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breakup - crushed - Im lost now


Brig

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Hello everybody. I'm new here. I need a place to get this off my chest.

 

Everything is just so tough. I was with my girl for 3 years. We were engaged. Two days ago the relationship ended. The way everything happened was very odd actually. Her family lives in Texas. I'm from Utah though I had been living in Texas for several years. I wasn't a huge fan of it and so we planned to move to Utah and get married.. that was supposed to be a month ago.. Anyways, through the whole time, the relationship was great. She was my dream girl. I couldn't imagine anyone better for me. She was so good to me and I was so good to her. It was amazing. We always agreed on our plans, she was very sure about everything. We talked about it alot and she was very reassuring me that it's what she wanted. Well anyways, the day before we were supposed to leave, she has a nervous breakdown and just can't do it. She says she's not ready for everything. We breakup and I leave to Utah. I was crushed. Well, she gets back in contact with me a week or so after and says she can't live without me and apologizes sincerely and wants to give it another shot. She wants to hold off for a couple of weeks cuz she wants to wrap up loose ends around there and get prepared and everything so we get a plane ticket that was for a couple days ago. Honest to God, 4 hours before the flight she freaks out again and has a panic attack and doesn't board the plane. She's tried to contact me once or twice since then just texting to say how ashamed she is and sorry she is. I have not been in contact back. Her mom did get in touch with me to apologize for how screwed up she is and tells me she is going to try to get her some help. Well of course that's no consolation to me, my relationship is over with the woman I loved so much and I have major trust issues with her now. I just can't trust her. I'm here though, not to ask for advice on how to proceed with my ex. It's over and that's that. I'm here more so for help coping with it. This has affected me so bad. I am not the same person I used to be. I'm so lost, disoriented. I'm so depressed. My self esteem has been shattered. All I wanted was for this to happen. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. I don't even know how to date, I'd be such a fool at it. I don't know how to meet new people, and just having moved to Utah, I don't really know very many people. I keep thinking about her and I feel so empty. I feel so undesirable and I used to feel good about myself. I just don't think I'm ever going to find the right one. I thought she was it. We got along so well. I feel like the only way I'll ever end up with anyone now is if I settle. I'm definently not a clingy guy but I have lost so much of my social skills cuz I never had to worry bout it. I was involved and it was just us. We both really liked staying at home. Anyways, I need this grueling pain to go away. It might not be so bad if I didn't feel so lost and hopeless. I wasn't ready to be single. I want to have a partner. I don't want this. Anyways, thanks for listening. Ask me anything.

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Aww. Breaking up is so hard. I can't imagine having someone commit to me (you guys were engaged) and then be unwilling to make a life step towards being together (moving to Utah together).

 

Are you sure you want this to be the end though. Like would you be willing to compromise on something. Like why Utah? Could you guys pick somewhere between the two states to live? She's obviously afraid to leave all her family and friends. Would you consider going to be with her in Texas for another 6 months or something if she agrees to therapy to help her cope with moving?

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Well I would if it would work but I left out some details about her family to keep the post size short, which was partial reason we were living the state. We just picked Utah cuz I was familiar with it, it didn't necesarily have to be Utah. I'll try to keep this short. The family is pretty dysfunctional. Her grandfather is actually a famous country christian artist so he has a lot of money and is pretty influential. Her grandfather and grandmother actually control the way the whole family lives their lives, meaning that they tell the parents how to raise the kids and all the family members work for him with CD distribution and office work etc.. anyways, if anyone in their family breaks form, the will actually cut them off and kick them out of the family so to speak. It's so bad.. and to top it off.. this is where it gets really weird, my ex's mom married her dad out of pressure from the grandparents because they liked him. She is very miserable and just got locked in. So everyone just kindof runs around doing what their told. Well for some reason the grandparents don't want her involved with anyone and I mean anyone, it's so weird.. but that put a lot of negative pressure on our relationship. Otherwise it was perfect. Anyways, it turns out that she freaks out because she scared of upsetting the grandparents and the family. She's scared to death of them, she just can't take the plunge. It's over.. trust me.. I'm more interested in talking about coping than reconciliation. Hope that clairifies things

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Well Brig,

 

You've come to the right place. It sounds like your ex has psychological issues. Almost seems like she can't leave Texas. Here's the best way to get back into the swing of things. Do what you like and no that doesn't give you license to play video games smoke pot and party.

 

Look at this as an opportunity. You are free to do what you want to do for you. You don't have to answer to anyone.

 

I miss my ex all the time and most of my friends are married and are starting families. So it's hard as my social circle usually consists of married couples.

 

On the bright side you can do what you want with having to be certain places. You can save money up and travel, get a graduate degree, buy a kick ass stereo, save for a home.

 

If you do what you like socially you meet someone who is a good fit.

 

Start working out and if you are already then work out more and make workout goals.

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If you're sure it's 100% over then I agree with 411 - you need to use this as an opportunity to better yourself. I think it'd be best if you keep no contact with her for a while so you can heal. Any conversations with her now would be bitter and upsetting. Your first post mentioned now you feel insecure and empty. What made you happy before your relationship? Aim towards re-finding some hobbies you had to compromise with during your relationship. Don't be so hard on yourself. Woman to man - you're definitly not unattractive. If you're not a regular gym-goer, start to. Working out in a public place makes it impossible to sit at home in your own filth and dwell. Plus, you get to release your frustrations and enjoy the endorphines.

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Brig - If you knew all this then you kinda have to support her. My girl or ex at the moment has all kinds of issues and I LOVE HER with all my heart and want to help her through the issues. True love knows no bounds. I know your hurt and feel like S**T but I can tell from your words your not over her.

