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Anger and resentment... is the end inevitable?


workerbwife
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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Hello everyone,

 

I am new here and just need to get this off my chest. I am so angry with my husband and I resent him. I don't know what I can do to change things and I'm not sure what to do next. We have talked about our issues over and over and over again... but nothing ever changes. I'm sure it's not just him or me, but the combination of everything that has led to our issues. I don't blame him, yet I'm still super p*ssed at him.

 

Some background:

 

We've been married for 5 years this Dec. We are both teachers, but I have always been the one to work harder or put more effort in to advance my credentials and earnings capability. He's always been in an "easier" teaching position... he hasn't had to grade papers, plan lessons, or deal with students in two years due to Other Duties As Assigned positions (district office and non-student related teaching positions). These jobs have paid the same, but he puts in less time. That is not really what makes me angry.... he is working, but he has not had to deal with as much stress as me in a long, long time and he fully admits that.

 

We have absolutely no sex life. None. He does not initiate sex at all nor does he do enough grooming stuff... so that's a turn off (bad breath, greasy face, ick). He has never been a good kisser (very awkward... he has no clue how to be sensual at all). He has always been awkward in bed, never very open and I feel like nothing I do can possibly turn him on. I don't know what he likes or dislikes at all. When I ask him, he's very vague about it. The fact that he doesn't "make any moves" just makes me feel rejected. We've talked about this over and over for years now (3 years or so). Nothing ever changes. He has admitted that he gets into some porn (not anything inappropriate), but where does that leave me? I feel like he's replacing me with some fantasy world.

 

I've always been the one who has to make decisions. He just defers to whatever I think. I feel like he has no opinions of his own. He doesn't communicate with me... he listens, but he is not an active participant nor does he ever start an interesting conversation. He has a really hard time expressing himself.

 

God, as I'm writing all of this I wonder why I ever married him. We got married young (fresh out of college) and we have no kids. I'm starting to feel like things have to change or I have to leave because I'm getting to the point where I'm going to be too old to do the things I want to do. I'm going to be 28 soon. I want to have a family, I want to be financially secure, I want to be married when I have a child. I work my tail off to prepare for those things. I don't feel like he puts in effort for that at all. If I stay and this doesn't change, then where will I be? In my 30's, single, and trying to put the pieces of my life back together. And I am scared nothing would be any different even if I were to be married to someone else. It might not work out again. I don't want to have kids in a messed up relationship.

 

He will put in effort to change when I get mad about it all or nag, but he always goes back to the same old behavior. He says he thinks he's depressed, and he's going to see a counselor about it. He went on Lexapro before, but he said it made him feel sick.

 

I've been working for a long time to try and improve my earnings. I have completed the rigorous national board process to get the pay incentive. I'm nearly done with my master's degree. He has picked up the household duties somewhat while I've done this (laundry, dishes, sometimes he cooks), but mostly things have just gone by the wayside or I do them when I get annoyed enough at everything being in shambles. That makes me so mad because I am working, working, working and it eats up nearly all of my time. I'm not exaggerating about that either. We eat out way too much and it's about the only thing we ever do together. The rest of the time we just co-exist in the same household. I feel more friend than lover and there is no passion. I am afraid it will never come back. It has never been an all-consuming passion, but I've been hurt by that kind of intensity before. A slow burn is best.... but I guess it's also susceptible to turning to cold ashes.

 

I'm not sure what else to do. I resent the fact that I work hard and put in my time to improve our finances. I resent the fact that he leaves all the decisions on my shoulders. He doesn't even know how much we owe on the mortgage. I resent the fact that we have no sex life. I resent him not communicating with me about what he likes, doesn't like, feels, thinks, or anything else besides boring day-to-day stuff. I resent him.

 

I feel like this is such a huge block in our marriage. I didn't even realize I was feeling so resentful or angry until just recently. I'm under so much stress trying to work full-time (more than 40 hours a week), work part-time teaching online, finish grad school (3 weeks left), and make sure household stuff gets done. I don't have enough time to do everything. And he doesn't put in enough effort to help out or to work towards improving anything either.

 

Is it time to throw the towel in or can things work out somehow? I have never cheated and I don't think he has either. He's always home if he's not at work. Neither of us has a lot of friends. I feel bad for feeling angry/resentful because he is the "classic" nice guy. But I am not getting what I need out of this setup. I can only guess that he isn't either, but I wouldn't know because he doesn't talk! Help? Advice?

