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Having it all ?


Gage

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Hello everyone. Im new to this board and hope to share and learn some things. I am a happily married father of 2 gorgeous little girls and my wife is one of a kind. Been married 10 years, together 14. Im in late 30's..very attractive(according to friends that is), I body build and will be competing next year. I am also very successful in my career which is Finance. All told, I'm a pretty upbeat guy( glass is always half full). My wife and I as most enjoyed a good healthy sex life in the beginning of our relationship. It was never overly passionate, yet it was fun and always enjoyable. After our second child we literally stopped cold turkey. Nothing for years. Some playing but for all intents and purposes we were both celebate.We had built a huge home and my wife was enjoying being a stay at home Mom. During that lapse in sex I had huge amount of stress but we always had lots of fun, my wife was always happy and strangley I was as well. After a while it just became too easy to postpone intimacy until after some time it just never came up. I cant explain it, but it just died. Fast forward until about 6 months ago when my wife decided to get implants. I was furious, hurt and it was a shock that oh no, what have we done? I failed as a man, my wife is now trying to improve herself( BTW she is hot and a body like no other )and I have completely lost control. I felt depressed, inadequate and blamed myself for all those years of not initiating like I should have. Well after much talk I made a deal with my wife. You can get the implants BUT we need to work on getting our sex life back. Literally 2 days later we had sex, she had an orgasm in 3 minutes and I felt fantastic. The problem now is I want it all the time and I get mad when she isnt in the mood. In fact I have asked on numerous occasions to just do oral on one another( I love that giving and recieving ) but she will not let me go down on her and she use to LOVE it when I did. Its at a point now where she tells me she feels obligated all the time to please me and its way too much work. I have become insecure, jealous and I was NEVER, EVER like that. Whats wrong with me. Even my parents and friends say I have changed. I love my wife more than anything in this world and will go to any lengths to fix whatevers wrong, I just dont know where to start.. Sorry for the length here...hoping some of the ladies can help. Thx

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Oh, an important piece. Many of my wifes friends are going through divorces and breakups. On top of this, there have been some occasions where I had difficulty performing( losing it too fast, or having trouble getting it hard enough) but its sporatic...this has also brought my ego way down, especially when I hear of my wifes girlfriends sex episodes with there new guys. My wife says she doesnt care and its me making a big deal out of it but I have a hard time believing that. She doesnt seem that into it and its the lack of her "desire" which kills me more than anything. I want to feel wanted, sexually, desired. Its like I feel I have to be a porn star in her eyes. Its driving me nuts.

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I'm not sure what the timeline is, but it sounds like you were very accommodating in terms of being accepting of your wife's lost sex drive. It seems that when you found out that she wants implants, you got insecure because you felt she was doing this to be more attractive to the opposite sex. I can understand how you would feel bad, since you're probably been repressing your own sexual needs, as well as the feelings of rejection, for many years (again, I'm assuming it's been years; I can't tell from your post).

 

I'm saying that I understand where you're coming from. I am a woman, but my therapist told me once that men get their self-esteem mainly from their work and from their sexual attraction. If that's true, your self-esteem has taken quite a hit. Aside from that, I know that for me, sex is a bonding experience, and without it, my relationship would be a lot less than it is. I think sex is very important to long-term relationships.

 

How often are you wanting to have sex? How often do you feel your wife (now that she's more willing) would like to have sex?

 

Would she be willing to get some sex therapy with you? I know it's exhausting to have small children, and many women lose their sexual urges, but she can get it back. I am thinking your girls are a little older now, which means your wife's energy might be better. Also, maybe doing things to give your wife a break would help her with the energy issue......

 

The bottom line is that-- implants or not-- if this problem is not fixed, you will probably stand a good chance of straying because people (and men, esp.) need to have their physical selves validated. So keep working toward a better sex life with your wife, and hopefully she'll see how important it is to both of you.

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Thx for the fast reply. Its so strange but I never, ever had an urge nor would I EVER be unfaithful to my wife. During our lapse which was 3 years plus..I was ok not having sex because I truly love my wife. It almost seemed that we were waiting for the other to show genuine interest but neither of us made a move...its so difficult to explain. Now, it seems i want it a) for mine and her pleasure but b) to see her desire for me. I feel like im 16 and im with a girl for the first time when im around her now.

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Maybe you have to start at the beginning, that is, romance her a little bit and take it slow? You didn't mention in your post if you had also stopped holding hands, hugging, giving a quick kiss goodbye before work? Maybe if you start introducing those things again slowly, you'll notice her responding more. I think that's what I would want if I was in your wife's position. Do you still go out to dinner and on "dates"? You could even plan to go away for a weekend somewhere, but when you do, not make it about sex but more about reconnecting on an intimate level.

