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fireandwater
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
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This is my first post here, and I usually don't post personal things on the internet but I seriously feel very lost.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 1 year now. I am 20 she is 18(will be 19 in 2 months). I lover her very much and we have a very good relationship (we basically never fight and are very close, all the physical stuff is wonderful, etc.).

 

However, I am having major doubts. See she is a perfectionist. In absolutely everything. She is constantly putting herself down saying that she is lazy, stupid, useless, fat, ugly, and so on. She has basically no confidence in herself and has been crying a lot the past few months. I have suggested she see a therapist but she absolutely refuses and also refuses to talk to the priest at our church. Essentially she refuses all help from anyone except me.

 

I am a patient person and I have always dealt with this self-loathing she has and always tried to comfort her (though she often tries to push me away and says she doesn't deserve to be comforted), and have tried my hardest to show her what really matters in life and that she can't be so hard on herself. And unfortunately, it just hasn't worked. In fact, it seems that she has less confidence in herself and hates herself even more now than she did when we started dating.

 

Now she has told me over and over that I am the only good thing in her life. She has said that if she didn't have me, her life would be completely miserable. Now obviously because I love her I REALLY don't want to hurt her and am really afraid of what could happen if I broke up with her, but I am seriously starting to fear that I can't handle this much anymore. Practically every single day (usually at the end of the day), nomatter how happy she was earlier in the day, she retreats back into her loathing of herself. And it hurts me so much to see her like that, since I feel that 1) I should be enough for her to be happy and 2) it's my responsibility to instill within her confidence. But it just isnt' working.

 

So anyway, about 2-3 weeks ago I ran into a girl I met two years ago. We never have been friends or anything, but I was attracted to her when I first met her and unfortunately I found myself being attracted to her again. I haven't been able to get her out of my head for the past few weeks (nothing sexual though as I feel it is immoral to have sexual thoughts about others when in a relationship) and it's driving me crazy. So now I just dont' know what to do.

 

A big part of me wants to break up with my girlfriend and go ask that other girl out. If she says yes I would go on some dates with her and see what I feel. If I feel really happy with this new girl then I would stick with it, but if I found myself wanting my current girlfriend back I could go back to her (assuming she would take me back, which she probably would). In a way I almost feel like this is something I have to do in order to really figure out if I want to be with my girlfriend for the rest of my life. We have already talked of marriage once she got out of college ( I know, it's only been 11 months, but we are that close) but If I am to give my life to someone, I want to be absolutely sure of what im doing. And right now I'm not sure.

 

But of course, the big barrier stopping me...is that I am so afraid of hurting her. Just the idea of her crying in her bed all alone tears at my heart. And I just don't know what to do. I basically feel stuck and like nomatter what I do, someone loses.

 

Please help me.

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Have you talked to this other girl? Do you even know if she's single, and are you really sure she's worth breaking up with your gf? Well... actually that doesn't matter, cause if it isn't this girl, there will be other girls sooner or later that you will be attracted to, and you will feel trapped in your relationship cause you can't ask them out.

 

Well, you're both young, in my opinion it is still too young to have a serious commitment, and also I noticed that relationships within this age rank always turn more into addiction & co-dependency instead of a healthy, mature relationship.

 

I know exactly how you feel, I've felt this way too in my first relationship. He was a good guy, and he treated me right most of the time, but still I felt controlled, trapped and just not happy anymore, and I had to break up cause I couldn't go on like that. Same as you, we were very close, and for the first week after we decided to split, he wouldn't stop crying, I had to hold & comfort him all of the time, and yeah, it hurt me like hell. But he eventually got over it, and I'm happily single now, and he is happily engaged to another girl. And trust me, your girlfriend is going to get over it as well.

 

The fact that you are doubting & questioning things, already implies that you aren't very happy and that something is really wrong. If she was right for you, you wouldn't even think about leaving her!

 

So.. My advice, do what you feel is right, and yes, she will be hurt, but she will be more hurt if you continue a relationship that you aren't 100% happy in, and eventually cheat on her, or leave her for somebody else. You can't go through life walking on eggshells so you won't hurt anyone. You have to do what's right, regardless if it will cause pain to somebody. It's part of life.