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Classic "nice guys" are usually the passive aggressive guys...in other words, their hostility comes out by not doing anything and frustrating your plans and dreams of a loving relationship. Unless he is willing to go for counselling and to work on fixing himself, who he is now is who he will remain. It sounds to me like you got burned by passionate men so you ended up doing a complete turnaround and going for the complete opposite hoping things would eventually grow. Why did you marry him? Did you see his lack of ambition, passion etc when you were dating? How long did you date?

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I don't see why you marry someone where you had so many disagreements, or did this recently start? Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you said everything you said here to him? Still no change? Well you really can't change a person, they have to want to change on their own, and even that won't be what you want. It has to be what they want.

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As a teacher, I know what you are doing and for those not in the know, she is undertaking an arduous path! It is difficult, time consuming, and thankless, for the most part. The extra salary you receive is not anywhere near the time, money, and effort she is putting in. You do it so you can be recognized as one of the best in your field. You do it to better help your students. My hat is off to you (I, too, am getting my Masters, not the National Board recognition). Your husband neither appreciates you nor deserves you. I would leave and find someone who understands and appreciates what you are doing and treats you like the wonderful woman you are.

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Sounds a bit like me back in my marriage, though my submissiveness and lack of desire to do anything was due to years of emotional and verbal abuse on my Xwife's part. Brow-beat me to the point where I was "damned if I do, damned if I don't". I'm certainly NOT implying that you are this way... just saying I've been partially where your husband is.

 

I agree that you should not have kids at this point. But also, do not stay in a dysfunctional marriage just because you're scared a relationship may not come along again. Personally, I'd rather be happy single than married and miserable. I was 33 when I divorced, after being with my Xwife for 11 years.

 

That being said, I think this is something that a marriage therapist could help. I wouldn't make any drastic decisions until you've exhausted your choices. Your husband may have his own issues but it's your interaction together that needs work. It does sound like he needs to step up and play ball... a marriage is work, despite the happiness it can bring. If your insistence on his changing isn't working, then perhaps a professional looking at your life together can have more of an impact on him.

 

Try phrasing what you need in "I" statements, not "you" statements, as even well-intentioned thoughts can become accusatory when the word "You" is used. For example:

 

Good: "I feel like I'm pulling more than my share and need your help."

Bad: "You don't do enough around here."

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Thanks for the comments everyone. I need all the advice/perspective I can get.

 

I married him because we got along so well and we wanted the same things out of life. Then at least. Maybe he has always been like that and I just didn't realize it until later. Maybe we wanted the same things because he always agreed with me! We dated for a little over a year before we got married. We had just graduated from college and it seemed like the next natural step. I'm fairly traditional and not exactly a risk taker. I work hard, but I don't lay my neck out there. He was safety then. And, yes, I was very much burned by the "passionate" types (2 specific long term boyfriends prior to my husband). I guess I went for the "safe" bet.

 

I was happy at one point, but somewhere along the line things got all mucked up and life just trampled over us. Or we let life trample us to be more exact. Our line of work is notoriously life-consuming... despite much of the prevailing popular opinion. I don't know if it's that or what. I've thought about counseling... I'm sure he would go for it. Whenever we argue about this stuff, he just gets mopey and tries extra hard to please me. That just annoys me even more because I DON'T want to be pleased. I want and need an equal partner. Not a puppy dog. I'm tired of house training. I don't know...

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Hi there, you have poured out your soul about your relationship problems and I feel for you. But I think deep down you already know what you need to do. You have tried and tried to get both on the same page but he wants to stay on one page all by himself and he loves having you look after him. It's like he married you so you could be his mother and do all the 'mother' things for him. As you said your biological clock is ticking louder and louder so time's awasting dear..you are not getting any returns on your investment in this relationship so cut your losses,as hard as it may be-nothing will change adn you deserve better. go girl and live the life you want...good luck...

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  • 1 month later...
Like PixelPusher said, don't take any sudden actions. Take it slow, think about yourself and him. Try talking to him in a non-accusatory way and see if you can get to the bottom of the things. Seems like there are deeper issues within him since he has no aspirations, goals, motivation, etc. for life and your relationship. Something is amiss with him.

 

Doing some counseling and him trying to figure himself out should work a long way.

 

Hope it all works out. Hang in there.

 

I am in a similar position.

 

But:

I am the passive aggressive wife. I agree alot with my husband to avoid conflict. I procrastinate alot. I go to counselling for possible insecurity/depression issues.

 

He is the worker, goal oriented, feeling alone in our race together, always the one initiating working on 'talking to each other

 

Counseling will help him, and you. And trying a new approach in conversation is best. Good luck to you.

 

(I am living separately from my husband right now, to give us more meditating time, and self-reflect on what we`ve done...not sure how it will pan out, but I am hoping we can get back together).

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