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I've been feeling super sad and paranoid lately. I ate a lot today, like I did after my rape.

 

I don't feel good at all.

 

I think I realize how crappy my life is. Nothing is the way it's supposed to be, and I'm just existing right now.

 

I feel like crying is so useless, and I'm used to surpressing my tears. It just seems pointless, I feel it'll only make me feel more depressed than I already am.

 

I think certain things are really just starting to sink in.

 

It's just really hard, and I hate feeling so sad.

 

I think about taking anti-depressants, but I don't want to do that again. But I'm losing sight of the possibility of having a future.

 

Things are starting to seem pointless, and I'm feeling a little empty.

 

And I'm a people person for the most part, but I'm feeling drained.

 

I feel like I just want to hide. But I can't. I'm going to be around people, because I have a job.

 

And then it's hard when people say you're so happy, but you really just don't feel it inside.

 

I know it's a compliment, but it's sometimes feels like a burden I have to bear.

 

I always have to make sure I'm on the up and up when I'm in public, and it becomes quite difficult.

 

I've been focusing on so many things really.

 

But you know, this is not a dream. This is not some big dream/nightmare that I'm going to wake up from.

 

This is my life right now, and it makes me very sad.

 

I've always been one to daydream, create my own little world to deal with my problems.

 

And the other day my mom said my life is just going to pass me by and I'm going to wonder what happened.

 

And I really believe that is true.

 

I know I was raped, I've acknowledge it, talked about it, been to therapy for it. But I've been able to keep it at arms length.

 

I've suffered with all of the side effects, and it's been hard, but still...when I talked about it, I could imagine I was analyzing someone else's bad situation.

 

And now, I think I'm seeing that this isn't something I can hide from, in my own little world.

 

After rape, I got fat. And I have to change this. I just have to. I mean, I have to find the motivation to change.

 

This is not the way I was, and it's not the way I'm supposed to be. And I really need help.

 

When I'm out and about, I feel thin. I act like I did when I was thin. But in the mirror, I'm fat.

 

And it's not okay.

 

It's almost been 3 years. That's an awful long time.

 

I can't be happy like this. I feel ashamed, I don't want to be out in public.

 

And I know that I had these issues before. Even when I was thin, I felt self-conscious, and ashamed most of the time.

 

But this time, I honestly have a reason to.

 

And I've just been a mess lately. I don't know what to do. I try to distance myself from the reality as much as possible.

 

I can talk about rape, just fine. But I haven't really felt it, the way I'm feeling it now.

 

I feel like such a mess. And I really need help. I really do. I need someone to make me see things clearly.

 

I'm becoming hyper-sensitive again, and I can't afford that. I can't afford to be an emotional wreck.

 

I haven't done anything to trigger.....

 

I mean, lately, I've even been feeling more comfortable about my ex's homosexuality.

 

I mean, I never thought I'd come to grips with that, and I have.

 

Why is it, that when I make a little progress, I take a step back.

 

It's like I let go of one thing, and another comes popping up in my face.

 

My life just really sucks. And I numb myself to the disappointment for the most part.

I try to be optimistic and ignore the feelings that are too much to handle.

 

But I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want my life to pass me by.

I want to be happy.

 

I want to look at life through a clear, and happy filter.

 

This is just unacceptable. I can feel myself going into self-destruct mode, and I have to find a way to stop it.

 

I can't continue to live like this. I need my power back. I need help.

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Grace, why not give anti depressants a try again? I understand that you may not want to do that, but some of us just need them from time to time and there's nothing wrong with that..it's medicine and something your body needs. You don't need to feel this way and the right meds can help you get through this. Depression can feel like you're falling into a black hole and when you've experienced it in the past, you know what's coming. I know that you can see what's coming because you said that you can feel yourself go into self destruct mode. You have had alot to deal with and it's natural to need help to get through it. What about therapy?

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Feeling like a failure, mum? This i...
Feeling like a failure, mum? This is what you need to hear

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