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Loving someone...


littlestar

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I am in the situation where i loved and still am in love with a person who is violent, abusive, an alcoholic, drug addict, angry, possessive and aggressive.

He wasnt this way when i met him, he was good at putting the "mask" on and then later revealed who he REALLY was.

 

I still love him so much and it hurts so bad not being with him but it's for the best.

 

Being in the situation i am and often reading posts on here about people loving abusive people and serial cheaters, what has come to mind is what is there to love about these people? Can we really love people like this or do we love the thought of being in love with them and confuse this with actually being in love with them?

 

And in some cases do we actually love who they were before they turned sour?

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People like that are charmers. They will hurt you over and over and over again. They will apologize and seem to straighten up only to repeat the cycle all over again. It never gets better, okay, maybe one in a 1000 clean up and become decent kind people. More clean up than that but they never become kind. The odds are against and they are against big. Long shots are heartbreaking and someday the heartbreak has to stop and living has to begin. You decide when.

 

P.S. There are good guys who will treat you right from the beginning until the end.

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I think your heart doesn't care about all the bad because it only knows love and wants love. Luckily your mind is being more objective and protecting you. I am sure you know that he will only drag you down and end up using you for his own selfish needs and wants. I am also sure you know there is no helping someone that doesn't truly want to get help.

 

Look out for yourself as the life you want begins without him in it.

 

lost

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I am in the situation where i loved and still am in love with a person who is violent, abusive, an alcoholic, drug addict, angry, possessive and aggressive.

He wasnt this way when i met him, he was good at putting the "mask" on and then later revealed who he REALLY was.

 

I still love him so much and it hurts so bad not being with him but it's for the best.

 

Being in the situation i am and often reading posts on here about people loving abusive people and serial cheaters, what has come to mind is what is there to love about these people? Can we really love people like this or do we love the thought of being in love with them and confuse this with actually being in love with them?

 

And in some cases do we actually love who they were before they turned sour?

 

 

 

I don't think the love that somebody has for somebody who is abusive is any less legitimate or real that loving somebody who is almost perfect, but resisting that love however strong it is is crucial because these people rarely change-- and by using the word rarely, that doesn't mean going back to him and hoping that rarely is gonna happen cuz it wont. Plus you would be endangering yourself. It is very risky but a risk worth taking to get away from an abuser. Even women who have been killed by an abusive ex after they left didn't make the wrong decision. Society needs to do more to protect people leaving abusive relationships. It is ironic you can get police protection for being Sammy the Bull turning even though he killed 18 people but not get as much if you are in danger and haven't done anything except leave a bad situation.

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I'm not a therapist or anything but from the psychology courses I've taken in addition to some reading on the subject there are actually a myriad of reasons why people fall in these situations.

 

Most often would be that the person as a child had unhealthy relationships with a parent whether they were abusive or neglectful towards the child. As such the abused is not able to to recognize the situation as unhealthy and oftentimes being in such a situation brings the persno a sense of comfort overall for whatever reason.

 

This also can be true for people that may have self esteem issues, for an example everyone can relate to knowing someone who's hard to please and when you do when they give you praise it tends to be that much more sweeter than when the average person does.

 

There are some people who actively seek out these types of relationships because they feel they deserve the treatment they get, etc., due to whatever reasons with them. the person can recognize the situation as being unhealthy but for whatever reason they still seek and desire the same types of people who treat them badly or are unhealthy for themselves due to things that occurred in the past or other psychological reasons.

 

Now these are a few options, mind you, and there could be any number of explanations for why people fall into those types of relationships. For example you have your "fixers" out there who basically are people who want to see the good in people and try to help them out even though not everyone is helpable. These people tend to see helping the person as almost a project and when they're unable to accomplish their goal they may view it as a personal failure and stick with it even when they realize there may be no hope.

 

So I hope you see what I'm saying is there's a ton of reasons why people fall into relatinoships like these and you'll basically have to review yourself and your past to figure out exactly why it happened to you because there are many reasons why this occurs.

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I got into a situation like this by accident once. I always wondered what made people stay with partners who treat them like garbage, and then one day I realized that it had happened to me.

 

I was with a guy and at the beginning everything was great. He had a few issues, but seemed sweet, normal, genuine, my friends and family liked him, etc. Things were good for about a year. Then, he gradually became distant and hostile, and would get drunk and say really nasty things to me, and was just not very caring or respectful towards me in general. I knew that I deserved better than this, but part of me didn't believe that this was the real him. He was like an entirely different person, and I kept waiting for him to go back to being the person I fell in love with. Once in awhile he would be sweet and caring again, and it became like crack. Every time he was nice, I would get all excited that the man I loved was going to return, and end up staying in the relationship even longer. Of course, he never did return, and I stuck around and put up with his crappy treatment for far longer than I should have. Now I see that this is how he truly is, but it took awhile to realize that after how good he had been in the beginning.

 

I guess some people habitually end up in these types of situations because of roles they tend to play in relationships or unresolved issues with their parents, etc. But I was never the kind of person who had any sort of attraction to this kind of treatment. Sometimes, it just sneaks up on you. You fall in love with someone who you think is legit, and when they suddenly change you can't just automatically turn those feelings off. You end up confused and waiting for your love to return, and a lot of times it never does.

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