dad hung up on me-so angry!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

These are the kind of power struggles one normally gets into with parents when one is a teenager, but since you are still taking their money as an adult, for all intents and purposes you are still dependent on them in the same way. You are partially independent, but not fully so.

 

Of course it is rude to hang up on someone, but at the same time, if you're in a non-productive argument, it is better to hang up than say things you'll regret later. So this is one incident where feelings ran high, so just let it go and move on.

 

But more important, it is a sign that perhaps it is time to stop taking any kind of money from them other than gifts for special occasions like birthdays, Christmas, wedding gifts etc. You won't have to have these kind of arguments and conflicts with them if you are a fully independent adult. So it is just a really big sign that it is time to fully leave the nest and pay for everything on your own.

[renaissancewoman101]

But then, with the current economic situation, it really is not always that wise or feasible to leave the "nest". I keep hearing and reading about kids graduating out of college nowadays and having to move back home because of the inability to find decent paying jobs, or kids who have lived on their own, but lost their jobs and moved back home, or are having the parents help them out.

 

I think parents help out because they care and because they don't want to see their kids fall. I know if I had a kid, I would help them out, if I thought they were suffering or was not doing well.

[JadedStar]

She's NOT being immature. SOmetimes parents can drive us up the wall to the point we lash out in frustration. Trust me, it happens a lot to people.

 

And her dad also got to that point. But instead of lashing out he did the mature thing and hung up before it got to that point of verbal lashing. You don't have kids so you can't see this from the parents angle. They are people too ya know. You are only viewing this from the perspective of a daughter.

 

If I were helping my daughter with her car to the extent Dali's parents have and she non chalantly tells me "i am going to relax tonight stop bothering me about it" i am going to be pretty fed up with that too, partcularly if this isn't the first time it has happened.

 

hearing all her parents do for her i have a hard time believing that they are super unreasonable people so my assumption is that she must have really gotten under dad's skin so he did the mature thing and hung up vs having a verbal battle about it over the phone.

[Daligal83]

I'm not arguing about the content of what people were saying...but how it was said. I can't control that though and I feel like I'm not being understood by a lot of people, so I'm just going to leave it alone at this point and deal with this myself. Thank you to those who have tried to see it from my point of view and not berated me for the mistakes made on my part.

 

Just try to understand that just because I called myself a brat does not mean that it does nothing to me to be called a brat and ungrateful over and over again on this board. I don't see how calling me that is constructive help...but apparently others disagree with me and this is a public forum and that's fine. I'll just refrain from these types of posts in the future. Problem solved.

[Seraphim]

But then, with the current economic situation, it really is not always that wise or feasible to leave the "nest". I keep hearing and reading about kids graduating out of college nowadays and having to move back home because of the inability to find decent paying jobs, or kids who have lived on their own, but lost their jobs and moved back home, or are having the parents help them out.

 

I think parents help out because they care and because they don't want to see their kids fall. I know if I had a kid, I would help them out, if I thought they were suffering or was not doing well.

 

The thing is there have ALWAYS been hard financial times. Recession is a cycle and I have seen a many, as a child and an adult. I am not saying to not help your child when they are desperate, BUT you can not constantly rely on parents whenever their is a hard time or because it is fashionable for the generation. Our parents have to live too, and sweated their ass off to make this money and are now at a time to ENJOY a life well earned. When they have no money left in old age because they helped YOU all the time and ran out of money are you going to take them in or are they going to eat catfood and live in a box? I know that is a harsh comparison but everyone has to make their way in this life hardtimes or not.

 

Now about being hung up on, sure I would be peed off. My dad does it all the time. IN fact the other when I called him to see how he was he said to me, it was good till YOU called. Let it blow in one ear and out the other. If you know the situation is not going to change then let it blow over.

[Daligal83]

I don't think you guys are understanding the effect this is having on me. I have been on these boards long enough that you should have SOME indication of my character. I had a bad moment last night and now that rules who I am...or at least that's what it feels like right now. Instead of saying, well Dali you made a mistake last night and here's what you can do to amend for it, I'm just made out to be a bad person at this point.

 

I'm not some cold uncaring daughter who expects my parents to do everything for me and is rude in return. This is bothering me to the point where I cried as I fell asleep last night and I'm sitting here crying right now. I'm all ready to go to the gym and now I'm not going because I'm a freaking mess.

[JadedStar]

I love the statement in bold above.

 

And to Ren, just because a parent is helping a child does not mean they will never get ticked off with their child's behavior. And no, it is not a prerequisite for a parent to take care of their adult children anymore than it is a prerequisite for adult children to take care of their parents. These things happen all the time but it is not a gimmie. Because your parents are well off perhaps you do not understand this concept. Neither of my parents are ina position at all to help me even if i became impoverished tomorrow. Thus people need to learn how to stand on their own two feet vs thinking a parent is a bail out plan.

