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OK - Despritely need advice


Vinnie
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OK. I would never do this, but I am at a total loss in how to save the most perfect relationship in the world. -- Here's the story. I met this girl, and fell in love with her after about a month of being together almost everyday. We decided to move to a new city together, and live together. Everything went great for a year or so. We did everything together, it was paradise. Then she started making friends, which I thought was great. We would all hang out together, and party together. Then she met some other friends and I was no longer invited to met at the bars after work and stuff. I thought this was OK at first. (All the friends are guys). Then she started not coming home at night. Each time she said she was sorry. She got drunk and could not drive. I thought it was very bad that she would sleep somewhere else, but she tells me she never cheated. However, to me even sleeping over and not having sex is still kind of cheating. It is also hard for me to truly believe that nothing would ever happen. It continued to happen more and more, each time I told her that I thought it was not the way to treat a relationship and she agreed. I told her I could not deal with it, and it had to stop. She agreed. Then it happened again (after about six months of increasing) and I blew up, and got my own apartment telling her I just couldn't handle it anymore, but did not want it to be over. I thought it could give her time and space to think. We have since been able to talk more then ever before. She tells me she loves me, wants to be together, wants to live together. But she doesn't do anything about it. I love her with all my heart, and never wanted to leave, but I just couldn't deal with not knowing if she wanted or was coming home each night. I have been holding on to a wedding ring for many months because I do want to marry this girl, but I can't if I can't trust that she wants to be with me. I never asked her to give up her friends. I only asked her to come home at nights, and wished we all could be friends. I don't want to loose her. She has said "maybe we took things to fast" "maybe we took things too slow" she just doen't know. To me that isn't much of an answer, she can't tell me how fast or slow we should go now. I want to fix everything, and get married, but I can't figure out how to do it. Each day that passes I feel I lose her more and more. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you,

Lost in Love

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I know what you mean by wanting to marry the girl... I cannot blame you. It seems to me thought that your heart is short circuiting your brain. You have to realize that it appears that she doesn't want to be with you because she is totally disregarding your feelings. I think this is the first sign of transgression.

I'm not going to tell you to heartlessly cut her out of your life and to once and for all get over it... that's just being bitter.

I believe that she thinks that you are somewhat of a safe haven in the world of unknowns... she knows you will always be there and she knows that by your actions you will want her no matter what happens. You have to make her doubt that. You have to make the situation a more of a "what-if".

You have done that when you got your own place to some extent. You gave her a little "what-if" when you did that. For example:

 

What if he's seeing someone else.

What if he doesn't want to move back in.

 

My suggestion to you is not to be so predictable. For example; if she expects you to be home alone on Saturday, don't be. If she expects you to call at a certain time, don't. If she expects you to drive by and check up on her, don't. If she expects to hear how you love her and want her back, don't say it. Make her guess.

Tell her that you will not continue to live in doubt and frustration. Tell her you are tired of being alone. You have noticed that a big motivator is her absense... be absent yourself.

You cannot be blamed for being a caring person and you cannot be blamed ever if it is found out by her that you are not alone and you are with someone else. You cannot be made to feel guilty about that because you told her that you wanted her and you didn't want to be alone and yet she left you alone.

Make her doubt what you two have... if she moves on and away it was never meant to be. Remember, things happen for a reason.

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Hi there,

 

Maybe there is an element of the situation that you are missing. I am thinking that there are one of two things going on. She is either having affairs in your relationship...(I was a private investigator for several years, and every time....every time I was employeed to follow a spouse to see if they were having an affair, they were!) People just know deep down inside. You know too.

 

Or, if there is confused messages and you think this isn't the case, you are mentioning her activities involve the bar a lot. This doens't always mean another man, but indeed could involve another lover....drugs. Have you considered she may have a problem like that? That would keep her out all night, not wanting to come home messed up. Are you familiar with people and addictions? Just another angle to consider.

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