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Well I am happy right now, for the most part. I am a generally happy person. But she is not happy, at least not for the most part. She does have periods of being extremely happy, always when around me.

 

And yes I think our relationship has definitely gone to the addictive side. She has even said herself that she is addicted to me. Which frankly scares me all the more to break up with her.

 

I guess something I should mention is that she went through a period of her life where she had a slight eating disorder. It wasn't bad enough to threaten her health, but it did control her life and her thoughts. About 1 week ago I had a conversation with her about our relationship and told her my doubts. She actually told me that if I was to break up with her she probably would go down that path again, and might even have thoughts of hurting herself. Now when she was telling me this, I was actually angry. It felt like she was trying to guilt me into staying with her. But even if that's true, it still frightens me that I might cause her to go down that path. I just can't figure out if it's worth the risk.

 

And it definitely doesn't help that she doesn't really have any real friends right now (most of them moved away for college) and I am the only person she talks to on a regular basis. So if I leave her, I just don't know what she would be left with.

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That's really unfair of her to threaten you. It's really good that you opened up and told her your doubts, but IMO that's really lame she said those things instead of understanding you, and having a mature discussion about it. I personally couldn't be with someone who was that dependent of me, and not to mention extremely insecure. Also, her being "addicted" to you is definitely not healthy.

 

I have a friend whose ex-girlfriend was the exact same way. She was overly dependent of him, very needy and insecure, and after a while he felt very trapped & tied up and found himself wondering "if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence", He kept blowing off other girls but always wondered what could've been. He talked with her about it, and she went all defensive and acted really immature, and, same as your gf, she threatened to hurt herself or even kill herself if he broke up with her. But he figured that he couldn't go on like that, that she's her own person and she needs to take care of herself, so he left her, and guess what? She never hurt herself in any way. She was upset, yes, but there was no self-injury involved at all.

 

It's just a way to keep you on her leash and get you to feel sorry for her.

 

As for her having no friends, uh, I would feel really uncomfortable if my SO made me the center of all his attention and doesn't have other people in his life. This is something she needs to change, she needs to meet new people and find new friends...

 

Be honest to yourself. Are you really happy with her? Do you see your future with her? Are you in love with her? Or do you want to find out what else is out there? If she were to change, would you want to stay with her? And if so, do you think that she is able to change?

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Well to answer your questions at the end.

 

I am happy right now, i'm just worried about the future.

 

Yes I am in love with her. However I have come to view love and relationships as two different things. I think relationships are much more complicated and difficult to maintain.

 

The problem is, I do want to see what's out there. Honestly in my mind there is still a good chance that I will be with this girl in the end because of how I feel about her. However, I feel almost a need to "see what's out there" so I can be absolutely sure I want to be with her. I am Catholic and thus and not a fan of divorce, so I want to get it right the first time. I think there is still a chance that my girlfriend is the one for me, but at the same time I feel that there is no way I can be positive of that unless explore a bit. But I absolutely refuse to cheat so I don't see any way of doing anything unless I break up with her, at least for now.

 

As far as her changing, yes I would want to be with her if she changed. But I am seriously starting to fear that she is not able to change. I have been trying so hard for 11 months to help her change (changes that she does want to make) and I just don't see any progress.

 

And by the way, the dependency doesn't bother me all that much. It's the insecurity that bothers me.

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Well just an update.

 

I went to her apartment tonight. She was having a really bad day. And things just went downhill.

 

Basically I broke up with her, telling her that I needed time to figure everything out. She was devastated as I expected. But so was I. I couldn't stop crying for 3 hours. I even found myself thinking in my head "why the hell am I doing this?" over and over. I just really don't know what to think at the moment. Maybe i'm a wuss but I told her I would probably be back (which is not a lie, as I really do believe that, but at the same time I just really don't know), mostly because I figured it would make her not be as devastated.

 

I guess now I just really have to figure everything out.

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