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we just started holding hands again, hugging and going on dates. many times I will force myself not to even mention sex and just cuddle in bed..spoon my wife and just sleep...BUT..it seems the more i dont see her initiate, the more i dont do the "little" things I should ie...hug, kiss..it almost feels like i act this way out of spite...I mean what the hell is wrong with me?

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Well, that is why sexual problems are so hard, because there is that circular mentality of you not feeling like doing the things that would make her initiate, but it's those things that will make her eventually want to initiate. If that makes any sense.

 

You sound like you're starting to get into the realm of resentment. That's trouble. I would say that you just learn patience with this and realize that doing those small things will ultimately pay off. It's worth waiting for, I think.

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I hate to sound negative, but this is a big problem with a long history. I agree that "courting" her could help, but if she isn't responsive, you'll just become resentful and she'll respond with anger.

 

It's interesting how, when a person withholds sex, it becomes an act of power. Look how hard you're working to get her attention. In a way, she benefits from her actions, or lack thereof, while you become entrapped by trying to please her, again and again. She seems to be in complete control. I think that is highly unfair that she calls all the shots.

 

I am older, but I have learned how important sex is to men and to relationships, so I put everything I have into our sex life and then some. We both benefit in a beautiful way. A healthy sex life takes an effort on both sides, but both people need to acknowledge how important it is to express love through physical closeness (sex).

 

I just don't think it's fair when someone withholds sex. But if they do, they have to suffer the consequences. You've done all you can to express your needs-- and you're trying to give her attention and love-- what more in the world can you do???

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its amazing that a man could have it all...but desire from a woman or lack there of could bring us to our knees. I suppose that by not doing the little things that woman often need to build a desire its difficult for you to just put it out there unconditionally. I understand this. But, on occasion if women know and most often they do that there man needs to feel desired why not just do it..put the cart before the horse and see what happens.

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Stop beating yourself up. This is not your fault, unless I'm missing something. Your wife is foolish for not putting more into the physical aspect of your relationship. Yes, for now you can tolerate it, but really, over time it will take its toll even more than it has already.

 

You are not asking for too much. My current fiancee had a wife who became more like a roommate, and eventually it ended. Sex/love making is very, very important, and your wife needs to put in some effort. It is great that you've expressed yourself and you're trying to show your love in little ways. Other than that, what can you do?

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Yes I agree that sex shouldnt be used as power but it so often is. I have been so overly jealous lately that my wife sys I have changed from the more care free personality she fell in love with...what really freaked me out is my parents saying the same thing...that really hit me hard. We are thinking of speaking with a therapist yes...as for making out...not for a long, long, long time..she says its kind of weird because we were never really that way, which I have to say we were not. but we cuddle, scratch(tickle), hug...not as often as we used to but its improving.

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Does you wife have the ability to look at herself? To consider a situation from more than one angle? For her to simply say that you're overly jealous is to completely miss the entire story. She is complicit in your jealousy. You need to see that. Your parents don't get it; they aren't in it, so don't worry about them. Do you ever talk turkey to your wife? Gee, it seems like she's kind of self-centered. No offense.

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I know it seems that Im beating myself up, but Its difficult to explain the entire story online...I dont want to seem one sided...I have exhibited jealousy towards one of her friends for example...this friend was having an affair..I know the husband..he had known of the affair and they are now going through a divorce..but the thought of my wife speaking with this woman about her affair made me insane in light of our situation...I have also checked up on her several times while she was with a firend(s) even though she doesnt see her friends all that often...its things like this which by the way I never did before that my wife says turns her off.

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Not sure what the exact problem is but I have also been married for 9+ years together for 11 after we had our second child sex went downhill fast. I just think it's because raising kids takes a lot of chickas, especially if she is a stay at home mom which my wife was until recently. Dude it doesn’t matter how many times you tell your wife you think she is hot, chicks need to hear it from other people too. I think if your wife feels more attractive and has a little bit higher self esteem I think your sex life will turn around. I don't think it hurts to talk about sex with your wife but also be open to things. I am still learning myself and trying to figure out what will work and what will not. Just remember she has been a mom for a while now and she wants to feel like a woman. Good Luck,

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Thanks for the reply..good to know you have had a similar experience..having kids, married long time etc...maybe us guys go through a stage at a certain age where we need the feeling of desire from the women in our lives. many guys I know could care less if they are wanted by their wives..when they "get it" they get it and thats the end of it..but for me I need that feeling, I crave it....dont know what else to say.

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