dad hung up on me-so angry!!

[Daligal83]

Let me start off by saying that I find hanging up on someone to be one of the most disrespectful things you can do.

 

My parents baby me and always have. I'm pretty much on my own now, but they still pay for car insurance and my cell phone since we're all on a plan together. When it comes to my car though, it's always been the case that I bring it back home and they take care of it. I know it's bratty of me, but I don't know anything about cars and don't feel comfortable doing it. And they've always done it without me asking.

 

Now they've decided that I need new tires. First they wanted me to do the penny test, but now that doesn't even matter. I just need them. I said I'd go tomorrow since I have the day off. My mom called me today to make sure I was going to go and I basically said I didn't want to go. I don't feel comfortable doing things with my car on my own since I don't know anything and I'll be home for Thanksgiving. Well that wasn't an acceptable answer and we got into a little fight about it. I ended up saying I'd go since I had to go to the mall anyway (I'm taking it to Sears). She kept lecturing me on why I had to do it and I got mad at her again saying that she doesn't have to keep at it once I've said I'd do it and it gets overwhelming when she does. She also got frustrated at me for not wanting to, not realizing that they enable me like crazy when it comes to this. Not that it's not my fault too, but they take part. Anyway, we stopped talking about it and were fine when we got off the phone.

 

Then I get an email and call from my dad about the tires. It's a website with information about the tires. I know he's just trying to help but I just have a couple hours to relax before I have to go to bed and I really don't feel like talking about tires ALL night. I said I'd go. Leave it at that. He said he thought I'd want to learn about tires and I was honest and said I didn't, I was just going to take it in. He said I need to learn because they'll ask me questions, like what kind of tire I want. I said I want all-season radials. Then he says there are different kinds and I'm losing my patience at this point (and I'll admit I got bratty because I was just sick of tires, they've been on me about this for a few weeks) and I told him that's what mom told me to get. He said "ok BYE!" and hung up.

 

I know I was being bratty...but I think he was completely overreacting and being incredibly rude by hanging up. I'm just sick of the freaking tires! They cannot let things go. And can they blame me for not feeling comfortable doing this on my own? It's like they want me to be independent on their terms. They help me when they want and then tell me to do it on my own, but yet on their terms.

 

And I read through that website he gave me. There was no information about different types of all-season radial tires.

 

I'm just really pissed right now.

[JadedStar]

Sorry, i side with mom and dad. If you are going to take this amount of huge help from them the things they are asking go with the package.

 

When one wants to be independent they have to really be independent. I can't really summon up a lot of pity since you are admittedly taking so much help from them. There is no reason that you can't do these thigns, so by letting them do it all you pay a price.

[Daligal83]

I know that I have to do it. The fact that I'm going tomorrow is not the issue. I know I'm just being a brat about that. But it's my car and I'm paying for the tires, it's being taken care of.

 

My issue is how they can't let things go. I've said I'd go do it. I obviously don't feel like discussing tires since I just got into an argument with my mom about it. So to me that would mean, leave it alone. When he called it was also obvious that I didn't feel like discussing tires. They just do not pick up on that and let it go. If I'm talking to someone about something and it's obvious they are getting irritated, I change the subject.

 

And what made me the most upset is him hanging up on me. That is so rude in my opinion and the situation did not call for it. I would never do that to them, no matter how much they are upsetting me.

[15 Storeys High]

^ Agreed @Jadedstar

 

If you're willing to accept their money and time, then you have to be willing to accept their advice and desires for what they're paying for. Essentially the car is theirs. They're looking out for their daughter (since good tyres = good car= less risk) and their property. And yes, you are being bratty. Either do as they ask or get your own car and pay your own way.

 

You pissed him off with your attitude....so he curtly said goodbye and hung up...probably before he said something he regretted. He didn;t "hang up up on you". He ended the conversation quickly without you having the last word.

[Seraphim]

I wish I could have been so lucky. I had to PAY for the priviledge of living at home past the age of 18. I had to have a job at the age of 14 on to by my essentials like pads and so on. My mother is HUGE on responsiblility and one's role in looking after yourself. It would have been a frosty Friday in HELL before she paid for any of my bills nevermind up keep on my vehicle. Count yourself lucky, or if you do not like the advice or the amount of discussion pay for your vehicle maintenance and insurance.

[hosswhispra]

Sorry Dalgigal83-but I side with your dad too.

 

You're lucky that your father cares so much. I wish my father was alive-I miss the moments that you've written about.

 

My father used to baby me with my car, too. He's gone now and I get my own tires done alone at Sears.

[Daligal83]

Guys...I understand what you are saying, but I feel like I'm not being heard at all.

 

I pay my own rent, any repairs on my car (they have treated me to the smaller ones, I won't lie even though I'm apparently making myself out to be a horrible person in the process), I pay my cable/internet, I pay for gas, groceries, etc. They pay for car insurance and my cell phone, which is a HUGE help since I don't have the largest salary. But I do not live at home and live off of my parents. And the car is mine, it is in my name.

