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Bf didn't invite me to his bday celebrations. :(


LaylaL

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I posted here a while ago about how I do not know how to drive or have a drivers license. My bf is saying that is why he is not asking me to come out with him this weekend (his bday is Sunday). He says he wants to drink, and the DD he has is this friend of his who can't stand me and it would be awkward to ask the friend to drive us both. I am upset about this, he just told me last night. He said he wants to spend his birthday day with me doing something, and that's nice, but I am still upset, esp. since on his myspace, his status is "Hey come party with me this wknd!" He said that the people he is inviting are people who drive. We met last year a few weeks aftr his bday so wasn't an issue and I live in a big city where it's bad to even drive so we took cabs for my bday.

 

My friends say wait til after his bday to tell him it made me sad because if I tell him now, he'll either get mad and it'll ruin his bday or he'll invite me out of obligation because I am upset. Is that good advice? I always think it is best to clear the air in a relationship when there are problems.

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I think in a relationship if you are upset you also have to take into account timing and the other person's situation. Sure, there are some situations that require immediate attention but if it's just that you need to clear the air, if you do it now, or on his bday it will look like you are trying to ruin his bday as "punishment". I don't think that's the impression you want to make, right?

 

It seems clear to me, unfortunately, that drinking so that he can't drive on his bday is more important than you being there. I guess you could offer to pay for a car service for the two of you so he can still drink.

 

This is a personal decision but my two cents -- I wouldn't be comfortable with the priorities here despite understanding "intellectually" that to him it won't be a celebration unless he is drunk or has the option of being drunk. I dated people like him and ultimately it wouldn't have worked long term unless they changed their priorities (some did as they got older I noticed - a lot of this occurred in my early-mid 20s, less so later).

 

I would talk to him about this after the celebration is over and when you are calm. I do not agree at all that all problems should be aired exactly when they happen - that can be very disrespectful as well as bad strategy --- I can just imagine my SO, for example, calling me at work before an important meeting to tell me that he is upset with something I said or did, non-emergency, and wants to talk about it right now. We would do our utmost never to do that to each other.

 

 

Good luck - my guess is that once you get some distance from this and are calmer you will be able to decide how much this situation affects the relationship. It's a personal decision, of course.

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Driving has nothing to do with it. You can take a cab home from his party. He obviously doesn't want you at the party, which would make me wonder why, if he is inviting both men and women to the party and it's not just a boys night out.

 

I'd tell him you want to come, and will take a cab home. If he still doesn't want you there, then something is up.

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Driving has nothing to do with it. You can take a cab home from his party. He obviously doesn't want you at the party, which would make me wonder why, if he is inviting both men and women to the party and it's not just a boys night out.

 

I'd tell him you want to come, and will take a cab home. If he still doesn't want you there, then something is up.

 

Oops missed that point - of course that's a great option.

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Driving has nothing to do with it. You can take a cab home from his party. He obviously doesn't want you at the party, which would make me wonder why, if he is inviting both men and women to the party and it's not just a boys night out.

 

I'd tell him you want to come, and will take a cab home. If he still doesn't want you there, then something is up.

 

Yes, I totally agree. He is making some really lame excuses here...something else is at the root of this.

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Two points:

 

A) This is in the middle of Pennsylvania. I live in Pittsburgh. There is no cab service where he lives or where he is partying. He always drives to my place in Pittsburgh or drives me to his, because there is no public transportation. Anyone who lives in/near Western Pa. can attest to this being the truth.

 

B) I've met lots of his friends, they all like me except one person, the one he is using as his DD. So it's not "his friends don't like me" it's just that one guy.

 

MissKitty, your opinion is your opinion, but you know nothing about me or him or our future.

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Also, no women are "invited" to this that aren't his relatives or friends with bfs. I'm on his myspace and that is clear. One thing he is going to is boys only, but he is partying with family and friends. Of course, if he is going to a bar, other girls WILL be there, but he goes out to bars all the time. It's not the prospect of other girls that bother me, it's the idea that I am not going to get to celebrate this with him.

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I think you are being unduly harsh with Miss Kitty and I think you are making excuses for your boyfriend. Because one friend doesn't like you he is excluding you! Because of the driving issue he is excluding you! He is turning driving as an issue as to whether or not his girlfriend gets to party with him! Something is seriously wrong with this picture.

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But NOBODY at the party is going back to Pittsburgh who could give you a ride? And if there is the distance, why not the both of you just stay in a motel or somebody's house for the night, and when he has sobered up the next day, you both drive back?

 

I know you want to cast this in a positive light because you want to be with him, but honestly, i don't know anybody who invites all kinds of people to their own birthday party, then tells their girlfriend NOT to come unless there is a real problem of some kind there. It's very easy to make arrangements to get you to and from the party or to stay overnight until he has sobered up enough to drive.

 

He doesn't want you there, or he'd find one of those easy solutions like a motel. and if it were me, i'd be digging deeper to find out why he didn't want me there, or insisting on going and staying in a motel. These kinds of things mean either he is interested in flirting with someone else (or taking someone else to the party), or he intends to be doing something at that party you won't approve of (drugs?), or he sees you as a wet blanket that he doesn't want to spoil his fun (which usually comes before a breakup).

 

I don't think this is normal 'boyfriend' behavior at all, so you should dig deeper here to find out what is really going on.

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I think you are being unduly harsh with Miss Kitty and I think you are making excuses for your boyfriend. Because one friend doesn't like you he is excluding you! Because of the driving issue he is excluding you! He is turning driving as an issue as to whether or not his girlfriend gets to party with him! Something is seriously wrong with this picture.