[JadedStar]

I don't think you guys are understanding the effect this is having on me. I have been on these boards long enough that you should have SOME indication of my character. I had a bad moment last night and now that rules who I am...or at least that's what it feels like right now. Instead of saying, well Dali you made a mistake last night and here's what you can do to amend for it, I'm just made out to be a bad person at this point.

 

I'm not some cold uncaring daughter who expects my parents to do everything for me and is rude in return. This is bothering me to the point where I cried as I fell asleep last night and I'm sitting here crying right now. I'm all ready to go to the gym and now I'm not going because I'm a freaking mess.

 

I really don't think anyone thinks you are cold and uncaring, and I DO know of your reputation here which to be honest was one of the main reasons I was so surprised by your posts on this thread. It seemed so out of character. But my opinion is still that at that moment with your father you were perhaps acting a bit bratty. I know his behavior has upset you, but I still cannot agree that it was all that bad of a move. He hung up probably to keep from saying something he would regret.

 

To be honest, I am surprised that this is affecting you that much> It might be an indicator that you really need to move out of the nest. That will resolve a lot of your issues. You sound like an independent person most of the time but when it comes to your parents you act like a small child and that is only a sign that perhaps you lean on them too much and it is time to spread your wings of independence. Please take this as the constructive feedback it is meant to be and not criticism.

[renaissancewoman101]

I don't think you guys are understanding the effect this is having on me. I have been on these boards long enough that you should have SOME indication of my character. I had a bad moment last night and now that rules who I am...or at least that's what it feels like right now. Instead of saying, well Dali you made a mistake last night and here's what you can do to amend for it, I'm just made out to be a bad person at this point.

 

I'm not some cold uncaring daughter who expects my parents to do everything for me and is rude in return. This is bothering me to the point where I cried as I fell asleep last night and I'm sitting here crying right now. I'm all ready to go to the gym and now I'm not going because I'm a freaking mess.

 

Daligal, I'm sorry you feel this way. Personally, I can understand how you feel and how you reacted. I feel for you that others cannot and have no empathy for you. I hope you feel better soon and that there is nothing wrong with your relationship with your parents and in how you relate to your parents.

 

Good luck!

[JadedStar]

Daligal, I'm sorry you feel this way. Personally, I can understand how you feel and how you reacted. I feel for you that others cannot and have no empathy for you. I hope you feel better soon and that there is nothing wrong with your relationship with your parents and in how you relate to your parents.

 

Good luck!

 

You empathize because you also take a lot of assistance from your parents then get angry when they expect things in return. Those of us who may not be empathasizing are seeing this from another point of view.

 

It's not that we are all sitting here thinking "hmm, let's slam daligirl for the fun of it".

[renaissancewoman101]

JS, I do not ask my parents to help me out. I did when I first moved back out here and it caused a lot of emotional issues between them. I finally found a job and survive on my own now. My parents still offer to help me out and sometimes when I am in dire straits, I may take it, most times I don't. When I did take their help, it led to my mom butting in my life a bit too much. But then I also see why they offer to help me out. My mom sees me as being someone "helpless" because of my height (I get that from the way she talks to me). Yeah, it hurts, but what can I do. She feels that way and I can't get her to budge on that.

[Seraphim]

I don't think you guys are understanding the effect this is having on me. I have been on these boards long enough that you should have SOME indication of my character. I had a bad moment last night and now that rules who I am...or at least that's what it feels like right now. Instead of saying, well Dali you made a mistake last night and here's what you can do to amend for it, I'm just made out to be a bad person at this point.

 

I'm not some cold uncaring daughter who expects my parents to do everything for me and is rude in return. This is bothering me to the point where I cried as I fell asleep last night and I'm sitting here crying right now. I'm all ready to go to the gym and now I'm not going because I'm a freaking mess.

 

You are not a bad person hun, not at all. We all get pissy at sometime or another, even parents. If it is your dad's personality to get all pissy, then my advice is to ignore it. My dad is the biggest pain in the ass that came down the pike, I live by this rule....in one ear and out the other. Am I insulted ?Sure Is it worth being insulted? Nope.

 

Seriously, do not give them a reason to control you and then you have nothing to argue about, that is all I am saying.

[Daligal83]

Well I've sent my dad an email apologizing for my behavior last night and attempting to explain why I acted the way I did. I also let him know how much it hurt me how he reacted. I then included that I wanted to start paying for everything on my own now.