 

I know I'm wrong about putting up a fight for the tire stuff and they have my best interests. He had good intentions. I just get frustrated with my parents because they want me to do something, I say I'll do it, and then they continue to tell me why I need to do it. I get it. I'm not stupid and I said I'd take care of it. If I neglect to do something with my car, I'm the one paying for the repairs. When I said they handle it, I meant they take it into the shop. But I still pay.

 

And he didn't quickly say goodbye before he said something else bad. My dad gets mad when he feels like lecturing me and I'm not in the mood to hear it. He was being rude. I'm talking to my mom about it and she agrees. She says he gets like that with her too. I just won't let him do that. There was one time when he offered to write me up a list of questions to ask a potential employer, and specifically said that I should take from it what I wanted and felt comfortable with. When I said I didn't want to use a specific question, he got mad at me. I tried to explain to him that I didn't feel comfortable asking the question, but that didn't matter.

[shikashika]

I think you are bgeing unreasonable... it sounded to me like your parents were being helpful... and you were being rather rude towards them. I don't really side with your 'oh its the evening and I want to relax' argument'

 

You asked... thats how I see it.

[hosswhispra]

^ All those exasperating moments sound familiar to me--Ironically, I actually miss them now.

 

I guess it's his own way of showing you he cares about your safety. It's hard to see that right now-but not hard to see when they're gone

[Seraphim]

The best thing might be for you to take over full responsibility for your car then you will not have this argument. At the same time parents are always our parents. I am 42 with my own life and family and my mom still tells me what to do, she even tells me how to raise my own son. I just let it in one ear and out the other.

[Daligal83]

Thank you Victoria. I think that's the first post where I haven't felt like I've been called a brat or ungrateful. I actually did mention to my mom starting to pay for my car insurance and cell phone bill. She told me to sleep on it and think about it more when I'm not angry. See, I'm trying to break totally free and it still doesn't work. I think they think that I'm not capable of paying for it since I'm a social worker. My dad actually made a comment about how I'd never be able to pay for a car recently.

 

I hear what you guys are saying. I get that I'm being a brat. I still don't think they way my dad handled it was appropriate and I'm still angry and hurt by it. All I was looking for was some support on that part. I was just trying to give some background on the situation.

 

You know, I talked to my friends too and they just said "yea parents can be annoying but they're just looking out for you." That I can respond to. That is helpful. It's telling me to suck it up while being empathetic at the same time. I did not get that here at all tonight. I know I can't control how people will respond to a thread and this is how it works on a public forum. I just feel like the same messages could be delivered in a more empathetic way. Instead of really hearing what you guys were trying to tell me, I just ended up being more upset about the whole thing. If you think I'm a brat and unreasonable fine, but there's a way to say it and a way that just makes it worse.

[15 Storeys High]

Some people don't have parents that care about them. I guess that comes out in their posts sometimes.

[JadedStar]

I can't deliver the message any other way> I read your post and all i could think of is how many people would love the luxury of being able to relax for the evening and not worry about a car that needed repair. Or to have a parent that would even go to such lengths once they were grown. My post was an attempt to help make you see how darn good you've got it. most are not so lucky. So i could not give you the empathy you needed.

 

I think we were all saying what victoria was saying. Be independent fully and you won't have to worry about this sort of thing.

[Seraphim]

Hun you will feel better when you take total control of your life. It will be hard financially but it will benefit the relationship with your parents.

[shikashika]

Sorry but this is one of those posts tht male me scratch my head and wonder,,"Why did you ask?"

 

You can't force people to respond in a certain way with a certain amount of empathy. Thats not what this forum is about...when you ask a question , you have to be prepared for all answers, whethere you agree with the way you respond or not.

 

I hope you sort things out with your Dad. Just call and apologise and I'm sure it will be fine.

[Batya33]

I went through these kinds of situations before I moved out/was financially independent. It did make independence that much sweeter, believe me. Hang in there....

[annie24]

times like this, i just don't pick up my cell phone. if i'm annoyed with my mom about something, i figure it's better for me to calm down and not call her back.... as opposed to getting into a fight about it. not that my mom and i are some kind of great example for a mother/daughter relationship. next time, i'd just give it 24 hours. tell your parents you would have called them sooner, but you left your cell phone charger at work.

[renaissancewoman101]

Why do most of the posters get on her case for her parents helping her out? I would think, in this economy, that it would be great if the parents helped out the kids.

 

And yes, I've dealt with my parents being "overprotective" of me like that. I've learned to avoid talking to my mom when she gets like this. About 6 years ago, my parents and I had a big falling out after I came to visit them, and I didn't speak to them for almost a year. My dad broke the ice by emailing me and asking me to come visit them and talk.

[star2008]

My issue is how they can't let things go. I've said I'd go do it. I obviously don't feel like discussing tires since I just got into an argument with my mom about it. So to me that would mean, leave it alone. When he called it was also obvious that I didn't feel like discussing tires. They just do not pick up on that and let it go. If I'm talking to someone about something and it's obvious they are getting irritated, I change the subject.

