Fiance has mixed feelings after engagement.. Help

[frzajuve]

I have been dating her for 4.5 years and we have been living together for 1.5 years. Have invested in together to ensure a bright future and made many moves to look forward to.

 

I proposed to her in europe and when we got back she got right into the wedding planning. After about 2 weeks she suddenly stoped and we were both overwhelmed with the planning so we decided to pick a later date and move slower through the process.

 

She has been acting weird latley and she decided to get away for a weekend by herself as she did not know if she was ready for commitment she was getting cold feet. I had gotten the same feeling before engagement but realized all that we had and the true love i felt for her. I clearly wanted to make her my companion for life through thick and thin good and bad.

 

After she got back i wanted to discuss her feelings she finally confessed that she had feelings for someone else. She received a phone call 1 week prior to us leaving on vacation and the guy knew that she was dating me and that we were serious but quickly spoke to her and let her know that he was waiting for her and he really loves her. She was shocked and shruded it off. After we came back he sent her a few emails and called her a few times to discuss his feelings towards her. They never were together just friends and they havent seen eachother in 5 years. She admited to me that she has feelings for him but never thought he felt the same. The only thing that remained in her mind was that the last time they saw eachother he said Wait for me.

 

She told me that she has had dreams of this individual and they seemed real and not like a fantasy. She tells me that it just has shocked her and she is trying to find out if she is ready for commitment if this through her off track this quickly. I am so confused and lost. I am much better now that she told me and she said she needs time to sort out her feelings. She told me that he was the only one that could have stoped her in her tracks and it happened at the perfect time. She is worried if this is a sign to not go ahead and marry me?? please help in this situation. She tells me that she loves me alot and that i am amazing in how i am taking this and i deserve much better. I want to make things work but i dont think i can do anymore as this is out of my control... please help

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As far as I am concerned I think you should break off the engagement and kick her out. It is a huge insult that some guy chases after her and now she thinks she has been in love with him all this time...what does that make you..someone she was simply settling for because she couldn't have this other guy. This is unacceptable and very insulting to you. If she needs time then give her a big dose of reality and end things and throw her out so she can sit and ponder her naval or run to this fantasy and find out that she lost a great guy in order to chase after a fantasy.

[orangesoda]

I sort of agree with Crazyaboutdogs...

 

You built a history of 4.5 years together, lived together for 1.5 during that time. You proposed, she accepted.

 

And now she's willing to throw all of that away because of a couple phone calls and an email from someone in her past from 5 years ago?

 

That is not commitment.

 

At the very least, you need to break off the engagement. Right now, there is no foundation for a lasting marriage.

 

I think what has happened is that your fiance is trying to have her cake and eat it too.

 

She did something incredibly disrespectful:

 

She took you and your marriage proposal and asked that you sit in the back seat. So she can have some time to 'think'? That is not the right way to start a marriage.

 

Call off the engagement. I know you have no doubts about your love or commitment to her.

 

But you should have doubts about her love and commitment to you.

[frzajuve]

My problem is that I understand what she is going through. I would be shocked and stunned if a girl that I had feelings for in the past suddenly made there way into my life wiith a sudden move like that. She says that she feels it may be a sign that we should not move forward. She tells me that this just opened her eyes and not to think that she is choosing one of us. I am starting not to believe that and I think I'm right, because it would have never occurred if it was another guy. This is a guy that she always had feeliings for and now he has responded by sharing same feelings for her wheb things are moving to the next level. I have remained optomistic and she is looking and feeling much better that she has told me. I don't want to loose this girl but I also don't feel l like I am "the one" anymore as she has showed me that he was the one she always had feelings for, had vivid dreams about them about once a year. I don't know how to take all of this ??

[richmonder80]

Love forgives all, love doesn't judge, and love does not vapor in bad times...I am sorry to hear of what is going on with you and your fiance/gf. As you have pointed out, you love her and to give up passively would be a regret, in my opinion. You have to let everything out on. You need to lay your most inner feelings about her on the table so that there is no doubt or confusion about how you feel about her and the future you want to have with her. Then it is completely up to her to decide what is best for her. You need to have NC and let her have her space. It will be extremely difficult, you will feel depressed, alone, and lost but the only way for her to realize, whether it be being with you or with the other guy, she has to make that choice alone or she will always doubt the "what if".

