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How to Deal With Grief


wtm78

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I cant remember where I cut this article from but I found it in my archive... If it helps you..

 

 

What is grief?

 

Grief is the normal response of sorrow, emotion, and confusion that comes from losing someone or something important to you. It is a natural part of life. Grief is a typical reaction to death, divorce, job loss, a move away from friends anf family, or loss of good health due to illness.

 

How does grief feel?

 

Just after a death or loss, you may feel empty and numb, as if you are in shock. You may notice physical changes such as trembling, nausea, trouble breathing, muscle weakness, dry mouth, or trouble sleeping and eating.

 

You may become angry - at a situation, a particular person, or just angry in general. Almost everyone in grief also experiences guilt. Guilt is often expressed as "I could have, I should have, and I wish I would have" statements.

 

People in grief may have strange dreams or nightmares, be absent-minded, withdraw socially, or lack the desire to return to work. While these feelings and behaviors are normal during grief, they will pass.

 

How long does grief last?

 

Grief lasts as long as it takes you to accept and learn to live with your loss. For some people, grief lasts a few months. For others, grieving may take years.

 

The length of time spent grieving is different for each person. There are many reasons for the differences, including personality, health, coping style, culture, family background, and life experiences. The time spent grieving also depends on your relationship with the person lost and how prepared you were for the loss.

 

How will I know when I'm done grieving?

 

Every person who experiences a death or other loss must complete a four-step grieving process:

(1) Accept the loss;

(2) Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief;

(3) Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost; and

(4) Move on with life.

 

The grieving process is over only when a person completes the four steps.

 

How does grief differ from depression?

 

Depression is more than a feeling of grief after losing someone or something you love. Clinical depression is a whole body disorder. It can take over the way you think and feel. Symptoms of depression include:

 

  • A sad, anxious, or "empty" mood that won't go away;
  • Loss of interest in what you used to enjoy;
  • Low energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down;"
  • Changes in sleep patterns;
  • Loss of appetite, weight loss, or weight gain;
  • Trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions;
  • Feeling hopeless or gloomy;
  • Feeling guilty, worthless, or helpless;
  • Thoughts of death or suicide or a suicide attempt; and
  • Recurring aches and pains that don't respond to treatment.

 

If you recently experienced a death or other loss, these feelings may be part of a normal grief reaction. But if these feelings persist with no lifting mood, ask for help.

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Having lost both my parents, i would warn people that "other" people, ie friends, who have not experienced grief, will not understand that you can still be grieving a year later, and it might be perfectly normal for you.

 

Another thing:

 

Someone gave me a book when my father died called "A time to Grieve".

 

One of the most valuable things that helped me throughout both of my parents death was that crying was not going to actually kill me. There was this quote:

 

"When I have feelings of deep sadness and bouts of crying, I must recognise that what seems to go on forever is not really endless. By unleashing the feelings that cause me to cry, I am helping them to gradually dissipate, to lose their power. I am setting them free so that I too may one day be released from griefs torment"

 

-

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^^ I just read the book a time to grieve, great book.

Also there is no set way to grieve every person is different, there are no set formulas, no time limits, no easy way.

Losing a loved one is not something you "get over", the loss is integrated into your life. It will still hurt years and years later, you will always miss them, but you learn to cope with the pain a bit better little by little and soon you will see more and more the love you gained from your loved one rather than what you have lost.

sigh

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When my father died 2 years ago, pretty much straight away I started having dreams about him all the time. he would always be very young, in fact probably late 20s, younger than I have ever seen him in real life because they didnt even have me til he was 36. I always thought it was quite odd that he was so young in my dreams.

 

Anyway, later on, a few months after this started happening, I heard or read somewhere that this is actually a connection with their ghost or spirit, that the sprit goes back to being young. It might have been a spirit medium who told me that, I saw a medium a couple of times who was a psychic for the police.

 

 

Anyway, mum died in Jun 07. I've only had horrible dreams about her, ones where she is really sick ,and doesnt know she is dead, or what happened to her (because she died suddenly even though she had cancer). And i would have to explain to her what happened.

