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Very confused...


kstinson
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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My wife left me tonight. She took our two year old and told me to kiss him goodbye. This isn't the first time. She has cheated on me with men and women. Constantly says i need to change, even if its something she does. We went to marriage counseling but she claimed they sided with me and it was unfair. I try to do nice things to show her she is important to me. The other night we watched a movie, "The Notebook" and she said she loved the author. So i went and bought the book and put it in her car while she was at work. She seemed happy but that night she blew up and said that i don't make her happy and i don't do anything around the house. I cook every night, i clean the kitchen and do laundry. I feed our son, pick him up, drop him off, etc....But she claims i do nothing for her or him. I was devastated. She always says if we separate she is going to be with a woman, what the counselor refers too as a safety net. She claims to be bi, but i am not open to sharing my wife with someone else. I am not without fault. But the only real faults i have that i agree with her on is i like to drink once or twice a week, and i am not exactly social. She has walked out so many times, yet it always comes down to me asking her to come home. Should i even bother? I know i am a man of my convictions, and thick headed at that...i know it just hasn't worked between us, but this place seems so empty without my son.

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Firstly let me say although I don't have children I totally understand how you must be feeling and your sense of loss.

 

May I ask how old you both are?

 

With all respect it sounds like your wife doesn't know what she wants or indeed appreciate the value of what she has. Cooking every night, cleaning up after you and doing the laundry is very admirable. It sounds like you are pulling your weight more than enough so her claims to 'do more' around the house aren't justified. How much effort does she put in for example? You're hardly a slob for goodness sake!

 

You sound like a considerate and decent bloke if I'm honest.

 

I wouldn't say having a drink once or twice or week is a fault unless you get totally wrecked and do destructive things. You don't come accross as that kind of person. We are all entitled to some kind of reward after a hard week at work. I'm not exactly a social creature either, but not all of us are. Thats not a fault, mearly the kind of person you are.

 

If she claims you don't make her happy and she obviously is totally wreckless with cheating around (and with both sexes), I'd cut my losses right now. You could spend the rest of your life chasing after this person who has no respect nor appreciation for you. You say she's walked out so many times and I guess she's gotten used to you chasing after her. It's time to break the chain I think.

 

Other people might be better placed to answer your question, but I think your focus should be on your son right now. It's time to give that some consideration for the long term, access, support etc. I'd at least start with some time apart and demonstrate that you can't continue this cycle of destruction anymore.

 

It must be mighty tough for you, but hang in there.

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She seems like the kind of person who is unhappy with herself so thereforee is unhappy with everyone around her (including you) and she seems very ungreatful.

 

I can understand how difficult it is to not have your son around. But staying with this woman is only going to send you in sane.

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To answer the questions i am 24. She is 21. When i drink i will drink between a half of a pint and a pint of Bourbon. Not defending the habit, but i grew up on the stuff and cut it back for her. Chasing after he seems to be my downfall. I can be tough as nails when it comes to work, but at home I have always let her have her way. At this point i am not so sure i love her anymore, but our son is the most important thing in my life. I don't want to be hateful and try to take him away from her. But i want to know he is ok, and not around shady people. I will pay child support and then some, even though i am already working 40-60hrs supporting them, not counting her income. The truth is she has sent me close to insane, I really have trouble finding motivation where it was once abundant....I told her this once, but she said i was being dramatic so i went back to being silent about it.

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I work in a nursing home and i told a resident about my situation today and she told me she didn't love me, rather she relied on me. She told me she used my own faults to cover up her own and it wasn't love. This house just seems so empty without our son. It just doesn't feel whole anymore.

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I work in a nursing home and i told a resident about my situation today and she told me she didn't love me, rather she relied on me. She told me she used my own faults to cover up her own and it wasn't love.

This is an incorrect analysis. The truth of the matter about the way this world works is that most people will push you as far as you let them. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, our opinions about it are irrelevant. This is just the way it is and it's smart to accept it cause then you can deal with it in the best way possible.

 

So to get to your situation, obviously she hasn't been treating you fairly, but honestly you haven't been handling the situation right as well. You can see it yourself with your comparison at work. You don't stick up for yourself enough, you don't set boundaries for your wife, thereforee she doesn't see any consequences for her actions.

 

A lot of people will come onto this thread and make judgmental critical comments about how she's wrong for what she does, but remember that is meaningless. The important thing for you to understand is that you need to stick up for yourself more and the change needs to be in the extreme if you want to have a successful relationship with her or any other woman in the future.

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To answer the questions i am 24. She is 21. When i drink i will drink between a half of a pint and a pint of Bourbon. Not defending the habit, but i grew up on the stuff and cut it back for her.

 

Crikey, that is hardly drinking at all by my definition. If you'd have said 10 pints then that would be slight a problem. You carry on, that isn't abnormal at all and don't let anyone tell you that it is.

 

Chasing after her certainly will be your downfall and I think this is beginning to sink in now because it's obviously draining everything out of you. Staying silent and accepting her criticism isn't only causing you more distress, you can't live your life this way, it's isn't healthy for you or your son. You probably need to be more assertive with her too.

 

I work in a nursing home and i told a resident about my situation today and she told me she didn't love me, rather she relied on me. She told me she used my own faults to cover up her own and it wasn't love. This house just seems so empty without our son. It just doesn't feel whole anymore.

 

Words of wisdom and the voice of experience. I feel she is right but then, there is no respect for you here either.

 

I think you know this is likely to get worse before it gets better, but your wife has issues to tackle and lessons to learn. As much as you wish (and you'd probably like) to 'fix' them, you simply can't. As the closest person to her, you can't administer the medicine or the fix. It goes against our human nature in some respects, but that is the reality of the situation. She has to fix herself and you have to let her go and do it.

 

It's painful and hard to accept I know.

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heloladies21 - I am a professional in my industry. I will admit my job is too make my residents happy and i have done well at it. I have no shame in giving myself that merit. However they are partial to me simply because i treat them well. Its a hospitality job, its my place to make them feel welcome. I know i have my faults and she has hers. The truth is i am willing to look past that. She isn't. I would keep on forgiving her, but for once i need that one ounce of forgiveness. I never claimed to be perfect.

 

craigiebabe - My drinking has never caused a problem outside this relationship. It hasn't been a blessing either, but it was a non-issue before and still is with anyone but her and her family. When i am assertive i get beat up. She often posts on a mothers forum, and she will tell them how i am horrible but leave any details about her out. Truth is she is vague about me. Being so vague a small thing can seem very large.

 

I am trying to stick to my guns here, i have always ran for her. Its not that i wouldn't take her back again...but i have always made that decision. Honestly i do have something to prove here, if she loves me truly she will have to come back on her own terms. She left on them. Chasing after her has only proved that i am a push over and that i will let her walk all over me.

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For no other reason than for your own health, both mental and physical, cutting that back to no more than one or two ounces a day at the most would be a good start. When we drink to excess, even if it is just a couple of "binges" a week, we change our perception of reality. It is really hard on the body and the mind.

 

Even if you aren't trying to take anything from her, you will always need to be a healthy person to be a good dad. In life we hope to find the motivation for good behavior in our children. Would you be happy if your child drank at this level later in life? Would it worry you?

 

I always tried not to do things I wouldn't have wanted my daughter to do, even as an adult. We all fail at this to some extent, but we need to try.

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