 

Tell her that you will give her space. But while you give her space, take this time to get your self back together and mentally prepare yourself for the worst case senerio. Although if she chooses the other guy, you are losing someone you thought you wanted to marry but in all honesty, you saved yourself from even a bigger heart break. What if you guys did get married and she walks out on you?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She feels better for telling you! How very kind of her! Like I said, if she thinks this other guy is more suitable I would suggest you drop out of her life...don't even allow her to contact you...let her make her own bed and deal with the consequences.

[frzajuve]

I'm still lost and so confused. She tells me that its not about the other guy although he presented himself right now. Its about other doubts she's had about us for a while. I'm ready to put up with her and her family and all that life throws at us as long as we are together and united. She is not feeling that right now. She tells me that she loves me, I'm her best friend but right now she does not know if she is willing to put up or accept my side of things.

 

She questioned what we should do at this point its been a week that's she's told me this news. She says that she wishes she never felt this way bu the way that she is feeling she cannot get married.

 

She says she is not numb but is being real. As I mentioned before we live together so what shall we do?? Do we give it time and see if she comes around. She is being honest with me everyday about her feelings. She said what if in 6 months I feel the same way. Then what do we do. I hope that she comes around. Is there anything I can do at this point??

[FreedomRing]

This is what would make me reconsider marriage planning, and pause the relationship for sure!

[lovealways88]

You seem like an honest person. I think that you should reconsider before you take the huge marriage step. Marriage is important and should require both of you giving your all. And from what it sounds like she is not ready to give her entire self to you. She is being selfish and I think that you deserve so much better.

I am sure that you have had past loves, mostly everyone does. BUT would you let them come in the way of your love for her? When you think about it this way, this is what she is doing to you.

I know its hard because you two have been together for so long, but unfortunately time does not measure up with commitment.

There is always another person out there for you if you feel this one isn't right. It may take some time but you will find that special someone who loves you and only you, without any doubts.

[frzajuve]

This is what it has come down to. Who does she choose.. She has build a strong relationship with commitment and love with me but says that the romance part started to fade. She says what she feels for this person in strong feelings and would be hard to turn away from that not knowing how would that be.

 

I want her to decide who it will be as this is very hard on me especially because we live together. We have been extremely open at this point and she mentioned what if she went to go se this person.. maybe then she would get an answer...

 

What do you guys think about that.. I dont want to have any regrets in this relationship and i feel like this may give us the answer good or bad. ???

[tictactoe2006]

I think you should do the following:

1) take back the ring

2) pack her things

3) leave them outside

4) change your locks

 

Seriously dude..........seriously. At this point, IF she deigns to marry you, she will obviously have all the power. Can you really live your life knowing that at any time, if things are not 100% her way, everything can be brought down around you?

 

Life is too short. She should not have accepted the ring if she was not sure that you were 'the one'.

[talo]

This is what it has come down to. Who does she choose.. She has build a strong relationship with commitment and love with me but says that the romance part started to fade. She says what she feels for this person in strong feelings and would be hard to turn away from that not knowing how would that be.

 

I want her to decide who it will be as this is very hard on me especially because we live together. We have been extremely open at this point and she mentioned what if she went to go se this person.. maybe then she would get an answer...

 

What do you guys think about that.. I dont want to have any regrets in this relationship and i feel like this may give us the answer good or bad. ???

 

I have not lived with my exwife for over 20 years but still have feelings for her when I (rarely) think about her. Feelings are merely a reflection of what one is thinking.

 

She is thinking (feeling) that there is not enough romance in your relationship. Sooner or later in the maturing process this 'heady stuff' quite naturally reduces and one adjusts to this. But she is not adjusting, she is continuing to 'want romance'.

 

What she will find in the long run is that the romance fades anyway. This is not to say that love fades; true love is not really emotional, it simply is.

 

As for yourself, you appear to be quite tolerant and understanding. May I suggest you continue to be embedded in these qualities; they are your strength. As seen here, in truth you can do nothing else; love is not ownership, it is allowing, and you are allowing her to work herself out.

 

In the short run you may appear to 'go through it' but your heart is in the right place - within you. The heart only appears to 'go out' and thus get emotional. But in truth it does not move. In the long run a still steady heart is appreciated. It is a matter of how long it will take for her to appreciate this, and how long you can tolerate this lack of appreciation.

