He Left...Now What? (very long)

[abitbroken]

I am not sure whether this should be in the 'breaking up" or 'getting back together' category, but either way, we do have to have contact with eachother sometime as we have a house, a life, etc...that needs to be taken care of and sorted out.

 

I am 35 years old, and my husband is 41. we don't have kids (just 3 pets) We have been married 3 years and together for 12.

 

In the past year, my husband has had some medical problems that have turned our life on its ear. Initially he was recovering well physically and mentally. Then at about the year mark he had a setback which of course this frustrated the heck out of him. On top of it, we were having money issues because of all the medical emergencies going on. I was optimistic, seeing there was a light at the end of the tunnel and in his mind the only answer was to stop paying the bills completely which I did not give in to.

 

Anyways, he comes from a very toxic family. There are many wonderful people in his extended family - but in his immediate it is often a nightmare. In fact, the extended family is aware of it and just has to put up with this one family unit to some extent. Basically, they treated him like garbage, but to other people, they extoll how he is just the best man in the world and they should be so lucky as to know him. It is really strange. And they treat strangers very well - shower them with gifts, go places with them, and family and close friends they treat like absolute trash.

 

We had been going through a little rough patch and we were going to see a counselor but that was put on hold. One morning, the mother came over to pick him up, even though he told her no (boundary issue) and later she went home, only to return with his sister also and they came both bursting through the door pointing fingers and being all in a tizzy to argue my husband's side of things. And for the next two days, they were there almost 24/7 just hammering away at me. the sister came over again too after work and things escalated to the point that they would not allow me to be on the phone without being on speaker. A friend called, relatives called, etc, and they got treated to barely being able to hear me with my in-laws yelling over me about how terrible I am and that they don't really know me, etc and calling me all sorts of names. It got to the point that they threatened to break my phone and to the point that someone who called had called the police because it sounded like I could have been physically hurt next.

 

When the police arrived, they acted really nice and sweet to him, and he just asked them to leave and cool off and come back in the morning. Well, they also took my cell phone, the car keys and all spares, the car, my bicycle, the debit card, and took the battery from one of the home phone receivers. My dad couldn't get ahold of me after hearing all that, as they had disconnected the home phone the next morning, so he drove 3 states away to come and was hoping he didn't get there too late.

 

My husband never came home after days and days, nor did he call, and I just had $5 in my purse and a dish full of change to my name, and my dad urged me to come home with him until things blew over. So I packed up the cat, dog, and fish, a picture of my family my sister in law threw on the floor, and some clothes, and left the house. I left a note how to reach me. btw, the bank account was also closed and the tv was shut off too. My husband kept saying over and over that last day that he was going to take the cat and he would let me have the dog, but since he didn't take him and also left us with no money, etc, I guess I can say he didn't care all that much at all.

 

A week later I got a message that he went to the hospital and a doctor had ordered that i am not allowed to see him for 3 months becase I gave him a nervous breakdown (not doctors words, this is what his sister said), but when my dad talked to her, she backpeddled and said one month. I never received any of the supposed information she was going to send me from the doctor so i bet she lied.

 

I mean, what gets me is that something could have happened to me or the pets in a week with no way for anyone to get in touch with me. Also, the physical intimacy was still there in our marriage (as much as was reasonable considering medical issues), and a few days before we had a fun day together). a few weeks before we realized that it would be good to have some time apart as far as me going out a couple times a week even if it was just to work at the library as through the illness we didn't have that normal seperation during the day that is healthy for couples, but we were just starting to arrange that.

 

Anyways, it is another 3-4 weeks and still no phone call or email or anything from my husband.

 

I know if his family had not been there, the situation wouldn't have escalated so much. I don't have a feeling that his family will set him straight as every sibling is divorced and the one sister likes to tell people she will pay for whoever to file.