 

If you truly want this over just carry on with your life and live for you. Someone will come into it when you least expect. As almost everyone will tell you it ain't ever easy. I am in hell and in so much pain right now but it's not the first time. I sure hope it's the last but even that I cannot control. Your call man but if you love this woman you need to be there for her. The mental manipulation of her family is not her fault and she needs some help to break the hold. Blood is thicker than water. Good luck man....

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Brig. I understand that you are hurting right now and that your trust and pride has been shattered. You were ready to make a huge step and commit to another person in the most serious way. having all of this denied, of course must hurt a lot.

 

But I don't think you are currently in a position to make a real decision about the future of this relationship. You sound a bit too adament about this being the end, more like a protective reaction, rather than the result of a bit more distance analysis of your feelings and your relationship.

 

Reading about the family background of your gf, I realize that this must be a huge, HUGE thing for her. Leaving behind the family traditions with which she was raised. Even if she has been willing and wanting to get out of that and start a new life with you, being faced with the reality of it (with your move), must be a serious emotional stressor for her. People do foolish things, when they are under emotional pressure. And this type of situation is barely imaginable for most people. Her insecurity and panic has most likely NOTHING to do with you and her feelings/love for you.

 

If you have truly loved her in the past and you truly believed that she was the woman you wanted to spend your life with, do not push her away now that she is facing this extremely difficult hurdle, that she is only facing because she wanted to be with you. You had to give up only your familiar surroundings, she has to give up her background, her known value system - that is so much harder to do.

 

Try to give her the time and space to work through her issues, fear, and panic without immediately closing the door on a potential future with her. Do not add this extra pressure on her. I am not saying you should be with her right now, but tell her that you understand the pressure she is under and that you will give her time to sort out what she really wants and that she can call you once she has worked through things and that you will take it from there

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Thankyou for the advice, all of you. You're right, I'm not over her but I know it's not going to happen with us. If I knew there's something I could do to help, wait, whatever, I would but I don't even know if it's ever going to change. Heck, her mother has been locked into this since she was 15, she's now 40. She knows it but only now is she actually considering trying to break free. Apparently what happened between my ex and I helped her to realize just how messed up things are and what it did to her and her daughter. Today's pretty rough, Im not gonna lie. I'm going through that stage where my mind wanders and I think irrational. But I'm not sure it's irrational. Sometimes I wonder if there's another guy. I wonder if the whole thing is a giant lie. The thought of her with someone else kills me. It's hard to cope.

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I wouldn't worry about another guy.

 

It is so, so hard to break away from tradition and behavioral patterns. As you said, she saw her mother all her life in this situation. Her brain has learned that that is how things are supposed to be. It is going to take a lot of time and energy and heartbreak to rewire her brain that a different life is ok, and that she deserves a different life.

 

I cannot predict if she is the one for you or that you should wait for her. As you say, there is no knowing how long it might take her to have the courage to make that one essential step away from this.

 

As bad as you feel now, you should be proud of yourself, if you at least have given her (and her mother) an incentive to rethink their situation and their behavior and their beliefs. Maybe that is/was the purpose of your relationship. And it's a wonderful thing to have made a significant contribution to somebodies life. Take strength from there. Good things do happen to good people in the end. You just have to keep up the faith in yourself

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Hey Brig

 

You will be all over the map whilst this is so fresh and raw and you will have some crazy thoughts rush through your head. Give it a week or two and things will settle down a bit for you and you will be able to see things a bit more clearly.

 

I know it hurts fella - just take things a day at a time for now, ok?

 

Mark

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Yea, maybe you're right, maybe I was a part of a bigger plan. I don't know. I'm ready to settle down. I don't want this. It's like I'm moving in the opposite direction I wanted to. It felt good to have someone there.

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Yea, maybe you're right, maybe I was a part of a bigger plan. I don't know. I'm ready to settle down. I don't want this. It's like I'm moving in the opposite direction I wanted to. It felt good to have someone there.

 

i feel your pain here bro, i delt with a hard break with a messed up situation over a year ago. I have had my fun but i still long once and a while to have someone. it will happen when you least expect it. You just gotta focus on you and becoming the person you need to be. it always helped me to think that when losing one good person in your life, now you are able to look forward to meeting an even better match. Im 27 and still never married or have kids. I proposed to try and save the relationship but it still didnt work and i knew it wouldnt. THings happen for a reason and although they suck at the time being, you never know why or how this happened and the good reason behind it.

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i feel your pain here bro, i delt with a hard break with a messed up situation over a year ago. I have had my fun but i still long once and a while to have someone. it will happen when you least expect it. You just gotta focus on you and becoming the person you need to be. it always helped me to think that when losing one good person in your life, now you are able to look forward to meeting an even better match. Im 27 and still never married or have kids. I proposed to try and save the relationship but it still didnt work and i knew it wouldnt. THings happen for a reason and although they suck at the time being, you never know why or how this happened and the good reason behind it.

 

Yea. I agree. I've actually been looking at it that way. This is so silly but you know, the biggest thing I've noticed that I'm so stressed about now is how much of my social skills I've lost. I've only been involved for the last 3 years but it's like I can't get back into the swing of meeting people again. It's like I totally lost my ability to date women. I've become shy. It's stressing me out to no end.

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GIGS has struck again! but honestly, was there any reason at all that may have played a part in her decision? mine had a spiritual epiphany and pretty much thought that if we were together she would always have that guilt and temptation. had to find that out myself because she would never say it to me straight up.

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GIGS=grass is greener syndrome. its when someone (usually a female) breaks up w/ someone for no major reason. you can tell this is happening usually when a dumper can't explain the reason themselves on why they broke off the relationship.

 

honestly, if someone loves you, they wouldn't care who's approval they lose.

 

i hope it works out for you, i'm in the same boat.

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