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Does he really love her?


Jybolybey7

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Hello everyone,

I am a 21 year old college student and my best friend, Lindsey, is the same age as me. We both are in serious relationships, but I am concerned for my friend and the relationship she is in. Her boyfriend is four years older than her, but he is extremely irresponsible for his age. They have lived together for a year, been together for two years. Her boyfriend drinks almost every day and ALWAYS puts his friends before her. He works with his friends, who are alcoholics and heavy drug users, at a low paying job. He isn't motivated at all to get any sort of degree to further his education. Lindsey planned her college and work schedule around him so she can spend valuable time with him in the evenings, but he inconsiderately disregards that and stays out late after work with his friends, just drinking and doing drugs. He tells her it takes him over an hour to drive home from a job that is only twenty miles away, when really he goes to his friend’s house after work to drink, even though he works at the same place as them all day. She has cried to him numerous times about this, and I know that she shouldn’t be his last priority, but she should be his first. My boyfriend would never treat me this way, and it makes me sad for Lindsey to have to deal with this. She deserves better than this. She deserves a man who will love her just as much as she loves him. A man who will be romantic and put her first in his life, and a man who has future goals. The other night after work she asked me if she could get a ride with me and wait at my apartment while she tried to reach her boyfriend from his friends' cell phones b/c he is too stubborn to get his own cell phone. However, I felt terrible when I had to tell her I had special plans with my boyfriend that evening when I got home from work. My boyfriend and I also live together and sometimes we make plans in our busy lives that we look forward to, such as making special dinners together or planning a romantic evening to spend quality time together. But last week I felt terrible telling Lindsey I was sorry, that I had special plans with my boyfriend that we were looking forward to together all day. I feel mad at her boyfriend that he is never there for her when she really needs him to be, and then I find myself feeling so guilty when I have my own plans with my boyfriend, who puts me first in his life and I do the same for him. If her boyfriend won’t be there for her at night to pick her up from her job, I end up feeling bad for continuing my own plans with my boyfriend in the evening. Knowing her boyfriend won’t take the initiative to pick her up from work like a gentleman, or come home right when he’s done with work to show her that he can’t wait to see her upsets me so much. Instead, her boyfriend puts his friends first 99% of the time by spending most nights after work at friends' houses while Lindsey sadly waits around for him. I understand that he should have friends, but they shouldn't be more important than his own girlfriend. Besides that, he does acid, (when personally, I think he should grow up and start getting serious instead of caring about acid so regularly). He does drug deals from her cell phone,and is never there for her when she needs a ride home from work or school. He was late picking her up from work recently and showed up drunk. Also, she cried when her uncle died and she sat by him where he was laying down, and when he saw her crying, he just turned over and went to sleep. I am so upset and frustrated for my friend, and I can tell how unhappy she is inside. She doesn't put her foot down in her relationship or demand respect from him the way she should. This is her first serious relationship, so I know how it feels to go through this with an irresponsible guy who doesn’t love you the way he should because I’ve been through it, we all have. You go on, hoping that person will love you back the way you love them. But I'm afraid she will waste her life with this unmotivated guy who makes her unhappy so frequently. By now, he knows that he can walk all over her and put her on the back burner because she unknowingly allows him to do it. She told me they got in a fight once and he left angrily and went to his friends' house, and when he came back she could smell booze on his breath. I would be so hurt if my boyfriend did this during an argument, and I know these things are hurting my friend. When they argue, she said her boyfriend talks about moving back to the east coast, where he is originally from. Lindsey also admitted that her boyfriend is so irresponsible with money and she is not. Instead of saving money, he spends it on drugs, which he goes through like underwear. My friend is smart, loving, beautiful, and extremely kind and giving. Any guy would be lucky to have her. Her boyfriend is a fun guy and good to have a conversation with, but he seems more like a buddy than a considerate, loving, helpful, supportive, romantic boyfriend. I give her advice whenever she is hurting, and I have told her to tell him all of her feelings, to write a long letter, not blaming him for anything, but just telling him how she feels. She did this, but he still puts his friends before her so frequently. She planned on going to a concert with her boyfriend and his friends last night. Instead of him picking her up from work at 6:00 on a Friday night, her boyfriend hung out at his friends’ house and smoked pot and drank until they finally showed up to meet Lindsey a half hour before the concert. I had given my friend a ride to her house and waited for her boyfriend with her, but I felt bad for her when he and his friends walked in drinking beer, all ready to party at the concert. Meanwhile, Lindsey was not included in any of the pre-concert fun. Her boyfriend should have been there for her when she was done with work to see how her day was and get ready to go to the concert with her, instead of just pre-partying with his friends. It's not like he had to work late on a Friday night at the factory he works at. This type of situation is so common with him. She waits around for him, he puts his friends and drinking first. She has to walk to a bus stop at night after work, and then wait forever for the bus, and then sit on the long bus ride home. Wouldn’t a loving, caring boyfriend offer to pick her up from work instead of carelessly drinking and partying with his friends after work??? What about his loving, sweet girlfriend? Shouldn't he be excited to see her, to ask her how her day was?? How can I help my friend realize that she will never be able to change his behavior, that a person can only change if they want to change. I know the potential of my friend, and I don’t want her to waste her life with this guy because I know in my heart that she could do way better. I have told her that if he was my boyfriend, he wouldn’t be my boyfriend anymore because he is inconsiderate of her needs and emotions and does not appreciate her the way he should. Deep down, I know she feels like she might be wasting her time. But it’s so hard to end your first serious relationship with a guy, and I understand that because I've been there and I've been hurt like this with my first love. Sorry this is long, but please give me advice on how to help my friend/what to say to my friend from now on because this has been going on for a while now and I don't know what to say or do anymore for her, and I just keep getting more angry towards her boyfriend. Thank you for reading this.

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Its your friend who should get you upset not her BF...she is in a toxic relationship and her drama is spillilng over into your life...your friend isn't the victim you think she is...put some space between you and her and focus on your life...you can only lead a horse to water, can't make'em drink.

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