 

Did you actually tell your dad that you didn't want to talk about tires? If not I don't think that it was obvious. How is your dad supposed to know why you are acting cranky?

[thejigsup]

I'm not going to call you names or anything. I'm just going to say you have some maturing to do. I know I used to get mad at my mom for things like that, what a fool I was!

[Daligal83]

I know I'm lucky that my parents do all this for me. You guys don't know me and don't know how often I speak highly of them and appreciate all that they do and know that not everyone gets this from their parents. I worked in foster care for a year and a half...of course I know that a lot of parents don't do what my parents do. I am thankful for it.

 

I wasn't asking for advice regarding the tire situation. That was me giving background on the situation. And if you read my posts, I've admitted the WHOLE time that I was being a brat about the tire situation. I've never tried to say that I was in the right about the tires, but just trying to explain from my point of view why I was acting the way I was. Does it mean it OK to be rude to them? No...but that was how I was feeling in the moment and I can't go back and change that.

 

I still feel that my dad was in the wrong to hang up on me. THAT was the issue I was really posting about. He could have just said to me, Dali you are being rude right now and there is no reason for it. Hanging up on each other...that is not how our family communicates with each other. We are the family that says I love you every time we leave the house or get off of the phone, even if we are annoyed with each other. So his actions made me very angry, but above all it really really really hurt me.

 

And I guarantee you even once I am financially independent of them 100%, nothing will change. My mom still calls me up worried about how my sister handles certain situations with my niece. I know it's just that they love us a lot, but the way my parents go about it can be extremely overwhelming sometimes. 99% of the time I can put up with it just fine, but sometimes I just can't anymore.

 

annie-I did just that last night. My mom called and I didn't pick up. She then IMed me and I explained to her that I was very angry and did not feel like talking about the moment. I'm not angry with her and made sure she knew that. She understands where I'm coming from because she knows what my dad can get like.

 

renaissancewoman-thanks for understanding. I hope my parents and I never get to that point. I know my dad and my sister were like that for awhile.

 

Batya-thank you. I really do think I could be financially independent at this point. Even though I just started a new job that is a paycut, I'm pretty good at not living beyond my means. The only reason I would see for my parents continuing with my cell phone is that we're all on one plan, which makes it cheaper. But I could start paying for a third of the bill so that I'm still paying my own way. But yet when I suggest it, I'm basically told not to do that. I don't understand it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Daligal, I've been in your shoes and know how you feel. My mom LOVES helping me out financially since she thinks it gives her a say in my life. That was one of the reasons why I lived so far away from them for so many years. And now, when I don't need their help as much, they STILL want to help me out and when I tell them I don't need it, they take it as a sign of disrespect. They do that with my brother too. They offer to help take care of his house while he is away on business (he travels a lot on business). He tells them he doesn't need them to help, etc., and they get upset at him, or they just go over there and clean his place up, etc. That has caused some disagreements with them before.

 

I don't understand why people here come down so hard on people, if they admit their parents help them out whether they want it or not. Esp in this current economic climate, personally, I think parents helping out the kids is rather an admirable thing.

 

About the cell bill, if it becomes a fight between you and the parents for you to pay your half, then I would just drop the subject. Unless you want to pay more and get a cell phone on your own plan. Otherwise, maybe, do something for them once in a while to show you appreciate them for their help.

[renaissancewoman101]

I'm not going to call you names or anything. I'm just going to say you have some maturing to do. I know I used to get mad at my mom for things like that, what a fool I was!

 

She's NOT being immature. SOmetimes parents can drive us up the wall to the point we lash out in frustration. Trust me, it happens a lot to people.

[Seraphim]

OK, but "letting" your parents pay for things DOES give them control of your life. Speaking as a parent here, when I look at my son I still see my BABY, but he is 11. You will ALWAYS be your parent's "baby" even as an adult.It is the job of a parent to make their child independent and strong to face the world, but sometimes we fear for our kids and it makes us clingy and controlling. Never forget too we are also people with our own baggage from our own life, not perfect beings.

[JadedStar]

OK, but "letting" your parents pay for things DOES give them control of your life. Speaking as a parent here, when I look at my son I still see my BABY, but he is 11. You will ALWAYS be your parent's "baby" even as an adult.It is the job of a parent to make their child independent and strong to face the world, but sometimes we fear for our kids and it makes us clingy and controlling. Never forget too we are also people with our own baggage from our own life, not perfect beings.

 

Thank you! That is what everyone is trying to say, we just all say it in a different way. It's funny really, i do not think any of the responses were out of line or inappropriate given her opening post. I answer this also from the perspective of the parent and many times kids think parents are superhumans who don't also have feelings. We have the right sometimes to also get fed up with our kids as much as they get fed up with us. Once a person has progressed beyond the age of 18 they should be mature enough to know and realize that parents are people to, and when our kids tick us off we might react.

 

Daligal you stated all thru your opening post that you were being a brat. We just agreed with you. Now you are upset about that. I don't get it. What did you really want? For us to say no, you were not being a brat? Forgive me, but i really thought you wanted feedback that was straight from our minds not sugarcoated and untrue.