 

Anyway I had this dream last night about my mother, and we were lying next to each other on a towel, not sure maybe we were at the beach. Anyway she was young and beautiful. About 30. I've never seen her like that in a dream. She was just smiling at me, and i was just bawling and bawling to her, like i never have , like the sort of crying i havent even done in real life, the depth was enormous.

 

And i was telling her what a terrible time ive been having, with dealing with my sister not helping with their house and what a complete nightmare she has been(we are selling mum and dads house now), and how I shouldnt have left mum when i did , but that I didnt know she was going to die. Can't remember what else I said , but it was a lot, and I was really opening up the floodgates.

 

All she did was keep smiling, while I let it all out. It was like she was really there.

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hunny.. i am sorry that it hurts badly... that is exactly what grief is... the process of feeling that pain.. it can sometimes be too much for one to handle... find an outlet... post here.. what are you feeling... what is in your mind... post them all out...

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I just wanted to add something on this post, maybe some will understand and some may not.....at the age of 39 I had been widowed 3 times..yes very traumatic I may add...I was very young the first two times since I did get married at a young age..and know the last time I was almost 40...this last time I had been married for 13 yrs and even though It had become a bad marriage I still cared very much for my husband...the first days I was numbed..and after 6 months it hit me once again like if it was the first day that he passed....I lost almost 100 pounds which Im glad I did because I was overweight..but I had no desires to do anything..after 2 yrs now I have gone on with my life and people ask me "don't you miss him?" duhh,, yes I do I still cry at times when Im alone because he was my partner and I still can't believe he is gone....What Im trying to say is that people have diffrent ways of grieving, Just do what it takes to help you move on..I had days that I just wanted to listen to music just to not think about him all the time..I had days where I just wanted to look at his pictures...People thought I was weird because one day I was fine and the next I was down....But that was my way of dealing with it....Till this day I still have not watched our home videos together..not ready for that yet...But yes you can grieve and move on...just do it at your own pace. good Luck to all.

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Thank you WTM! : /

 

I'm just having a hard time accepting this! I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my life at the moment.....I just don't understand life ! I'm tired. My soul is tired...: (

 

me too mel I feel like there is no relief from grieving, it is always waiting to come out. feel like screaming today! i feel like i cant accept it either, because i know what the future was suppossed to be, it is like we got a taste of heaven and now it has been cruely taken away. im in a bad mood today! must be the full moon or something lol

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Thank you for sharing heaven! Like CC said, you are very strong to have made it this far after it happening 3 times to you!! I definitely relate to the different ways you have felt...until people have experienced a loss like this, they just don't know what it's like!

so much love to you!

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me too mel I feel like there is no relief from grieving, it is always waiting to come out. feel like screaming today! i feel like i cant accept it either, because i know what the future was suppossed to be, it is like we got a taste of heaven and now it has been cruely taken away. im in a bad mood today! must be the full moon or something lol

 

ahhh, I have been feeling like screaming lately too! It's so frustrating and agonizing thinking about all the ways life could have been! I miss him so much!!!!! and you are right, it feels like the grieving is always waiting to come out in those moments where you feel "okay". I hate this!

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ahhh, I have been feeling like screaming lately too! It's so frustrating and agonizing thinking about all the ways life could have been! I miss him so much!!!!! and you are right, it feels like the grieving is always waiting to come out in those moments where you feel "okay". I hate this!

 

I hate it too! It is like I have had enough already, don't know how much more I can take!, it is like i go through cycles of feeling better and then i get really depressed again. Every part of me aches for francisco not just my heart and soul but i feel like my muscles and head ache too. I thiink it is all those stress hormones, its too much! and it is so frustrating too because there is no solution.