 

I know I am less independent when it comes to my parents, but I honestly think this is the fault of everyone involved. I depend on them for a lot, but they enable me as well. Like I said, I told my mom that I want to pay for everything on my own and she tells me to sleep on it. The original deal was that my parents would pay for my car insurance for my first year out of college and then I'd take over. My dad decided he wanted to pay for it after that and the fault on both of our parents was that I went along with it. I don't make a ton of money as a social worker at a non-profit and I'm making even less now...so I went with it. Now I'll just have to cut out some things and pay for this stuff on my own. I really have no problem doing that.

 

I don't think it will end the disagreements. That's just not how my family works. They are extremely involved and I know it's with good intentions. But they sometimes make me feel completely incapable of living life on my own. My mother even called me up one day to say that she found smoke detectors that work off of the ceiling lights in the room. I asked her why I would need that and she said, god knows when the last time the batteries were changed in the ones I have. I let her know that I was completely capable of doing that myself and already done it since it started beeping to let me know they needed to be changed. My own mother does not think I can handle changing batteries in a smoke detector. This is how my parents see me and treat me.

[Seraphim]

Hun it is time to sit them down and tell them you are an adult now, and when you need advice or help you will ASK for it.

[Daligal83]

I was thinking of saying that's how I felt on here...but then was afraid of getting slammed for it by being particular about when my parents will help me. I figured people would just tell me that I can't take their help on my terms, that if I want it at all I take it when they want to give it.

[Seraphim]

Sometimes as parents we need to be reminded that our kids are adults. My inlaws never learned this. They treat my husband and I like we are 12 and my sister in law lived with them free of charge till she was 36. They are the most controlling people alive. They HATE me because I took their "lovie"(my husband) away from them. So I know people need reminders that kids are adults at some point. It is not about slamming you hun, just a gentle push to become independent and remind your parents you are a big girl now.

[FreedomRing]

Dali, I think you were being a tad bit overly-sensitive in this situation.

 

This is coming from a person who is 27 yrs old and my parents still pay my car insurance as well(only as a means to help out since I just bought a home).

 

One thing to consider is that, your parents are your parents. They are likely not going to change, thus the change must come from you. This means recognizing all your parents traits...and monitoring how YOU react in turn. If that means pacifying your dad, while he is on the phone, gazing through the tire ads, while also rolling your eyes on the other end of the phone...then so be it. We all do a some placating or pacifying as we get older, to our parents, mostly because, we recognize that this is JUST HOW THEY ARE. Rather then fight it, sometimes its easier and smarter for YOU, so that your less effected, to just appease them for the moment. In the mean time, take measures to ensure your independence is 100% complete, if this is really too much for you at times.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Dali, i don't think people's intentions are to tell you you are 'bad', just point out that the situation where an adult child is taking money for day to day living from the parents, and the parents are encouraging that dependency, probably isn't the healthiest and best way to live at your age, and comes with the friction and problems you are discovering for yourself (like them trying to control your actions regarding the car because they are paying for part of it).

 

So i think the answer is if you want to reduce friction in that area, then maybe it is time to be fully independent. Then you don't get into this type of conflict, which leads to arguments, upsets etc.

 

Whether it was right or wrong for you to take money from them at your age is irrelevant, but what is relevant is that taking money at your age from parents can lead to these types of conflicts, and if you don't want the conflict, then perhaps it is time to cut the chord.

[sophie274]

Hey Daligal,

 

On the one hand of course I agree with what everyone has said. On the other hand, boy do I feel your pain! I'm younger than you, and still fully dependent on my parents (in college), and my mother nags like it's her job. It will often be what you described: "Sophie, you should go do this" - "Ok, yeah, I'll think about it", and then she just goes on and on and won't let things go. It really frustrates me and riles me up. I am incredibly grateful to her and to my father, but sometimes the way she will try to get me to do things is just way over the top, and especially about things that are not a big deal (ex, we regularly have fights about her not wanting me to get my eyebrows done - which I pay for with my allowance).

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can relate. I think things will get better if they are not paying for anything anymore, but I also know that from my experience with my mother, who is paying for it really does not matter. Once she decides that she wants me to do something, she does not like to let it go. Things have gotten better between us since I have pointed out how much she pushes me on very small issues, but it's an ongoing problem.

[Daligal83]

My dad called me this morning to apologize about hanging up on me before he even got my email. So we talked and we're OK now. We discussed better ways to communicate and how the dependency thing is not good. I expressed my frustration on the blurred lines of independence and he agreed. A lot of it also comes from my mother, but that's a whole other issue. I will also now start to get the car insurance bills instead of them. The cell phone will stay the way it is because it's a whopping $10.

