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crappy situation, but don't feel any pain


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Hi, I'm new to posting on the forums though I have read other peoples 'situations' trying to convince myself that what's happening in my life is the norm. I don't know if I'm posting to get answers, help or just to vent my feelings...i guess it's a bit of everything.

 

Around two years ago I cheated on my GF with a friend of mine from college. It was a huge error on my part, and I hurt the only person that loved me. It was so horrible, I've never been so disgusted with myself. The thing is at the time it was happening (just kissing by the way) it didn't feel wrong. It didn't feel right either but it's almost like inside I couldn't see what I was doing, nothing else mattered at that exact time.

 

Fast forward two years and my GF stuck with me, obviously with several conditions...for example - I'm not allowed to talk to girls. I agreed to this straight away thinking it's no big deal...anything to be with her right? However it's becoming a problem, I'm at Uni now and much of my work is group based, and I've just been placed in a 3 person group with 2 girls and I.

 

There's also the fact that I've been struggling with this beforehand, you see I'm a very social person and if someone talks to me I'm more than happy to have a conversation about anything with anyone. My GF though expects me to quite literally turn and walk away from people....that's so rude though, I could never do that.

 

All these things have led to us having dozens of arguments week in week out, and we've reached the breaking point so many times I've lost count. However it's happened so much now that I'm at the point of not caring for our relationship, I care for her more than I care about myself....however I don't feel like I've been in a relationship for ages. Instead it's more like I'm a kid being told off constantly for doing exactly what a kid does, or a dog in a cage...my GF has put the cage around me, pokes me for fun and expects me to behave...i'm no dog owner but I'm pretty sure that if you beat your dog, it'll bite you back!!!

 

Oh and there's one more thing, perhaps the biggest thing. I went to stay with my GF a couple of months ago (she's staying at Uni with her friends), while I was there one of my GF's friends had a visitor also...a girl. My GF was okay with me chatting with her as it was a friend of a friend, plus while they were at Uni it's not like I had anyone else to chat to. I've never gotten along with anyone soooo well, we're interested in the same things, we have a perfect match on almost everything....and suffice to say...I've fallen for her big time. I kept in touch with her after I came back home (only through txt), and coincidentally she only lives 15 minutes away from me, but is now staying at her new Uni...though while she was near me...only 15mins away, it felt like an eternity away, i hated not being able to see her. but now I think because of my situation with my GF, she obviously doesn't want to be friends cos she told me that she's got a 'crush' on me but doesn't know how to handle it. So in order not to cause trouble she's distanced herself from me...totally! and I understand that, in-fact I know that if I had any sense I would do the same...

 

I hate this sooo much, it's weird how I know I really like this other girl yet I have a GF, yet even worse...I don't care, inside me I feel no pain for anyone. I know what you're thinking...what a horrible person, but I never used to be like this. After I cheated on my GF I've gone through so much crap, taken so much abuse from her just to be allowed anywhere near her, verbally, psychologically, emotionally...i think I'm messed up!!!! I'm honestly sick of being made to pay for a mistake I made, I've tried changing and being the person I was when we first met, being better for her but I can't...it's just not me. but this other girl looks at me and sees all the good in me, the intelligence, she likes me for who I am and though she knows what I did in the past she didn't judge me one bit....the first person that's had the decency to say "it's okay, you screwed up but you're not a monster, everyone can make mistakes".... during all of this...all I want is to be with this other girl, I will travel 4 hours just to get to her Uni if she said the word, yet I can't be bothered sometimes to get up and walk down the street with my GF.....I don't want to cheat on her, but I know that emotionally I already have

 

I'm so stuck, so stuck..

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I don't think you're messed up at all. You cheated, and it's wrong... you messed up and told her. She can't punish you forever. In a relationship, you need to forgive not punish. She should have never told you that you can't talk to girls. If you put boundaries like that, the other person will get tired of them and re-bell. It's a natural thing. And maybe you have just had too much, and even though you care about her and love her, you don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. That's for you to decide. I think that because you have fallen for another girl, and think there is more of a chance for happiness with her. Think about your feelings and decide on how YOU feel (no one else). She might have stuck with you for that long, but maybe enough is enough.

 

Take some time and decide what's better for you.

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Thanks, I was kinda nervous typing all that cos I didn't think anyone would understand.

 

I do really like this other girl, but I want to stress that that's not the main reason I'm feeling like this, I felt this for the last year and a half once I started realizing that whatever I do...It just won't be enough. My GF and I have been together 4 years, 5 on New Years Eve, and I actually do consider each day to be great (when we're getting along) yet she looks at our relationship and mocks it, by saying only the first couple of months were good...well what about the next year and a half before I cheated.

 

I think you're right, I do need to take time and think about it...the joke is she's considering the same thing right now because I'm in a group with girls...she doesn't want to get hurt. I just know we're gonna go around in circles...neither of us have the courage to break it, it's been nearly 5 years, we were both 16 when we started going out....we don't know anything outside this relationship...

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everyone says that and I guess maybe we're both too young but it never felt like that before. Things I've wanted and perhaps needed to do have been put off, like going to the Uni I wanted to...it was too far, yet she was okay with moving away from me. I was gonna take a gap year and travel, that went out the window too. Maybe it's not too late though.

 

Anyway, thanks

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everyone says that and I guess maybe we're both too young but it never felt like that before. Things I've wanted and perhaps needed to do have been put off, like going to the Uni I wanted to...it was too far, yet she was okay with moving away from me. I was gonna take a gap year and travel, that went out the window too. Maybe it's not too late though.

 

Anyway, thanks

 

No problem. This is what this forum is for.

 

But it's never too late to do what you want to do. It's your life, not hers, do things for yourself and everything else will fall into place.

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It's been nearly 5 years, we were both 16 when we started going out....we don't know anything outside this relationship...

 

Lots of relationships don't survive the transition from teen to twentysomething - They come to a natural end because we start to wonder about our options, things we might have missed. I think you know that you can't be expected to meekly accept conditions out of guilt for ever.

 

It's not easy, but I think it's time for the make-or-break 'big talk'. You say you feel nothing - that's because you're falling into depression.

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well on the upside I managed to get the other girl to talk to me!!! should I be smiling like I am...I don't care, finally somethings made me happy. i've lost plenty of friends in these two years, a couple of them i wasn't allowed to talk to cos they were at the same college as I was when I cheated and so my GF sees them as bad influences on me. This girl though is a breath of fresh air in my life, even if can just keep her as a friend it would make me happier than I've been in a long time.

 

I've kinda fallen in and out of depression for a while, this situation hasn't helped at all of course...I just don't think I can pluck up the courage to break, and I say 'break' cos I know it won't work, my heads just not in the relationship, nor is my heart. An update though...she's accepted that I have to work with these two girls, but doesn't want me to give my number or take theirs, and also I'm not supposed to talk with any other girl...plus constant updates will be required. I'm so whipped I know, i can't get out of this cycle....

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