this guy. If I got in touch with a girl and suddenly her mom comes into the picture even before I had met the girl in person I would freak out and leave. I am not surprised that he said he cannot take any decision this quick. We never asked for marriage. My mom asked "If both (the girl n the boy) could see each other on a webcam. That way both can decide if they want to take this ahead and meet in person. Once they meet in person we can decide if and how to take things ahead." No guy can decide if he can get married to a girl without meeting her atleast one time in person.

[grymoire]

The reason I feel it is important information is because when you say "weird date experience" lot of people including me are going to assume just that, a weird dating experience. Nobody is going to know that it was an arranged marriage thing. Another reason why it is important is because you can clearly see the difference in the behavior of men that you met on EH and the guys that your parents are trying to hook you up with for an arranged marriage. The EH guys saw it as a Date and were quick to meet you in person as opposed to the arranged marriage guys taking their own time to meet up. Understand the difference?

 

I actually think that the ball is in your court Tinu. You have to decide whether to take the Dating route and continue to meet guys like how you met on EH OR go the arranged marriage route and work with your parents and the potential alliances. In either case I think it is healthy to not spend too much time online or phone call and give more importance to meeting in person. If the guys you are talking too are not taking the initiative to meet you in person then you must consider it as a red flag and move on to the next guy. Any guy whether it is through EH or through an arranged marriage system will be interested in meeting you in person. If he is not then you can simply say "next".