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To stay no contact when the ex calls constantly?


livingitup

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I'm back! Here's the situation:

 

My ex and I have been spoken every day for the last month. We've been on dates, are very affectionate towards one another, and generally everything is like it was when we were together minus me taking her for granted. We aren't back together, but she says that "she knows what she wants" and "wants us to be back together more than anything else," but is "trying to get used to me being so good to her" and is "warming up to the idea of spending the rest of her life with me again." She says that she feels a lot of pressure because she "knows that when we get back together, that's it and we are as good as married because she can never put herself or me through this again."

 

So...I'm being taken for granted now. I blame this on myself, because in my attempt to show her I was willing to put in the effort I have been there for her EVERY time she wanted me to be there. She is comfortable that she can do whatever she wants and I'll never leave. I DO NOT want to play this game with her, but I have tried being honest with her about what I want and have run out of options. I went through this as well, her putting in all the effort and me taking her for granted, and it took her walking away from me for two months to make me wise up and fly straight.

 

Two times I have tried going no contact with her. The pattern is: I ignore her calls, she starts calling more, she starts sending texts (like: "Seriously?" and "Are you really ignoring me, real mature!"), she starts calling friends to see if they've heard from me, after 10-12 missed calls I answer because I feel so bad for her, she comes on really strong, and for a few days we are inseparable. Then after a few days it's back to me wondering when she may call. Very healthy, I know!

 

Should I try to stay no contact when she starts panicking to give her a kick in the rear? I really believe, as I have all along, that she wants to be with me (so do her friends and family, although they try to convince her that it's still too soon). She hasn't been faced with the idea of me walking away from her yet, so I wonder if that's what it's going to take to get her to grow up.

 

Thanks guys/gals!

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I think you should say to her: "You know I love you and want to be with you. But your indecision about whether you want to get back together is not working for me. Either we are going to be together in a proper relationship or we should make the decision to move on alone."

 

Make sure you are ready for her to say she doesn't want to get back with you but this limbo you are in now is clearly not in your best interests - or hers actually.

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I have said that to her. Many times! She always gets very angry and says something along the lines of, "You wouldn't have any problem moving on alone as you were doing exactly what you wanted when we were together anyway."

 

Then I won't call her for a day or two and she won't call me, but after a few days she finds some way to get in touch with me (through mutual friends, etc.).

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The "trying to get used to" you being so good to her and she's "Warming up" to the idea of spending her life with you...blah, blah...It's immature nonsense. She's getting the benefits of a relationship with you without commiting to you. Don't accept that.

 

Simply tell her that you want to be in a relationship with her. If she wants to be with you, then she should do so and stop playing games. If she doesn't want to commit, then she should move on.

 

She feels pressure because getting back together with you would mean marriage since she doesn't want to put herself or you through that again? Come on. You're supposed to make decisions based on what you want, not on what you don't want.

 

She doesn't want to commit because that means the two of you will be as good as married because she can't go through another breakup? Huh? lol. There are always risks. If she's not willing to take a risk, she should settle in for the single life forever.

 

Regardless of what side of the political aisle people might identify with, there was a great moment in Obama's nomination acceptance speech at the end of the summer where he says "Enough!"

 

You need to say that to her. lol

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I have said that to her. Many times! She always gets very angry and says something along the lines of, "You wouldn't have any problem moving on alone as you were doing exactly what you wanted when we were together anyway."

 

Then I won't call her for a day or two and she won't call me, but after a few days she finds some way to get in touch with me (through mutual friends, etc.).

OK - but you say that and then don't follow through. So she knows you don't mean it.

 

That is not the best way to handle a situation like this.

 

Tell her that if she wants to get back together then she should make that commitment otherwise you are going to assume she never will and have decided to move on. And then don't accept her calls and don't respond to messages - other than one saying she wants you back.

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Unfortunately, I am aware to all of this and it is all very well said and very true. DN is right though...I've said it and never stuck to it. I guess it's time as much as this is going to suck. My behavior is dictated by the fact that I'm scared of losing her. I need to stop being afraid of that and stop letting fear be my driving factor. After all, she left me! She should be afraid of losing me!

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Yeah, and you don't really have her now anyway.

 

It's not easy, and I've failed miserably in my own situation...I can give you a list of 20 different solid reasons why my ex is not the kind of woman I should want to marry and start a family with. Yet four months after the breakup, I still want too. lol

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