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Never Heard from Wife After Divorce


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It's been 2 years since my wife left me. A little over a year since the official divorce. While I've been able to come to terms with a lot of the what and why of the whole situation through counseling and personal reflection, I still find that even after all this time, it bothers me that we were never able to just talk about what happened.

 

Perhaps that was the only way she could do it.. separate herself completely from the situation. (Things were mainly my fault. Right girl - wrong time for me. I was too immature and did not understand how to be a good husband. I was threatened by the relationship and felt trapped, and acted pretty resentful).

 

I've been able to move on in a lot of ways, but I really wish we could have at least talked about what happened. I wish I could explain to her now that I have some understanding, why I acted why I did. I can honestly say that I could have this conversation without any intent on winning her back. I could not say that a year ago. I just feel like I'd have some peace of mind and be able to fully move forward.

 

I guess my question is, how have any of you moved on fully without having any real closure. I've had to kind of create my own closure, which doesn't seem to be completely satisfying.

 

I should point out that my wife's only fault that I can say she had, was a reluctance to communicate her feelings in a lot of ways.. so I'm sure that also played a part in her just cutting me off completely.

 

Has anyone been through a similar experience?

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Thank you for your replies..

 

You know Alli, I did that at one point. I wrote her a few letters explaining the best I could why I was how I was. The thing is, I don't know at that point if she was reading them or throwing them away. I know right after the separation, when I would write, she would respond and tell me she was grateful for what I'd written, but I wasnt really saying all I needed to say. It took me another year to even begin to realize. Plus, I think at that point I was still trying to win her back. At this point, I could actually talk or write without trying to do that.

 

I've thought of emailing, but it's been so long now, that I'm sure she has completely started a new life, and I'd really feel like I would be invading her privacy. Opening a fresh can of worms! I figure I should probably let it rest.

 

Having experienced it myself, I can honestly say, it's not so easy. I mean I fnd it hard to believe it's been almost 2 years of no contact at all. I can personally vouch that, yes, you do move forward. Time takes care of that. But there just feels sometimes like there is still some unfinished business.

 

MissKitty, I believe what you said is true. In the beginning I remember thinking, Wow, man, she just completely cut me off and shut off like a switch. But I honestly believe she at least at some point cared... and that the only way for her to make herself stay true to what she was trying to do was to sever it completely. Makes sense. Good for her in a way..

 

I just wish I could tell her, hey, people really can change, and I am better because of what happened, although it was too bad it had to be learned that way.

 

Oh well. Gotta deal with what were given to work with right? lol

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Maybe you're feeling this way because of your recent realizations.. you just feel like the relationship ended in a way it shouldn't have. You can't change the past, but you can appreciate the insight you've gained since the divorce. You know what you're mistakes were & you can see things from another person's perspective. You will be grateful when you meet someone new & decide to give it another go & get married again. But this time, you know what right is & have decided not to make the same mistakes again.

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That's definitely true. I have to admit, if my wife hadn't left, I probably would have never realized the things I have. Knowing that is one of the key things that actually helped me get through it. Sometimes I have to make sure to remind myself of that fact.

 

I have dated a bit since then, and can tell I have been affected in positive ways. Live and learn right? Sometimes I'll reflect on the past and think jeeeeeeeeez, what was I thinking, but I try to focus on looking ahead instead.

 

Thanks for the replies

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I definitely agree that in some ways it makes it easier to just cut ties. Though it has undoubtedly been difficult for you, the space gives the wounds more freedom to heal. Being around someone after a breakup/divorce only lets you think about them more and more in ways that don't help you move on. Maybe that's what she was doing by not contacting you - maybe she wants the past to really be the past before she can feel like being friends would work. Maybe when she feels like the two of you have had enough time apart to let that happen, she'll feel like you can really talk about things without any other complicated feelings involved. It may also be a blessing to be apart for a while just because whether you try to avoid it or not, in conversations like that a lot of hurtful things can be said out of resentment or emotional stress. Putting it off until you are both in a good state of mind may be the best thing to do - even when it doesn't feel like it.

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I really appreciate all of your comments. I pretty much agree with what you all have said. I have always respected her privacy, and have not even written a letter since receiving the divorce papers a little over a year ago. Her silence is a powerful statement. I sometimes question her methods, but then again, on the other hand, I can in some ways completely understand it. Thanks for listening!

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