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thanks for sharing you story heaven much love to you^ I can't imagine going through something like this 3 times, you are a strong woman

 

Thank you..right now im going through a tuff time and my sister tells me "hey i want my sister back, that strong woman I have always known" I get upset because people always expect you to be strong...Dammit it's ok to feel needy and weak sometime in your life and that's how i feel now....why always expect that we can be that strong brick wall??? You must be completely broken before becoming whole again....

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thanks for sharing your story... and you dont look a day older than 29 in the avatar..

 

 

Thank you, I have always tried to look good but it's hard when you have so much drama and bad things happening to you in life....Im 42 now and the pic was taken a few months ago...I wish much luck to all of you in your process and i will tell you that you never forget your loved ones that pass but it does get better. Good luck in your journey...and by the way it's ok to be mad, thats one of the steps you have to take to be able to heal.

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Heaven, you were given some heavy sh*t to deal with.

I hear you on the "being strong" part, I've been through so much sadness in the last 8 yrs of my life with loss and my own personal illness that my strength has been challenged over and over.

Everyone would tell me "you're so strong"..........arghh, yeah they don't see me curled up on my bathroom floor.

 

I wish you all the best, keep looking towards happiness

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Heaven, you were given some heavy sh*t to deal with.

I hear you on the "being strong" part, I've been through so much sadness in the last 8 yrs of my life with loss and my own personal illness that my strength has been challenged over and over.

Everyone would tell me "you're so strong"..........arghh, yeah they don't see me curled up on my bathroom floor.

 

I wish you all the best, keep looking towards happiness

 

Thank you Summer, Im sorry that you have had it ruff also...if you ever want to chat please feel free to contact me..sometimes when you let it all out you feel better..lately this is the only place I come to vent. God Bless

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I think strength involves going through the process of grief, showing your emotions, and admitting that you cant do it all yourself , because they are the hard things to do. I think it is harder to be true and vulnerable then to put on a facade ,that everything is ok. thats what i mean when i say someone is strong, and sometimes it takes strength just to get up in the morning.

Heaven I like that line You must be completely broken before becoming whole again

Thanks and goodluck in your journey too.

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I think strength involves going through the process of grief, showing your emotions, and admitting that you cant do it all yourself , because they are the hard things to do. I think it is harder to be true and vulnerable then to put on a facade ,that everything is ok. thats what i mean when i say someone is strong, and sometimes it takes strength just to get up in the morning.

Heaven I like that line You must be completely broken before becoming whole again

Thanks and goodluck in your journey too.

 

Hi chocolate, yup it's something I go by...if you are not completely broken you can't fix yourself..bandaids won't do it...you need to heal from inside...Sometimes I think that i had it bad but sometimes i believe that my parents sheltered me so much that at the first glance of reality and pain of life I freaked out and maybe that is why today when things get rough I want to run and disappear because maybe deep inside I believe that at the end I will have my mom or dad craddeling me so I won't hurt anymore...does that make sense to you? Life is hard, very hard and only the strong will be standing at the end. Good luck to you and everyone else that walk this path...Much love to all

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^^ It makes sense to me heaven. I think sometimes our parents protect us from pain, like the pain they have experienced in life because they love us, but sometimes it means over protection and sheltering at the same time.

Both my parents have suffered a lot of losses in life. But it was a silent loss and still is for them. They lived in a time where they were expected to appear 'strong', get on with life and they still rarely talk about what happened and never how they felt or are feeling. They still have a lot of unresolved grief and it is sad, because I never realised how hard it was for them, and how hard it still is.

And because it was never talked about, we didnt realise how hard life really is, the many losses everyone has to go through and how natural death is, it has been happening since the beginning of time!

We are lucky we live in a generation where it is acknowledged and encouraged a little bit more to work through grief instead of denying it and 'sucking it up'. But there is still so much death denial in our society. It is some far off notion that happens to other people, until it happens to us, or it happens after you have lived your life and are old and grey. We dont give it much thought, and we dont know what to say when somebody dies, we dont understand, until we experience it for ourselves.

You are right life is hard and always will be, loss is inevitable, life is challenging but it is also beautiful and worthwhile and somehow we have and will find a way.

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