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does fear count?


distortione
Never be the reason for someone'...
Never be the reason for someone's tears

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I don't know why I feel the way I do. I have a good life. I'm so confused. my parents say i'm too spoiled to be depressed. I'm not exactly the good kid in the family, and kind of the black sheep. Some people say I must be depressed because of the type of music I listen to, because it's depressing. I find that music is the only place besides, writing and my dreams, for me to escape.

I'm terribly afraid of hell, so I won't kill myself, though I'v always wanted to and have tried on several occasions since 2005. My mom says every time I want to kill myself to go ahead because I'll just go to hell, and that if that is what I want then to go do it and stop threatening her. shes says she used that escue to threaten her mother and it was just a way for me to make her fell 'sorry for me'.

She says I'm selfish and manupulative. she also says im self pittying and need to get over myself. The truth is I don't know what to do. I thought feeling sorry forself is crying all the time with the woe is me attitude. So I try to stop crying but I can't sometimes I cry for no reason, or just by a mear memory. Sometimes I cry when I think about death and the fact I may go to hell someday because iv been so aful and I don't deserve salvation.I am not trying to force religion on anybody which is why I will not mention my religion because i seriously don't know what to do anymore.

My parents said I'v always been emotional and even in school people call me an emo kid. I can't stand even being assocaiated with emo kids anymore because of the fact they use mutilation and sorrow as a life style. So when I try to say what I feel im accused of being just another 'emo kid'.

I don't try to be manipulative. and the whole self pity thing i tried to get id of incase my mom was right. so i tried hateing myself and my mom said i was still doing it.then i tried being happy and a possitive attitude and i still cant get it right.

what am i to do. i feel there is no exit. i had to pick a topic for research class, and i picked depression so i could understand it more. but as for suicide i don't kow what will happen. i can't die but i can't live. and its driving me insain. does anyone know what is wrong with me. I don't care what it is. if it is self pity or if im a crazy or what but i eed to know what i have and what i can do.this can never involve my parents for the main fact that i can't disappoint them, make them angry, or they won't believe. I know they already they think im a self pitying weirdo. so i don't need they're help.

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Hey,

 

I think your parents don't realize that depression can happen to anyone, and that it has little to nothing to do with how 'good' the external things in your life are. You seem really depressed to me, and I think that you'd benefit from some counseling. Are you still in school? If so, contact your mentor, or a teacher you get along with fine. They can bring you into contact with people that can help you. They can also help you in making it clear to your parents that they should take you seriously.

 

Are your parents/you religious? I am just asking because this may play a role in how you feel. You're not doing anything wrong, depressions are (in my experience) capable of taking you over in a way- sort of like a parasite in your being. And it really doesn't have to be this way, they are treatable with therapy and possibly a period of medication.

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yes im religious and im in 9th grade. its been like this siince i was in 5th.

 

Can you talk to someone in church? I was raised by very devout christian parents, and sometimes found it easier to talk about life-matters with someone other than my parents, but who could relate to issues regarding faith. Four years is a long time to be suffering like this, and really life can be much more joyful than this.

 

Do you have any idea what triggered these feelings when you first started having them?

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it started in 5th grade but the list goes on. that year is unforgettable. so much happened. the year i changed. my mom is more talk and belief than go to church. she calls people hypocrites but she doesn't follow her religion.and shes very insulted when someone says she doesnt. if its a church that im close to there is a large chance they will go to my parents. they already told my friends that when i used to wear all black and hang with goth kids, even being one for a short time before i switched, that i was following a genre or group of devil worshipers. father told my friends that goth was like satanism. i can't trust them anymore.

 

i can only trust my God that without some of these people he will save me. I try but fail again. i feel week and frightened. I'v been raised in a house where when Harry Potter came out I couldn't read it becuase it involved witchcraft and the church said it was wrong. I'v always been a little more drawn to dark with the scary movies and books. but when i was in 5th grade it sucked me in completely.

 

I preferred to stay dim but not dark. i still wear all black but now I listen to more music so i won't fall as easily and i try to behave. i don't go to church like my mom. but unlike her i refuse to go to the only one in my neighborhood. the other one is a mile away. i will gladly go if asked. exspecailly with my grandmother who never misses a mass. shes a born again. she was once methidist but now catholic. and she talks me and scolds my mother. but that is sometimes. im also very afraid for there is a rumer, crazy,true, or not that the world will end. everyone is saying the mayans , jean dixon, and nostordomous predicted it. i don't believe that any man can predict when it will end, but it still scares me when i read the past predictions they made that came true. i know its not much at first to do with suicide but to me the timeing means everything.

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