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The ex emailed me last night, but I started it.


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But, I started it...here's what happened...

 

My dad had called me at work yesterday. I've been talking to my parents about this relationship, especially during the breakup. I've been talking more so to my mom than dad though. When my dad called, he asked me why I broke up with her - what didn't I like about her. I told him some of the reasons, concerns I had. He pretty much shot down every concern I brought up. He said I was being insecure and worrying too much. He actually used the phrase, "you need to be a man."

 

So, this sent me into yet another tailspin. I started to doubt myself and everything so bad. While driving in the evening, I called her. She didn't answer. Several hours later around after 10pm, she sends me a text asking why I called her. I called her back about 30 min later, and she didn't pick up. In about 20 minutes, she called me back, and we talked.

 

I told her I was sorry for some of the stupid things I did. She said she felt like she treated me very well, and she still doesn't understand why I broke up with her. I brought up some things, but she didn't seem to understand why they bothered me. It didn't turn into an argument, thankfully.

 

One thing that I thought was weird was I kept hearing all of this background noise. I asked her if she was driving and she said yes. It was around 11-11:30pm at that time. I've always had some suspicion about her still being with her ex while we were dating. I asked her what she was up to, and she said she was driving home from a friend's house. I wondered if maybe she was coming home from seeing her ex. It just seemed to be a little strange to be driving home from a friend's at 11:30pm on a weeknight, texting me back instead of calling, not picking up when I called... but it could be just my paranoia.

 

After about 30 minutes of talking, I was starting to get really nervous and worked up, so I said I was going to go. She told me that she loved me, and I should have never thought otherwise. She told me she loved me more than anyone else she's ever dated. We got off the phone.

 

I checked my email around 12:30am, and I got an email from her. I really want to post the email here, but I'm not sure if I should. It basically said again what she said on the phone. I'm going to pull out a few lines.

 

"I don't want you to ever, ever think that I did not like you or love you. I liked so many things about you- I would and could make another list of 50 things that I like about you easily. "

 

"I'm sad and sorry that we are not together.

Please, please, please don't ever think that I didn't like you or love you. Maybe i didn't love you the way you needed to be loved, or maybe I didn't do a good enough job of showing you, but PLEASE don't ever doubt that. I loved you or liked you. I was so attracted to you physically, and emotionally. It actually scared me that I feel the way I feel about you. And it was exciting, but scary that I looked forward (really looked forward to) every Friday so I could seeyou and be with you."

 

" I love you more than I could ever imagine loving any boyfriend.

Please, please, please try to be happy- that's really what I want for you."

 

I tried to call her about 30 minutes after I got this email, but she didn't pick up. It was late by then - around 1am. I sent her a text that I loved her and missed her, but was very scared.

 

When we were dating, she would sometimes call me or text me in the morning, so I was hoping to hear back from her this morning, but she hasn't responded at all to my phone call or text. I have no idea what's going on. I really wish she would call me back or something. I feel totally in the dark here.

 

I'm wondering why she said she loves me more than any boyfriend. I'm wondering why she said she's sad that we are not together. Does this mean she wants me back??? I mean, the guy she dated before me she dated for 6 YEARS and we only dated for 3 months. How can she love me so much more???

 

I'm trying to make sense of all of this....What should I do?????

 

I know this was partially my fault, because I let my dad get to me and I called her. Those of you who have followed my previous threads are aware of my concerns, why I kept breaking up with her. When someone writes you an email like this, it makes you want to throw it all out the window and just run back.

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The big question is do you know what you want? Do you love her or are you just dreading the fact that she will find someone else.Afterall you finished the relationship.Are the reasons you finished no longer valid?

 

If you have come to the realisation that you made an error,then start working your ass off to get her back and hope she forgives you.

 

Paranoia and a wandering mind are lethal poison in many relationships.Try and deal with these issues.Remember no relationship is perfect and no person is flawless.If you love someone accept their faults too,or life will constantly disappoint you.

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I have read your previous posts and I know deep down you know what is best. You are being too hard on yourself in terms of this break in NC. This happens to us all. The bigger issue is your not falling back into the same pattern. The question really is--would you rather experience this breakup and heartache now or do you just want to prolong it for another year or two (or worse 20-30!)? Stay strong, chalk it up as a set back, and start NC again. You are a great person and I'm sending you all of the strength I have (even though I can't seem to use it on myself!)

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The question really is--would you rather experience this breakup and heartache now or do you just want to prolong it for another year or two (or worse 20-30!)?

 

From your post, you are basically saying not to believe her and I will get my heartbroken anyway. I have the same fear. This is the tough part....

 

When I read all of the stuff she wrote, but think about some of the things that she did, I'm not sure what to believe. Then, you have some people telling me I'm insecure and shouldn't have been upset by some things she did.

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You opened a can of worms...it sounds like you are addicted to the drama...because you keep running back. This is totally dysfunctional and I don't think either of you understand what love really is...this is not love, this is co-dependence.

 

I'm really not addicted to drama. I'm addicted to figuring this out.

 

I really wish you wouldn't call me dysfunctional or say that I don't know what love is. I know what love is.

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The question really is--would you rather experience this breakup and heartache now or do you just want to prolong it for another year or two (or worse 20-30!)? Stay strong, chalk it up as a set back, and start NC again.

 

Great Advice.

 

I'll keep this in my mind next time urges are around.

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I think that if it had only been three months, and you were feeling this much doubt and fighting, then maybe it's best to let this one go. I don't know what your problems were with her, but you mentioned that some people were labeling you as "insecure". Whether that's true or not is sort of irrelevant, though, because it was your interaction with this particular person that brought that behavior out in you. I'm not saying we aren't responsible for our own behavior- we are, and if you feel that you have insecurities to work on, by all means explore that- but sometimes there are people in our lives that are just going to push certain buttons with us. This seems less about something being wrong with you or her and more about it just being a bad match.

 

At the very least, take a break and try dating others. I know it's hard when you're struggling with a breakup, but it might make you feel better to see the possibilities out there.

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I'm really not addicted to drama. I'm addicted to figuring this out.

 

I really wish you wouldn't call me dysfunctional or say that I don't know what love is. I know what love is.

 

I have to agree with CAD here...it's an addiction and codependence--you've even said it yourself taht you're codependent. Often, codependents think they are in love but really they will latch on to anyone to feel needed and complete. To me it sounds as though this is what you're doing.

 

I did the same thing wiht my ex--I very much loved him but I still held on much longer than I shoudl have b/c I knew someone out there had any sort of feeling for me and I needed to feel taht in order to get through my days. I only ended up hurting myself terribly.

 

One thing she said really irked me--"even though you made me crazy at times." She's putting all responsibility on you and not taking any responsibility for herself or her actions.

 

You need to stop writing her and calling her. Don't let your dad get to you--don't even talk to anyone who doesn't understand about this relationship. I used to try to talk to my sister about my ex and all she'd say is I'm being stupid for wanting him. Some people don't understand.. come here instead of talking to anyone who doesn't understand.

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I'm really not addicted to drama. I'm addicted to figuring this out.

 

I really wish you wouldn't call me dysfunctional or say that I don't know what love is. I know what love is.

 

You have broken up with her and then contacted her to get back together multiple times...she had threatened suicide during one of those breakups...you dumped her yet again and now you contact her and listen to all her fluff words about love. All in a span of three months...there has been very little peace and tranquility in this relationship...endless talks, endless reprimands endless angst. This is indeed co-dependence and a dysfuntional relationship and is not about love.

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