 

With best wishes,

[frzajuve]

This fourm has been helping me and I will keep posting. Today was rough in the morning but through disussion with co workers it was better

I went out to dinner with her and held all disussions about this topic. I mentioned to her that its hard for me not to talk about it. She immediately responded saying that she is overwhelmed with all of this and can't take it. She said that when she finds out her answer she will let me know. And if I can't wait for an answer I'm free to go. How do I take this one??

[tictactoe2006]

Keep us posted. PErsonally, I think you should take the ring back and rid yourself of everything you have that belonged to her.

[frzajuve]

I dont know whats going on anymore.. all i know is that im at the end of my rope..

 

She said that this situation is too easy for her because possible i have not been hard on her enough and this is why its taking her long to make a decision. I stayed in the home and have been trying to provide support but i guess that is the wrong thing to to as it went un appreciated.

 

She mentioned that maybe if she went to see the person she would realize if its me or him but she does not really want to do that as it would hurt me. She mentioned maybe we should spend a few weeks apart from eachother to have see how her feeling react if she misses me etc. She may be moving in with her friend for a few weeks to try and help her realize what she really wants.. she would rather do that first than go see this guy..

 

It seems everything i do is wrong there should have been another way of doing it its crazy. For instance tomorrow i have my christmas party for work which i mentioned was this weekend a few weeks ago. I told her today that it is tomorrow that i am going and she got so upset as to why i didnt tell her or remind her as she would have made plans to go away. By go away i mean to her family or friends which live in her home town 1.5 hrs away. I mean.. i would only be gone for a few hours.. is their a real reason to get upset. I have a ticket to a stag for tonight which i decided not to go as i would be going out tomorrow... am i being too good, i dont feel appreciated and shes getting mad at nothing really. its not like i ruined her weekend. She was getting upset at the fact that i told a few people about my situation co workers and clients but i need to talk to someone.. i can keep it all inside.. i advised her to speak to someone but she says she doesnt want any influence in this decision as no one would understand her.. ?? so confused..

 

A

thanks for all replys .. you guys are helping me through this tough time.. I had a temporary band for the ring which then she chose the band she wanted when we go back from europe. It came in this week so i took the ring from her as i had to get the diamond instaled on the new band, I came home and wanted to show her but she started crying and said she didnt want to see it. I placed the ring in the closet in the box in came in and told her a few things. I mentioned that the ring had her name on it, it was chosen for her the way she wanted it .. i said this ring will never go to another woman and would only get sold if things didnt work out. I said you dont have to wear it as you clearly do not know if you want to be with me but its in the closet and will remain there. If you feel that you can put it on and wear it then you know where it is..

[beeter64]

This fourm has been helping me and I will keep posting. Today was rough in the morning but through disussion with co workers it was better

I went out to dinner with her and held all disussions about this topic. I mentioned to her that its hard for me not to talk about it. She immediately responded saying that she is overwhelmed with all of this and can't take it. She said that when she finds out her answer she will let me know. And if I can't wait for an answer I'm free to go. How do I take this one??

Please listen to me. Please let her go.She doesn't deserve you. My fiance jerked me around like this and I put up with it. Years later he left for the other woman. Nine years we were together and he threw it all away for a married woman who was unhappy in her marriage. They live together now. I regret not kicking him to the curb everyday. Don't give her another chance to break your heart. Tell her if she cannot make a decision, you can and run! Don't walk...run!Take it from me, you won't regret it.

[frzajuve]

Things seemed to be getting a bit better as she said she was seeing things a little bit clearer but still was wondering if we could get over something like this. We tried twice to make love but both times she just said she couldnt, she told me that she just cant do it.. Feels really bad when someone is naked and you are kissing massaging and literaly on top of her and nothing occurs as she just cant. It definitly hurts.. she tells me to please try and understand.

 

Im not sure what to do but i do know that i am building resent and building anger inside.. something that is not naturally in my nature. She says she wants to come to a resolution quickly and wishes this never happened. I told her not to look at me the way i may be acting lately cold and angry as this is a reflection of how im feeling at the moment and she wants me to understand not to judge her the way she is right now.

