Jump to content

Could you forgive this?


shemo

Recommended Posts

My boyfriend and I broke up for about a month. In that month, he had sex with 1 girl and 1 time only. I know for a fact that he was not interested in anything more from her... he claims that he was really sad and thought we were over for good (truth or lies?). For that month we were still talking to each other on the phone, we didn't see each other much (no sex at all), but we did talk to each other quite often. Now I know we were broken up, but it still hurts to know that it happened. We have been back together for about a month now and everything is going very well... but I can't get it out of my head - sometimes when I look at him, all I see is him having sex with that girl. So if you were in my shoes, could you forgive the person you love for messing around with someone while you were separated... Sometimes I think I'm just really old-fashioned and that I shouldn't be stressing about something since the bottom line is that we were broken up and he was free to do whatever he wants. I guess I just want some insight on how you would handle this type of situation. Could you let it go and have things back to normal again? Or is the relationship tainted to the point where there's no return?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would probably think just like you... can't get it out of my head but if I can't live without him I would do my very best to not think about it. It may only need to be something that you stop thinking about tell yourself over and over and over that he loves you, he was single, he's with me now- just keep saying that to yourself and maybe in time you will believe it. You have to change the way you're thinking. Start with that and see how diciplined you can be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Reminds me of that episode in friends. Where Rachel broke up with Ross, he slept with someone else, then she couldn't get over it even though they were on a break. She didn't forgive him.

 

I mean honestly though, it took him a month to go sleep with someone? A MONTH?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well I think it would be normal to feel hurt because you love this person and just picturing them with someone else HURTS, whether you were broken up or not. It only happened about 1 month or so ago so it's still fresh in your mind. I think within time you will let this go because you guys were broken up so he didn't technically do anything wrong.

 

I would be hurt too and Im not sure if I could let it go but that's just me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah actually it's EXACTLY like the rachel/ross thing. cuz to me.. we were only on a break.

 

and no it didnt take a month. we were broken up for a month but he had sex with that girl about a week after the break up. and didn't have sex with anyone at all after that. then we got back together about a month later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know I'm gonna be in the minority here, but whatever, I'll throw in my two cents.

 

I think it really matters who broke up with who, especially since you two were separated for such a short period of time.

 

If a girl breaks up with me, goes off and has sex with another guy, or goes a fair distance sexually with another guy, and then comes back after a month telling me she made a mistake and wants me back, well, too bad. Because its not ok for her to be in a relationship with me, decide she wants to mess around with other guys, and then come back to me when she's had her fun (which is exactly how I'd view it).

 

If I had broken up with the girl, and she'd slept with another guy while we were apart, well, I think thats different. I knew my actions had consequences, and that she might end up sleeping with someone else (or multiple someone elses). And I'd have to accept the fact that me not realizing what I had led to certain things happening.

 

Of course, thats very general. Its hardly ever that clear-cut, I'm sure.

 

And its not to say that Scorpion Fury is wrong. It really depends on you as a person, and what you can forgive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is nothing to forgive him for because you had broken up.

 

I never understand how people break up with each other, then still expect fidelity from the other person, fidelity to a relationship that no longer exists. Breaks or breakups are always a bad idea and not to be done lightly, unless you are serious about really breaking up.

 

So you have learned not to play at 'breaks' if you aren't seriously ready to move on. Chalk it up to a lesson that if you play the breakup game, the other person doesn't owe you anything after the breakup, including fidelity.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Of course it is understandable to feel hurt....it feels like a betrayal even though you were not officially together because he immediately went from your bed to someone else's. Nobody likes to think of the person they love having sex with someone else. It is a very painful thought. I don't buy into this notion of "well you were on a break thereforee it is perfectly fine". Technically yes, but it really hurts that someone can immediately launch into physical intimacy with someone else without batting an eyelash.

 

So how to deal with this. First of all, you need to remember that he basically used this woman like a hooker...in other words, it was sex only, for physical gratification and for forgetfulness. In other words, her vagina and breasts were used as if he was drinking alcohol to numb the pain of the split. That is what rebounds are about, whether they are one night stands or a few months...it is like downing alcohol to numb the pain. The sex was meaningless, the woman was of no value to him because he was hurting and thereforee it was a pretty empty experience. He is back with you now...focus on the emotions rather than on the physical act itself. That is the only way you will get through it and be able to put it in the past on move forward to a brighter future with him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is nothing to forgive him for because you had broken up.

I never understand how people break up with each other, then still expect fidelity from the other person, fidelity to a relationship that no longer exists. Breaks or breakups are always a bad idea and not to be done lightly, unless you are serious about really breaking up.

So you have learned not to play at 'breaks' if you aren't seriously ready to move on. Chalk it up to a lesson that if you play the breakup game, the other person doesn't owe you anything after the breakup, including fidelity.

