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Hurting, scared, LC and NC with a CHILD???


RkyMtnScott

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I want my spouse/ marriage back, and for things to work.

 

I managed to find this site by searching something on Google along the lines of "how to tell if she wants me back" and came accross the thread Sparkie started. My wife, and dear friend of 11 years left me. I am a lawyer and recently left law to pursue teaching (which is what she does) in hopes of taking a large portion of the stress out of life which has led to unhappiness. I am making significantly less because I am in an "entry level position" Anyhow, she was tired of the "emotional roller coaster" and left. We are juggling two homes now, hemmoraging money, and I am going through all the typical grief stages. She has truly turned a cold shoulder.

 

Here is why I am posting, I have read several threads, I appreciate the LC and NC debate. I have been reading lots of books, seeing counsillors on my issues and the break up, but we have a two year old daughter in the mix. She is obviously hurting from the strange changes between mommy and daddy, and I am afraid to death of a NC route leading to a permanent seperation. I WANT THIS relationship to work...yes, it took a two by four against the skull to show me what was truly important.

 

The desperation must be greater because of wanting the family back together!

 

I have been a bear to live with for 6 months, self pity about jobs, nothing nice to say...but in truth, I am a kind person. I just got on a downward spiral beginning with a poorly chosen career.

 

I am hurting so much and really scared.

 

scott

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For a reconciliation to work, you both have to want to work on it, and feel like the marriage is worth saving. Have you suggested that the two of you attend marriage counseling, to either help you resolve your problems, or help smooth the transition to divorce if she is really set on that?

 

You also need to shift to practical realities now, like financial problems. If you quit a high paying job and can't afford two homes, then you need to start making arrangements to deal with that. Don't make any financial plans based on assumptions that you might get back together, just make them based on the reality of the situation now.

 

You said you had a poor career choice... was that the legal career, or the switch to teaching that was a poor choice? If you made a wrong choice to teach, then start looking for a return to your law career. But if the teaching career is what you want, just put your attentions onto that, and you will get the hang of it once you get used to it, and learn to live on a lesser income. But make adjustments in what you spend to address the lower income.

 

You can't go NC because you have a child, but should try to keep your LC light and as pleasant as possible with no emotional scenes, if she has said she is sick of emotional roller coaster. She is more likely to come back if she sees you being positive and misses you, rather than begging or pleading or pushing her away with too much emotion.

 

Try to get her to attend family counseling together in order to co-parent your child together, and perhaps that could lead to some marriage counseling that might help resolve things one way or another.

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I can totally understand what you are going through Scott

 

Im in the middle of the same thing, what I can suggest to you is to focus on yourself and your child because that's what is most important. you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink.

 

If your ex has made up her mind there is no changing it and ultimately its her choice and she will have to live with those choices, offering counseling etc is a great step but again its her choice my ex refused all attempts at reconciliation counseling etc even for co parenting.

 

At some point you need to take a look at the facts, if you offer these things and she is un receptive and only talks about working it out etc but makes no effort then as sad and painful as it is you will need to step back.

 

I tried diligently for 7 months to work things out with my ex but by that time she had moved on and was keeping me as her back up telling me that yes she wanted to work it out no we were not seing other people etc but it was all "monkey syndrome"

 

I can relaite to your analogy of being smacked by a 2x4 sometimes life does this to wake us up but be assured it will do the same to her and it will not feel nice

 

 

My counsliors told me to go the NC route because I was not healing with her contacting me on a regular bases and not looking into what was real and fantasy its been 15 days NC for me she has tried several times sighting we need to communicate for our child but its not, its because she wants to make sure Im still there and have her control

 

 

A journal in the bag passed back and forth works well write only child related stuff nothing personal and treat her like a cashier or business associate

 

 

Sometimes during a separation you need MORE separation

 

I feel better in the last 15 days than I have in SO LONG because Im looking at myself do I still love my ex yes do I still want a marriage and family yes do I see it happening no.

 

because it takes TWO totaly commited people to make that happen and when its only one person well whats the sound of one hand clapping???

 

 

your child will get through this and adapt to the new life as long as your healthy and whole in yourself if you are worried about the ex what is lost etc your child will feel this even if you don't verbalize it.

 

Our son is just over two he started going through this around two years old so if you need or want any advice as to what to expect etc PM me

 

Keep your head up and focus on the positive remember it took two to get here and would take two to get out

 

Blessings

Scott

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All your responses are helping tremendously. Just knowing I am not unique in what has been the most ndreadful 2 weeks of my life.

 

HOW can I convince her to come to marrital counseling? I set one appt. and requested she come, but honored her refusal and went by myself. What is an effective way to convince her to come along? Just telling her it will make divorce/ co-parenting easier? is there anything more "upbeat" or positive? Is this making sense? I will try anything. I see that i have a depression issue, and I am no stranger to challenges and working hard. I am soooooooo willing to do that, but she cannot trust me, I suppose. Counsiling might really make her slow down and take a second look.

 

again, help???

 

scott

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Of course you can't make her go if she doesn't want to, but if you tell her it is family counseling to help transition to sharing parenting of your daughter in an amicable way, she might attend.

 

But if the separation is fresh, she just may need some breathing space. Give her a chance to miss you and your life together. If she says no now, tell her that it is a standing offer to go, and that you would really appreciate it if she would go, and if she changes her mind, you'd like her to tell you so you can go together.

 

In the meantime, continue counseling on your own to help you thru this difficult time.

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