 

She brought up other problems in our relationship such as not picking up my slack all the time, and the fact that we have a problem in the bedroom. She says that i just dont know what she wants and just the way i go about getting into sex is wrong. She says i just dont get her in the mood for her to really want it.. She says i dont know how to romance her, and that im more worried about me than her.. I have noticed that the last few months she has not been really into it and it definitly sucks as i feel like its not what she wants.. i really dont know what she wants.. during the act she says its great but getting to it is not good... i dont know what else i can do. ?

 

I have also decided that if she is not making up her mind about staying with me or not I may have to make the decision..

[ducman996s]

get rid of that person

you need a better woman

[frzajuve]

What a week i just had.. I was at the end of my rope and was going to make a decision if she didnt have one because im only human and can only take so much...

 

On Monday, she approched me crying and telling me that she cant take this anymore. That ever since this other guy came into her life it has been nothing but creating problems.. She told me that she made a decision and that decision was to be with me.. It was very emotional and I asked her if she was sure and that this could never happen again... she agreed and said that this was over between the both of them.. she said it would take some time to heal the wound but she made her decision to be with me. I asked her if she would take the ring back and she said yes.. she said that it was mine and i had to want to give it back to her.. so i did.. again another really emotional moment. There has been no lovemaking as it was that time of the month for her and i understood that.

 

During the week she told me that she spoke to this other guy and made it clear to him that she choose me and not to wait around. She also said that this would mean that they could not talk to eachother anymore and he had the same idea.. I know it may have been hard for her to do this but she had to do it..

 

Just yesterday, she was studying for an exam which she had this morning. She also had a very bad week at work threatning to quit because of a big issue. I know it has been a very complicated and emotional week for her. I knowticed something was wrong.. so i asked.. and she said nothing . so i asked again and she said " i just dont know". What she was referring to was marrying me!! I had made it clear that when she accepted the ring back that we would start from the basics again and work slowly not jump into anything but take our time. It hurt me so much to hear that...She is telling me again that its just not right and that she cannot marry me. I asked why did you take the ring back.. she said i wanted to because i want to be with you but i havent been feeling it eversince.

 

I think she is still trying to get over this other guy.. she said this is not fair for me as she still has feelings for this other person who she hasent seen in 5 years. She said its hard to explain but she feels like she just broke up with him without even dating him ever.. It happened to me once that i had strong feelings for a girl that i was talking to and when i found out she was dating someone else i felt like she had dumped me.. although i never dated her..

 

Again i find myself so confused and stranded for answers. She says that she is in no state of mind to make any decisions and it has to come naturally. I told her that it involves wanting it and putting effort into it.. She says that i am trying to move to fast and am not giving her space or time. She says that she cannot make love to me she just dosnt feel it. I would also find it akward making love to her because its been so long almost 2 months.

 

What is my next step here guys.. i feel like we still are hanging on to a string.

 

Thanks for all resonses you guys are really helping me deal with this situation.

 

 

A

[frzajuve]

Im going crazy and at the end of my rope.. Im trying to be there for her but its killing me as its taking way too long. She went away for the weekend to see her mom. Just to get away and relax. Last night we became intimate and it led to love making. It had been the first time in 2 months. I felt like we needed to make love as it is a key component of a relationship and maybe it was the missing piece of the puzzle. We had tried twice previously but she didnt feel comforatable. Anyways, after the love making session she immediately turned herself the other way and fell asleep. I knew something was wrong. I felt a little un comfortable in the situation as well because of the lentgh of time and emotions that we had felt in that time. I asked her this morning what was wrong and she said that it just didnt feel right. She said she had hoped she would have felt different after. I asked her if she felt she was cheating on him. She said in a weird way yes.. She said its because she its still not 100% about her decision. What are my next steps.. i thought this moment would have brought back alot of good feelings and emotions... i guess i was wrong...

[frzajuve]

I have moved to my cousins house for a few nights.. Couldnt take staying there everyday with someone who is still not sure. She mentioned to me that she may not be marriage material, its because of her parents divorce they screwed her up. She says that she is the type that will screw up any man she is with thereforee she should be alone.

 

Its hard and not exactly the most comfortable experience living with my cousin because its not my home. I appreciate the fact that the door was open for me and i could stay as long as i would like.

 

I wanted to do this because christmas is next week and i could not fake being around each others families. This would be our first christmas being engaged and im not gonna sit there as if all is ok.

 

Im not sure that she will have an answer before christmas. People seem to believe that it would take alot longer than that maybe a few months of not seeing eachother.. any suggestions???