Jump to content

All of a sudden I find myself in a relationship


volpe

Recommended Posts

How did this happen?? Sigh... I spent this whole last weekend with the guy I've been dating lately and I just feel kind of overwhelmed by it. I don't find anything wrong with him. He is a really great guy in a lot of ways. He has some idiosyncracies, but he is a real human being to me for that. He is super smart.

 

But I had a dream last night that I went on a date with someone else.

 

And I felt guilty for it.

 

We've only been dating for three weeks, but all of a sudden it is a full on serious relationship. Like, I'm having cold feet about commitment. I feel kind of overwhelmed. It's not that I don't like him, I do, but... this is too much for me too fast and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to break up with him, but maybe a quarter of me wants to just run away. But then the other 75% feels like I'll regret it.

 

Usually I date jerks and he doesn't seem like one at all. He is very respectful and kind and considerate. I like him. But I am not 100% sure about a relationship, but it seems like we are in one.

 

Has this happened to anyone else here? What did you do?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think I've ever gotten exclusive with someone after a few weeks of dating. I'd feel overwhelmed too. It seems like too much too soon. Did you know this man beforehand? Did he ask you to be exclusive? It's up to you to set the pace and slow things down if you don't feel ready to be exclusive. It takes more than a few weeks to know someone well enough to decide to be in a relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't felt like you, but I've been the guy.

 

Met a girl that has only been with liars, cheaters, and control freaks. I'm not like that in any way.

 

We spent 8 days together in bliss. She got in a car accident and called her ex because his name was on the title.

 

She left me to go back with him because she couldn't believe that I'm for real. She told me that I'm too good to be true to her, and she's going to stay where she knows what to expect.

 

They are now engaged.

 

I fell for this girl the second I kissed her, and it's been heartwrenching to know that she left him because of his ways, and was too afraid to be with a good guy, and so she went back to him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

this is totally normal...

especially if you've been single for awhile, it's very normal to be thinking like this. in fact, i think i did the same thing with my boyfriend.

being in a new relationship can add a whole bunch of stressors.. 'this is too good to be true thoughts'.. or the idea of losing ones independence.

 

if u like him and he is a good guy, i would say try to stop worrying about it and just relax. enjoy his company, it's not like he's asking you to buy a house with him!

if he starts pressuring you too much to commit, just politely tell him that you would like to take it slow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I kind of felt that way when I started dating my bf. I honestly had no intention of being in a serious relationship with him.. we hung out for a week before I had to leave for 6 months. It might feel fast for you.. that's how I felt. But if you enjoy being with him, just let it go on & see what happens. He knows just as well as you do that you've only been hanging out a few weeks, it's not like he expects that you guys will get married next month.

 

It feels weird at first. Give it some time, get to know each other & the idea of maybe being in a relationship & see how it goes. Eventually that desire to run away should go away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well, we haven't had the "talk" specifically, as I am not ready to bring that up (clearly!) But in our conversations, it's clear that he wanted to make sure it was o.k. with me if he hung out with this girl he used to date a long time ago but have been friends for a year. He told me he hasn't felt this way about anyone he has ever dated (including his ex of five years that he broke up with three years ago). We both talked about our previous relationships/sexual experiences and he said he felt he could be in a relationship with me for a long time.

 

So yeah, all the serious conversation makes me feel like we are in a relationship. Like I definitely get the feeling he would be really upset if he knew I was dating someone else. Thus, my cold feet. He is not super jealous or anything, I happened to study for a while with some guy last night and I felt like that would be o.k. with him. But I thought about that, you know what I mean??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think I've ever gotten exclusive with someone after a few weeks of dating. I'd feel overwhelmed too. It seems like too much too soon. Did you know this man beforehand? Did he ask you to be exclusive? It's up to you to set the pace and slow things down if you don't feel ready to be exclusive. It takes more than a few weeks to know someone well enough to decide to be in a relationship.

 

I didn't know him before. The exclusivity has just been implied by conversation... not specifically... Neither of us have said we are "in a relationship" but he has basically introduced me to all of his friends as the woman he is seeing... so yeah...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's so exciting! Don't get scared off because it's new; a relationship has got to start somewhere right? There's no rule on how long you have to date before getting exclusive.

 

I have this friend from Russia I met here in the US. We were in a group & talking. He's married & I asked how long they've been together "2 years" was his answer. She is from California, they met when she was on a trip in Russia. Someone else asked him when he & his wife met. "2 years ago". So basically, she went on a trip, they met, got married, & he moved to California with her. Now that's fast!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

who was the politician that "waffled"? I feel like a waffler. I just sent him an email to get out of the trip to see his family since I have finals afterwards... and then he sent me an email that he would really like me to go but it's my decision. And then I feel like I should go, because I like him. And I feel confused.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aww you should go! Unless it will honestly detract you from studying & you will do worse as a result. Just give it a shot with him, you can always break it off if you decide he isn't the one for you. But don't do it before you know!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

he is a sweetheart. he wanted to come talk and said he'd bring me a sandwhich to the library cause i'm here until it closes. i think i should be honest with him about my cold feet?? i don't want to make him feel bad, but he is a grown man. maybe i will feel better if i tell him how i feel? or should i just keep it to myself? i know we aren't suppose to tell people everything...

 

but really, i think it would affect my grades to go there if i didn't get solid chunks of time to study. i need to clarify with him if that is possible or not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, if you tell him you have cold feet he might think that you are trying to nicely say you do not want to see him at all. I guess it depends on how cold your feet are. If you decide to tell him, make sure you are very clear on what you want him to do.

 

As for the finals.. try to study as much as you can before the trip & see if you can be prepared beforehand. See how it goes & ask him if you can let him know for sure if you can go in a couple days, depending on how much studying you get through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

alli, thank you for your help. i won't tell him about my cold feet. because there really isn't anything specific he can do. i just need to slow things down. that's my own responsibility, not so much his. i have to control myself as well... i am responsible for my own behavior.

 

my program is super intensive. so regardless of how much i study now, i will need to study pretty much every day even when i'm with him on the trip... and i don't know how possible that really is....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

NP. Well, maybe it's a better idea not to go then. You will be more prepared for your exams & maybe it would feel too soon to meet his family anyway. It is definitely important for you to feel comfortable in a relationship. Maybe you would feel more comfortable hanging out with him once or twice a week for a while. If you tell him you want to slow it down a bit but still contact him regularly & express interest I think he would understand. Just try to avoid actually referring to it as "cold feet".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel better now, we talked... and he felt the same way as me!! He also agreed it was best for me to stay because of the number of people in the house and not knowing them and all, they might feel it rude for me to spend all day in an office studying. Plus the drive there will be 13 hours each way!

 

So yeah, we both agreed it's moving kind of fast and all. I didn't clarify the exclusivity thing because I still feel like it's too soon to bring it up and I feel like if I do, it's like I'm telling him that I want to see other people.

 

Anyways, I feel a lot better now. Thank you everyone...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...