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How do you re-gain your ability to trust?


sandrawg
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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I've wasted over 2 years of my life with men who have lied to me, engaged in shady behavior, and pretty much spat all over my insecurities and need to feel safe.

 

My ex-ex was engaging in a flirtaton w/another woman whom he took every opportunity to compare to me, and I always came up short. He was also trying to hook up with other girls behind my back (I found out when he let me use his email)...I'm a couple of weeks out of my last relationship, where my ex was hanging on to HIS ex, and lying to me about it (once again, I found out because he left his email open on my computer).

 

I've had the trust I put in these 2 ex-bfs just blown out of the water. Plus, the fact that I had gut feelings they were lying, but had to resort to snooping to find out the truth, made me feel like crap about myself. I am not a snoop. I NEVER want to have to do something so low again, just to confirm or disaffirm my gut feelings.

 

I'm at a loss. I know trust is the most important thing besides communication in a relationship, but how can I move forward, feeling like I can trust the next person I get involved with, after these upsetting experiences?

 

I think it sucks that I'm the one who was lied to, yet I have to go to all this effort and work - will probably have to go back into therapy - to make myself a person suitable enough to be in a relationship again...

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I figure if people can forgive someone that molested them and a mother can forgive a man that killed her son, then we can forgive ourselves and our exes for things they have done wrong.

Therapy and self-help books on forgiveness are very helpful. Check link removed for a good forgiveness * * * * .

 

Goodluck!

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sweetheart, your not the only one with trust issues. remember that. its not just a matter of just giving away your trust to someone; they have to earn it, and prove they are worthy of receiving your trust. it seems that what you've gained from past experiences though, is to be sure about who you place trust in, and that YOU know what kind of relationship you want! not one where you have to snoop or be emotionally traumatised. theres no need to compromise yourself and your feelings in any future relationships anymore. time will be a relevator in the process, and kill the pain..

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i feel you! i've been in that position too, seems like a lot of the guys i've dated the last few years are similar to what you have described. all i can say is to guard your heart, don't give it to a guy until you get to know him and feel that he's ok and not a liar or a creep. take your time with a relationship, and if you feel things aren't adding up, then drop him like a hot rock.

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This is a really important post. So many people who have snooped or felt mistrust are painted as insecure, crazy, psychopaths. This is not always the case!! Liars and terrible people cause their partners to lose their minds sometimes.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way, just give yourself time and remember there are trustworthy men out there somewhere.

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This is a really important post. So many people who have snooped or felt mistrust are painted as insecure, crazy, psychopaths. This is not always the case!! Liars and terrible people cause their partners to lose their minds sometimes.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way, just give yourself time and remember there are trustworthy men out there somewhere.

 

Yeah-funny huh? My ex told me I was the "most insane person he knows." Sorry, but he's a lot crazier than me-he had a temper tantrum and broke my phone AND his own laptop a few weeks ago...yeah, I guess it makes NO sense to not trust what someone tells you, after they've been busted for lying more than once.

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sweetheart, your not the only one with trust issues. remember that. its not just a matter of just giving away your trust to someone; they have to earn it, and prove they are worthy of receiving your trust. it seems that what you've gained from past experiences though, is to be sure about who you place trust in, and that YOU know what kind of relationship you want! not one where you have to snoop or be emotionally traumatised. theres no need to compromise yourself and your feelings in any future relationships anymore. time will be a relevator in the process, and kill the pain..

 

I agree with this. And also trust your instincts and gut, you can usually just feel if someone if bsing or being honest with you. Trust should be earned and for the most part comes with time, I would think someone can't hold out lying or hiding something for months before getting caught.

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You and I are in the same boat, S. This last girl makes the third loser for me.

 

I wish there was some easy solution, but I don't think there is. My belief is that trust is not assumed, but it is earned. Some people may think it's wrong for me to feel that way, but I've learned the hard way what can happen if you let people lead you around. That is not to say that we should give everyone a hard time, but we should certainly be vigilant and watch out.

 

I would say it starts with trusting your gut. Even if you have alot of self-doubt (like me), the gut, thankfully still manages to break through!! Ignore your gut, like I've done many times, and then you find yourself with unworthy people, who can do major psychological damage to you.

 

For me, the rebuilding process is going to therapy and journaling. Therapy is helping me to get feelings out of me, helping me to understand them better. The journaling is a venting mechanism, and I also think it will be a good guide for the future. If I can hang onto the journal, I can consult it later when I'm in tough situations, try to remember how I felt. Can be used to remind me to trust my gut!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sandrawg

 

As you know with my similar situation it is so hard. My previous ex of 7 years lied, cheated and abused me. So when I met the next ex I spent eight months getting to know him before I would go into a relationship with him. We talked about 5 hours a day. I thought I knew this person inside out..............and you know the rest of the story.

 

I am so scared about being able to trust again. I was so cautious and it back fired so now i question my own judgement.

 

I think we just have to keep on working on ourselves- therapists books etc

 

But its a long road. recovering after abuse means rebuilding your entire self esteem. thats the hard part.

 

wish you lived closer would love a really good friend to hang out with!

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I think a good approach would be to not rush into anything serious when the next person comes along. Take the time to just hang out with the person, get to know them as a friend, before things take off. That way, you can be sure you are giving your time and heart to someone you really know and understand.

 

Rushing has bitten me a few times already. I'm determined now to take things slow, and if the other person is not ok with that, then I won't be involved with them.

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