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Abusing ex-husband wants to see his children after 6 months of absence


Oryx11

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Ok, This is not my story but my sister's...I'm writing here because I am struggling with giving her advice on this.

 

She has been separated from the father of her children for a little over a year. He has not had any contact with her or the kids for 6 months. He's a very unstable person, with drug problems, he's very unpredictable and violent.

They had a arrangement where he could see the kids while his mother was supervising, but his mother is not someone she can trust either so for her it's always been stressful to leave the kids with her, she has lied to them and put all the blame of the separation on my sister, made them listen to recorded phone converstions between her and my sister to make her look bad and it just goes on and on.

 

So now, after not getting any news from him nor his mother for about 6 months, my sister gets an e-mail for the father's mother today asking to see the kids, she's asking her to let them prove to her that they can do good. That he's better and wants to see his kids...

 

I know this is not much information but I need to help her write an e-mail back to her and I don't know what to say. If I was dealing with relatively smart people I wouldn't have a problem, be she's the stupidest and selfish woman I have never met, she doesn't think about anything but herself...

I don't see how she can think that it would be good for the kids, who are just starting to stop grievin the loss of their father, to see their dad again after six months of absense...

 

Please help!

 

Thanks!

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Is there any way you can prove or find out if he has seeked help for his abusive tendencies? Was he abusive towards his children? If he is making the effort to get professional help, i would at least consider supervised visits. If he has not seeked or has no intention of seeking help because he feels that he has "no problem" I would not consider this.

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My parents divorced when I was 9 & my sister was 5. My father was abusive & had drug-related issues, & my mother battled for 80-20 custody & supervised visits until he proved that he was clean & wasn't using.

 

I don't think the kids should see their father if he still has abusive tendencies (physically or verbally). Most people like this end up indirectly hurting the children, even if they don't intend to. My father wouldn't "abuse" us, but he would brainwash us into thinking my mother was a bad person & that the divorce was her fault.

 

I don't think she should let the kids see their "father" unsupervised by her or a court-appointed guardian. That's just my opinion, from personal experience.

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Can you ask how the kids feel? How old are they? If they're older and can thinkg for themselves ask them if they'd like to see their father- if they express they don't they're not ready and connact won't be good.

 

If you think it's a good idea for the kids to see their father and has somewhat proven he is clean, and won't damage the kids in a short supervised visit, let them see their father, but only in an environment that is supervised and that doesn't include just him and his mother. Both of them need to prove themselves under a different supervisor.

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There's a restraining order against him, he cannot approach my sister. and just now he called the school asking to go see the 2 oldest (6 and 8 ). When the teacher said that it would not be allowed, he threw a fit and called the teacher and my sister all kinds of names. He is not sane.

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