 

I completely agree.

 

If a friend of my bf's didn't like me for some odd reason, he'd be the one getting excluded.

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All right fine, you all hate me and want to say my relationship is doomed or whatever. I appreciate the support. Any girls want to date my bf who is obviously dumping me because he won't invite me out, PM me and I'll give you his phone number.

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I just read through your other threads. This guy has been blowing hot and cold with you for quite a while and in a previoius thread you said his friends did not care for you . He has not been a very considerate boyfriend according to things you have written in other threads. He seems to value the party/get drunk like a skunk lifestyle. This relationship is not at all healthy for you and he is not being a very good boyfriend.

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All right fine, you all hate me and want to say my relationship is doomed or whatever. I appreciate the support. Any girls want to date my bf who is obviously dumping me because he won't invite me out, PM me and I'll give you his phone number.

 

Don't you think you are being a bit harsh here?

 

You posted on this website asking for help. What do YOU want Us to say?

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All right fine, you all hate me and want to say my relationship is doomed or whatever. I appreciate the support. Any girls want to date my bf who is obviously dumping me because he won't invite me out, PM me and I'll give you his phone number.

 

Okay, now you are being childish. Nobody said they hate you...they are trying to open your eyes that this relationship is very unhealthy for you. They are trying to help you...if you want to bury your head in the sand that's fine, we all have our own lives and our own problems to deal with...take a good long look at your relationship and things you posted in the past...if you still think you have a wonderful, attentive boyfriend great...you are the one who has to deal with his BS not us.

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All right, I kinda think OP is right that people are jumping down her throat a little bit.

 

I live in Pennsylvania. Except for Philadelphia area where there are near suburbs and awesome transportation, the rest of the state is spread out and the public transportation sux. I went to Penn State, in the middle of the state. If you did not have a car or live right on campus, you were hurting. I've spent time in Pittsburgh. Compared to Philadelphia, public transport is pretty crappy and the suburbs around Pittsburgh are not bedroom communities. So I believe her when she says this is a hardship for her bf.

 

That said, he probably could make arrangements. But who wants to worry about all that on their birthday? I mean, seriously, gf or not, if it's your bday, would YOU want to worry about the logistics of everyone getting to point A or B? Honestly, I would probably be a little annoyed, yes, even with my bf, if on my day, I had to worry about who was getting where and going where. You don't want to have to worry about that stuff on your bday, or at least I don't. This past bday of mine, I spent it in Baltimore. Anyone who wanted to come was welcome, but I wasn't sitting up arranging rides there or back. If people wanted to come, they could come. And I haven't read anywhere in the OP where he said DON'T COME. It looks like he didn't invite her because he figured she couldn't get there on her own. I agree with whoever in this thread suggested she say "Hey, I'll find a way. I'm coming." If he balks, THEN there's a problem, IMO.

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Okay, now you are being childish. Nobody said they hate you...they are trying to open your eyes that this relationship is very unhealthy for you. They are trying to help you...if you want to bury your head in the sand that's fine, we all have our own lives and our own problems to deal with...take a good long look at your relationship and things you posted in the past...if you still think you have a wonderful, attentive boyfriend great...you are the one who has to deal with his BS not us.

 

That's uncalled for CAD. She didn't attack you personally and I could see how she could think people were jumping at her. I don't like this sort of stuff - she's already hurting. Not fair to kick her while she's down, IMO.

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This isn't just anyone though. This is his girlfriend. I flew home to see my bf on his birthday....

 

I just don't think this guy is that into her. With what she has posted on previous threads about him. I really don't think that this guy is that into her.

 

You're mean AND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME OR MY BOYFRIEND.

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You're mean AND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME OR MY BOYFRIEND.

 

I know what you've told us.

 

-His friends don't like you and he let's that dictate when he invites you

-He'd rather get drunk than stay sober and give you a ride to and fro

-He's done things like this before.

 

If you didn't want all of our opinions, why are you asking us for them?

 

What did you WANT us to say?

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out.

 

I just read a thread of hers. She's black and he's white. She says that is a reason his friends don't like her/feel uncomfortable.

 

Having JUST been a similar situation, I empathize. These are real problems and real feelings, and he actually might be SPARING her some uncomfortableness rather than the reverse.

 

It's easy for people to say "Well, if so and so doesn't like my gf, then I wouldn't be friends with him/her." Real talk - if my best friend, whom I've known since I was 5, didn't like my SO for some reason, I'd be hurt. I'd be confused. But I wouldn't be dumping him just because he doesn't like my bf. Real life doesn't work like that.

 

There's more at work here than just this party, and I think that people who have proclaimed that they read this girl's thread are awfully quick to not mention/not notice the racial aspect of it.

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I know what you've told us.

 

-His friends don't like you and he let's that dictate when he invites you

-He'd rather get drunk than stay sober and give you a ride to and fro

-He's done things like this before.

 

If you didn't want all of our opinions, why are you asking us for them?

 

What did you WANT us to say?

 

My guess? She wanted advice on how to tell him this is hurting her. Ironically, I agreed with CAD's earlier advice - don't hit him with it until after the bday is over, because it promotes bad feeling and it can wait. I think OP is upset that this turned into a referendum on her relationship, and I probably would feel some type of way, too. She's not asking for opinions on her relationship, she's asking how to word to her bf and when that she is disappointed.

 

So, OP, to answer you, I'd wait until you were alone and just tell him most of what you said here and see what he says to that.

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