 

sophie-I know how you feel. I was dependent on my parents all the way through college. There was a time when I started to talk about getting a job and they told me that my job was to do well in school and maintain my scholarships. It's hard because you appreciate so much what they do for you, but it doesn't mean that their behavior doesn't annoy you sometimes haha.

 

I really don't know why I reacted the way I did to this whole situation. I've been totally off since then. I just haven't felt like myself today...I've felt anxious for some reason. And my dad and I resolved everything this morning...so I don't know what it is. This is not like me though.

[Notreadyet87]

The key issue I see here is YOU.

Your parents are helping you out. This is a GOOD thing. I get frustrated when my parents lecture me or continue to talk about a topic that I'm sick of talking about. But it's really for your own good. At the end of day it's YOUR life not theirs.

Your going to have to do things on your own eventually. Getting tires is not complicated, which is probably why they just want you to do on your own. It's about reliance and the fact that you rely too much on them to help you with things that you could do on your own. I'm not talking about paying for things--as we all get in financial troubles where we need a bit of boost from loved ones. I'm talking about taking care of yourself like an adult. At the age of 25 you should have some general knowledge about how to get tires... You shouldn't have to go home to your parents in order to take care of your car matters. It's YOUR car. I had to get my own tires, last year at the age of 20 for the FIRST time. I talked to my parents over the phone, but took care of it myself. When I had questions I called home. But as an adult it's my responsibility to be INFORMED about what I own... It's your responsbility too. And I think this is probably your parents frustration. They want to help you, and guide you, but they also want you to bear some responsibility and to WANT to bear some responsbility. Your attitude suggested that you don't care enough about it or that you would rather them take care of it... They want to help you, but they want you to help yourself.

I think that it's time that you stopped being bratty and started being a bit more informed about certain things that you've always relied on your parents for. Your parents will always help you, but as you get older you also need to start helping yourself....

[Daligal83]

Notreadyet, if you read my others posts, including the one right above yours, I've already settled the situation. I'm doing what I need to do to become more independent. I wasn't even really upset about the tire issue. There was a whole other level on it that a few people helped me figure out. Like I said, I've talked it through with my dad and we both apologized for our behavior and I am now fully taking over financial responsibility for myself. I've also talked to them about how they enable me and I allow them to do it and we are all in the wrong and it needs to change. I also would appreciate them having confidence in me to accomplish these things because if they don't, it's hard for me to have it.

[Seraphim]

Notreadyet, if you read my others posts, including the one right above yours, I've already settled the situation. I'm doing what I need to do to become more independent. I wasn't even really upset about the tire issue. There was a whole other level on it that a few people helped me figure out. Like I said, I've talked it through with my dad and we both apologized for our behavior and I am now fully taking over financial responsibility for myself. I've also talked to them about how they enable me and I allow them to do it and we are all in the wrong and it needs to change. I also would appreciate them having confidence in me to accomplish these things because if they don't, it's hard for me to have it.

 

 

You're a good egg, I am glad you guys got it worked out!

[Daligal83]

Thanks Victoria

[shayshay07]

Hi daligurl, your situation is very similar to something i just went thru with my mom. I am the same age as you, live on my own, etc but my mom still pays my car insurance also. We got in a big fight last week and im still mad. My apartment is raising the rent this month, and my lease was up last month, and i was having a hard time finding somewhere else to live because I am 9 months pregnant and the cost of living is very high in my city, and i just didn't have the energy to apartment hunt especially when my baby could be born any day and i am exhausted with a million other things to do.

My mom offered to help me with rent until i go back to work because she thought it be best to have somewhere stable for the baby to live, especially since i hadn't even found any decent, cheaper apartments yet.

So i ended up renewing the lease and mentioned to that i don't have any money for December rent because she said she would help. She was like, "well i don't know what to tell you, you better get on some government programs" and i got sooo angry because she completely went back on her word about helping me, and had i known she would'n help before i would not have signed a new lease, and found other living arrangements for me and my baby.

Anyway i screamed on her and told her how she barely does anything, for me, hasn't barely bought my baby anything, etc. Then she started listing everything she does for me, no matter how petty, like how she paid for my baby shower, helped me pack and move into my apartment last year, pays my college tuition ( when she always pressured me into going to college, it was never my thing), and my car insurance, etc. and tried to make me seem ungrateful. It was just crazy to me how she listed everything she has helped me with, no matter how small or long ago it was, and it just motivated me to do better on my own and not have to ask for ANYTHING. So i think its great that you and your dad talked, and communicated about the independence boundaries and evrything. I agree with those that said the more independent you are, the better your relationship with your parents will be. Good luck!