 

Exactly. You were broken up and shouldn't worry about it, it's a moot point. You were broken up and both free to do as you wished.

You said he was sad, maybe he thought that would ease his pain which is pretty common actually.

That fact that it happened soon after the break up could be attributed to different people handle situations in different ways. I'd work to move past it and not think about it. Keeping this around is going to get in the way of the relationship and it will cause you problems down the road.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well it's kind of hard to say who broke up with who. in the beginning it was mutual i guess... we both didn't really want to but he needed some time to think about whether or not he was ready for such a serious relationship. he's 26 and im his first girlfriend.... so to sum it up.. he had commitment issues and he was scared of being with someone even tho we've been together for almost 2 years. so for about 3 days we were back and forth and i felt like i was being a fool and i wanted to do LC, so on day 3 i went and took all my stuff from his apartment and hardly talked to him on the phone. so i guess i broke up with him? although i thought i was just giving him space to think.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think there is anything to forgive. He didn't betray you since you weren't together.

 

That said, how you feel about the whole thing is not something easily changed. You might feel that you learned something about him because he could be with someone else even when he was thinking about you. Or, it might not be within your value system to sleep with someone in that time frame or under those circumstances.

 

So, it doesn't seem to me like a matter of forgiving, but more of forgetting. I would steer away from calling the other woman a hooker or disparaging her. She was there at a moment when he felt he needed something, no matter what he thinks about it now. This is about you and him. If it's a deal-breaker for you, then move on. Or, if you love him and want to work it out, then do it. He was not unfaithful to you, so fidelity is not the issue. But, the question of shared values may be the issue.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well it's kind of hard to say who broke up with who. in the beginning it was mutual i guess... we both didn't really want to but he needed some time to think about whether or not he was ready for such a serious relationship. he's 26 and im his first girlfriend.... so to sum it up.. he had commitment issues and he was scared of being with someone even tho we've been together for almost 2 years. so for about 3 days we were back and forth and i felt like i was being a fool and i wanted to do LC, so on day 3 i went and took all my stuff from his apartment and hardly talked to him on the phone. so i guess i broke up with him? although i thought i was just giving him space to think.

 

No he pretty much broke up with you because he said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship but didn't actually say the words, instead you did. Then he went out and had sex with this other girl. He was the one who needed space and time - not you. Oh you gave him space to "think" alright. ](*,)

 

You were his first GF, how did he find someone so quickly to have sex with?? This might have been his excuse to have sex with her, without losing you. IDK I would be upset if I was in that situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well i don't think he broke up with me with the intentions of having sex with this girl. Apparently she's had a crush on him for quite some time now but he's hardly ever talked to her. it's a coworker by the way. the minute she found out he was single, she asked to hang out and asked to come over to his place. and then at that point, im sure being a guy he thought well i can, so why not. which of course doesnt make it any better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't buy into this notion of "well you were on a break thereforee it is perfectly fine". Technically yes, but it really hurts that someone can immediately launch into physical intimacy with someone else without batting an eyelash.

QUOTE]

 

I agree. While he didn't necessarily do anything wrong- I do think that's awfully quick recovery time. If it was me- No, I would not take him back.

And if you can't get over it, you shouldn't either.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you make a good point. i guess a part of me just feels betrayed bc it almost felt like we weren't broken up. we talked everyday on the phone and he would still tell me he loves me. but yeah.. we were broken up.

 

I think the main problem with us girls is that we always associate sex with love. We assume that the way our boyfriend has sex with us, is the same way he has sex with other girls.

 

In this case, you're upset because he told you he still loves you, can't stop thinking about you, etc., but then went & had sex with some other girl...so you automatically assume that he was "lying" & "how could he do that?"

 

It's totally rational to feel bad about it & it's normal that you're thinking about it...but try not to. You have to understand & give him the benefit of the doubt. You guys were broken up, & he just happened to be horny & have sex with some random girl. As long as you trust him, you shouldn't think too deeply into it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He didn't cheat on you, but I think it was really hurtful and selfish. Anytime someone hops into bed with someone else so soon after a relationship says a lot about that person. I think he used the 'break' as an excuse. I would never be able to get the image out of my head either, and I know ultimately it would destroy any hopes of a reconciliation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well i don't think he broke up with me with the intentions of having sex with this girl. Apparently she's had a crush on him for quite some time now but he's hardly ever talked to her. it's a coworker by the way. the minute she found out he was single, she asked to hang out and asked to come over to his place. and then at that point, im sure being a guy he thought well i can, so why not. which of course doesnt make it any better.

 

I think I find that more disturbing..the values issue...here was a woman who had a crush on him and was hoping something would come of it...and here he was taking advantage of the fact that the woman was interested in order to drown his sorrows. It is the using someone that I find disturbing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...