Cognitive_Canine Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 My guess? She wanted advice on how to tell him this is hurting her. Ironically, I agreed with CAD's earlier advice - don't hit him with it until after the bday is over, because it promotes bad feeling and it can wait. I think OP is upset that this turned into a referendum on her relationship, and I probably would feel some type of way, too. She's not asking for opinions on her relationship, she's asking how to word to her bf and when that she is disappointed. So, OP, to answer you, I'd wait until you were alone and just tell him most of what you said here and see what he says to that. If you go back and read my posts, I never said leave him. The OP is overreacting to this far too much. One poster mentioned that their relationship was unhealthy and she may want to think about breaking it off and she starts to get mad at all of us. Link to comment
LaylaL Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 My guess? She wanted advice on how to tell him this is hurting her. Ironically, I agreed with CAD's earlier advice - don't hit him with it until after the bday is over, because it promotes bad feeling and it can wait. I think OP is upset that this turned into a referendum on her relationship, and I probably would feel some type of way, too. She's not asking for opinions on her relationship, she's asking how to word to her bf and when that she is disappointed. So, OP, to answer you, I'd wait until you were alone and just tell him most of what you said here and see what he says to that. Thank you, since you seem to be the only one who actually wants to help and not bash me, damn! Yes, the only thing is, is that I don't like pretending stuff is OK when it is not. I hate liars and it feels like waiting until later is lying in a way. Like, if I grin in his face and am all "Happy birthday" it will seem weird days later to say "Oh btw, I felt bad you didn't invite me, blah, blah." But I don't want to ruin his bday. That would to me seem selfish and unncessary. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 >>She's black and he's white. She says that is a reason his friends don't like her/feel uncomfortable. Well, if he's hanging around with racist friends, then he'd better learn to start standing up for you. He's treating you like his dirty little secret, OK to date behind the scenes, but not to take out in public or to parties? That is like a throwback to the 1950s!! I honestly don't know anybody who behaves this way in today's day and age unless the boyfriend is WILLING to allow them to treat you this way. Unless he is happy and willing to openly stand up and declare he loves you and they'd better accept you (otherwise he won't continue to be friends with them), then you have a MAJOR problem here. I think you should tell him that he not only hurt your feelings, but that he should stop encouraging and tolerating the racist attitudes of his friends who want to exclude you. Not comfortable with you? Ridiculous! Time for them to get over it and join the 21st century. If he can't bring you out into the open in all situations, then you're his dirty little secret, and you should have more self respect than that and stand up for yourself. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 She said in a previous post that the boyfriend is Black and she is Pakistani. Well, since I was taken to task for using the very appropriate word "childish" I will rephrase and say that the OP is out of line for trashing people who are seeing the bigger picture of her relationship. We are not obligated to answer only the question asked, we are entitled to make a comment on the bigger picture that this relationship is unhealthy..especially seeing your other threads and all the other issues you have had with him. Link to comment
tsarevnaelena Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 She said in a previous post that the boyfriend is Black and she is Pakistani. OK, must've misread. Sorry. We are not obligated to answer only the question asked, we are entitled to make a comment on the bigger picture that this relationship is unhealthy..especially seeing your other threads and all the other issues you have had with him. Respectfully disagree here, and I honestly think that is why so many threads get shut down here. I skip tons of posts that I know will degenerate into namecalling, cursing and just OT stuff. This is a board to get advice. While it is not YOUR problem if the people posting for advice don't want to hear what people have to say, I also think it's not fair for someone to ask a question pertaining to a certain event and then be hit with stuff brought up in previous posts that might not even be relevant to the situation. It's just my opinion. People come in asking specific questions. I think they are entitled to having answers. I don't necessarily mean you CAD, since you DID initially answer the question, but again, in my opinion, it would have been wise to just stop there. *shrugs* Link to comment
Ac143 Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I didn't read everyones replies but no matter what the situation is here, your BF should invite you to his BDAY party. It would be pretty lame if he didn't. If he loves you and is proud of you, he WILL find a way to have you there. Not having a car, his friend being the DD or whatever are just excuses. I would be beyond hurt if my BF pulled this stunt on me and you have every right to tell him how this makes you feel. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 OK, must've misread. Sorry. Respectfully disagree here, and I honestly think that is why so many threads get shut down here. I skip tons of posts that I know will degenerate into namecalling, cursing and just OT stuff. This is a board to get advice. While it is not YOUR problem if the people posting for advice don't want to hear what people have to say, I also think it's not fair for someone to ask a question pertaining to a certain event and then be hit with stuff brought up in previous posts that might not even be relevant to the situation. It's just my opinion. People come in asking specific questions. I think they are entitled to having answers. I don't necessarily mean you CAD, since you DID initially answer the question, but again, in my opinion, it would have been wise to just stop there. *shrugs* I believe helping someone means pointing out things that they may not be able to see. It would be like if I asked someone to tell me if the tag of my shirt was hanging out when the bigger picture was not the measly tag on the shirt but the fact that I had toilet paper streaming out of my pants because I had just been to the bathroom. A person would be very remiss in just answering my question and not giving me the heads up about the toilet paper just because I didn't ask if everything looked okay with the back of my pants. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I believe helping someone means pointing out things that they may not be able to see. It would be like if I asked someone to tell me if the tag of my shirt was hanging out when the bigger picture was not the measly tag on the shirt but the fact that I had toilet paper streaming out of my pants because I had just been to the bathroom. A person would be very remiss in just answering my question and not giving me the heads up about the toilet paper just because I didn't ask if everything looked okay with the back of my pants. On an added note, a lot of posters simply can't see whether or not their relationship is unhealthy. Some even refuse to see it. There is no reason to get angry about it. I've posted many times where someone said that I might want to think about breaking up. I read it, brought it into consideration and thought about the points that they brought up and then it didn't bother me because I logically could see whether or not our relationship was healthy. The fact that the OP reacted in the way that she did is sort of a red flag. Link to comment
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