 

My dad and friends thinks that I deserve so much better (i feel guilty to think that could be a whole other person). I am going to counseling where I am at and going to support groups and am trying to get stronger. I think I am almost strong enough to go back and tell him that I am not going back with him unless certain conditions of treatment towards me are met, but others have the opinion that he can't really be with me until he separates from his family. They all go through periods of not talking for months when something happens and then calling again like nothing happened.

 

I do realize that there has been emotional/verbal abuse going on for longer than I admit in the family, but I also believe he is not in a good state of affairs medically and think the outside pressures are something that has really affected him too. Some of the things were so hurtful and manipulative.

 

You will probably ask "what i did" - well when things really flared up it was about an unpaid bill. we have been very strapped and I was a little behind on paying it. Not good, but looking back, I don't think it warranted what happened.

 

So for the moment, I am sort of in limbo. I am thinking about trying to contact him again - i have no clue where he is or what but i have an idea. I just am really perplexed. It is one thing to be dating and fall off the face of the earth but when you have a house, business, etc, you really can't.

 

what would you do in my shoes? i don't know if NC is good in this case - there has been no contact but given the circumstances...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You do have to settle the joint property if nothing else, so you could contact him under the pretext of asking him what he wants to do about that and see if he's calmed down and wants to talk.

 

And it is really beastly of them to steal your means of communication and close joint bank accounts etc. He must have been behind that though, because his family can't close those accounts for him i think.

 

At a minimum, if he agrees to talk you need to get to a marriage counselor immediately who will tell him in no uncertain terms that his family needs to butt out.

 

And if he won't talk to you at all, then perhaps you should be consulting an attorney and filing for divorce so that you can get your half of the joint assets back.

[mattyg50]

if you need someone to talk too, pm me and i will call you

i also have a hard time dealing with things. and i pray i can help others

[abitbroken]

You do have to settle the joint property if nothing else, so you could contact him under the pretext of asking him what he wants to do about that and see if he's calmed down and wants to talk.

 

And it is really beastly of them to steal your means of communication and close joint bank accounts etc. He must have been behind that though, because his family can't close those accounts for him i think.

 

At a minimum, if he agrees to talk you need to get to a marriage counselor immediately who will tell him in no uncertain terms that his family needs to butt out.

 

And if he won't talk to you at all, then perhaps you should be consulting an attorney and filing for divorce so that you can get your half of the joint assets back.

 

There isn't too much to speak of. The car is a few years old, we had to put some money into it. It runs well, but doesn't have a high resale value. The house - we bought it at the peak and then the value went down so there is no equity in it. So basically its the fishtank, the furniture, and what's in the fridge. The house will be worth it if we were to keep paying the mortgage for a couple years until the market recovered, but I can't afford it on my own and neither can he.

 

Oh yeah, he definitely closed the bank account but what i mean is that they got him in such a state...they can really screw up your thinking, and know how to push his buttons.

[abitbroken]

What I also am just perplexed by - we have gotten through so much together, and after being together this long he does this. I can't help but think his medical condition has also changed his feelings a little bit as far as making him depressed. Or maybe that's just what I am telling myself....

[abitbroken]

if you need someone to talk too, pm me and i will call you

i also have a hard time dealing with things. and i pray i can help others

 

I appreciate the offer, but I'm a little vulnerable right now, so I am staying away from phone conversations with guys i run into/potential new male friendships even if platonic until I get my head glued on straight. If that makes any sense. Thank you though, I really appreciate it.

[odile]

wow, what a nightmare! i wish i had some good insight, and/or advice, but mostly the whole thing sounds pretty unreal. BeStrongBeHappy's advice sounds pretty spot-on.

 

regarding the joint assets, if you are both on the mortgage (for example), you will be held responsible should he fail to hold his end of the deal. even if there is no equity in the house, it could be a liability.

it seems that he is not acting rationally (for whatever reason), because he is allowing them to behave in that fashion. so, regardless of whether you think there's the possibility of something being worked out or not relationship-wise, you need to keep the accounts and records sorted, and make sure you have at copies of all important paperwork. watch your back.